Blood Capsule #399

DEVIL'S EXPRESS (1976)

I've written close to four-hundred Blood Capsules, so forgive me if I repeat myself.  I feel like I've said this on numerous occasions, but...did this movie really happen?  I don't know anyone who has seen it.  The star, a would-be blaxploitation luminary named Warhawk Tanzania, only worked on one other project before leaving the business.  Um, co-writer/director Barry Rosen later produced Highlander (the TV series).  Genre?  Martial arts with an underground monster.  That's a new thing, I've just decided.  I don't really know where to begin, which worries me, as I've already begun.  Ol' Warhawk plays Luke, something of a hero in his ghetto.  He's very similar to Snoop Dogg's character in Bones.  Does that help?  Anyway, Luke takes a furlough to China with Rodan.  I'll give you a minute to read that sentence again.  Luke's best friend is simply named Rodan.  No last name.  Alright.  It's unclear why they are in China, but while there, Rodan absconds with a medallion.  I need a drink and a paragraph break.

So this gemstone is somehow tied to a demon.  The demon lurks in New York City's railway system, claiming victims in between random fight scenes.  And I do mean random.  It's almost as if the cast is reacting to a crew member - just off-screen - lifting a sign that reads "FIGHT!" in bold letters.  Mid-conversation?  Doesn't matter.  The sign has been lifted.  Devil's Express is also known as Gang Wars.  Neither title tells you the whole story, but it could be argued that the script doesn't tell you the whole story.  I dug the demon.  It should be noted that this isn't quite a spookshow until the subterranean finale.  The question is, did I enjoy Devil's Express?  I think so!  There is a bit of an identity crisis here, and the plot never truly commits to a main protagonist.  In my mind, however, I keep going back to "martial arts with an underground monster."  I have to recommend this flick, don't I?  Believe it or not, there is an official Blu-ray release.  Region-free.  Have at it.

Blood Capsule #398

SYNGENOR (1990)

It only took nine months, but I'm finally getting around to this quasi-sequel.  Let me catch you up to speed.  1980's Scared to Death was a mediocre feature with an outstanding creature.  Producers liked the creature design so much, in fact, that they wanted to use it in a separate movie.  You could call this a "follow-up," but it's not a true sequel.  Here, our monsters (yes, there is more than one now) are weaponized for the battlefield.  The scientist spearheading the project?  Carter Brown, as portrayed by David Gale of Re-Animator fame.  So here's the thing.  I saw Syngenor twenty-five, maybe thirty years ago.  My memories are bleary, and if you had asked me for my opinion last week, I would have told you that it was forgettable.  Because I had forgotten it.  Good Lord, I'm glad you didn't ask me last week.  Gale's performance is...I'm combing through my grey matter for the right word...it doesn't exist.  The dude is positively unhinged.  Most fans would probably describe his turn in Re-Animator as over-the-top.  Syngenor clears that hurdle without breaking a sweat.

Gale nearly upstages the monsters, which is saying something.  These are nasty-looking varmints, and under the right lighting, they strike a balance between creepy and plain ol' awesome.  Speaking as a freak for practical special effects, seeing the titular bio-mutants bombard soldiers and secretaries lit me up like a Christmas tree.  I'm talking about pure joy, ladies and gentlemen.  There is a caveat.  Outside of David Gale and the SYNthetic GENetic ORGanisms, Syngenor is standard fare.  It's lunchbox horror, but I don't think I need to tell you that I collect lunchboxes.  Okay, I only own three.  It matters none.  You should go out of your way to watch David Gale go out of his mind.  Frankly, the first-class creature suits are the gratuity.  That makes director George Elanjian Jr. a gracious tipper.  Thank your waiter.  Wait, how did I get stuck with the bill???

Recommended to fans of The Guyver (why not?) and Scared to Death, I guess.

Blood Capsule #397

THE PEOPLE ACROSS THE LAKE (1988)

Sometimes, I think my friends see me as this impenetrable oracle of arcane horror knowledge, as I'm always talking about movies that no soul has seen.  The truth is less interesting.  Case in point, The People Across the Lake...I found it from flipping around on Tubi.  In a sense, I'm no different from any other nerd who inadvertently uncovers a rare gem.  I won't say that this flick is a hidden masterpiece.  There are blemishes, and I'll get to them in a minute, but it's a fine time at the cinema.  Correction!  It's a fine time in front of the tube.  Lake was made for television (it might have premiered on the USA Network).  Gerald McRaney stars as a businessman looking to escape the rigors of city life.  Naturally, that means he's uprooting the family and heading for lakefront property.  This is basically a "cabin in the woods" movie without a cabin.  The locals seem skittish.  You can probably figure out where this is going.  Bodies begin to surface in the nearby lake, and before you know it, you're watching an exceedingly dark episode of Major Dad.

This is a surprisingly bleak affair.  It's directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman with a stillness.  By that I mean, you can expect to find a lot of slow pans and fluid camera movements.  It's a notch above standard TV, in my opinion.  The mystery angle is orchestrated to perfection.  Unfortunately, the mystery has to be solved at some point.  The third act doesn't quite live up to the preceding hour.  There should be another twist or two.  The teenaged daughter is played by Tammy Lauren.  You may not recognize that name, but for me, she was the main draw.  She is the heroine of Wishmaster, one of the greatest films on God's green earth.  If you don't dig Wishmaster, we can't be friends.  Straight up.  Anyway, she's great.  Is she still active?  Why am I asking you?  I need to bring this capsule home.  The People Across the Lake is not on Blu-ray, so if you want to check it out (and you do), you'll have to stream it.  Good thing it's 2026, huh?

4!

Only four reviews left!  Can you believe it???

Blood Capsule #396

DRACULA (1979)

Ever find yourself in a position where you can't decide on a movie to watch?  Watch Dracula.  Any Dracula.  It's a safe bet.  This is the only major studio Dracula picture that I had not seen in its entirety.  It's a little more amorous than I was expecting, but the all-star cast coupled with the blustery atmosphere won me over.  Normally, this is where I would pitch to a synopsis, but it's Dracula.  Tonally, it felt like Werner Herzog's Nosferatu at times.  The opening credits want you to know that this Dracula is based on the 1931 iteration and the stage play.  It hardly seems necessary to make such a claim, given that the story doesn't take any unexpected detours.  I mean, there is no shadowy soliloquy delivered by the Count.  I'll level with you; I just really wanted to use the word "soliloquy."  How does Frank Langella fare as our vampiest of vampires?  He plays him with decorum.  I do prefer the Christopher Lee approach (all fangs), but there is nothing wrong with the performance.

Donald Pleasance is fun to watch as Dr. Seward, though it's a missed opportunity not unleashing him as Van Helsing.  Apparently, that was his decision.  Laurence Olivier handles the role of the vampire hunter with care.  Missed opportunity or not, I enjoyed the meat of Dracula.  The art direction is superb.  The cut I watched comes equipped with muted colors, an inspired choice by director John Badham (the theatrical cut looks a bit different).  Everything has a Universal flair.  Perhaps I'm stating the obvious, as this is a Universal property.  I'm awarding an extra half-Z'Dar for the multiplicity of bats.  Bats are cool.  I might rank 1979's Dracula above the garish 1992 version.  Is that a hot take?  I admit there is a Keanu Reeves-shaped hole in the script.  But that could be said of any film that doesn't star Keanu Reeves.

Blood Capsule #395

PREDATOR: BADLANDS (2025)

Out of all my friends, I was the only one who had yet to see this movie.  I had a good reason, mind you.  Um, I didn't want to pay for a Hulu subscription.  Thanks to Disney Plus, I'm all out of excuses.  I'm not complaining.  I loved Predator: Badlands.  Expectations are a strange thing.  Most people I knew came away from the film with positive takes, but I was still cautious.  Could the Yautja withstand babyface treatment?  I'm sorry, I'm using wrestling jargon.  A babyface is a good guy.  Personally, I don't know many good guys who will rip out your spinal column at a moment's notice.  And yet, it makes sense for Dek (our main Yautja) to be the protagonist within the context of the plot.  He must prove himself to be a strong warrior and opts to travel to a "death planet" to retrieve his trophy.  That being, the skull of the fearsome Kalisk.  Along the way, he meets the upper half of an android played by Elle Fanning.  Other stuff happens, but if you want a blow-by-blow breakdown of the script, I urge you to...read the script.

I'm running low on Blood Capsules, so I have to be picky when I settle on something to review.  I honestly didn't think I would dig Badlands enough to write about it, but man, I had a blast watching a Yautja essentially play an open-world video game for 107 minutes.  Even the side quests are entertaining.  At first, I wasn't sold on the dynamic between Dek and Thia (the android), but it eventually clicked into place.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss R-rated gore.  This is definitely the wholesome alternative for people getting into the shared Alien/Predator universe.  It's not like 2022's Prey was a grindhouse experience.  If I had to rank them, I'd say that Predator: Badlands is the most accomplished entry since Predator 2.  I wouldn't mind seeing a horror-leaning sequel going forward.  For the record, I also enjoyed Predator: Killer of Killers.

Blood Capsule #394

HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS (1970)

Somewhat famously, this is a pastiche of other works.  Director Al Adamson was a big fan of a Filipino horror film, so he bought the rights to it.  And he released it through his boutique Blu-ray label?  No, he chopped it up and shot footage around it.  Can you imagine if this was still a common practice?  I guess it beats a lousy remake.  Anyway, Horror of the Blood Monsters is miserable.  It's a unique kind of misery, though.  On paper, I should have had a blast with a cheap flick that flaunts crab ghouls, oodles of vampires, bat-winged cave trolls, and John Carradine.  As with the bulk of pictures made toward the end of Carradine's career, you can't really tell if it was filmed before or after his death.  Hold onto something because this is the second consecutive review where I pull out a Spookies reference.  Hey, it's warranted.  Spookies is a cut-and-paste job, but it's edited in such a way that it feels halfway cohesive.  Blood Monsters is...um, what's an antonym for "cohesive"?  It's that.  It's really, really that.

A lifeless battle between warring neanderthal tribes is rudely interrupted by a sex scene in which a couple is somehow governed by chromatic cycles of Christmas lights.  How is that an actual sentence that I just typed?  Better question; how is this an actual movie that I watched?  Despite the fact that things do happen in Blood Monsters, it's a frustratingly dull sit.  What a waste of a great title.  Do I have anything else to add?  Nope.  I did catch a well-crafted sci-fi/horror nugget last night.  I would have reviewed it, but I don't have much to say about it.  It's called Sputnik.  You can check it out on Shudder.  See, it's good, whereas Horror of the Blood Monsters is bad.  My job here is done.

Blood Capsule #393

INVASION OF THE MINDBENDERS (1987)

I'm a man of culture.  What does that mean?  It means that one of my favorite movies of all time is Spookies.  If I could remember my Letterboxd password, it would make my top four.  Easily.  I've defended it on numerous occasions, and I've even defended its (co-)director.  I'm referring to Genie Joseph.  I have long held the belief that Genie is the unsung hero of the Spookies story.  If she wasn't such an inept filmmaker, I don't think the film would have become...what it has become.  On a sidenote, if you're lost, and you haven't apprised yourself of Spookies, get on it.  My devotion to Spookies led me to Invasion of the Mindbenders, one of the few other credits on Genie's resume.  It was made after Spookies, so you'd think there would be a visible uptick in production cost.  Not necessarily.  Dear God, not necessarily.  For most of the running time, the film functions as a teen comedy.  In the eleventh hour, it decides to try its hand at science fiction.

So imagine Disturbing Behavior if it wasn't an actual movie.  There is some semblance of a "mind control" plot, but basically, the kids at Whatever High start acting funny.  The main characters realize that by playing melodic tones over the PA, the principal has been instituting a behavioral modification thingamabob to elicit obedience from his students.  Oh, and there's an alien.  Mindbenders is a chore.  It's not cute, it's not charming, and it's not well-directed (italicized for dramatic effect).  What did I expect?  How about special effects?  There are none until the closing frames.  By that point, I was ready to toss my VCR into the street.  What's worse, everyone - I mean everyone - in front of the camera screams their dialogue at seemingly random intervals.  They just scream.  Maybe it's supposed to be ironic.  Ugh.  I won't say that I regret buying Invasion of the Mindbenders because it's nice to have as a Spookies fan.  Who am I kidding?  I totally regret it. It's horrible.  Horrible.

Progress report?

I won't post here every time I write a review, but I wanted you folks (yes, you folks) to know that I just finished my write-up of Friday the 13th.  You're going to want to read it.  I'll check in with another progress report in a couple weeks.  Oh boy!

Blood Capsule #392

THE WEREWOLF OF WASHINGTON (1973)

This is as close to politics as I'll ever be as a writer.  I want nothing to do with it.  In fact, politics are such a turn-off, I may have subconsciously avoided this flick for years because of the premise alone.  Maybe that's silly (it certainly feels silly to type), but that's where we are.  I'm glad that I swallowed my pride long enough to imbibe The Werewolf of Washington, as it turned out to be a delight.  I've seen it referenced as a spoof.  That's a misnomer, dear reader.  This is horror that takes itself seriously.  It would be more accurate to say that the script is leavened with sharp punches of comedy that never threaten to outstrip or overwhelm the core of the matter.  What is the core of the matter?  Dean Stockwell plays Jack Whittier, the Press Secretary of the White House who also (full) moonlights as the President's speechwriter.  While on assignment in Europe, he is accosted by gypsies and bitten by a sand shark.  Just kidding...gotta make sure you're paying attention.  He's bitten by a quadrupedal werewolf.  Obviously, that complicates his standing in life.  It really complicates the end of this paragraph.

Jack pursues a romance with the President's daughter.  Can he safeguard her well-being, or will he simply tear through her security detail?  The dialogue is full of little quips and barbs.  I liked Jack's response to being warned about the grave implications of a pentagram ("So the Pentagon is behind it, huh?").  Plus, Dean Stockwell is capable as our lead.  As for the look of the lycanthrope, The Werewolf of Washington goes old school.  I love a monster in a suit and tie.  You can enjoy this film as a political satire (there are many allusions to Watergate, which was a fresh wound at the time), but clearly, I was watching from a different vantage point.  Whether it was an advantage or a disadvantage, well, it's hard to say.  On second thought, it's easy to say.  I had fun with The Werewolf of Washington.  It salvaged a lazy Sunday for me, so I'll give it a full-throated recommendation.  If I sound like I'm howling, I'm not trying to be cute.

I lied.  I'm trying to be cute.

Blood Capsule #391

COOL WORLD (1992)

This isn't really a horror film, but it does fall within the parameters of "dark fantasy."  Honestly, I was just in a 90's mood.  I recently watched Ralph Bakshi's Fire and Ice, and it made me anxious to call up this curiosity.  Cool World was originally conceived as a horror ditty.  In the end, it metamorphosed into a darker strain of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?  That includes a sultry sexpot that gives Jessica Rabbit a run for her money.  If you'll pardon the pun, the rules and machinations of our 2D/3D blended universe are a bit inky.  A mad scientist in the "cool world" finds the nexus of reality whereupon doodles (cartoons) can cross over into the brick-and-mortar dimension and interact with noids (humans).  Brad Pitt plays Frank, a motorcycle enthusiast who is zapped to the "cool world" when he is involved in a deadly collision.  Cut to fifty years later.  Frank has adjusted to life amongst the doodles.  Everything is stable until an imprisoned artist taps into the toonscape and threatens life on Earth by copulating with the come-hither Holly Would.

You don't have sex with cartoons.  Everyone knows that.  Why, it's practically the proverb that anchors my existence.  The question is, does Cool World manage to marry live action with wacky animation?  For the most part, yeah.  Many of the backgrounds are downright ugly (too many bells and whistles, sometimes literally), but for 1992, the special effects are adequate.  The storyline attempts to juggle two main characters.  I liked Pitt, although Gabriel Byrne is hit-and-miss as Jack Deebs.  How did he gain access to art supplies in prison?  Needless to say, there are a few questions in desperate need of answers.  That hardly matters.  Cool World serves up a steady ration of screwball entertainment that doesn't do much to earn its PG-13 rating.  8-year-old Dom would have had a field day with it.  Recommended to fans of Kim Basinger in her prime.  I had a crush on her thanks to 1989's Batman.  Good Lord, this flick would have sent me over the edge.

Pairs well with Evil Toons.

Blood Capsule #390

BLOOD & DONUTS (1995)

I had a double cheeseburger earlier, and it's not sitting well with me.  I only mention it because...well, I didn't know how to start this review.  My rule of thumb for situations like these is to state whatever is on my mind.  Thinking about donuts isn't helping matters, I can tell you that.  Blood & Donuts is a Canadian horror/comedy hybrid with a quirky personality.  Its status as an obscure genre film from the mid-90's makes me want to dig it more than I do.  Let's get the plot out of the way.  An errant golf ball awakens a vampire from his self-imposed dormancy.  Must be a light sleeper.  We don't learn too much about him, but we do see him befriend a cab driver in between falling in love with a waitress and scaring off a few gangsters.  That's the synopsis in a nutshell.  Helene Clarkson plays Molly (the waitress), and I just found out that she was in an episode of The X-Files.  Huh.  Louis Ferreira plays Earl (the cab driver).  The script hinges on him being likeable, but um, he grated my nerves.

Gordon Currie is excellent as Boya, our bemused bloodsucker.  He brings a thousand shades to a character that could have been one-dimensional.  I do prefer more monstrous vampires, but a little variety never hurt anyone.  I wasn't sold on the comedic aspects of this flick.  Then again, I'm not sold on comedy in general.  Who are you to try and get me to laugh?  Mind your own business, man.  David Cronenberg cameos as a crime boss.  Blood & Donuts couldn't be any more Canadian if Boya sucked maple syrup directly from a tree.  Almost 4 Z'Dars.  I was entertained.  Again, I want to sing praises from the rooftops, but you'll never get my wheelchair on a roof.  Also, this isn't my favorite relic from 1995.  The double cheeseburger was from McDonald's, by the way.  No mustard.  My stomach hates me like vampires hate sunlight.

My book-exclusive reviews will be...

I really want you to buy my second book when it comes out.  To make it a little more enticing, I'm going to throw in extra reviews that you won't be able to read online.  I wrote exclusives for the first book, but those were eventually published on this very website.  These upcoming reviews will NEVER see the light of day outside of the second book.  So what will I be reviewing?  How about the entire Friday the 13th franchise???  Yes, that includes Freddy vs. Jason and the remake.  Believe it or not, I've never written about these movies in any capacity.  I might have posted an informal assessment of Freddy vs. Jason on a message board when it came out, but that was eons ago.

Now if you'll excuse me, there is a certain box set that I've been impatiently waiting to crack open.  I'll post progress reports from time to time, so stay tuned!

Blood Capsule #389

SEA FEVER (2019)

So this one was tucked away in Shudder's list of supposed "creature features."  At first glance, it seems like a modern day variant of Deepstar Six or even The Abyss.  In truth, it's a bit more than that.  And less.  Wow, I'm doing a swell job of describing it so far.  You know what sucks about writing reviews of movies that I genuinely like?  Take Sea Fever, for example.  I have to tell you everything about it without telling you anything about it.  Basically, you're going to have to trust me.  Have I steered you wrong before?  Aside from that time when I steered you wrong?  A "sea fever" is a real malady that can befall sailors or anyone who has been out at sea for awhile.  Typically, it doesn't involve aqua parasites, though.  Full transparency!  I have a color bias.  No, I'm not racist; my favorite color is turquoise, so our maritime menace is cosmetically pleasing.  Now is a good time to mention that the underwater photography is absolutely stunning.  Hats off to director Neasa Hardiman for capturing the pulchritude of the ocean while still keeping it spooky.

Sea Fever's secret weapon?  Dependable acting.  It's worth noting that this is an Irish production.  You may need subtitles to catch all of the dialogue, as accents tend to be heavier than anchors.  Hermione Corfield delivers a focused performance as the somewhat somber Siobhan.  It's always helpful if your main protagonist is likeable.  Apparently, Toni Collette was slated to join the cast, but scheduling issues meant that the character of Freya would be played by Connie Nielsen.  The whole troupe is game.  I just realized that I haven't provided you with a synopsis.  All you need to know is that a fishing trawler runs afoul of a...I want to type "sea monster," but that's a little misleading.  Here's something that isn't misleading - the first half of Sea Fever borrows liberally from Alien's playbook.  I'm thinking of a certain scene in particular.  Of course, I shouldn't reveal too much.  This is an engrossing film that you'll want to discover on your own.  Strongly recommended to fans of 2020's Underwater and bioluminescent phytoplankton.  And juniper berries.  Don't forget juniper berries.

Blood Capsule #388

BEWARE! THE BLOB (1972)

The 1988 remake of The Blob is awesome.  But you already knew that.  The 1958 original is regarded as a classic, and while I do enjoy it, I don't think I'm creating controversy by saying it's a bit rigid.  Then we have Beware! The Blob, which is usually tagged as a "horror comedy."  You can tell that some of the dialogue is riffed by the veteran ensemble, a multifarious congregation assembled by director...Larry Hagman?  Yes, that Larry Hagman.  This is his only feature-length credit from behind the camera.  Seems odd.  Then again, I feel like I say that about everything I review.  We don't see a meteorite fall from the heavens.  Our amorphous assailant is already contained as a frozen specimen from the North Pole.  This is where Beware's status as a sequel is called into question.  Later on, a character is seen watching The Blob on television.  So this is the Halloween III: Season of the Witch of the Blob continuity.  At any rate, the rest of the plot writes itself.

I had fun with this little flick.  It could be argued that it goes through the motions, but don't certain things have to happen here?  I mean, it's Beware! the Blob.  The special effects aren't nearly as dismal as one would expect.  The tone is lightweight.  All of the action leads to a rambunctious climax at a bowling alley.  Bowling is cool.  This is an easy 87 minutes that deserves to be appreciated at a drive-in theater.  Unfortunately, I had to settle for my bedroom, and I didn't even have any nachos.  Gerrit Graham has a small role as a partygoer in an ape suit.  I didn't recognize anyone else, aside from the red menace.  For my money, Beware! the Blob is the second best Blob movie on the block.  Now you know.

2

I have two more reviews to write before I begin work on the second book.  In a few days, I'll announce the book exclusives...that is, the reviews you'll only be able to find in the book.  A) I haven't written them yet.  B) They're a big deal.

Stay tuned!

Blood Capsule #387

THE COMPANION (1994)

A review on IMDb compared The Companion to an episode of The Outer Limits (the 90's version).  Yes.  Exactly.  I'm not even sure that I can describe this film any more accurately than that, but I'll try.  This time, the android is a mock human that you can purchase and reprogram to fit your needs.  Gillian is given a "companion" as a gift.  She names it (well, him) Jeffrey and takes him to a remote cabin where she intends to write her next smutty romance novel.  At first, the cybernetic steward acts as a butler.  He cleans, he chops wood, and he knows every Italian recipe under the sun.  The perfect mate?  Well, hold the phone.  He comes off a bit dry, so Gillian takes it upon herself to reprogram his sexuality.  She also enables an option known as "random data."  Big mistake.  It isn't long before Jeffrey is dispatching anyone he perceives to be a threat, and that includes minor nuisances.  He puts an axe (or some other tapered weapon) into the neighbor, a wormy louse played by the late Brion James.

The Companion was made for the USA Network.  That explains why I hadn't heard of it until scouring the web for any movie involving a cyborg.  You can tell it was sculpted for television, but you know what?  It's good.  Like, really good.  There's my critic quote for the Blu-ray release.  Bruce Greenwood is dialed in as the titular robo-dude.  He knows when to play Jeffrey with humility and when to go into "mecha-mode."  Kathryn Harrold is superb as the heroine, even if her decision-making skills are, shall we say, questionable.  Taking the limits of the medium into consideration, the death sequences are lacking...teeth?  The Companion could definitely use an R rating, but that's a paltry charge.  This is the second best flick I watched for Random Robot Month next to...am I really going to mention Evolver again?  Sorry, it was tubular.  The Companion is tubular in its own way.  Director Gary Fleder later helmed Kiss the Girls, which I might revisit tonight.*

*I don't know why I added the asterisk.  Should I leave it?  Yeah, I'll leave it.

Blood Capsule #386

CLASS OF 1999 (1990)

I must claim ignorance.  I haven't seen the punk-centric Class of 1984.  As far as I can tell, it doesn't have anything to do with battle droids, so I'm okay with missing out on it.  I'm sure it's a dandy picture, but this is Random Robot Month.  Priorities and all that.  Class of 1999 is an amalgamation of The Terminator and Higher Learning.  We're in the future again.  Public schools have become infested with rival gangs and all of the violence associated with rival gangs.  To stem the tide, the government issues cyborg teachers to America's most turbulent high schools unbeknownst to the students.  We settle on Seattle's Kennedy High, which is flagged as a "free-fire zone."  Essentially, cops are taken out of the equation.  Three bots are sent to restore order, two of them being Pam Grier and John Ryan (the father from It's Alive, of all people).  Our warring factions are The Razorheads and The Blackhearts, but of course, both sides find a common foe in the new faculty members.

Bradley Gregg is acceptable as the main character, I guess.  He's supposed to be the tough guy.  I don't know.  I mean, I could probably take him.  Joshua John Miller plays his little brother, and if you're looking for a random bit of trivia, he wrote 2015's The Final Girls (an awesome slasher, that).  At the end of the day, the antagonists are more interesting than the protagonists.  Case in point, Stacy Keach has loads of fun as an albino mad scientist with a killer mullet.  He deserves a spinoff sequel.  This flick is never brilliant, but it's never boring either.  The third act is brimming with explosions and sweet robot gore.  I have no problem recommending Class of 1999 to fans of the films I already mentioned.  And mechanical pencils.  Don't forget mechanical pencils.  Class of 1999 II: The Substitute came out in 1994.  It stars Sasha Mitchell (a.k.a. Cody from Step by Step).  I'm putting it on my list of movies to check out...at some point.  Maybe.

YouTubin'

Click HERE.  That is all.

Blood Capsule #385

M3GAN (2022)

So I'm just now seeing this flick.  It may not flaunt a novel premise, but it feels painfully relevant in an era where I could have AI write this review if I wanted.  Don't worry; these are my words.  Does it bother you that I could easily be lying?  Because it bothers me.  That's the conceit of M3GAN.  Technology has officially become creepy.  There is no video game involved, but M3GAN does for the modern day what Evolver did for 1995.  It combines the "killer doll" agency of 1991's Dolly Dearest with the technophobia that galvanized 1993's Ghost in the Machine.  Now that I've gotten 90's references out of my system, let's jump into a synopsis.  On second thought, I probably don't need to recapitulate the plot to you.  Obviously, a little girl befriends the Megan prototype.  Mom - the engineer behind the project - gets suspicious when the nextdoor neighbor's dog goes missing.  Eventually, Megan pushes a kid into oncoming traffic, but the movie is smart about how the stakes are raised.

In Evolver, the corporate types were portrayed in a realistic light.  Here, the bigwigs are more conventionally composed, but in their defense, they don't realize that Megan is on the blink until it's too late.  Just like Evolver, M3GAN wraps a slick thriller around the nuts and bolts of its script.  I don't mean to keep comparing the two, but Evolver set the bar ridiculously high.  That's my problem, though.  I enjoyed this viewing experience anyway.  I'm sure that the film has something meaningful to say about robotics and the fact that AI is a potential source of unrest for many, but it also works on a superficial scale.  I look forward to turning my brain off with M3GAN 2.0 at some point down the road.  Do we have a new horror icon on our hands?  Hmm, the jury is still out, but I'm all for M3GAN merchandising opportunities.  Are we sure that Charles Band didn't serve as executive producer?  I guess we'll know if M3GAN 4 and 5 are shot simultaneously in Romania.*

*I'm pretty sure that Puppet Master 4 and 5 were shot in California, but that's not as funny.

Blood Capsule #384

THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME (1979)

While this isn't much of a "killer robot" flick (although we do see a roving band of diabolical automatons), it's worth mentioning as a "waste of Jack Palance" flick.  You didn't realize that was a subgenre, did you?  Here, he is the de facto despotic leader of Delta 3, a distant planet in something that tries to pass itself off as an H.G. Wells adaptation.  In reality, The Shape of Things to Come has very little in common with its supposed source.  We're knee-deep in the future.  Earth has successfully colonized the moon, but we are dependent upon a radiation drug for survival.  Unfortunately, the drug can only be found on Delta 3.  How are there humans on Delta 3?  No, I'm asking.  The script casually mentions this other planet that seems to be habitable.  I'm thinking too much.  Palance would make for a grand villain, but he only pops up for the first and last fifteen minutes.  The in-between focuses on Starstreak, a rogue spaceship that hasn't been tested.  I feel like I'm hemorrhaging readers.  I don't blame you.

Wrestling is on in the background.  I'm waiting to see the AEW Women's Championship match between Thekla and Thunder Rosa.  Thekla is cool.  She's way more interesting than The Shape of Things to Come.  Let's be honest; I'm in autopilot mode.  Oh, I forgot to mention that this is a Canadian film.  The budget is low, although the sets are quite stately.  The robots?  Mid.  The Shape of Things to Come came out in an era where audiences had acclimated to Star Wars standards.  As such, it feels desperately out of time.  Director George McCowan also helmed Frogs.  NOTE: I'm returning an hour later to tell you that Thekla won the match.  Yay!

Blood Capsule #383

EVOLVER (1995)

Ever heard of Evolver?  I'm guessing not.  I've never heard anyone make a passing reference to this flick, and if it wasn't for a back issue of Fangoria (never let anyone tell you that you can't live in the past), I wouldn't know about it either.  Imagine if you will that one of the killbots from Chopping Mall decided to embark on a solo career.  Now imagine this bot voiced by William H. Macy.  That almost sounds contrived, but I'm telling you, this thing exists.  So what is an Evolver?  It's a virtual reality game in beta mode.  Teenaged Kyle wins a contest and thus, wins the right to test Evolver in his own home.  Essentially, he and his friends play laser tag with an advanced robot that could be called a dummy run for Siri or Alexa.  Any 90's kid will tell you that the period between, say, '92 and '95 was rife with virtual reality mania.  As it relates to horror, it's practically a subgenre all its own.  Evolver starts with that kind of deliciously dated cheese.  I was instantly reminded of 1994's Brainscan, which has long been a favorite of mine.  But then...

...something happened.  Evolver evolved.  The film seriously shaped up and entertained the bejeezus out of me.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  Maybe the script used sleight of hand to lubricate the receptors in my brain.  Ethan Embry is likeable as a normal 16-year-old who is so invested in video games, he doesn't notice the obvious signs that a girl is crushing on him.  I was going to say "I've been there," but I was usually the one with the crush.  The pace?  You knew I was going to comment on it.  Everything glides along with a reserved urgency (???).  You're never too far away from a well-earned red herring or a wacky death sequence.  Evolver has a mean streak.  The stakes are high from the very beginning, as the storyline cleverly nudges Kyle's little sister into danger.  There is a capitalistic corporation involved, and I was ready to deal with those tropes, but amazingly, the bigwigs in the film are the first folks to kibosh the project.  They actually react in a realistic way.  Go figure.

I could easily write a few more paragraphs.  I realize that we're not even halfway through Random Robot Month, but this is definitely the hit of the bunch.  5 Z'Dars?  Why not?  By the way, I'm pretty sure that Evolver is on DVD, but you can also watch it on Tubi.  Check it out pronto.

Lunacy, huh?

Click HERE to watch me rant about JCW.  It's not...good.

Blood Capsule #382

TARGET EARTH (1954)

Here we have a film that more people should know about.  See, this is why I do what I do.  I don't know why Target Earth has been condemned to obscurity, but if you'll just hand me that shovel over there, I'll dig it up and praise its peculiarities accordingly.  Our story begins with a woman waking to find that her city of residence (Chicago, if I'm not mistaken) has been evacuated.  Later, we learn that she was never supposed to regain consciousness at all.  She tried to overdose on sleeping pills, which adds dramatic weight to her character.  It's a sidenote, but I thought it was a nice touch on screenwriter James H. Nicholson's part.  Random trivia!  Nicholson later co-founded American International Pictures with Samuel Z. Arkoff.  Okay, I have seriously derailed myself.  It happens.  Anyway, the woman eventually finds a few other folks who were left behind.  Is it the end of the world?  While I wouldn't describe this landscape as post-apocalyptic, it's certainly a grim situation made all the more grim by the presence of...giant robots!

We never find out where they came from, though a levelheaded Richard Denning posits that they most likely arrived from Venus.  It's a full-scale invasion, but we only ever see one robot.  It's a testament to Target Earth that the atmosphere is wrought with unease.  We don't need to see the rest of the world in chaos; we feel it.  Of course, I'm me, so I loved the robot action.  As far as robots go, it's no Gort from The Day the Earth Stood Still, but it's charming nonetheless.  With a satisfying climax, everything is wrapped up in a breezy 75 minutes.  Given its early release in relation to other sci-fi blue chippers, I'm surprised that Target Earth doesn't command more respect from the nerd community at large.  As a nerd myself, I remain perplexed.  Definitely check it out.  I usually try to end with a stupid joke.  Nah, just check it out.