Blood Capsule #304

PUMPKINHEAD: ASHES TO ASHES (2006)

I thought I had seen this film when it debuted on the Sci-Fi/Syfy Channel, but apparently, I was mistaken.  This misfire is all new to me, so I'm offended nineteen years too late.  Yes, offended.  Where do I even begin?  Ashes to Ashes tries to be a direct sequel to the original.  That's where it falls short.  It repositions - or "'remakes" - beats from Stan Winston's Pumpkinhead without any of the character that made those beats work in the first place.  Within the first ten minutes, we are told that someone has been wronged, a corpse has been defiled by a crooked undertaker.  Naturally, we don't learn anything about these people and we don't have a reason to be invested in their story.  Remember when Ed Harley visited the pumpkin patch and found Pumpkinhead's eerie grave?  Remember how that moment was cloaked in atmosphere?  Here, Pumpkinhead is dug up by some random lunkhead.  That's your cast, by the way.  Random lunkheads.  And a disheveled Lance Henriksen (more on him later).

The script has the audacity to bring back Bunt from the first movie, the only yokel youngin' with street savvy.  Ashes has turned him into a mentally-challenged manchild.  Moreover, Douglas Roberts' performance is putrid.  Speaking of putrid, the CGI...Jesus wept, the CGI.  The creature effects are standard for the most part, but yeah, the digital stuff is tantamount to Sega Genesis horseplay.  Oh, Doug Bradley collects a paycheck as the town heavy.  I'm so impressed.  According to IMDb, Henriksen was so thrilled with the project, he left the film's premiere before he was called on stage for the Q&A.  Y'know, Blood Wings was forgettable, but it didn't piss me off.  Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes pissed me off.  Most men would lay their weapons down at this point, but I'm committed to see this charade through.  Am I just destined to see through this charade?  We shall see.

August will be...

...Random Werewolf Month!  I used AI to generate an image of a werewolf in a wheelchair, thinking it could be a mascot of sorts.  Eh, I'm not feeling it.  Regardless, I'll be tackling seven or eight werewolf flicks in August.  Most decades will be represented.  I've curated a nice mélange of lycanthropictures to weed through.  I'm hitting obscure stuff, mainstream stuff, and two entries in the Howling series.  Which two?  You'll have to wait to find out!

Blood Capsule #303

PUMPKINHEAD II: BLOOD WINGS (1994)

Alright, I've delayed this long enough.  Let's break down the pithy, somewhat puny Pumpkinhead franchise.  Unfortunately, I'm doing this in chronological order, which I don't recommend.  If you haven't read my review of the original film, click HERE.  If you haven't seen Blood Wings and you're thinking of checking it out, click...anywhere.  Just do something else.  That's my advice.  I have a long history with this curiously delayed sequel, a history rife with vexation and disillusionment.  My dad rented it when I was 10, so I actually saw it before the original.  That is sheer lunacy.  Alas, it is my truth.  Essentially, Blood Wings asks us to forget most of what we know in relation to everyone's favorite vengeance demon.  There is a sepia-toned prologue that introduces us to a deformed child.  Of course, the boy is unjustly killed, but is Pumpkinhead called forth?  Nope!  The old witch can't be bothered until she is badgered by "rebellious" teenagers thirty years later.

We learn that Pumpkinhead is the boy's father.  That raises so many questions, I can't even.  The witch's house burns down, but technically, it's her own fault.  Basically, nothing here is based on logic.  The hushed tragedy and forlorn grace of the first film is replaced with Andrew Robinson clunkily reciting a nursery rhyme.  Why is the coroner always at his house?  Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt myself with random questions, but these are things you're going to ponder while you wait for KNB's effects to pop up.  The cast is dreadful, aside from Ami Dolenz.  Poor Ami Dolenz.  Thankfully, Linnea Quigley's boobs make a cameo appearance.  We get a fantastic decapitation, but good luck caring about any of the characters.  Now, my rating may seem high after all of that bellyaching.  I can't help it.  I have a sentimental attachment to this flick, although if I saw it today for the first time, I wouldn't be nearly as forgiving.

Guilty pleasure?  Comfort watch?  Nostalgia?  I'm trying to find some way to rationalize the fact that I've seen Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings more than once.  Okay, maybe more than twice.

Woah...

I've had a miserable four days or so.  I've been dreadfully sick AND my computer went belly up.  Basically, I've been disconnected from the world, but I'm back now.  In addition, I'll be making a super cool, super random announcement soon...!

Blood Capsule #302

TIMESWEEP (1987)

This is my favorite type of Blood Capsule to write.  On some level, I enjoy writing all of them, but I particularly enjoy brushing the dust off of an obscure relic that hasn't found its way to Blu-ray.  I only learned of Timesweep recently, and I've never seen anyone bring it up before, whether online or in casual conversation.  Certainly, it's status as one of the last vestiges of VHS antiquity is befitting, as there is nothing casual about this thing.  I would put it somewhere between Spookies and Waxwork.  Calm yourself!  It's not as glorious as those films, but the similarities will be obvious once I unspool a synopsis.  A professor, his students, and a few other random tradesmen (carpenter, gaffer, etc.) convene at an abandoned studio.  We infer that it was used for TV and movie production, but it hasn't been in operation for decades.  Not long after entering, two ancillary characters are impaled by mystery ghouls.  It soon becomes obvious - and you're going to have to trust me here - that everyone is lost in time.

This is where Timesweep gets nutty.  Each room seems to be populated by different impediments (zombies, a phantom archer, a freakin' dinosaur) sent from different dimensions.  It's referred to as a "time shift," and somehow, there is more to it than I can rehash.  That probably sounds like a blurry headache, but it's actually fun trying to piece together.  I broached Waxwork because of the time travel gimmick.  Spookies...well, there are multiple monsters at play, although we never get a good look at what I'm assuming is a dinosaur.  I suppose it could be a were-lizard.  Or a Kool-Aid mascot.  Does Purplesaurus Rex have an alibi that would stand up to scrutiny?  I mentioned zombies earlier.  That's underselling it.  These are zombies from outer space, and yes, we get a glimpse of their spaceship.  How is Timesweep so obscure???  It wasn't even released on home video in the States.  Unreal.  Ah, but was it worth being released?  I'd say so.  The pacing is tight, and the death sequences are saturated with gore.

I'm not going to leave a link, but if you look for Timesweep on a major video-sharing website, you're going to find it.  Finders, keepers (at least until Vinegar Syndrome grabs it).

A bat-shaped blood stain...

Head on over to my Patreon to read the latest Blood Stain, a mini-capsule of 1946's Devil Bat's Daughter.  You'll also be granted early access to Blood Capsules.  If that wasn't enough, you would be helping the site.  Quite a bit, actually.  So what are you waiting for???

Blood Capsule #301

FRANKENSTEIN REBORN! (1998)

In the late 90's, Charles Band planned to make streamlined, teen-centric versions of classic monster mashes.  The idea was to send four into development, but only two got past the "concept art" stage.  I reviewed the other one - The Werewolf Reborn! - years ago.  If you can stomach my annoying writing style (eh, I tended to use profanity as a crutch), I'd say I gave the film a fair shake.  That's all I can promise to the creative team behind Frankenstein Reborn!, and wow, that exclamation point is already driving me nuts.  At any rate, this little trinket sports an in-house crew for Full Moon.  It was directed by David DeCoteau (under some wonky pseudonym, naturally) and written by Neil Marshall Stevens, a guy who has written...everything.  My expectations weren't exactly high, at least not as high as I probably needed to be in order to enjoy this viewing experience.  All jokes aside, Frankenstein Reborn! doesn't fall flat on its face.

That may not hit you with the same gravity as more conventional compliments, but I was impressed by this flick's ability to present itself as passable entertainment.  The story is easy to follow.  By the end of the first act (I considered using quotation marks there, as the running time barely sneezes over the 70-minute mark), the monster has jettisoned his bandages and escaped the laboratory.  Our main character is a sweet, gullible lass who attempts to befriend the grunting brute.  The make-up effects are strange.  We end up with something that resembles, um, try to imagine if Christopher Lee in The Curse of Frankenstein had a bratty teenaged son.  We do get plenty of spooky ambience.  Reborn! was shot in Romania and the settings are quite nice.  Look, this movie isn't going to change your life.  It certainly won't top any lists of the best Frankenstein adaptations of all time.  I'll recommend it to fans of the lesser titles in the Full Moon catalog.  So basically, I'm recommending it to myself.

Blood Capsule #300

BUG BUSTER (1998)

In Japan, Bug Buster was released as Aberration 2.  Let that sink in for a moment.  As I sit here, I'm undecided on a Z'Dar rating (that usually comes last), but dear God, this was at least better than Aberration.  The contents of my liver are better than Aberration.  I can honestly say that for a straight-to-video jobby that I don't ever remember seeing at the local video store, Bug Buster was acceptable entertainment.  Katherine Heigl (!?) stars as a teenager whose family has just moved to the quaint town of - erm, don't make me look it up.  Oh, Mountview!  The quaint town of Mountview!  I only know that because I happen to live in a town called Mountain View.  The film's credits assure me that the events depicted are entirely fictional, and that any resemblance to living people or places is purely coincidental.  That's a weight off my back, let me tell you.  So dead bodies.  They are piling up, and cockroach larvae are found in every corpse.  Obviously, George Takei - the scientist - steps in to determine that these roaches are unlike any that came before.

That was a haphazard synopsis, but I think you get the picture.  What you may not know is that there is a "mother bug" that squares off against Randy Quaid.  This was right before he lost his everloving mind.  His campy performance (dude goes way over the top) stands in opposition, almost antithetically, to the rest of Bug Buster.  Everything is played straight.  Quaid doesn't barrel his way through the script until the third act.  If I weren't in such a jocular mood, I would complain about the uneven tone.  But!  It kinda works.  We get a decent amount of gruesome make-up effects, and thankfully, digital chicanery is kept to a minimum.  Until the end.  But!  I'm being awfully forgiving today, aren't I?  Perhaps I'm a little blown away that I located another creature feature from the 90's that basically hasn't been seen by human eyes.  For what it's worth, it's what I do.  Three Z'Dars?  Recommended to fans of Katherine Heigl's "no nudity" clause in her contract.