Parts Unknown #113: Saturday Morning Slam

I was randomly awake this morning and happened to catch Saturday Morning Slam.  There was only one real match and not much else, so I'm going to use this column as an animadversion on the current landscape of the WWE.  The show opened with immaterial backstage footage setting up Jey Uso versus Darren Young.  If you haven't been keeping tabs on Slam, it has its own general manager now.  Why?  Beats me.  Whatever the reason, Mick Foley is the grand poobah.  I can't tell if that's a demotion or a way to show courtesy to an elder statesman by creating a role for him.  I don't think Mick cares.  The people still pop for him, even though most of the attendees probably don't remember his wild-eyed run as Cactus Jack.

Hell, his pre-debut vignettes as Mankind would scare the fuck out of today's "WWE Universe."  For better or worse, he seems content to play the lovable oaf.  Anyway, the singles match ends in a disqualification.  Mick's entrance riff impregnates the auditorium as he pulls a Teddy Long and makes it a tag team match, playa.  I distinctly recall reading the results for this episode a few weeks ago.  They knew when it would air, so I'm praying to several disparate gods that The Uso's will see television time in the near future.  Rikishi's pups picked up a clean win.  The contest was tendered a solid 10-15 minutes, and believe it or not, the crowd was into it.  They responded to the comedic spots, made noise for the hot tag and gave The Primetime Players well-deserved heat.

I say they deserved heat because they're good heels.  They antagonize the marks at just the right junctures.  I wasn't sold on Darren Young during his Nexus days, but I'm beginning to warm up to John Cena's spray-tanned doppelganger.  You can tell that he's having fun out there.  I want PTP to succeed, but my Uso's are due for a push.  They have quietly aggregated a string of victories, which should...should be a positive sign.  The Shield are next in line for the tag titles, and that's cool.  They'll need a long reign.  That should...should give creative enough of a headstart to build The Uso's up as the top babyface team.  It sounds implausible, I know.  We're talking months, though.  If I'm being honest, I wouldn't be opposed to The Shield surpassing Demolition's record-setting reign.

That's a wrap on Saturday Morning Slam.  I genuinely believe that Raw is going to be miserable until CM Punk's inevitable return.  Where the hell is the star power?  If the part-timers aren't willing to be full-timers, that leaves Cena and...yeah.  We'll be watching a lot of Sheamus/Orton/Del Rio matches in May and June.  They're proficient workers, sure, but they're goddamn boring.  As much as I dig Ziggler, he's nowhere near the bright lights.  The Big Show?  Jack Swagger?  Kofi Kingston?  More wrestlers I like, but again, they're boring.  Luckily, I have a solution.  Vince has to find a way to book The Undertaker and Dean Ambrose into every match.  Problem solved!

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