6/23/16

It's About Dollhouses


That's the reaction most people have to the Amityville sequels (past the second entry anyway), but yesterday, I took in Amityville 1992: It's About Time, and I thought it was slushy fun.  No, I couldn't find anything else to watch.  Yes, this is the one with the evil clock.  Most of the Amity adventures after part deux catch flack for their whacked narratives.  See here, my dysmorphic tribe...if you are mature enough to give the actual movies a chance ("I know I am," he said, looking down at the lowborn, declassed peasants), you'll see that they are entertaining spookshows.  They're certainly not spooky, but they're showy as shit!

I've seen quite a few of them.  Amityville 3-D rocks, and you know it. The Amityville Curse was enjoyable, but I admit that details are sketchy.  Apart from the flavorless remake, the only other chapter I have witnessed is Amityville Dollhouse.  Again, batty gimmick, but I recall digging it.  So what's your problem?  Huh?  Maybe different folks have different opinions.  Nah, that sounds like an urban legend.

Okay, let me reference the elephant on the toilet.  I still haven't posted the six-part "old column" project because I need my mom's help to kickstart it.  Her work schedule has not afforded us the opportunity to do the things.  The things will seem simple to you, but it takes more time for us.  If I don't believe I can get it up and running by Sunday night, I'll just skip ahead to the next review.  Rest assured, it will happen!

6/18/16

Tong Podunk


I love having the El Rey Network.  I got it via Sling TV via Roku via DIRECT TV FUCKING SUCKS MY COMPASSIONATE ROD! Anyway, yeah.  Roku is where it's at.  My plan is to stay in bed tomorrow morning and absorb El Rey's Kickboxer marathon.  Yes! Next week, I will focus on the "old column" thing.  I'm excited, bro.

6/17/16

Just how much is Worth worth, BUFFY?


I did a Google image search for Worth Keeter and this shiftless son of a bitch popped up.  No idea who it is, but I don't believe it's Mr. Keeter.  Who knows?  Maybe it is.  Maybe Worth has tapped out.  Maybe...he's worthless.  Fuck, I apologize.  I should be above that joke, but you and I both know it's the other way around.  Who is Worth Keeter???  You shiftless son of a bitch!  You should know that he's a bottom-rung b-reel director, an etiolated dabbler in all genres.  I'm most interested in his fright fucklings.  Baby, if you haven't seen 1979's Wolfman (his directorial debut), then sugar, get out of my trailer.  This was actually his debut as a writer as well.  To say it's rough around the edges would be an understatement.  It's closer to disheveled around the edges.


Speaking of disheveled, have you met Earl Owensby?  He produced this effort, and since he was holding the cash, he decided to cast himself as the lead.  Note that he possessed neither the looks nor the acting chops to lead Chairman of the Board, much less a Southern-fried werewolf lark.  Wolfman is awful, but it's not awful.  Right-o.  Sweetie, it has a certain charm, and it's brimming with Hammer-style atmosphere.  I don't know what it says about my criminal background, but I found this flick easy to finish.  Look, I can't change who I am.  Honey pie, where are you going?  Give me a chance!  Again!


And on the left/right (lol wtf ikr), you will see Kristy Swanson's fly ass in 1992's Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I never watched the show.  It always seemed like a teenybopper pursuit, and any time I tuned in, it felt...well, it felt like a teenybopper pursuit.  I'm open to the idea of giving it another shot.  I enjoyed the motion picture, which I recently picked up on videocassette.  The first half is a whiff too scattershot.  I am told that the TV series more closely resembles the second half, so that's a foretoken of benediction, wouldn't you say?  Well, wouldn't you?  DEREK?  I'm hoping to really catch someone off-guard one of these days with my random name call-outs.  They are going to freak out, especially if I add a last name and it syncs up.  That's an idea!

Isn't it, KAREN RILEY?

6/14/16

More stupid words are on their way!

The last few days have been so fucking serious.  Watching the news only adds to my square mix of anxiety and paranoia every time I leave the house (which I actively avoid).  Fuck.  And then there is THIS.  You're supposed to click "this."  Go ahead.  I'll wait.  Right, so I've been worrying about that, although the immediate response from friends and family did lift my heart.  I was not expecting to meet the fixed goal in 24 hours, much less exceed it.  I knew I had good friends, but I was honestly blown away.

After all of this serious stuff, I miss things that don't matter.  I'll dive back into the trash pond soon, kiddies...

6/10/16

Baskin


A current release!  I haven't touched one of those in awhile, so this film must be awfully special.  Or just something I wanted to cover.  Actually, I've been looking forward to 2016's Baskin since I first started seeing the hideous trailers for it last year.  It's a Turkish import, and it has a reputation as an odious, insalutary maggot of a movie that has caused walk-outs at festivals.  Potentially, it could end up as the latest A Serbian Film, although it's not quite as extreme (and frankly, I think theater patrons are too jaded to carelessly create another "shock classic" on recoil alone).  We begin with a van full of cops.  They stop at a diner, they shoot the shit, they bully their waiter, they speak Turkish...y'know, typical dickhead activities (no offense to Turkey).  Then they receive a disturbing call for backup.

And that's all I'm synopsisizzling.  Honestly, the trailer reveals a glut of key imagery and most reviews broadcast way too many plot details.  Go in fresh, if at all possible.  That may not affect your overall opinion of Baskin.  You can probably infer that from my rating, but I recommend it.  I was pleased.  I enjoyed its zalcroom ass-prex, as the kids say.  Unfortunately, crackwhores in the foundation present themselves as the story arc gains ground.  Primo (Italian for "first"), I want to propose a toast to director Can Evrenol.  You would never guess that this was his first feature gig, what with the rich lighting and the marble-smooth camera movements.  Even dialogue scenes dazzle. I was worried that the spooks would be shot in an epileptic manner (no offense to spooks), but apart from an introductory bit, that doesn't become a problem.

The gore is gory.  I'm not privy to the budget, but everything looks fantastic.  On the acting front, I have no gripes.  The Father is a veritable villain.  Across the board, the creepy stuff is creepy.  If I had to quibble, it feels at times like Baskin is straining to emulate Hellraiser.  The Father's pseudo-philosophical palaver means jack shit, and I kept waiting for the protagonists to simply ask, "Huh?"  The first half of this foreign object hums.  Isn't that what car people say about quality engines?  They hum?  Whatever.  The first half is really good.  Zip it.  The second half tries to get cute.  Don't get me wrong; that's where the chassis of the violence has been interred.  The chassis is the body of a car, right?  Stop making fun of me.

Baskin ripens into demented territory, but as it carouses with waking nightmares, it makes less and less sense.  In my stir-fried opinion, you have to be careful with dream sequences.  I'm trying to tiptoe around spoilers.  I can safely say that the ending pissed me off without spoiling a damned thing.  It's such a cliched genre denouement.  Was it tacked on by someone who didn't watch the rest of Baskin?  Because I could believe it.  It's, shall we say, bullshit (Italian for "first").  For those curious, the title, when translated in English, means "first" in Italian (Italian for "first").  Robert Z'Dar says, "I had my hopes up for more baby rape.  I didn't walk out once!"

6/7/16

For the TRUE fans!


Upcoming!  I'll be dusting off a retired, long-forgotten column that I used to write in the olden days of Random Reviews Incorporated.  It will be a six-part series.  What will it be???  I doubt that anyone even remembers the original column.  We're talking seven years ago.  I didn't bother archiving it, so you would have to be a hardcore fan to name it out of limbo.  The number of hardcore RR Inc. fans totals in the negative tens.  You're free to guess.  It's true; the above painting...er, photograph...okay, statue is a clue.  Can you solve the puzzle?  Do you care?  What if I die never knowing the feeling of being embraced by a beautiful woman?

I'll probably write another movie review before doing that thing.  Hail Satan!

6/4/16

Blood Capsule #63

FREAKED (1993)

Sometimes, you don't get around to seeing a certain movie that is right up your alley.  Scientists will never discover why, and for years, Freaked has been one of those contingencies for me.  It's a rainbow-skewbald horror/comedy (mostly comedy, if I'm being upfront with you) starring and co-directed by Alex Winter.  From the image I have chosen, it may seem like z-junk, but it actually commanded a budget of $11 million.  That's paper money!  Most of those banknotes were funneled straight into the special effects department.  As the title suggests, the plot implicates freakishly freakish freaks.  Winter plays Ricky Coogan, an actor who agrees to do promotional work for a chemical company, and you could probably finish this synopsis yourself.

The poor bastard is victimized by Randy Quaid's freak machine.  I promise that sounds worse than it is, but it does result in moldered, gangrenous creatures.  Aren't those the best kind?  They were designed, in part, by Screaming Mad George.  Those freaked in Freaked range from nauseating to preposterous (I dug Sockhead, as voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait).  This is a fun flick to look at, but it's also just plain funny.  I laughed on a regular basis, and I deplore the corpus of American comedy.  Freaked is instantly quotable.  And the soundtrack!  That tune with Henry Rollins and Blind Idiot God is a fucking jam.  Keep a Rastafarian eyeball out for cameos by Brooke Shields, Morgan Fairchild and Deep Roy.  In addition, see if you can spot Keanu Reeves.  Get it?  See?  Spot?  Go!

6/1/16

Album Cover of the Whatever


Fucking listen to this album.  It's unique black metal from the Czech Republic circa '92.  It doesn't sound like typical BM at all.  Jettison your expectations.  Your ass has already been kicked.

Oh, and the cover is cool!