31 Days of Soul-Crushing Depression

I'm digging all the October stuff, but when it comes to producing content and BEING A PERSON, I'm sapped.  Fuck this shit.  And it's so goddamn frustrating because I want to write reviews.  I just can't.  Hell, I couldn't even find my copy of The Exorcist.  That was a "throw your middle fingers up" moment where I realized it was time to pull the plug.  Again.  I apologize, people.  It feels pointless to apologize.  I feel like I'm always apologizing to someone for failing to see something through.  Doesn't help the depression, not one bit.

So I'll fuck off into the sunset.  As per our agreement (???), I'll let you know if/when I return to maintain this place.  I'm not doing well.  No, I'm not suicidal; I'm just...I'm just.  Don't fret for my Halloween spirit.  It has remained oddly unscathed.



The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ('74)

Image created by StuntmanKamil on Deviant Art.

Finally!  I can't believe that I have never reviewed 1974's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, what with it being my favorite film of all time.  Why did I wait so long?  I wouldn't call it waiting per se; it was always a daunting task that I enjoyed putting off.  I majored in Procrastination at Asshole Academy with top honors.  If you need substantiation of my puttering, it's already the seventh of October, and I'm just now tossing up my first review of the month.  I don't like doing stuff.  This much is patent.  I do like Chainsaw (even my segues are laggard), warts and all.  In fact, the warts play a pivotal role in why I love this flick so much.  It has grit.  It has character.  It has a dude in a wheelchair.

You see, Chainsaw is based on the true story of...heh, just kidding.  I believed that bullshit for a long time as a teenager.  Here is something you may find interesting - upon my initial viewing of the film, I wasn't crazy about it.  It was a chaotic blur.  Chainsaw's 83 minutes rushed past me, and I wasn't really sure what to expect to begin with.  Maybe it was the ceaseless screaming that prorogued my appreciation for Tobe Hooper's debut set of scares.  Today, Sally (Marilyn Burns) Hardesty's wails don't rasp my nerves, although I do turn the volume down during certain scenes.  Between her and the saw, it's enough to make your ears bleed.

Over the years, I've often asked myself why this particular movie resonates with my wheels, and I still don't have a lucent answer.  My best guess...it's horror.  Pure horror.  There are no supernatural elements, but Chainsaw never pretends to be anything other than a horror film.  The opening reels are an effigy of death.  The spooky text scroll, the ingrained image of a corpse shackled to a headstone, the dead armadillo...it's almost as if Hooper is clearing the decks with reserved stillness to ready your mind for the entropy that is to come.  It's masterful.  You wouldn't know it from watching 1990's I'm Dangerous Tonight (ergh), but Hooper is talented as hell.

Can we talk about the characters for a minute?  Burns (rest her soul) is never brought up as one of the original scream queens, but I have no idea why.  Her performance is natural.  Her body (and psyche, I would imagine) was put through the wringer on set, which could be said for most of the cast.  The infamous chase sequence is fucking INTENSE.  A fair share of genre enthusiasts despise Franklin, and look, I get it.  I do!  But for obvious reasons, I was able to empathize with the guy.  That's a testament to Paul Partain's method acting.  He was so method, in fact, that Gunnar Hansen hated his guts for years, not realizing that he was basically acting all the while.  Yeah, it was a rough shoot.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was filmed in Texas in the strangling calefaction of summer.  As a result, the celluloid sweats.  It reeks!  You can see the swelter shedding off of the television screen.  It's the polar opposite of Carpenter's The Thing, a shocker that freezes you numb.  Polar opposite.  Is that a pun?  Did I make a funny?  I don't care.  I'm tired.  I hope you have already seen this mortifying classic.  If not, don't look me in the eyes; I will turn you to stone!


A new Halloween tradition...

Yes, the first review of the month is on its way, but before we show up to that party, here is a party of a different nature.  The Halloween mood table!  This was an idea brainstormed by Matt over at Dinosaur Dracula.  I don't want to take any credit for it because Dino Drac is, like, the best site in the history of the internetscapez (navigatorz).  It's basically Random Reviews Inc., only...good.  I'm being too hard on myself, I know, but Dino Drac is so goddamn rad!

Anyway, a mood table is something you can come to whenever you need to lift your Halloween spirit.  Even though I have a Halloween mood room, I was still moved to create one.  The sole requisite is a table.  The rest is up to you.  It can be quaint; it can be epic; it can be themed (clowns, werewolves, candy, etc.); it can be anything!  Most importantly, your mood table should represent YOU.  Whatever makes your horror heart quiver.  Do hearts quiver?  Beat.  Whatever makes your horror heart beat.

Without further ado, here is my 2015 Halloween mood table.

Click to see it slightly larger.  The figures across the top are Hedorah (The Smog Monster, yo) and The Gillman.  The VHS tapes are Shadow Creature, The Regenerated Man and Winterbeast.  I could have chosen a Halloween sequel, but what can I say?  I live for obscure b-movies!

Frankenberry head alert!  Also, a big box VHS to the left and a scale replica of the house from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Freddy and Jason are in town for a BBQ).  To the right, you will see a partially obstructed graphic novel.  It's a collection of Marvel's horror anthologies.  I have cool stuff.

Thanks to my mummy for helping me decorate!