Book Update

We are creeping ever closer to holding Blood Capsules: The Book (that won't be the actual title) in our hands.  I commissioned a super cool artist for the cover, but it won't be ready until June.  That gives me a little more time to pack reviews into this thing.  It could potentially top out at over 200 pages!  If you're wondering, the book will contain at least 15 reviews that you won't be able to find on this website.  Some are BRAND NEW, while others are BRAND OLD (like, really old).

So this will be the last book update until I'm ready to publish, although I may give a sneak peek at the cover when it's available.  Until then, I will continue to write like a madman.  Like a madman, I say.  We're almost there, folks!

Blood Capsule #189

THE LAST DINOSAUR (1977)

I just got back from seeing Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire.  And last night, I watched a goofy tokusatsu spectacle that no one cares about.  Which film should I review?  Better question - which film do you think I'm going to review?  Realistically, what could I say about the latest chapter in Legendary's monsterverse that you couldn't predict with infallible accuracy?  It's basically a WWE pay-per-view.  You know I dug it.  What you may not know is that Rankin-Bass took a break from seasonal stop-motion animation in the mid-70's to copilot a kaiju picture starring Richard Boone as a creepy, eccentric big game hunter who winds up foraging for provisions on a remote strip of land in the Pacific.  Or the Atlantic.  Either way, he tracks down a T-Rex.  Man-in-a-suit shenanigans ensue.

Aren't you glad I decided to tackle The Last Dinosaur?  Is it too late to switch reviews mid-stream?  Nevermind.  I'll trudge forward.  If this audit is anything like the film on offer, it should be a jaunty footslog.  There is plenty of beastie-wrangling action to behold.  The special effects are perfectly acceptable, considering the bantam budget.  This was originally headed for a theatrical release, but it was thrown to ABC at the last minute.  More on the dinosaur suit...it was later repurposed for Dinosaur War Aizenborg, a TV series that combined anime with miniature set destruction.  I can wholeheartedly recommend The Last Dinosaur if you enjoyed 1960's Dinosaurus! or 1974's The Land That Time Forgot.  I can also recommend Godzilla x Kong, but that goes without saying.

The Gall of Chucky

I've been seeing advertisements for the upcoming season of Chucky.  Having never imbibed the series, I sat down to watch the first episode last night.  And that's about all I'm going to watch.  What the hell was that???  It doesn't bother me that Don Mancini is straining to be woke, but this is ridiculous.  In what universe would a middle schooler host a "true crime" podcast?  Don't even get me started on the talent show segment.  Normally, a supernaturally-charged slasher would be able to fall back on its inventive kills, but here, we get Chucky electrocuting someone via vomit.  Wow.

Does this show get any better?  Should I try one of the later seasons?  Or should I just stick with Child's Play 2?  I should mention that I dig the entire franchise, but the second entry is unequivocally rad.  Maybe it's just nostalgia talking.  Let me know if I should give Chucky another chance.

Blood Capsule #188

SUBSPECIES V: BLOODRISE (2023)

This one hurts.  It's never fun writing a negative review, but I was really looking forward to this long-delayed sequel.  Hell, I didn't know that it existed until a few days ago.  Whatever happened to the spindly, all-reaching fingers of Full Moon's marketing department?  Apparently, they are just as ineffectual as the spindly, all-reaching fingers of Radu.  Remember Radu?  He used to be cool.  He's depicted here as a near-prehistoric fossil who only speaks above a whisper and engages in sluggish, poorly-staged swordfights.  Bah.  The first act shows promise.  We are treated to Radu's origin story.  His mother was a demon, while his father was a vampire.  Raised by monks, he spends the majority of his adult life battling enemies of the church until he runs into an objectively hot Denice Duff.  She acts as the catalyst that gives Radu his fangs.

First, I was bumfuzzled by Barbara Crampton in Suitable Flesh.  Now this...these ladies are clearly witches.  And that's fine by me.  I just wish Duff's role was a bit more substantial.  As for Anders Hove, there is nothing wrong with his performance, but he does seem bored here and there.  I can't blame him.  Bloodrise is paced with the zeal and alacrity of an oil painting.  No, a software update.  In quarantine.  It's slow, folks.  It's very, very slow.  Do I have anything nice to say?  Yes, actually.  The film looks superb.  Full Moon productions haven't been this silky and sumptuous since the Paramount days.  I'm sure that won't stop Charles Band from cheapening it with a catalog's worth of merchandise.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I want Radu socks as much as the next guy.

Dom vs. Evil Ernie

I don't review many comics these days (and let's be honest, my knowledge of the medium was always suspect), but I'm still buying them at a feverish pace.  Every once in awhile, I read one so groovy, I have to tell someone about it.  Today, that someone is you.  Congratulations!

So I recently picked up Evil Ernie vs. The Movie Monsters, which dropped in March of 1997.  My God, that was 27 years ago.  I'd rather not dwell on that.  Anyway, our story follows Ernie as he visits a tumbledown amusement park after hours.  It's meant to mimic Universal Studios.  Sure enough, we run into copyright-friendly versions of Dracula, The Wolf Man, and Frankenstein among others (a certain hockey mask makes an appearance).  If you guessed that Ernie butchers all of them, you'd be right, but his first instinct is to act like a fanboy.  These monsters are his heroes!  I knew I dug Ernie for a reason.

Blood Capsule #187

ZARKORR! THE INVADER (1996)

There is a making-of clip that plays after the feature presentation on my VHS copy of Zarkorr! The Invader (you can check, but I'm sure it's on your copy as well).  The creative team behind this underachiever seems to be under the impression that their star monster will be a hit with fans.  They even went to the trouble of drumming up a theme song, which I admit, is a catchy little number.  Obviously, Zarkorr is a love letter to kaiju clashes from the 60's and 70's.  What shouldn't be obvious is the fact that the requisite scenes of creature suit carnage were shot before writer Neal Marshall Stevens had a chance to write the script.  Well, guess what?  It's pretty obvious.  The stale "exposition" is intercut - almost indiscriminately - with glamor shots of Zarkorr (I'm omitting the exclamation point in a vain bid to preserve my dignity) erupting from a pink precipice and demolishing miniatures.

That sentence was too long.  Also too long?  Zarkorr, which barely scrapes the 80-minute mark.  The film comes courtesy of Monster Island Entertainment, a shingle conceived by Charles Band to pay homage to Toho classics of yesteryear.  A nice idea, but the venture became insolvent after only a couple of years.  We got one other monster mash out of the deal, the equally mediocre Kraa! The Sea Monster.  Yes, I've seen it, and no, I'm not reviewing it.  Boo and hiss all you want.  It's funny; the main character is chosen by aliens to save the Earth because he is average.  Middling.  The mean.  And that's exactly how I would describe Zarkorr! The Invader.  It's not worth saying that I've seen worse, but of course, I've seen worse.  Who hasn't?  I'm in the market for a better measuring stick.

Album Cover of the Whatever

Finnish black metal.  Dig it!  The band is Azaghal, by the way.

Goodbye green...

So what do you think of the new color scheme?  Your vote counts.  Just kidding!  I'm not interested in your opinion at all.  What does that have to do with DNA, a straight-to-video creature feature from 1996?  Nothing, but I did review it for the book.  Speaking of which, I'll have more news on the book front in April.  No fooling!

Blood Capsule #186

SUITABLE FLESH (2023)

As anyone who knows me can attest, I am woefully out of step with modern horror.  In the days before social media, I used to be surgically grafted to message boards, and I had committed to memory the release dates of various upcoming projects.  That was then.  Now?  It wouldn't be unfair to say that I live in the past.  But generally, when something is worth watching, I hear about it.  Such is the case with Suitable Flesh, a film that reteams writer Dennis Paoli with ageless scream queen Barbara Crampton.  This is an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's "The Thing on the Doorstep," and if the closing credits jog your memory, it's because Paoli also provided the screenplays for Re-Animator and From Beyond.  Does Flesh reach those levels of psychoactive tomfoolery?  Let's find out.

Director Joe Lynch does a commendable job of stretching an obviously low budget, even if the exposition does feel constrained to stay within the parameters of a handful of sets.  I dug the clever scene transitions.  My commentary might come off as dry, but I did enjoy this 80's throwback.  It's just...eh, it's only a throwback in spirit, as it never truly realizes the freakout genius of, well, Re-Animator and From Beyond.  Fans will appreciate the practical special effects, though.  The ugly truth is that we've seen the story of a baneful, body-hopping entity play out in so many other genre films, it becomes challenging to lose yourself in this one.  Still, kudos to Heather Graham for her multi-hued performance.  I bought what she was selling, and yes, the nudity helped.  'Twas unnecessary, but it helped.  Recommended to fans of Nyarlathotep and astral projection.

The Stuff?

I once met Buff Bagwell.  He worked an indie show here about 10-12 years ago.  And that's all I have to say on the matter, but I will be watching his episode of Dark Side of the Ring later tonight.  I'm taking the rest of the weekend off.  Laters!

Blood Capsule #185

THE DARK (1979)

Well, that was abysmal.  Ironically enough, I missed out on the opportunity to see The Dark on the big screen years ago at a movie marathon.  Hindsight suggests that my fate was fortuitous.  Where do I even begin?  I worry about any theater patrons who caught this sci-fi sedative during its initial run.  I'm afraid it may be revealed that watching The Dark has the same effect on the central nervous system as inhaling carbon monoxide.  Okay, that's enough critic quotes for the inevitable 4k restoration.  Let's anatomize the plot, shall we?  An alien dressed for Casual Friday crash lands in the bustling bowels of Los Angeles.  Reporters and detectives are puzzled by a recent rash of murders that don't seem to have any connective tissue, unless you count the blood samples collected at each crime scene.  I bet the alien is involved.

Usually, films that had a frazzled production history have some cult appeal.  This one is mind-numbingly boring.  That's hard to believe, seeing as how the alien shoots lasers out of his eyes.  John "Bud" Cardos occupied the director's chair to bail out a transient Tobe Hooper.  It doesn't feel like The Dark was directed by anyone at all.  Random shots linger for no reason, and most of the "action" is lost in a sea of black.  I've heard of day-for-night photography, but this is ridiculous.  Was the film shot on asphalt and edited with electrical tape?  Needless to say, my mind wandered here and there.  By the time we arrived at a resolution, I had my grocery list done.  I need more macaroni and cheese, by the way.  And fresh milk!  Yeah, The Dark is laborious.  I can only recommend the last five minutes.  Those other minutes?  Optional at best.

Now Playing

Mordicus - Dances from Left

"Diamond in the rough" is a designation that was seemingly minted just for this album.  I've never met anyone who has even heard of Mordicus.  Hailing from Finland, they released one EP and one LP before calling it a day.  They have a second album listed on Metal Archives, but it also mentions that their second album was shelved.  So who knows?  I'm here to discuss 1993's Dances from Left.  These dudes could pass for a melodeath band, but they don't frolic in the In Flames/Dark Tranquility strain that erupted out of Sweden.  Of course, I say that, but I'm going to compare them to a Swedish luminaire.  This record reminds me of At the Gates' Slaughter of the Soul, only...better.  Yeah, I said it.  The guitars have the same beefy tone.  What's more, vocalist Robert Arpo's blusterous rasps bring Tomas Lindberg to mind.

I know next to nothing about drums, but I can tell when a drummer kicks ass.  This guy (credited as Heikki Lappalainen) definitely kicks ass.  There is plenty of variation where the beats are concerned.  The riffs are fairly brutal, although I would still classify these tunes as "catchy."  My favorite track is the 8-minute "A Thorn in Holy Flesh."  You should also check out "Oceans," "I Bleed to See," and "Cybernetic Summer."

Atten Ash - The Hourglass

Do you miss Daylight Dies as much as I do?  For my money, they were the best melodic doom/death band going, but it has been twelve (!) years since their last opus.  It doesn't look like they'll be reemerging anytime soon.  But drop that noose!  I found an album that fills the void left behind by such classics as Dismantling Devotion and A Frail Becoming.  Atten Ash shares DD's state of origin, which happens to be my state of origin - North Carolina.  They also share a guitarist by the name of Barre Gambling.  I have to think this is the member responsible for the gorgeous guitar solos on The Hourglass.  Does this offer anything new?  No.  In fact, you could call it a lost Daylight Dies album, but that's not a drawback.  Unfortunately, this project has also been dormant for twelve years.  Oh, well.

Out of all of the music I've listened to since the last iteration of Now Playing, I've pulled The Hourglass the most.  Make of that what you will.  Preferred selections?  I guess "Born," but they're all tasty.

Random Match Alert

Most wrestling fans know that 1996's Bash at the Beach was an incredibly important pay-per-view, but did you know that the card featured matches other than the main event?  Take this one, for example.  Rey Mysterio and Psychosis "pulled the curtain" with this 15-minute barn-burner.  NOTE: You'll have to go to Peacock to see the full match.

Escape to Cremation

You can expect to see a new edition of Now Playing within the next week or so (give or take several decades), but you want to know what I'm listening to right now?  Like, now now?  Veteran bone-snappers Drawn and Quartered.  To be specific, I'm jamming Hail Infernal Darkness, their fourth album.  This band is so underrated, it's criminal.  In fact, it might be a felony in certain states.  They have kicked out eight (!) platters of raw, bloody death metal since forming in the mid-90's.  You can throw a dart at their discography, and chances are, you will probably land on something cool.  Last night, I played Return of the Black Death (LP #3, pictured above).  It sounds like it looks - awesome!

I was trying to think of points of comparison.  Imagine the sewage of Incantation intermingled with the neck-twisting groove of Immolation.  I guess that's all I wanted to say.  I'll be back in a few days with more randomness.  Insert guitar solo here.

Blood Capsule #184

SOMETHING EVIL (1972)

Following in the footsteps of The Lawnmower Man and Circuitry Man, Hologram Man is a cautionary tale about the dangers of transferring one's soul into holographic stasis.  And that, dear reader, was going to be the first sentence of today's review until I sleepily slid into watching Something Evil.  This was a treat.  I didn't know it going in, but this made-for-TV sternum-stroker (it was either that or "spine-chiller") was shepherded by a young, hungry Steven Spielberg.  Coming hot off the heels of Duel, he was still finding himself on the set of this project.  Personally, I was sold as soon as I saw a pre-Night Stalker* Darren McGavin's name in the opening credits.  He plays Paul, the concerned husband of a beleaguered woman (a fraught Sandy Dennis).  What's beleaguering her?  Find out in the next paragraph...same time, same channel!

There is something bedeviling their home, something a little more malevolent than a mere ghost.  It has been said that Evil served as a dry run for Poltergeist, and I can back that sentiment.  The latter film is superior, but Spielberg's direction is sharp here.  The first half is slow-going, almost too slow.  Almost.  Patience is rewarded in a significant way, however.  Stevie expertly uses the acoustics of a room to his advantage in building tension.  It's funny; according to the man himself, CBS hacked his budget and hobbled his creative impulses.  I couldn't tell.  By the way, I did pop Hologram Man into my VCR.  It's a tepid, noisy sci-fi/actioner.  I bet you weren't banking on reading two reviews in one, were you?  No one asked, but my favorite Spielberg joint has always been Subspecies.

*So apparently, both Something Evil and The Night Stalker premiered in early 1972.  'Twas a good year for small-screen spooks.

Album Cover of the Whatever

I don't listen to much modern thrash, but I have to respect Gama Bomb for going all-out with Bats, their latest LP.  At press time, it is unclear what role Lou Diamond Phillips played in the creation of the album, if any.  Great cover, though!

Blood Capsule #183

THE CELLAR (1988)

I know Kevin Tenney to be a talented director with a keen eye for style.  It's unfortunate that he wasn't allowed to utilize much of that talent on the set of The Cellar.  Apparently, he was roped in just days after someone else was relieved of the position.  Unable to reshoot thorny footage, he was able to make the best of a bad situation.  Watching the film over thirty years later, you can tell that it was a flustered production, but if you go in with the right mindset (and a fistful of edibles...I'm kidding?), most of the punches connect.  The premise borrows from the very well of Native American folklore that so many other budget-minded fright flicks have despoiled.  A Comanche tribe jams a spear into the ground in an effort to contain a profound evil.  As it happens, this evil is a ratty, brutish warthog demon...thing.

Cut to modern day Arizona.  The spear is unaccounted for, and as such, our bestial gallybagger is free to roam in the cellar of a dwelling peopled by an innocuous family.  The Cellar doesn't come right out and say it, but the monster seems to have a Shining-esque effect on Mance, the father of the household.  He stops just short of becoming an axe-wielding maniac.  An honorable mention goes out to Chris Miller.  He plays the prepubescent protagonist, and miraculously, he didn't grate my nerves.  As for the creature, I'll be charitable and say that the prosthetic is restrictive.  We're limited to tight shots of trunk, tooth, and claw.  Hey, I'll take what I can get.  The Cellar wrapped in the same calendar year as Night of the Demons.  That's a pretty sweet double feature from where I'm sitting.  Recommended to fans of basements and The Basement.  Don't forget Crawlspace!