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I'm a guy. A straight guy. It stands to reason that I enjoy anything involving attractive females. On the music front, attractive females are all the rage. They are especially popular betwixt heavy riffs and black clothing. Regrettably, I find the average chick-fronted metal band to be a heinous nevus on the pelt of the headbanger commonality. Would In This Moment be within pissing distance of the charts without Maria Brink's cleavage? I think not. Would The Pretty Reckless lay claim to millions of views on YouTube without Taylor Momsen's hindquarters? Doubtful. But for every rotten example I can give, there is usually a pussycat rejoinder. NOTE: In this instance, I'm using "pussycat" as an adjective meaning "pleasant" or "vagina-ish."
If you look a little deeper, you'll see that there are several kickass units moored by petticoats. As a matter of fact, I've been listening to a lot of Huntress lately, a trad-metal squadron featuring a witch on vocals (no, really). Oh, and One-Eyed Doll. I've been listening to a lot of One-Eyed Doll lately. Break is their third album, and if I had to describe its sound, I would go with "heavy goth." Not quite metal, although I detect hints of Pantera rampancy. The Texan duo strikes me as a melodic mestizo of Jucifer and So Die Fluid. Vocalist/guitarist Kimberly Freeman has a cute chirp of a voice that pairs well with the chug-a-lug grooves storming underneath.
I admit, Break has an offputting Hot Topic/Tim Burton vibe that crimps my gastrointestinal tract. The imagery is stock, but the songs themselves are dynamic. "Beautiful Freak" is an energetic stomp. "See Jane Run" is a minatory dirge stacked with vocal harmonies and augural giggling. "Cinderblock" is a catchy power ballad about a 10-year-old nipper who snuffs out her abusive sot of a father. "Resurrection" serves as the epic closing track, and it's my second favorite number here (the first being "See Jane Run"). One-Eyed Doll abrades an assortment of subgenres from impregnable doom to sprightly punk. Despite morbid lyrics, Break is a blast to...well, blast. Who says depressing jams can't rock?
I don't dislike a single moment of this compact disc, but some cuts are less memorable than others. "Airplane Man" is an odd choice for an opener, its steady beat notwithstanding. "Bumble Bee" and "Redneck Love Song" are amusing, yet questionable filler spots. If I had my druthers, Break would be an EP, and a damn fine one at that. Partake in the canticles I listed above (at least sample "See Jane Run"). If you rejoice in murder, psychosis and lovelorn lunacy, One-Eyed Doll could be the band for you. This record really deserves 3.75 Z'Dars, but I try not to get carried away with fractions. Robert Z'Dar says, "Broads playing the rock and the roll, huh? What's next? The rhythm and the blues?"
For those curious, the "band" is Ruins of Beverast (a one-man black metal project, hence the quotation marks) and the album is 2013's Blood Vaults - The Blazing Gospel of Heinrich Kramer. Tomorrow, a music review!
VIY (1967)
Yes, that's an actual screen grab from Viy (a.k.a. Spirit of Evil). What is Viy? It's a Russian horror fairy tale based on a short story written by Nikolai Gogol. A cassock is sent to pray over the corpse of a beautiful girl for three nights. The injunction comes from her father, and his wishes are very specific. Khoma, our hesitant lead, must absolve the unfortunate doxy and remain by her coffin's side in the pelvis of a dank monastery. Tattered witches, giant hands and misshapen goblin sightings ensue. Parts of Viy are incredibly eerie; other parts are clunky. It's a mixed bag, but I honestly can't believe how damn obscure it is. It may be an inaccessible import, but that hasn't stopped Jigoku or Fascination from becoming cult classics.
Extensive make-up effects and confounding camera tricks exhibit a stirring level of ingenuity. The third act is awash with more creepy shit than the most gleaming CGI could ever hope to replicate. I have proof. Using YouTube as your reference guide, check out the trailer for the recently refurbished remake (or just click HERE, you lazy gimp). It's meant for Russian audiences, but it looks American to me. I don't mean to suggest that Viy is an exemplary showpiece. I didn't care for the bits of nincompoop humor, and the "epilogue" is wholly useless. For real, yo. It feels like an afterthought. I frown on afterthoughts.
Oh, I recommend the movie, by the way.
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One hundred. My mind is blown. I thought I'd switch it up a bit for such a momentous occasion. Please enjoy geeking out to 80's metal cheese in the form of Helloween's "Halloween." I like to think this video inspired 1995's Jack-O, a waypost in gourd-based slasherdom.
I've had the WWE Network since Monday. I've only experienced one day of uninterrupted, snag-free service. That would be...today. Frustrating? That's putting it mildly, but hold onto your fedora of fault-finding. Technical gaffes are to be expected with the launch of any multi-media venture of this breadth and volume. Let's wait and see how the network holds up over the next few weeks. More importantly, let's see how WWE's servers respond to the assiduous influx of traffic levied by Wrestlemania. If the live feed cuts out during Brock Lesnar's epic encounter with The Undertaker, God help the McMahon family. Thousands of fans would cancel their subscriptions, and so would I.
But that hasn't happened yet (knock on wood). Issues are being arbitrated, and I'm starting to enjoy the content that the WWE Network has to offer. I just watched a shaving of WCW Beach Blast '92. Scotty Flamingo vs. Flyin' Brian Pillman was way better than I remembered. Sure, Baby Raven was greener than zucchini leukocytes on St. Patrick's Day (wait, what?), but it was a spirited exchange that utilized the entire ring. I've pegged the Rude/Steamboat Iron Man Match for later tonight. Motherfucking Steamboat, people. I could watch any PPV if I wanted to, and not that it's any of your goddamn business, but I'll probably catch up on all of the ECW stuff I discounted in the 90's.
Of course, the first actual live stream was NXT: Arrival. I can't believe how much buzz this two-hour special has generated. Can the good will amassed by Paige, Emma, Sami Zayn, The Ascension and Tyler Breeze (among others) translate to the main roster? How many regular viewers of Raw and Smackdown tuned in last night? Zayn and Cesaro worked a "match of the year" candidate that was able to tell a story with impeccable wrestling. Paige and Emma upstaged the entire Diva's division. That match felt more meaningful and significant than any women's bout in the WWE since Lita's retirement.
Don't get me wrong; I still heart A.J., but who does she have to work with? Emma needs to ditch Santino as soon as fucking possible. At any rate, The Ascension was also on display. They have the potential to be the next Road Warriors, or at least the next Acolyte Protection Agency. The future is so bright, I need sunglasses. HAHA! My brain's feed is cutting out.
So if you're not watching NXT: Arrival tomorrow (Thursday) night, you're a loser. I'll probably review it. On second thought, I'll just post my piece on the WWE Network and include my impressions of the event. Something tells me it's going to kick ass. Bring on Paige vs. Emma and Zayn vs. Cesaro!
