Blood Capsule #389

SEA FEVER (2019)

So this one was tucked away in Shudder's list of supposed "creature features."  At first glance, it seems like a modern day variant of Deepstar Six or even The Abyss.  In truth, it's a bit more than that.  And less.  Wow, I'm doing a swell job of describing it so far.  You know what sucks about writing reviews of movies that I genuinely like?  Take Sea Fever, for example.  I have to tell you everything about it without telling you anything about it.  Basically, you're going to have to trust me.  Have I steered you wrong before?  Aside from that time when I steered you wrong?  A "sea fever" is a real malady that can befall sailors or anyone who has been out at sea for awhile.  Typically, it doesn't involve aqua parasites, though.  Full transparency!  I have a color bias.  No, I'm not racist; my favorite color is turquoise, so our maritime menace is cosmetically pleasing.  Now is a good time to mention that the underwater photography is absolutely stunning.  Hats off to director Neasa Hardiman for capturing the pulchritude of the ocean while still keeping it spooky.

Sea Fever's secret weapon?  Dependable acting.  It's worth noting that this is an Irish production.  You may need subtitles to catch all of the dialogue, as accents tend to be heavier than anchors.  Hermione Corfield delivers a focused performance as the somewhat somber Siobhan.  It's always helpful if your main protagonist is likeable.  Apparently, Toni Collette was slated to join the cast, but scheduling issues meant that the character of Freya would be played by Connie Nielsen.  The whole troupe is game.  I just realized that I haven't provided you with a synopsis.  All you need to know is that a fishing trawler runs afoul of a...I want to type "sea monster," but that's a little misleading.  Here's something that isn't misleading - the first half of Sea Fever borrows liberally from Alien's playbook.  I'm thinking of a certain scene in particular.  Of course, I shouldn't reveal too much.  This is an engrossing film that you'll want to discover on your own.  Strongly recommended to fans of 2020's Underwater and bioluminescent phytoplankton.  And juniper berries.  Don't forget juniper berries.

Blood Capsule #388

BEWARE! THE BLOB (1972)

The 1988 remake of The Blob is awesome.  But you already knew that.  The 1958 original is regarded as a classic, and while I do enjoy it, I don't think I'm creating controversy by saying it's a bit rigid.  Then we have Beware! The Blob, which is usually tagged as a "horror comedy."  You can tell that some of the dialogue is riffed by the veteran ensemble, a multifarious congregation assembled by director...Larry Hagman?  Yes, that Larry Hagman.  This is his only feature-length credit from behind the camera.  Seems odd.  Then again, I feel like I say that about everything I review.  We don't see a meteorite fall from the heavens.  Our amorphous assailant is already contained as a frozen specimen from the North Pole.  This is where Beware's status as a sequel is called into question.  Later on, a character is seen watching The Blob on television.  So this is the Halloween III: Season of the Witch of the Blob continuity.  At any rate, the rest of the plot writes itself.

I had fun with this little flick.  It could be argued that it goes through the motions, but don't certain things have to happen here?  I mean, it's Beware! the Blob.  The special effects aren't nearly as dismal as one would expect.  The tone is lightweight.  All of the action leads to a rambunctious climax at a bowling alley.  Bowling is cool.  This is an easy 87 minutes that deserves to be appreciated at a drive-in theater.  Unfortunately, I had to settle for my bedroom, and I didn't even have any nachos.  Gerrit Graham has a small role as a partygoer in an ape suit.  I didn't recognize anyone else, aside from the red menace.  For my money, Beware! the Blob is the second best Blob movie on the block.  Now you know.

2

I have two more reviews to write before I begin work on the second book.  In a few days, I'll announce the book exclusives...that is, the reviews you'll only be able to find in the book.  A) I haven't written them yet.  B) They're a big deal.

Stay tuned!

Blood Capsule #387

THE COMPANION (1994)

A review on IMDb compared The Companion to an episode of The Outer Limits (the 90's version).  Yes.  Exactly.  I'm not even sure that I can describe this film any more accurately than that, but I'll try.  This time, the android is a mock human that you can purchase and reprogram to fit your needs.  Gillian is given a "companion" as a gift.  She names it (well, him) Jeffrey and takes him to a remote cabin where she intends to write her next smutty romance novel.  At first, the cybernetic steward acts as a butler.  He cleans, he chops wood, and he knows every Italian recipe under the sun.  The perfect mate?  Well, hold the phone.  He comes off a bit dry, so Gillian takes it upon herself to reprogram his sexuality.  She also enables an option known as "random data."  Big mistake.  It isn't long before Jeffrey is dispatching anyone he perceives to be a threat, and that includes minor nuisances.  He puts an axe (or some other tapered weapon) into the neighbor, a wormy louse played by the late Brion James.

The Companion was made for the USA Network.  That explains why I hadn't heard of it until scouring the web for any movie involving a cyborg.  You can tell it was sculpted for television, but you know what?  It's good.  Like, really good.  There's my critic quote for the Blu-ray release.  Bruce Greenwood is dialed in as the titular robo-dude.  He knows when to play Jeffrey with humility and when to go into "mecha-mode."  Kathryn Harrold is superb as the heroine, even if her decision-making skills are, shall we say, questionable.  Taking the limits of the medium into consideration, the death sequences are lacking...teeth?  The Companion could definitely use an R rating, but that's a paltry charge.  This is the second best flick I watched for Random Robot Month next to...am I really going to mention Evolver again?  Sorry, it was tubular.  The Companion is tubular in its own way.  Director Gary Fleder later helmed Kiss the Girls, which I might revisit tonight.*

*I don't know why I added the asterisk.  Should I leave it?  Yeah, I'll leave it.

Blood Capsule #386

CLASS OF 1999 (1990)

I must claim ignorance.  I haven't seen the punk-centric Class of 1984.  As far as I can tell, it doesn't have anything to do with battle droids, so I'm okay with missing out on it.  I'm sure it's a dandy picture, but this is Random Robot Month.  Priorities and all that.  Class of 1999 is an amalgamation of The Terminator and Higher Learning.  We're in the future again.  Public schools have become infested with rival gangs and all of the violence associated with rival gangs.  To stem the tide, the government issues cyborg teachers to America's most turbulent high schools unbeknownst to the students.  We settle on Seattle's Kennedy High, which is flagged as a "free-fire zone."  Essentially, cops are taken out of the equation.  Three bots are sent to restore order, two of them being Pam Grier and John Ryan (the father from It's Alive, of all people).  Our warring factions are The Razorheads and The Blackhearts, but of course, both sides find a common foe in the new faculty members.

Bradley Gregg is acceptable as the main character, I guess.  He's supposed to be the tough guy.  I don't know.  I mean, I could probably take him.  Joshua John Miller plays his little brother, and if you're looking for a random bit of trivia, he wrote 2015's The Final Girls (an awesome slasher, that).  At the end of the day, the antagonists are more interesting than the protagonists.  Case in point, Stacy Keach has loads of fun as an albino mad scientist with a killer mullet.  He deserves a spinoff sequel.  This flick is never brilliant, but it's never boring either.  The third act is brimming with explosions and sweet robot gore.  I have no problem recommending Class of 1999 to fans of the films I already mentioned.  And mechanical pencils.  Don't forget mechanical pencils.  Class of 1999 II: The Substitute came out in 1994.  It stars Sasha Mitchell (a.k.a. Cody from Step by Step).  I'm putting it on my list of movies to check out...at some point.  Maybe.

YouTubin'

Click HERE.  That is all.

Blood Capsule #385

M3GAN (2022)

So I'm just now seeing this flick.  It may not flaunt a novel premise, but it feels painfully relevant in an era where I could have AI write this review if I wanted.  Don't worry; these are my words.  Does it bother you that I could easily be lying?  Because it bothers me.  That's the conceit of M3GAN.  Technology has officially become creepy.  There is no video game involved, but M3GAN does for the modern day what Evolver did for 1995.  It combines the "killer doll" agency of 1991's Dolly Dearest with the technophobia that galvanized 1993's Ghost in the Machine.  Now that I've gotten 90's references out of my system, let's jump into a synopsis.  On second thought, I probably don't need to recapitulate the plot to you.  Obviously, a little girl befriends the Megan prototype.  Mom - the engineer behind the project - gets suspicious when the nextdoor neighbor's dog goes missing.  Eventually, Megan pushes a kid into oncoming traffic, but the movie is smart about how the stakes are raised.

In Evolver, the corporate types were portrayed in a realistic light.  Here, the bigwigs are more conventionally composed, but in their defense, they don't realize that Megan is on the blink until it's too late.  Just like Evolver, M3GAN wraps a slick thriller around the nuts and bolts of its script.  I don't mean to keep comparing the two, but Evolver set the bar ridiculously high.  That's my problem, though.  I enjoyed this viewing experience anyway.  I'm sure that the film has something meaningful to say about robotics and the fact that AI is a potential source of unrest for many, but it also works on a superficial scale.  I look forward to turning my brain off with M3GAN 2.0 at some point down the road.  Do we have a new horror icon on our hands?  Hmm, the jury is still out, but I'm all for M3GAN merchandising opportunities.  Are we sure that Charles Band didn't serve as executive producer?  I guess we'll know if M3GAN 4 and 5 are shot simultaneously in Romania.*

*I'm pretty sure that Puppet Master 4 and 5 were shot in California, but that's not as funny.

Blood Capsule #384

THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME (1979)

While this isn't much of a "killer robot" flick (although we do see a roving band of diabolical automatons), it's worth mentioning as a "waste of Jack Palance" flick.  You didn't realize that was a subgenre, did you?  Here, he is the de facto despotic leader of Delta 3, a distant planet in something that tries to pass itself off as an H.G. Wells adaptation.  In reality, The Shape of Things to Come has very little in common with its supposed source.  We're knee-deep in the future.  Earth has successfully colonized the moon, but we are dependent upon a radiation drug for survival.  Unfortunately, the drug can only be found on Delta 3.  How are there humans on Delta 3?  No, I'm asking.  The script casually mentions this other planet that seems to be habitable.  I'm thinking too much.  Palance would make for a grand villain, but he only pops up for the first and last fifteen minutes.  The in-between focuses on Starstreak, a rogue spaceship that hasn't been tested.  I feel like I'm hemorrhaging readers.  I don't blame you.

Wrestling is on in the background.  I'm waiting to see the AEW Women's Championship match between Thekla and Thunder Rosa.  Thekla is cool.  She's way more interesting than The Shape of Things to Come.  Let's be honest; I'm in autopilot mode.  Oh, I forgot to mention that this is a Canadian film.  The budget is low, although the sets are quite stately.  The robots?  Mid.  The Shape of Things to Come came out in an era where audiences had acclimated to Star Wars standards.  As such, it feels desperately out of time.  Director George McCowan also helmed Frogs.  NOTE: I'm returning an hour later to tell you that Thekla won the match.  Yay!

Blood Capsule #383

EVOLVER (1995)

Ever heard of Evolver?  I'm guessing not.  I've never heard anyone make a passing reference to this flick, and if it wasn't for a back issue of Fangoria (never let anyone tell you that you can't live in the past), I wouldn't know about it either.  Imagine if you will that one of the killbots from Chopping Mall decided to embark on a solo career.  Now imagine this bot voiced by William H. Macy.  That almost sounds contrived, but I'm telling you, this thing exists.  So what is an Evolver?  It's a virtual reality game in beta mode.  Teenaged Kyle wins a contest and thus, wins the right to test Evolver in his own home.  Essentially, he and his friends play laser tag with an advanced robot that could be called a dummy run for Siri or Alexa.  Any 90's kid will tell you that the period between, say, '92 and '95 was rife with virtual reality mania.  As it relates to horror, it's practically a subgenre all its own.  Evolver starts with that kind of deliciously dated cheese.  I was instantly reminded of 1994's Brainscan, which has long been a favorite of mine.  But then...

...something happened.  Evolver evolved.  The film seriously shaped up and entertained the bejeezus out of me.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  Maybe the script used sleight of hand to lubricate the receptors in my brain.  Ethan Embry is likeable as a normal 16-year-old who is so invested in video games, he doesn't notice the obvious signs that a girl is crushing on him.  I was going to say "I've been there," but I was usually the one with the crush.  The pace?  You knew I was going to comment on it.  Everything glides along with a reserved urgency (???).  You're never too far away from a well-earned red herring or a wacky death sequence.  Evolver has a mean streak.  The stakes are high from the very beginning, as the storyline cleverly nudges Kyle's little sister into danger.  There is a capitalistic corporation involved, and I was ready to deal with those tropes, but amazingly, the bigwigs in the film are the first folks to kibosh the project.  They actually react in a realistic way.  Go figure.

I could easily write a few more paragraphs.  I realize that we're not even halfway through Random Robot Month, but this is definitely the hit of the bunch.  5 Z'Dars?  Why not?  By the way, I'm pretty sure that Evolver is on DVD, but you can also watch it on Tubi.  Check it out pronto.

Lunacy, huh?

Click HERE to watch me rant about JCW.  It's not...good.

Blood Capsule #382

TARGET EARTH (1954)

Here we have a film that more people should know about.  See, this is why I do what I do.  I don't know why Target Earth has been condemned to obscurity, but if you'll just hand me that shovel over there, I'll dig it up and praise its peculiarities accordingly.  Our story begins with a woman waking to find that her city of residence (Chicago, if I'm not mistaken) has been evacuated.  Later, we learn that she was never supposed to regain consciousness at all.  She tried to overdose on sleeping pills, which adds dramatic weight to her character.  It's a sidenote, but I thought it was a nice touch on screenwriter James H. Nicholson's part.  Random trivia!  Nicholson later co-founded American International Pictures with Samuel Z. Arkoff.  Okay, I have seriously derailed myself.  It happens.  Anyway, the woman eventually finds a few other folks who were left behind.  Is it the end of the world?  While I wouldn't describe this landscape as post-apocalyptic, it's certainly a grim situation made all the more grim by the presence of...giant robots!

We never find out where they came from, though a levelheaded Richard Denning posits that they most likely arrived from Venus.  It's a full-scale invasion, but we only ever see one robot.  It's a testament to Target Earth that the atmosphere is wrought with unease.  We don't need to see the rest of the world in chaos; we feel it.  Of course, I'm me, so I loved the robot action.  As far as robots go, it's no Gort from The Day the Earth Stood Still, but it's charming nonetheless.  With a satisfying climax, everything is wrapped up in a breezy 75 minutes.  Given its early release in relation to other sci-fi blue chippers, I'm surprised that Target Earth doesn't command more respect from the nerd community at large.  As a nerd myself, I remain perplexed.  Definitely check it out.  I usually try to end with a stupid joke.  Nah, just check it out.

Blood Capsule #381

DEADLY FRIEND (1986)

If you're going to call yourself a horror fan, you better watch every Wes Craven film.  Random Robot Month gave me the opportunity to take this one off my list.  I still haven't seen A Vampire in Brooklyn, but um, I have my rudiments covered.  Can we just pretend - for the sake of this capsule - that I've seen every Wes Craven film?  Thanks.  I went into Deadly Friend with zero expectations.  I didn't even know that it was the victim of reshoots, but I would have figured it out.  It's clear that we have a struggle on our hands, an epic joust between a somewhat wholesome sci-fi story and an unambiguous slasher that forces gore into every available open wound.  Ouch.  Paul is a whiz kid who makes robots.  He likes the girl next door, so when she is accidentally killed by her abusive father, his Frankenstein faculties impel him to bring her back from the dead.  Basically, what we have here is I Was a Teenage Bride of Re-Animator.  Kristy Swanson plays the half-undead Samantha well, but it's hard to buy her as a monster threat.

Of course, that could be the point.  That's the problem, dear reader.  Deadly Friend aims too high.  Yet somehow, I was entertained.  There's something cozy about the autumnal vibes here, even if Halloween is merely a backdrop.  I see trick-or-treaters, I smile.  It's that simple.  An honorable mention goes out to Anne Ramsey.  In my head, this movie shares a universe with Throw Momma from the Train.  Elvira's basketball death is patently ridiculous, and I'm here for it.  I might recommend this flick for most of the wrong reasons, although it's easy to understand why Craven felt disenfranchised by the final product.  I think everyone can agree that BB is an objectively delightful robot.  At the very least, I'd rank Deadly Friend above Deadly Blessing.  And A Vampire in Brooklyn?  No?  Fine, not that I need your permission.

Blood Capsule #380

REPTILIAN (1999)

For years, I confused this flick with 1998's Gargantua.  An easy mistake, as both endeavors attempt to piggyback off of the fleeting success of Roland Emmerich's Godzilla.  I have a confession to make; I have a soft spot for 98's 'Zilla.  Can't help it.  I was 13 at the time, and I was on a voracious Godzilla kick.  Toys, movies, comic books...I had to have all of it.  It could be argued that I haven't matured since then.  Case in point, I was bound and determined to end Random Dinosaur Month with Reptilian.  And yes, it counts.  We open on an archeological dig where journalists and scientists alike wax philosophical about the discovery of a giant dino fossil.  Hold that thought.  A fringe paleo-savant has also found prehistoric hieroglyphics that seem to denote extraterrestrial intervention.  Sure enough, we cut to the cosmos and yahtzee!  Wicked-looking aliens (in comparably wicked-looking spaceships) have designs on the colossal skeleton.  One concentrated laser blast later, Yongary Jr. sprouts flesh and stomps his way to Los Angeles.

That's not just a kaiju allusion.  This film is known as Yong(g)ary overseas, though it doesn't appear to be an official remake.  It's a South Korean production with a mainly American cast.  For what it's worth, it's very possible that I'm still a teenager because I really enjoyed this twaddle.  The blocky CGI leaves much to be desired, but eh, I'll allow it.  The third act busts out a second monster, an Anguirus clone named Cycor.  Expectations exceeded?  I think so.  I don't need to tell you that the human characters aren't terribly fascinating.  Reptilian compensates for its lack of profundity with plenty of dumb explosions.  I like dumb explosions.  When you couple the brisk action with a quick pace, you get a fun viewing experience.  By the way, the version I watched (and indeed, it's the only version available) includes story tweaks and fine-tuned special effects that were added two years after Reptilian's release date.  Almost 4 Z'Dars.  Let's not get too crazy.

10 (repost)

I just filed away Blood Capsule #390 (see the Upcoming Review Schedule to the right).  That leaves ten reviews to be written.  And then?  And then.  I will let you guys know when I actually start the process of putting the book together.  That's probably when I'll announce the book-exclusive reviews.  Yes, I'll be writing something special just for the book, and unlike the exclusives in my first book, these will NEVER appear online.  So I still have plenty of work to do.

PS-Buy the first book HERE.

Blood Capsule #379

DENNIS THE MENACE: DINOSAUR HUNTER (1987)

I...have been burned.  It's my own fault.  I bought this movie without doing any research on it.  If I had done my due diligence, I would have discovered that Dennis the Menace: Dinosaur Hunter doesn't contain any dinosaurs.  There are dinosaur bones, and one of the characters is a paleontologist, but that's about it.  So why am I writing this review?  To punish myself, mainly.  I can't believe that I thought Dennis the Menace not only hunted dinosaurs in this thing, but that some studio went out of their way to create dinosaurs for Dennis (y'know, the menace) to hunt.  Victor DiMatteia stars as the troublesome tyke.  He finds a fossil in the front yard, so his father has an old college buddy take a look at it.  The buddy turns out to be a parasite.  Not literally, although that would have been an interesting plot twist.  Eventually, the Menace clan runs afoul of an evil corporation (dear God) who wants to convert their neighborhood into a dino-themed amusement park.

Guess what?  This was a pilot for a potential series.  You don't have to believe me, and I don't blame you if you don't, but it aired on September 11th.  That makes so much sense.  Actually, it's not terrible.  I remember the 1993 version of Dennis the Menace being more cartoonish.  Here, Dennis is a pain, but he doesn't seem worthy of a comic strip.  Mr. Wilson is given a fairly involved subplot.  His wife goes to work at a candy store to pay for their second honeymoon.  It's high drama.  Yeah, I don't have much to offer on Dennis the Menace: Dinosaur Hunter.  Random trivia!?  The little girl who plays Margaret grew up to be a porn star.  I wish I didn't know that.

10

I just filed away Blood Capsule #390 (see the Upcoming Review Schedule to the right).  That leaves ten reviews to be written.  And then?  And then.  I will let you guys know when I actually start the process of putting the book together.  That's probably when I'll announce the book-exclusive reviews.  Yes, I'll be writing something special just for the book, and unlike the exclusives in my first book, these will NEVER appear online.  So I still have plenty of work to do.

PS-Buy the first book HERE.

Blood Capsule #378

THE VALLEY OF GWANGI (1969)

Dinosaurs and...cowboys?  Sure, why not?  Actually, there is a quasi-niche that combines the cosmetic properties of the western with science fiction.  You may remember 2011's Cowboys and Aliens.  This film was originally dreamed up to be the follow-up to 1933's King Kong.  After Willis O'Brien died in 1962, producer Charles Schneer decided to revive the project with Ray Harryhausen handling the stop-motion effects.  I'm a Harryhausen nut (it could be argued that I'm a stop-motion nut in general), so The Valley of Gwangi is pretty close to my wheelhouse.  Is a wheelhouse a regular house on wheels?  Or are we talking about a house full of casters and sprockets of all sizes?  Nevermind.  Gila Golan plays T.J. Breckenridge, a rodeo performer looking to spice up her act.  James Franciscus is Tuck Kirby, a jerk who sexually harasses his way into the behind-the-scenes machinations of T.J.'s stage show.  Of course, he's depicted as a heartthrob.  Whatever, man.  Eventually, they stumble upon a wild Eohippus.  What's an Eohippus?  I might tell you in the next paragraph.

An Eohippus is a pygmy horse that went extinct roughly 50 million years ago.  Apparently, it was discovered in the valley of the "Gwangi," a dinosaur that lacks people skills.  To be more specific, it's an Allosaurus - an "almost T-Rex" - that steals/chews the scenery.  Do I really need to comment on the visuals here?  Obviously, the dino scrapes look outstanding, especially the bit where four or five cowboys attempt to lasso the beast.  We also see a Styracosaurus and an Ornithomimus, if that means anything to you.  The human drama pales in comparison to the sci-fi insanity.  Plot holes threaten to undermine the third act, although I advise against watching The Valley of Gwangi as a script supervisor.  It's just silly fun.  Harryhausen's efforts are worth the price of admission alone, but if you're angling to check out his resume, I'd start elsewhere.  Maybe The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms.

Recommended to fans of The Black Scorpion and rodeo-themed bumper stickers that read Buck Around, Find Out.

Blood Capsule #377

PRIMITIVE WAR (2025)

I'm not big on war movies.  Having said that, I like the conceit of tossing dinosaurs into pre-existing templates, the war movie included.  Dog Soldiers succeeded by tossing werewolves into the war movie.  So there is a precedent.  I really wanted to turn my brain off and enjoy Primitive War.  Of course, you can probably tell by that sentence that I ran into some opposition.  First, a synopsis.  The military encounters dinosaurs.  Okey-dokey, now what?  It may sound as though I disapprove of the unpretentious nature of the premise, but that couldn't be further from the truth.  The plot is fine.  Unfortunately, it was an hour into the film before I could identify any of the characters.  We have a mess of troops and Jeremy Piven.  Such random casting.  Even if I learned their names, I couldn't make heads or tails of...well, their heads or tails on account of the dark imagery.  I don't mean thematically; the picture is literally dark, an annoying Hollywood trend that I hereby dub "non-lighting."  It doesn't matter if the action sequences are cool if I can't see them.

As for the dinosaurs, the CGI is clean as expected.  There was never a chance that the special effects department wouldn't hold up their end of the bargain, but with this kind of budget, it's hard to heap praises on anyone for doing their job.  Give Fred Olen Ray millions of dollars.  I'm sure he could turn out a decent monster or two.  I'm not all doom and gloom.  The pace picks up steam after the halfway mark, and at a certain point, I started enjoying myself.  That's bound to happen with a fleet of raptors involved.  We get mild blood, but there are no stand-out bits of gore.  If it weren't for excessive (and quite frankly, pointless) profanity, Primitive War would be rated PG-13.  I don't know, man.  If it's slick dino skirmishes you want, you might as well stick to the Jurassic World circus exhibit.  Maybe this flick just caught me on the wrong day.  I'm gonna go watch something directed by Fred Olen Ray.

{REPOST} April will be...

...Random Robot Month!  I've already written over half of the reviews for it.  It's an eclectic mix as usual.  All robots, all random.  There likely won't be any more theme months as we wind the site down, unless something organically presents itself.  Including the Blood Capsules you haven't read yet, I only have fifteen more to write before beginning work on my second book in earnest.  A little sad, yes, but also exciting!

Blood Capsule #376

PREHYSTERIA! 3 (1995)

If you watch this junk on VHS (and if you have any self-respect, you will), you'll notice that unlike the first two Prehysteria! entries, there is no Videozone featurette after the movie.  No cute "behind the scenes" fluff.  That's by design, dear reader.  By this point, Charles Band had stopped trying with this series.  That's saying something, considering that Prehysteria! 2 saw a precipitous downturn in entertainment value.  3 is still entertaining, but for all the wrong reasons.  Red flag number one?  This flick is directed by David DeCoteau.  Also, the special effects that salvaged the second film are...hold on, let me reach for my thesaurus.  Ahem.  The effects have collapsed.  Withered.  Deteriorated.  Degenerated.  Putrefied.  Worsened.  The tiny dinosaurs barely move, and in some painful instances, they don't move at all.  What's more, the characters react to seeing them as if they are gawking at gerbils.  No one is impressed by the sight of a prehistoric beast trudging about on a golf course.  Yes, a golf course.

Technically, you can put Prehysteria! 3 in the same bracket as The Mighty Ducks or Little Big League.  Ella is a junior golfer.  When she discovers the bite-size dinos, she uses them to turn her dad's failing putt-putt course into a booming business.  Yeah, that's the plot.  The dinos don't really matter.  Fred Willard is the dad, and he essentially plays Fred Willard.  Whitney Anderson gets into the spirit as our lead brat.  She's obsessed with Sean Connery for some reason.  Jesus, Prehysteria! 3 is weird.  The budget must have been miniscule.  Oddly, there are no interior shots of Ella's house, and all of the action takes place at a country club.  The pterosaur - y'know, the flying reptile - is never seen flying.  Oof.  The dinos end up serving hamburgers to golf patrons via the concession stand.  For God's sake, they're called Dino-Burgers.  If I were a dino, I would watch my back.  Um, don't watch Prehysteria! 3.

April will be...

...Random Robot Month!  I've already written over half of the reviews for it.  It's an eclectic mix as usual.  All robots, all random.  There likely won't be any more theme months as we wind the site down, unless something organically presents itself.  Including the Blood Capsules you haven't read yet, I only have fifteen more to write before beginning work on my second book in earnest.  A little sad, yes, but also exciting!

Blood Capsule #375

PREHYSTERIA! 2 (1994)

So the main brat in this film was played by Kevin Connors.  Does that name ring a bell?  It shouldn't.  He was also the brat in Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead.  And aside from a supporting role in Pleasantville, that was the extent of his Hollywood career.  How positively random.  Here, he is Brendan, a spoiled brat who we're supposed to get behind.  Sorry, I couldn't do it.  I knew this was going to be a substandard sequel when it was revealed that Brendan had a bedroom full of expensive toys and games that he didn't play with.  Yeah, he's one of those kids.  He encounters bullies within the first 15 minutes, and you know what?  I was rooting for the bullies.  Jennifer Harte isn't quite as exacerbating as the less fortunate pal, but this is her only screen credit.  EDITOR'S NOTE: I was going to write a joke that involved dinosaurs and sexual assault, but...um, I thought better of it.  Maybe this is the joke.  Pretend these sentences never happened.

The (off-screen) family from the first movie leaves their precious dino-cargo in the hands of their gardener.  Of course, the little beasties are abducted and wind up in the auspices of ol' Brendan.  The dinosaurs are still cute, but I'll level with you.  Prehysteria! 2 is stupid.  The comedy is dumber, the pratfalls are harder to believe (apparently, the dinos are fluent in English), and we don't even get a decent antagonist.  The closest we come to a true villain is a "governess" who acts as a geriatric tyrant.  Blegh.  On the upside, Charles Band's Moonbeam imprint was still able to siphon sweet coin from Paramount, so at the very least, the production values are clean.  All of the special effects remain impressive.  However, the mini-dinos are very nearly relegated to "B" plot status.  You don't put mini-dinos in your "B" plot.  If you're wondering, yes, I'm going to finish the trilogy.  Realistically, I don't know how many more words I can write about these movies, but we'll find out together.

Blood Capsule #374

PREHYSTERIA! (1993)

I know, I know...this isn't a horror film.  Do I really need to explain the b-movie appeal of a Charles Band joint full of pygmy dinosaurs?  Prehysteria! is right up my alley.  As a kid, I was a dino freak, so I don't know how my childhood subsisted without taking in at least one of these things.  I used "pygmy" as a modifier, but truth be told, this is simply a story about miniature dinosaurs that hatch in Jerry's basement.  Haven't we all hatched in Jerry's basement at one point or another?  So Jerry is played by Austin O'Brien.  This was his first major role.  He later starred in Last Action Hero, which I can't believe I haven't seen (love the soundtrack, though).  I'm skittering off-topic.  The miniature dinosaurs!  They're adorable.  We have a class clown Tyrannosaurus Rex, a moody Brachiosaurus, a featureless Stegosaurus (he isn't given much of a personality), a hungry Chasmosaurus (basically, a generic Triceratops), and a flighty pterosaur (pun totally intended).

The special effects are outstanding.  Dino dudes practically jump off the screen through a spiffy combination of stop-motion and rod puppetry.  I realize that I'm focusing on the technical aspects of Prehysteria!, but there is an inviting story being told here.  As can be expected, we see a greasy antagonist get his comeuppance.  Tony Longo is instantly recognizable as a "big lug" type.  He's one of those character actors that pops up in dozens of movies, most of them family-friendly affairs.  Speaking of which, this is something that you can watch with anyone.  I don't review many films that fall into that category, so this was a nice change of pace.  Almost faultless, in fact.  I'm curious to see how the sequels fare.  Famous last words?  Random trivia!  Prehysteria! was the first Moonbeam production.  I'm going to try to collect them all on VHS.  A man should have priorities, shouldn't he?

Don't bury the lede...

So they barely mentioned it on Raw, but my favorite tag team of all time is headed for the WWE Hall of Fame...finally!  Yes, I'm here to remind you that Ax and Smash (and maybe even Crush?) of Demolition will be receiving the honors.  Man, they scared the bejeezus out of me when I was four years old.  Don't believe anyone who tries to sell them as "diet Legion of Doom."  Put some respect on their name!

Blood Capsule #373

SLEEPSTALKER (1995)

Sleepstalker was directed by Turi Meyer.  Apparently, this bloke would go on to helm Candyman: Day of the Dead, one of the most disappointing sequels in horror history.  On principle alone, that should color my opinion of this flick, but I'll approach it with objectivity anyway.  Actually, this is a decent supernatural slasher.  I know I said I was being objective, buuut 1995 happens to be my year of choice when it comes to pop culture nostalgia (I've probably said that elsewhere).  There were no trends to follow in '95, which resulted in a motley grab bag of horrors.  Sleepstalker attempts to turn The Sandman into a steely spook icon.  We start with a prologue.  9-year-old Griffin watches as a serial killer dispatches his parents and scatters sand over their eyelids.  Griffin would be the next victim in line, but police arrive in time to slap handcuffs on the gimmicky baddie.  Fifteen years later, The Sandman is finally on death row.  He must have rented Shocker because he finds a way to stalk Griffin from beyond the grave.

NOTE TO SELF: Revisit Shocker.  At any rate, the script proposes some voodoo malarkey.  We end up with a villain made of sand.  Okay, that's fine.  Without divulging spoilers, there are a few significant plot holes that harshed my mellow.  I'll say that...well, I'll say nothing.  The Sandman himself is a cool villain, although I could do without the typical nursery rhyme dialogue.  The pacing feels reserved.  I didn't realize that Sleepstalker ran for over 100 minutes, but yeah, it's a tad bloated.  Still, it's worth my endorsement.  For the most part, the characters have their wits about them.  Maybe I just enjoy something that was created in a very, very different vacuum.  Let's face it; this film would not fare well in the modern zeitgeist.  Hell, folks weren't particularly fond of it in 1995.  Recommended to fans of Shocker (shocker!) and that one Metallica song that I never need to hear again.

Blood Capsule #372

HORRORVISION (2001)

Remember Feardotcom?  It was stupid, right?  Well, Horrorvision makes Feardotcom look like The Seventh Seal.  God, this movie is terrible.  First of all, I'm only writing one paragraph about this hydraulic press vasectomy (I have no idea how that would work, by the way; I'm feeling my way through this).  Life is too short.  I guess I should get the synopsis out of the way.  Logging onto Horrorvision will zap you into another dimension.  My advice for the characters of this passion play?  Don't log onto Horrorvision.  Problem solved, crisis averted.  Unfortunately, our lead dweeb loses his girlfriend to this...thing.  We do see a cool robot monster in the last ten minutes, but by that point, I was choking on sand.  Oh, the main players drive around the desert for what feels like three hours.  Here is what I don't get.  Horrorvision was co-written by J.R. Bookwalter, a guy who has crafted some magnificent z-grade cheese (I'm particularly fond of 1995's The Sandman).  Maybe he was sick when he contributed to this quandary.

Okay, I'll start a new paragraph to say that Maggie Rose Fleck is a little too talented to be in this motion picture.  She plays the aforementioned girlfriend.  I liked her, but of course, she dies in the first act.  Why couldn't I die in the first act?  Horrorvision gets one Z'Dar.  That's a half-Z'Dar for Maggie and a half-Z'Dar for the robot monster.  Get me out of this review.