Blood Capsule #176

SANTA'S SLAY (2005)

Happy Halloween!  That joke won't land as well in the future as it does now, but I could say the same thing about Santa's Slay.  Actually, this boisterous slasher didn't make much sense in 2005.  "Dead teenager" flicks were antiquated relics by this point.  An iniquity of antiquity?  If it had been released just five years earlier, I guess I could rationalize its existence.  It matters not.  Bill Goldberg stars as Santa.  In this film's universe, the righteous roly-poly is a demon.  You see, he lost a bet (in a game of curling, of all things), and as such, he must give presents to children on the 25th of December every year.  Apparently, this bet is subject to a statute of limitations, which has expired.  Paragraph break!

Santa reverts back to his impish ways.  For the record, that includes impaling idiots with fireplace pokers and stealing kisses from strippers.  I will say, the basic premise is novel.  The minutiae of the backstory is relayed in a darling little stop-motion sequence.  It's most fetching.  The rest of Santa's Slay?  Comme ci, comme ca.  That's French for "not so good," and it's the only French I remember from high school.  I knew it would come in handy someday.  On the bright-ish side, the body count is high, the fake boob count is higher, and everything is resolved in a tidy 78 minutes.  You can't ask for much more, really, though I would have liked to see Santaberg hit a jackhammer on Chris Kattan.  That's a wrestling move, for those of you scratching your head right now.

Recommended to fans of WCW Thunder and the third act of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.

Blood Capsule #175

TROG (1970)

Coincidentally, this feature was co-written by Peter Bryan, the scribe responsible for The Blood Beast Terror.  I didn't know that going in, and I usually try to select titles from different eras in filmmaking, but this was a happy accident.  Trog is wonky.  I dig wonky.  A mortified Joan Crawford stars as a scientist who stumbles into the discovery of a barbaric cave dweller (seen above being forced to watch Mildred Pierce).  The anthropoid protohuman is named Trog - shorthand for troglodyte.  It seems responsive to domestication, but gradually, it becomes impossible to tame.  As you might have guessed, a number of innocent lives are lost.  Trog abducts a child at one point in a scene that evokes James Whale's Frankenstein.

Fret not; the child is spared, although several interchangeable characters do meet an abrupt, sanguinary demise.  I was impressed with Trog's mean streak.  It's rooted in esoteric science fiction, so the script is always in danger of slipping into "blah" territory.  Crawford hits her marks.  Of course, she would later claim to be embarrassed by the role.  I doubt very seriously that her bank account blushed.  Director Freddie Francis keeps the pace cracking.  He was a busy man in the 60's and 70's, having helmed such genre treasures as The Skull, Torture Garden, and Legend of the Werewolf.  Trog is a jolly, agreeable addition to his resume.  The climax is disappointing, but for the most part, I enjoyed my time with it.  FACTOID: According to IMDb, this was the top film at the box office in its first week of release.

Blood Capsule #174

THE BLOOD BEAST TERROR (1969)

Only serious film buffs know about this Tigon cheapie.  I say that because as of a few weeks ago, I had never heard of it.  How is that possible???  It stars Peter Cushing, my second favorite actor of all time (behind Vincent Price).  This cult curiosity is in my wheelhouse for other reasons.  As I mentioned above, it was churned out by Tigon, long considered to be the gooseberry of British horror production houses.  It was no Hammer, or even Amicus, but the diminutive studio managed to amass an impressive catalog.  Does Witchfinder General ring any bells?  This picture could have been called The Mothwoman Prophecies.  I'll restrain myself from unloading my bottomless haversack of Richard Gere jokes.  You can thank me later.

Cushing appears as a Scotland Yard detective investigating a rash of deaths in the bucolic countryside near London.  The culprit?  Ignoring the red herrings, we are confronted with the killer head-on.  A scientist has spawned a genetic mutation posing as his daughter.  She turns into a bipedal moth creature seemingly at will.  A were-moth, if you will.  As far as drive-in cheese goes, the nuts and bolts of this scenario are lovingly bonkers.  The suspense is regrettably low, as we know what's happening well before the characters get a clue.  Still, I was entertained throughout.  I wish we had seen more of the monster suit, which looks better than you might expect.  Cushing reportedly considered The Blood Beast Terror to be one of his worst gigs.  I beg to differ.

Blood Capsule #173

THE MUNSTERS' SCARY LITTLE CHRISTMAS (1996)

I'm not a fan of Christmas (I know, big surprise), but I was looking forward to this jingle-jangle jestcapade.  It's one of the very, very few Random Review subjects that my mom would like.  And so, I watched it with my mom.  We both love The Munsters, but I think I can speak for her when I say that we approached this made-for-TV lark with a healthy providence.  To be specific, we weren't sure about the casting choices.  Here Come the Munsters was made the year before, and apparently, the main players from that movie were set to reprise their roles here.  Alas, contractual negotiations broke down, so we are left with an ostensibly inadequate lot of thespians.  I wouldn't know, as I've only seen Scary Little Christmas.

The story is weak.  The family spends 90 minutes trying to cheer Eddie up, which would barely function as a 30-minute sitcom premise.  One thing is for certain; no one...and I mean, no one will ever top Fred Gwynne.  Perennial "that guy" actor Sam McMurray gives it the old college try, but his voice just doesn't sound right.  On the other end of the spectrum, Ann Magnuson nails her portrayal of Lily Munster.  Everything from her mannerisms to her dulcet tones are letter-perfect.  There are some lively gags.  Strangely, the comedy suffers when it tries to appeal to adults.  For instance, I don't know why Santa's elves needed to be libertines.  But The Munsters' Scary Little Christmas could be worse.  It could be directed by Rob Zombie.  Zing!

Blood Capsule #172

THE GUYVER 2: DARK HERO (1994)

I have a clause written into my "7 in 7" contract* that states my holiday-fueled spate of reviews must include a sequel of some sort.  Otherwise, I probably would have covered the first Guyver film, which I prefer.  This sleek follow-up is by no means substandard, but it's marred by a lack of tokusatsu action (relative to the original, that is) and David Gale.  In fact, I can barely remember the villains in Dark Hero.  Picking up where The Guyver left off, Sean (our biomech-infused superhero) investigates an archeological dig that has resulted in the discovery of cave drawings.  These primeval images might be related to the things he keeps seeing in his dreams.  Meanwhile, there are new Zoanoid sightings in the mountains of Utah.  What are Zoanoids?

You really need to see The Guyver, but basically, it has something to do with a spaceship and the development of droid armor that is to be used in intergalactic warfare.  If the premise sounds like a loopy comic book, that's because it was based on a manga of the same name.  Seemingly, Dark Hero is the fan favorite, but again, I champion its 1991 predecessor.  It has more personality, and yes, (slightly) more monsters.  It goes without saying that the special effects are still extraordinary.  I've been running on low batteries as of late, so I admit to succumbing to the 127-minute running time on one or two occasions.  If the bloat doesn't bother you, definitely give this flick a watch.

*Signed in stage blood.

Blood Capsule #171

DAUGHTER OF DR. JEKYLL (1957)

In a pulpy prologue, a snaggletooth fiend (pictured above) regales us with the story of Robert Louis Stevenson's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  It's a bizarre meta-moment, as we are told that it was a work of fiction.  Stranger still, the heinous Hyde is referred to as a "human werewolf."  Daughter of Dr. Jekyll works as a Universal horror greatest hits compilation, and I'm chalking it up as a pleasant surprise.  Here, the monster can only be killed with a stake to the heart.  Yeah, wires are crossed, but that's okay.  I'm in love with all of the barmy tropes that get tossed around.  The actual storyline is fairly straightforward.  A woman inherits a Gothic estate and discovers that her father was Count Chocula.

This flick has the fearful villagers of Frankenstein, the omnipresent full moon of The Wolf Man, and the penetrating social commentary of Bordello of Blood.  That was a joke.  Director Edgar G. Ulmer has fun playing with shadows.  I had fun watching John Agar do his thing.  For your information, "his thing" involved sleepwalking as the straight man in dozens of kaleidoscopic b-pictures.  You may recognize him from Invisible Invaders, Attack of the Puppet People, Revenge of the Creature, and/or Bordello of Blood.  That was a joke.  On the whole, Daughter of Dr. Jekyll is all kinds of awesome.  I can't believe that I've never heard anyone mention it, but then again, I don't hang with the cool kids.

Blood Capsule #170

DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984)

Horror hounds neglect to mention this remedial slasher when listing off Christmas-themed titles, which I should have seen as a stern warning.  Perhaps I deserved this movie.  Oh, I'm being melodramatic, but it's actually not too dusty.  Don't feels like a British interpretation of a giallo, right down to its whodunit angle and its black-gloved killer.  Director Edward Purdom also nails the sleazy, disreputable atmosphere that smacks of second-tier Argento.  As for the holiday-pitched plot, an unseen screwjob is bumping off a wide variety of men dressed as Santa Claus in urban London.  On second thought, the victims aren't exactly diversified.  Most of them are whiskey-whiffed cretins looking to wallow in the mire, so to speak.

What I'm trying to say is that prostitutes are involved.  Aren't they always?  Sometimes, the prostitutes are cute and spunky, as in the case of Sherry (Kelly Baker credited as an "experience girl").  She's the only character that I could tolerate, so of course, we don't meet her until the halfway point.  Everyone else is either an insipid detective or a flavorless suspect.  On the upside, the kills are prohibitively nasty.  If I didn't know any better, I'd wager that the gruesome effects shots were concocted by Tom Savini.  Don't Open Till Christmas gets a passing grade, though it doesn't aim very high.  And what's with the goofy ending?  I'm tempted to spoil it, but mere words wouldn't do it justice.  Ho-humbug.

Now Playing

Manitou - Entrance

This column is supposed to consist of music that I've been indulging in lately, but to be honest, I've been listening to lots of stuff over the past couple of months.  I can't tell you why I decided to write about this album in particular.  All I know is that it rules.  So Manitou was a progressive heavy metal band that formed in the mid-80's.  They were extremely Norwegian.  And I suppose they still are, but in any event, the line-up on this record boasted the talents of vocalist Oyvind Haegeland.  Power-prog scholars may recognize that name, as he contributed vocals to the sole release by crackerjack tech-mages Spiral Architect.  For your information, he also spends time in Terra Odium.  Both killer acts, in this writer's opinion.

Just like Spiral Architect, Manitou recorded one full-length before dissolving into nerd vapor.  The year was 1995, and man, it took entirely too long for me to discover this thing.  It won't sway anyone who doesn't listen to prog on a semi-regular basis.  The songs are as proggy as prog can be, what with the shortest composition clocking in at just under six minutes.  Standouts?  I'm loving the crestfallen leads of "The Forlorn" and the diagonal hooks of "Shadowhunt."  Mind you, I could use those very same adjectives to describe each track.  It's best to listen to everything on offer.

Entrance is begging for a re-release.  I want to own a physical copy, but the cheapest CD on Discogs will drain anywhere from thirty to forty bucks from my bank account, including shipping.  Normally, I wouldn't pay that much for tunes, but I might have to break down at some point.

Revenge - Strike.Smother.Dehumanize

War metal is an acquired taste.  In fact, I don't care for most of it, so I'm dipping outside my purview.  If Manitou is the soundtrack for a quiet night of reading (and it has been, in my case), Revenge is the soundtrack for a not-so-quiet night of raping and pillaging.  If you need a frame of reference, try to imagine bestial, crust-adjacent blackened thrash being played by werewolves.  Oh, and the werewolves are full-blown heroin addicts.  I can't say that songs such as "Oath Violator" and "Lightning Mythos" have much replay value.  However, they scratch the itch when I'm in the mood for something feral.  At the very least, I can hear the riffs, which is impressive for this subgenre.  It's a small victory, but I'll take it.

Happy Merry

So wait, Monday is a big day?  Oh, right.  How could I forget?  My "7 in 7" review series for Christmas starts on the 25th.  It may be a federal holiday of some sort, but that would be irresponsible conjecture on my part.  In other news, I think I'll post a new edition of Now Playing on Saturday.  When the new year kicks in, I'll be ready to take a break.  But not for too long!  2024 will prove to be an epic year for the site.  Just you wait!

And the Dommy goes to...

I typed "Academy Award in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV" into an AI image generator and this is the insanity I was given.  I've threatened the universe with the possibility of the Dommy Awards before, but since everyone is in the mood to recap 2023, I thought I'd hand out the most prestigious Dommy award I could dream up...best film of the year!  That I've reviewed!  I tallied them up, and apparently, I wrote 52 film reviews this year, including Blood Capsules.  The movie that left the deepest impression would be...

...When Evil Lurks!  Godzilla Minus One did come awfully close, but in the end, demonic possession won out over kaiju carnage.  It was an honor to be nominated, I'm sure.  Click HERE to read my review of this year's winner.  And give me ideas for more categories!

Best Metal Albums of 2023

Isn't that a cute little image?  Here are some 2023 releases that didn't spring to mind until after I created my cute little image.  We'll call them honorable mentions...

Horrendous - Ontological Mysterium) Knotty death metal with a progressive edge.  If my list was ranked by number of listens, this probably would have cracked the top 10.

Fires in the Distance - Air Not Meant For Us) I already wrote about this one.  Click HERE.

Vinsta - Freiweitn) Folk metal that could pass for vintage Opeth.  Based out of Austria.

Wolves in the Throne Room - Crypt of Ancestral Knowledge) An utterly fantastic EP.  These guys can do no wrong, in my book.

Dream Unending/Worm - Starpath) Easily my favorite split of the year, though I concede I haven't explored as many as I would have liked.  This is immense death/doom.  The DU tracks have a jazzy bent, whereas the Worm tracks are cloaked in blackened shades.

And now the top 10...

1. Alkaloid - Numen) Click HERE.

2. Dying Fetus - Make Them Beg for Death) I know this album doesn't contain any innovation on the part of this veteran brutal death metal unit, but there's nothing wrong with that.  The songs are killer.  John Gallagher knows his strengths, which is more than I can say for other indentured musicians.

3. Mournful Congregation - The Exuviae of Gods Part II) I'm actually listening to this EP as I type.  And normally, I wouldn't include EPs, but it's almost 40 minutes long.  Here again, we have a band that can do no wrong.  They make funeral doom so toothsome, so heartrendingly beautiful, it appeals to people who don't dig on funeral doom.  While I'm on the subject, I'll mention that Ahab also put out a strong contender.

4. Blackbraid - Blackbraid II) Not a terribly popular pick, but I don't care.  It's one of the finest atmospheric black metal offerings I've encountered in several harvest moons.

5. Shores of Null - The Loss of Beauty) Click HERE.

6. Drowning the Light - Haunter of the Deep) Unique lo-fi black metal from a dude who is prolific as all hell.  I think he cut another record since I started writing this piece.

7. Lamp of Murmuur - Saturnian Bloodstorm) This may be a case of Immortal worship, but that doesn't change the fact that I keep coming back to it.  "Conqueror Beyond the Frenzied Fog" might be my song of the year.

8. Katatonia - Sky Void of Stars) In the past twelve months, Katatonia has become one of my most cherished bands.  I'm partial to their entire discography.  I wasn't crazy about this one at first, but it's grown on me quite a bit.  "Author," for instance, is just too cool.

9. Outer Heaven - Infinite Psychic Depths) Gross, hawkish death metal dyed with a tincture of hardcore.  The riffs are dead serious.

10. Enslaved - Heimdal) In retrospect, I have reservations about this entry.  It's excellent, but pretend I switched it out with Starpath.

Random Match Alert

First, let me just say that this match is terrible.  Please enjoy.  Secondly, how epic was Monday Night Raw last night?  The storylines are so rich up and down the card, you forget that Roman Reigns hasn't been on television in, what, a month?  Good grief.

My next post will be my Top 10 Metal Albums of 2023.  You can expect to see it either tomorrow or Thursday.  That is all.

A mini-announcement...

Since it seemed to go over well for Halloween, I'm bringing back my "7 in 7" review series for Christmas.  If you're not privy, that's seven Blood Capsules in seven days.  The fun starts on the 25th, and yes, I'll be covering some Christmas horror films (three, to be exact).  Be there!  Or not!

Godzilla Minus One

Are Godzilla fans being spoiled right now or what?  The seismic trailer for Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire dropped yesterday, Monarch: Legacy of Monsters is currently streaming on Apple TV+ (I'd be all over it if I wasn't already subscribed to a million services), and of course, we have been gifted Godzilla Minus One, which stands as Toho's contribution to all of this kaiju commotion.  It seems I'm a bit late to the party, as all I can do is parrot the obvious.  This movie is epic!  I'll be honest.  I questioned the need for yet another origin story.  And the fact that the film is a period piece is hardly novel, despite the promotional material playing up the historic setting.  However, I was rewarded for coming in cautious.

If you don't know, Minus One starts in post-war Japan.  We follow Shikishima, a kamikaze pilot who sheepishly bails on his delegated assignment.  He reports back that his plane is faulty, but we know the truth.  That's just the tip of the iceberg as it relates to internal character dialogue, by the way.  There is a lot going on here, and I'm sharp enough to know that I didn't catch everything that bubbled beneath the surface.  But this isn't a thesis paper, so I'll pass on a commentary breakdown.  The rudiments of the plot find Shikishima burdened with the responsibility of supporting a homeless woman and the orphan under her employ.  He works as a minesweeper, a vocation that has very little to do with the computer game, as it turns out.  Talk about a culture shock.

Suddenly, a giant monster goes on a rampage.  Rough transition, huh?  It's actually more subtle than a paragraph break allows.  Director Takashi Yamazaki strikes a healthy balance between quiet exposition and combustible action.  When the expletive does hit the fan, watch out.  Dude, these are some serious scenes of destruction.  I'm talking incendiary demolition on a massive scale.  When the building-smashing violence is supported by Akira Ifukube's classic score, Minus One goes into kill mode.  If you're a kaiju nerd and you don't see this thing on the big screen, you have failed at life.  It's that simple.

I won't anatomize each individual performance, but suffice to say, the acting is superlative.  These characters are three-dimensional people who win your sympathy.  As for Godzilla, he looks awesome.  No silly complaints.  Speaking of which, I don't have complaints of any real merit.  Sure, Godzilla Minus One feels like it's two hours long, but guess what?  It's two hours long!  This is the most substantial kaiju spectacle since 2001's Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack.  FACTOID: Yamazaki cites GMK as his favorite Godzilla movie.  Very interesting!

    

The Sob Story

Y'know, for only $3 a month, you could brighten the holidays for a special little boy.  And he's crippled, if you need a sob story.  Who is this special cripple, you may ask?  Who knows???  But he has a Patreon account, this particular cripple.  The minimum tier is only $3, so if you were wondering how you could support the site, that's a start.  Be a pal.  Hey, have I mentioned that this little boy is, like, super crippled?

I see YouTubers billboarding their Patreons all of the time, and I don't know why my case would be any diff...er, if this was about me.  But it's about some random cripple.  Man, he's so crippled.

And the winner is...

Congratulations to Aaron Patton!  You've won a $50 Amazon gift card amongst other random goodies I'll be sending your way...!  Thanks to all who entered!