4/24/24

Blood Capsule #193

BONES (2001)

I remember renting Bones when it hit video shelves in early 2002.  I liked it.  Does it hold up to further scrutiny?  Actually, this is a rare case where my opinion has not weathered with time.  I feel exactly the same way about it as I did when I was seventeen.  Apparently, Snoop Dogg is a big horror nut.  I don't know how the hell my memory retained this information, but in an interview with Fangoria magazine, he claimed that his favorite horror film was Phantasm.  I can see the parallels, as they are both effects-heavy features (especially Phantasm II).  Snoop pulls just as much inspiration from 70's blaxploitation, a sub-genus of pop culture that is quite fashionable in the Coccaro household.  No, really.  I adore Blacula.  Not to brag (that's what I say when I'm bragging), but I have an original one-sheet for Scream, Blacula, Scream.  It's hot pink.  Gotta love the 70's.

The plot is barebones.  Snoop plays a paragon of virtue in his community.  After he is gunned down by crooked cops, the ghetto practically disintegrates in his absence.  Cut to modern day.  The blood-spattered dress of an old flame (an emphatically foxy Pam Grier) aids in reconstituting his remains.  Maggot storms ensue.  Bones was shepherded by Ernest Dickerson.  That dude doesn't play around when it comes to crafting stylish, spook-infused fright flicks.  He also directed Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight, if that tells you anything.  There are so many cool, creative shots here (my favorite involving a bleeding billiards table).  Bones is an easy recommendation, although it's far from perfect.  I didn't care for the lopsided stabs at comedy, and our main coterie of characters comes across as flat.  A post-Ginger Snaps Katharine Isabelle is completely wasted.  But I digress.

I wouldn't be mad if someone gifted me the soundtrack.  Just saying.


4/22/24

Random Match Alert


I know what you're thinking.  "Dom, are you about to show me the match that planted the seed for Adam Bomb's face turn in 1994?"  Yes.  Yes, I am.  And you're welcome.

4/20/24

The Great Z'Dar Uprising


So I recently started uploading some of my Blood Capsules to Letterboxd.  You can assign a star rating to each movie, which got me thinking.  I might as well use my patented Z'Dar system for the Blood Capsules.  Originally, I only used them for full-length reviews, but c'mon.  Robert Z'Dar demands more attention.  This means I'm going to add Z'Dar ratings to all of my pre-existing Capsules.  Unnecessary?  Yes.  Kind of exhausting?  Yes.  But I want to do it!

For copyright reasons, Z'Dar ratings will not be appearing in the book.  Lame, I know.  Anyway, this is going to take a few epochs, but Z'Dar z'deserves it.

4/18/24

Blood Capsule #192

BLOOD DOLLS (1999)

I probably shouldn't have attempted to watch Blood Dolls last night.  For one thing, it's Blood Dolls (more on that later).  Secondly, my brain was in the process of shutting down during the opening credits.  I was just way too sleepy.  For whatever ungodly reason, I soldiered on, so I'm not 100% sure that I didn't dream this movie.  Not only was I staving off intermittent bouts of encephalitis lethargica, but this flick is also seriously loopy.  Being a Full Moon artifact, it was written and directed by Charles Band.  You'd think that I would be impervious to his brand of singular quirk by now.  But no, I'm struggling to describe this...what is this anyway?  Was it necessary for Band to take another pass at the much-lampooned "killer doll" subgenre?  I suppose I should be thankful that I never have to sit through Retro Blood Dolls or Dollman vs. Blood Dolls.  As if!

Okay, the plot.  Hold onto something.  An eccentric billionaire has found a way - through what kind of gnarled alchemy, I couldn't even begin to guess - to kidnap his enemies and transform them into literal dolls.  There is something about an antitrust lawsuit, but the particulars are neither germane nor do I care to remember them.  So this billionaire.  He wears a comically large Halloween mask, he domineers over two servants (one dwarf, one clown), and he has his own house band.  By the way, it's an all-girl group that he keeps in a cage.  Y'know, the more I write about Blood Dolls, the more credence I give to the theory that I simply dreamed it up.  To add insult to injury, it's not explicitly entertaining.  We do get some mild gore.  Meh.  Like I said, it's Blood Dolls.  I need to take a nap.

4/17/24

Album Cover of the Whatever


To be honest, I wasn't particularly enthused by Anima Hereticae's Descended from the Mountains on a musical level, but look at that cover.  Geez.

4/16/24

Blood Sugar Sex Aliens


Did you know that Flea starred as an alien in 1987's Stranded?  Because man, I didn't until I watched and reviewed it for the book.  Speaking of which, would you like to know which movies I'm reviewing exclusively for the book?  Assuming you responded in the affirmative, I'll post a list of book-only reviews...soon.  Ish.  Yeah, soon-ish.  Maybe in May.  There aren't that many, but I did go to the effort of writing them, so there.

For the record, my favorite Chili Pepper dish is Californication.  And One Hot Minute is underrated.

4/15/24

#@^#%

DO NOT watch 2001's A Crack in the Floor.  Dear God in heaven, it's dreadful.  It pissed me off so much, I'm not even going to review it.  Ordinarily, I would, but no.  I'm reclaiming my life.  #@^#% this movie.  You see all this black space beneath the text?  You're better off staring at it for 90 minutes.  Okay, I've typed too much.  End of.

4/13/24

It's time for another contest!


Boom!  Contest announcement!  Just like that.  And this one is super easy.  All you have to do to enter is join the Facebook Fan Club (it's similar in spirit to the Burger King Kids Club).  There will be a random drawing in two weeks.  The winner will receive a RANDOM REVIEWS CARE PACKAGE!!!  Yes, all caps was a bold choice, but the package will include...

3 Movies (VHS or DVD, maybe both)
2 Comic Books
2 Old Horror Magazines
1 Pack of Super Cool Trading Cards
Probably Candy

And who knows what else I might toss in there!?  I'm thinking of doing this every four months, so be sure to join the Fan Club so you don't miss out in August and December.  U.S. residents only!