KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK (1978)
I've been a casual KISS fan for awhile now, so I figured I should finally watch their bizarro made-for-TV movie that solidified their cartoon cachet. I expected cheese, and yeah, it's cheesy. On a scale from almogrote to cervelle de canut, Phantom of the Park is...well, it's cheesy. Supposedly, it's based on a KISS comic book. Man, I need to read that motherfucker, if only to see if the plot holes are similarly stretched beyond the limits of wisdom. The "phantom" is a mad scientist by the name of Abner Devereaux. He creates robot monsters in the bowels of an amusement park. In substance, he's a Scooby Doo villain.
Anthony Zerbe's performance is so over the goddamn top, you have to dig the guy. Fuck the teenagers. I want Abner's battery-operated superghouls to rule the world! We get chalk-faced panther humanoids (!?), kung-fu masters and Universal knock-offs (Dracula, The Mummy, a bloated Frankenstein, etc.). Oh, and KISS makes several appearances throughout the film. As the band's votaries already know, Ace Frehley didn't bother to show up to shoot half of his scenes, so his African-American stand-in (no, that's not a joke) handled the fight choreography. Peter's dialogue is dubbed. Gene's voice is distorted, so you can't understand anything he says. Fuck.
Right now, I'm wishing this wasn't a blood capsule. I could continue clacking about Kiss Meets Blah Blah under the proviso that I would be killed afterward, but hey, quality of life and all that. Do I recommend it? Of course. It's terrible. Paul Stanley has special laser powers, people.