Now Playing #22

A-Z - A2Z²

This is a progressive metal supergroup of sorts.  Are supergroups passé?  If so, don't tell A-Z.  These guys crush Velvet Revolver anyway.  So this project's moniker is derived from the names of the vocalist and the drummer, respectively.  Fates Warning frontman Ray Alder takes the microphone, while Mark Zonder (formerly of Fates Warning and Warlord, I believe) sits behind the kit.  I sound like a complete moron when I try to talk about drumming.  Likewise, it's my suspicion that most metal journalists wouldn't know a hi-hat from a bowler hat, but for what it's worth, Zonder's work here is exceptional.  Personally, I was hooked because of Alder's involvement.  I just love the guy's voice.  If you listen to "I Am Numb" or "A Wordless Prison," he sounds younger than his years suggest.  If you're not into prog, you probably won't dig this stuff, although the songwriting prioritizes earworm melodies over herky-jerky time signatures.

Of course, some of A2Z² is herky-jerky.  It comes with the territory.  I would be remiss if I didn't mention the contributions of guitarist Nick van Dyke (see Retribution, which also boasted the talents of Ray Alder).  The guitar solos are virtuosic without being Yngwie-able, if you catch my drift.  This record is exceedingly listenable.  What does that mean?  It means I've listened to it quite a bit, and I wish that "Fire Away" was played at every sports stadium.  It would drastically improve a seventh inning stretch.

Darkthrone - Under a Funeral Moon

Ordinarily, I would attempt to spotlight an obscure band that doesn't darken your browser that often, but what can I say?  I'm on a(nother) Darkthrone kick.  By this point in 1993, everyone's favorite Scandinavian hobgoblins had settled on black metal as their main vocation.  Any and all traces of death metal had been flushed from their kidneys.  Or mountain oysters, if you prefer.  Maybe I'm mistaken, but it seems as if Under a Funeral Moon gets brushed aside, at least where Darkthrone's 90's output is concerned.  That could be a miscalculation on my part.  Either way, it goes hard.  Check out the massive breakdown that bisects "Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust."  So tasty.  And I love the cacophonous leads that crop up here and there.  The production is obviously abrasive, but from where I'm sitting, it never becomes too strident.  You can still hear the riffs.

The riffs, man.  "To Walk the Infernal Fields" is chock-full of them.  That's probably my favorite track, but ask me tomorrow, and I might go with closer "Crossing the Triangle of Flames."  I bet it's a scalene triangle.  Shapes are pretty metal.

Blood Capsule #312

SCARED TO DEATH (1980)

Recently on Facebook, I posed a challenge to my like-minded peers.  Feel free to play along.  Name a great monster in a not-so-great movie.  There are endless options, and I received some excellent answers (like the hideous sun demon in - you guessed it - The Hideous Sun Demon), but I did have a movie in mind.  I first encountered Scared to Death at our local video store in the late 90's.  Cool cover, although I never took the bait.  And while I'm sure I could stream it somewhere, I insisted on grabbing a grubby, begrimed VHS copy for the purposes of this review.  It just felt right.  Could I see every detail during scenes set in the sewer system?  No.  Hell, I couldn't see every detail when the action was in broad daylight.  That's not the point!  The point is...um, give me a second.  The monster in this flick is swell, so swell that producers bankrolled a quasi-sequel just so they could use the monster in a subjectively "better" setting.  The result was Syngenor, a term used here.  It stands for SYNthetic GENetic ORganism.  I might review Syngenor, but hey, one thing at a time.

So Scared to Death (not to be confused with the 1947 thriller of the same name starring Bela Lugosi and George Zucco).  The upside?  I've used the word "monster" eighty-seven times in an effort to delineate the appeal of this creature feature.  The suit has an H.R. Giger vibe to it, and man, it cuts an imposing silhouette.  The downside?  Scared to Death will bore you to death.  Trivial moments drag on and on for no actual reason.  An illustration, if I may...instead of simply showing us a hospital, we have to see the main character write a note explaining that he's heading to the hospital.  And then we see the hospital.  Guess what?  Nothing happens at the hospital.  It's a frustrating situation, mainly because director William Malone is seriously talented.  There are red arrows in Scared to Death that point to a top-shelf spookshow.  Unfortunately, the viewer is denied access to such a spookshow.  I forgot to write a synopsis.  Um, a laboratory experiment does what laboratory experiments do in these budget pictures.  The plot reminded me of The Kindred.

Watch The Kindred.

Iron Supplements #1

CREMATORY

I don't remember how I clicked onto this band, but they were the impetus for this column.  I'm sure that the members of Crematory are super proud and stuff.  So what we have here is gothic doom metal from Germany.  I'm currently blasting the 1993 debut (Transmigration, pictured above) through my earbuds, and I have to say, I really dig it.  It's not too dissimilar from what Paradise Lost were doing in the early 90's.  Maybe the keyboards are a little more pronounced.  And how about that album cover?  Seemingly, Crematory lost interest in plodding death metal as they ripened.  They would soon espouse electronic music, which, erm, no thanks?  They did release an album earlier this year, but there are no reviews for it yet.  If you decide to check it out, be sure to report back.

Dude, the riffs on "Hall of Torment" are astoundingly heavy.  Yeah, I'd call the maiden voyage for this column a success.  Crematory ruled...at one point anyway.

Blood Capsule #311

COLOSSAL (2016)

It's time to switch things up a bit.  I don't remember seeing any advertisements for Colossal upon its release.  If I had, it's a safe bet that I would have checked it out.  On the surface, it's a romantic comedy starring Anne Hathaway and Jason Sudeikis.  Boring "normie" stuff, right?  Well, hold on a second.  The trailer - should you ever watch it - reveals an inner core, a creamy nougat center contrived to placate kaiju fans.  Yes, kaiju.  Colossal falls somewhere in between Cloverfield and...name a modern romantic comedy.  Hathaway plays Gloria, an alcoholic struggling to scrape by after breaking up with her boyfriend.  She finds a new social circle (along with a new job tending bar), but right as her life begins to approach normalcy, a disaster hits South Korea.  To be specific, a monster hits South Korea.  A giant monster.  Gloria inundates herself with news updates, both online and on television.  Everyone does, but for whatever reason, she's an empath when it comes to South Korea.  I'll be honest; it could use some explaining.

There is a twist.  And it's the crux of the trailer, so I wouldn't call it a spoiler.  Gloria walks home from work every night, and as she nears her house, she crosses a desolate playground.  Every move she makes on this playground is mimicked by the monster in South Korea.  If she falls down, the monster falls down.  If she scratches her head, the monster...et cetera, et cetera.  Cool concept, no?  The characters are reasonably fleshed out, so you want to see how they handle such an extraordinary situation.  I was on board for most of the running time until the last leg where one of the main players turns heel, to use wrestling jargon.  It seems out of step for this person to act and react the way they do.  Everyone else comes off as natural, which compounds the problem.  I can only say so much, as I'm trying to circumvent actual spoilers.  I can, however, comment on the monster.  It's a 100% digital creation, but I dug the smooth design.  We also get a giant robot.  So there's that.  Obviously, this isn't strictly a horror film, but I think it will appeal to nerdy genre enthusiasts (ask me how I know).

Rasslin'

Good Lord.  That main event was so over-the-top ridiculous, I liked it.  I'm not proud of the fact that I watched so much wrestling yesterday, but I am proud of the fact that I didn't pay for any of it.  That's a win, no matter how you slice it.  And yet, I have more wrestling in my near future.  Evolution starts soon.  I know that it's going to be boring, but I can't help it.  Iyo Sky is in the main event.  I have to tune in, don't I?  I wish I had a witch friend who could manifest A.J. Lee into reality for me.  Witches can do that, right?  I'm asking too many questions for what is essentially filler.  Apologies.

I really don't like Nikki Bella.

Blood Capsule #310

DEEP SPACE (1988)

Not to be confused with 1991's Dead Space.  I was just telling a friend the other day that I am easily entertained.  It really doesn't take much to cajole me into writing a positive review of your work, even if you're Fred Olen Ray.  See, Fred understands this.  I'm sure he knows everything about me.  Aside from being omnipotent (???), he knows that I'll watch any and all Alien ripoffs.  I have to, folks.  And when it comes to these snow jobs, these peculating pieces of plagiarism, Deep Space is dependable.  In fact, it's on the level of Xtro 2: The Second Encounter, an Alien riff that holds a special place in my moth-eaten heart.  Charles Napier plays Ian McLemore, a no-nonsense cop who is on probation for being a no-nonsense cop.  Yeah, the action movie clichés are laid on thick.  His partner is just as tetchy.  Normally, the sidekick is a token goofball, so I actually appreciated this dude.  Unfortunately, he does happen to be the token black guy, so he doesn't stick around very long.

What about the monster?  Does it look like a xenomorph?  You bet!  Since we never see its legs when it's ambulatory, I'm thinking that they only built a torso.  That's fine by me.  Deep Space was afforded a reputable budget for a Fred Olen Ray joint (this was probably his biggest project yet), but I wasn't expecting aerodynamic special effects.  We get a couple of car chases, an occasional explosion...y'know, the usual.  The second act is sluggish, but ol' Fred brings it home for the finale.  There should have been a "goop wrangler" listed in the credits.  An honorable mention goes out to this flick's version of a facehugger.  Good stuff.  If I had to interject with a complaint, the subplot with the psychic isn't terribly interesting.  I almost completely forgot that it existed.  Nevertheless, if you're looking for a hassle-free cheese dish, Deep Space might be for you.  At the very least, it's notable for being an Alien ripoff that takes place in the suburbs.  Yippee?

Random Album Alert

Click HERE to check out a fresh batch of tunes by Drawn and Quartered.  I was just listening to it while polishing off a review for Random Werewolf Month.  Speaking of which, August is going to be sick.  Also sick?  Meat-and-potatoes death metal, which is what this album delivers.  I don't know if it's going to be on anyone's year-end list, but my ears are telling me that it's cool.

Blood Capsule #309

BOG (1979)

Fishman alert!  I actually borrowed Bog on VHS from a friend years ago and never watched it.  The film now comes to me via a secret, mystical repository of psychotronic delights (Tubi).  A word on our fishman - though it is gilled, I'm not sold on its status as a fish.  Or a man.  All we learn about the boggy critter is that it has been awakened from a deep slumber.  It may be prehistoric?  As for the monster's motivation, bulbous eyes reveal an august, unmitigated passion for life and all of the mysteries of the universe.  And breeding.  Don't forget breeding.  A cluster of eggs is supposed to leave the door open for a sequel, but let me back up a bit.  Aldo Ray plays a sheriff who must contend with a pile of dead fishermen.  Naturally, we meet a pair of scientist types, and this is where Bog gets its...idiosyncrasies.  That's a rather generous word choice on my part, but I believe this movie has its heart in the right place.  Fiftysomething Ginny begins a crusty romance with sixtysomething Brad.  Paragraph!

Break!  For some unholy reason, Bog makes it a point to focus on their relationship.  They are depicted as smitten teenagers, which is cute at first.  Then we're treated to an uncomfortably long makeout session.  I can't seem to identify the target audience here.  Regardless, Brad and Ginny anchor the script, so I hope you're in the mood for freebase hanky-panky at the retirement home.  Thankfully, Bog resides in PG waters.  Dodged a bullet there.  While I can say that this flick is entertaining, you need to consider the source.  This is my kind of mess.  Still, out of all of the "fishman" follies that I've been lucky enough to catch, this one offers the least amount of creature suit chicanery.  We don't get an eyeful of anything interesting until well after the hour mark.  Bog does receive partial credit for featuring a swamp witch.  So there is that.  Recommended to fans of Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake and the episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche beds a mudskipper.

Random Match Alert

I haven't actually watched this match yet, but I know it's worth sharing.  Diesel vs. Waylon Mercy...enjoy!

McKay's haul!

So I've been a fortunate dude lately.  Maybe I did good deeds in a past life.  Whatever the case, I was in a unique position today where I had a little cash to blow.  I don't say this to brag.  God knows, I'm not bragging.  Things have simply been going well for me.  So well, in fact, I almost feel guilty about it.  I know I shouldn't, but when you're inundated with tragic stories on the news (NOTE TO SELF: Stop watching the news!), you realize how lucky you are.  Maybe this was an unnecessary preamble.  Oblige me, as I wanted to write it anyway.  Because...

...I bought a lot of crap at McKay's.  If you're not familiar, McKay's is the last bastion for physical media.  There might be others, but this one is somewhat local to me.  Well, it's a couple hours.  That's what transportation is for.  It's worth the drive, though.  I went with one of my best friends (thanks, Bobby!) and we had a blast.  First up, check out the movies I bought.  I couldn't believe they actually had VHS to spare.  Not much, mind you.  Yes, I'll be reviewing some of these, either here or on Patreon.  Click to enlarge.

Next, wrestling stuff!

And finally, reading material.  The X-Files book was only a buck.

Not pictured: Yes, there is more.  I grabbed some King's X (Dogman) and Depeche Mode (Songs of Faith and Devotion) on CD.  And a bag of plastic eyeballs.  Why did I buy a bag of plastic eyeballs?  Here's how I see it; the last time you went to a store, why DIDN'T you buy a bag of plastic eyeballs?  Hmm?

Blood Capsule #308

THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN (1957)

On the surface, this film doesn't seem very interesting.  Giants are a hit/miss proposition, but in the capable hands of Bert I. Gordon (that's Mr. B.I.G. to you), this becomes a stark prophylactic that warns us on the dangers of plutonium bombs.  Okay, maybe "stark" isn't the right word.  The Amazing Colossal Man is certainly more affecting than expected.  Glenn Langan turns in a well-mannered performance as Lt. Col. Manning, a serviceman who risks radiation barbecue to save a downed pilot.  He accrues third-degree burns on 95% of his body, but amazingly, new skin cells emerge that wipe out any trace of injury.  Before you send him a cordial greeting card, you should know that just 48 hours after removing his bandages, he grows eighteen feet.  Something about the pituitary gland?  I'm a bit of an expert on Robert Wadlow, the tallest man in recorded medical history.  With boots on, he topped out at nine feet.  I'm familiar with some of the science behind gigantism, so I know that Manning's case is hogwash.  In fact, you might compare it to a bull's fecal deposits.  However!

Despite also being an expert on, um, bull deposits, I had fun watching The Amazing Colossal Man.  It gets pretty dark.  Mind you, it's nowhere near as dark as Johnny Got His Gun, but that didn't stop me from humming Metallica riffs during scenes where our conflicted hero flashes back to his courtship with Carol, an agreeable blonde played by Cathy Downs.  I recognized her from The She-Creature (same girl, different hair color).  The pace is swift.  Writer/director Gordon was adept at spinning tales of stupefying science fiction.  This might be his best effort all told, although I still need to see Satan's Princess and Picture Mommy Dead.  There is a sequel, 1958's War of the Colossal Beast.  I might try to catch it if I stage another Random Sequel Month.  As for this flick, you should check it out if you're a fan of kaiju-sized monsters.  As for Robert Wadlow, I've always wanted to write a biopic for the silver screen.  But who to tag for the lead role?  Is Phil Fondacaro still active?

Rassle Inn #55

The second season of WWE LFG just started (a few weeks after the first season ended).  Is anyone else watching this show?  I'm genuinely curious.  If you're not privy, it's a competition-based reality show that reminds me of The Voice.  I only know how The Voice works because my mom is obsessed with it, but basically, celebrities form teams of hopefuls and they "duke it out."  Replace singing with wrestling.  Same thing.  The Legends are Bubba Ray Dudley, Booker T, Michelle McCool (having supplanted Mickie James), and of course, The Undertaker.  I'll withhold my comments about the term "legend."  I think it's pretty obvious what is happening here.  Yes, The Undertaker is a legend, but ehhhh...

If this show were a shoot, it would be more interesting.  For some reason, they have to fabricate feuds between the rookies.  I would love to see actual training footage.  Plus, it's so rare to see the guys and gals putting matches together, that alone would be an intriguing concept.  But as it stands, it's pretty vanilla.  And they're doing that annoying thing where the winner is obviously NOT the one with the most potential.  If you've been watching, you know that Tyra Mae Steele shouldn't have gone over, so to speak.  I've seen some of the rookies concurrently compete on Evolve, WWE's c-show that streams on Tubi.  So who knows what the plan is going forward?

I described LFG as "vanilla."  That's where we are right now with respect to WWE's main roster.  There are people I like, but geez, why are the shows so boring?  Am I supposed to be looking forward to the Goldberg match? John Cena's heel turn has been a partial success, but they don't seem to know where it's going.  Now, I'm sure they know where it's going, but unless he retires as a heel (which isn't happening), something isn't clicking.  I wished that CM Punk won the title in Saudi Arabia.  That would shake things up, but then again, I keep wishing for A.J. Lee to return.  Speaking of the women's division, Evolution looks lackadaisical.  Again, am I supposed to be looking forward to a Nikki Bella match?

So there you have it.  A bunch of complaining.  That's going to be the title of this post on the Rassle Inn index page.

Blood Capsule #307

PROJECT VIPER (2002)

There is a car chase in Project Viper where a character is being pursued by a helicopter.  I thought it looked pretty upscale for a Jim Wynorski joint, and after doing some research, I found that I was correct.  Apparently, the footage was lifted from Species.  Why Species?  No earthly idea, but man, I can't get that movie out of my hair.  Ol' Jim was aiming at the moon with this sci-fi dive bomb.  Ostensibly, it was made for the tube (Syfy Channel, I'm assuming), but instances of heavy profanity say otherwise.  I don't actually know why this b-venture was produced or where it was supposed to premiere.  I do know that it's not too shabby, all things considered.  The plot deals with a rocketship to Mars.  Ground communication is disrupted by an unseen force, and the astronauts are feared dead.  What happened???  Well, it may have something to do with Viper, an experimental bio-weapon comprised of human DNA and computer chips (because of course).  There are two prototypes.  One of them is in outer space, while the other has been stolen.

Can the FBI track Viper down before it releases...hmm, what should I call it?  The Temu Mind-Flayer?  That's a Stranger Things reference, but in all honesty, it looks like the aliens in Pitch Black, only larger and amorphous.  Hey, I wasn't asking much from Project Viper, and it met my expectations.  I just needed a teensy bit of action, moderate bloodshed, and plenty of quality time with the monster.  The CGI is so pitiful, that it makes a full revolution and becomes incredible.  I'm not fond of the phrase "so bad, it's good."  However, I concede that it describes this flick with punctilious precision.  Patrick Muldoon and Theresa Russell are solid as the lead experts (or whatever they are).  By that, I mean they don't look too embarrassed.  Again, I wasn't asking for much, so I don't feel guilty giving Project Viper my hearty endorsement.  Recommended to fans of the first ten minutes of Species II.