Blood Capsule #390

BLOOD & DONUTS (1995)

I had a double cheeseburger earlier, and it's not sitting well with me.  I only mention it because...well, I didn't know how to start this review.  My rule of thumb for situations like these is to state whatever is on my mind.  Thinking about donuts isn't helping matters, I can tell you that.  Blood & Donuts is a Canadian horror/comedy hybrid with a quirky personality.  Its status as an obscure genre film from the mid-90's makes me want to dig it more than I do.  Let's get the plot out of the way.  An errant golf ball awakens a vampire from his self-imposed dormancy.  Must be a light sleeper.  We don't learn too much about him, but we do see him befriend a cab driver in between falling in love with a waitress and scaring off a few gangsters.  That's the synopsis in a nutshell.  Helene Clarkson plays Molly (the waitress), and I just found out that she was in an episode of The X-Files.  Huh.  Louis Ferreira plays Earl (the cab driver).  The script hinges on him being likeable, but um, he grated my nerves.

Gordon Currie is excellent as Boya, our bemused bloodsucker.  He brings a thousand shades to a character that could have been one-dimensional.  I do prefer more monstrous vampires, but a little variety never hurt anyone.  I wasn't sold on the comedic aspects of this flick.  Then again, I'm not sold on comedy in general.  Who are you to try and get me to laugh?  Mind your own business, man.  David Cronenberg cameos as a crime boss.  Blood & Donuts couldn't be any more Canadian if Boya sucked maple syrup directly from a tree.  Almost 4 Z'Dars.  I was entertained.  Again, I want to sing praises from the rooftops, but you'll never get my wheelchair on a roof.  Also, this isn't my favorite relic from 1995.  The double cheeseburger was from McDonald's, by the way.  No mustard.  My stomach hates me like vampires hate sunlight.

My book-exclusive reviews will be...

I really want you to buy my second book when it comes out.  To make it a little more enticing, I'm going to throw in extra reviews that you won't be able to read online.  I wrote exclusives for the first book, but those were eventually published on this very website.  These upcoming reviews will NEVER see the light of day outside of the second book.  So what will I be reviewing?  How about the entire Friday the 13th franchise???  Yes, that includes Freddy vs. Jason and the remake.  Believe it or not, I've never written about these movies in any capacity.  I might have posted an informal assessment of Freddy vs. Jason on a message board when it came out, but that was eons ago.

Now if you'll excuse me, there is a certain box set that I've been impatiently waiting to crack open.  I'll post progress reports from time to time, so stay tuned!

Blood Capsule #389

SEA FEVER (2019)

So this one was tucked away in Shudder's list of supposed "creature features."  At first glance, it seems like a modern day variant of Deepstar Six or even The Abyss.  In truth, it's a bit more than that.  And less.  Wow, I'm doing a swell job of describing it so far.  You know what sucks about writing reviews of movies that I genuinely like?  Take Sea Fever, for example.  I have to tell you everything about it without telling you anything about it.  Basically, you're going to have to trust me.  Have I steered you wrong before?  Aside from that time when I steered you wrong?  A "sea fever" is a real malady that can befall sailors or anyone who has been out at sea for awhile.  Typically, it doesn't involve aqua parasites, though.  Full transparency!  I have a color bias.  No, I'm not racist; my favorite color is turquoise, so our maritime menace is cosmetically pleasing.  Now is a good time to mention that the underwater photography is absolutely stunning.  Hats off to director Neasa Hardiman for capturing the pulchritude of the ocean while still keeping it spooky.

Sea Fever's secret weapon?  Dependable acting.  It's worth noting that this is an Irish production.  You may need subtitles to catch all of the dialogue, as accents tend to be heavier than anchors.  Hermione Corfield delivers a focused performance as the somewhat somber Siobhan.  It's always helpful if your main protagonist is likeable.  Apparently, Toni Collette was slated to join the cast, but scheduling issues meant that the character of Freya would be played by Connie Nielsen.  The whole troupe is game.  I just realized that I haven't provided you with a synopsis.  All you need to know is that a fishing trawler runs afoul of a...I want to type "sea monster," but that's a little misleading.  Here's something that isn't misleading - the first half of Sea Fever borrows liberally from Alien's playbook.  I'm thinking of a certain scene in particular.  Of course, I shouldn't reveal too much.  This is an engrossing film that you'll want to discover on your own.  Strongly recommended to fans of 2020's Underwater and bioluminescent phytoplankton.  And juniper berries.  Don't forget juniper berries.

Blood Capsule #388

BEWARE! THE BLOB (1972)

The 1988 remake of The Blob is awesome.  But you already knew that.  The 1958 original is regarded as a classic, and while I do enjoy it, I don't think I'm creating controversy by saying it's a bit rigid.  Then we have Beware! The Blob, which is usually tagged as a "horror comedy."  You can tell that some of the dialogue is riffed by the veteran ensemble, a multifarious congregation assembled by director...Larry Hagman?  Yes, that Larry Hagman.  This is his only feature-length credit from behind the camera.  Seems odd.  Then again, I feel like I say that about everything I review.  We don't see a meteorite fall from the heavens.  Our amorphous assailant is already contained as a frozen specimen from the North Pole.  This is where Beware's status as a sequel is called into question.  Later on, a character is seen watching The Blob on television.  So this is the Halloween III: Season of the Witch of the Blob continuity.  At any rate, the rest of the plot writes itself.

I had fun with this little flick.  It could be argued that it goes through the motions, but don't certain things have to happen here?  I mean, it's Beware! the Blob.  The special effects aren't nearly as dismal as one would expect.  The tone is lightweight.  All of the action leads to a rambunctious climax at a bowling alley.  Bowling is cool.  This is an easy 87 minutes that deserves to be appreciated at a drive-in theater.  Unfortunately, I had to settle for my bedroom, and I didn't even have any nachos.  Gerrit Graham has a small role as a partygoer in an ape suit.  I didn't recognize anyone else, aside from the red menace.  For my money, Beware! the Blob is the second best Blob movie on the block.  Now you know.

2

I have two more reviews to write before I begin work on the second book.  In a few days, I'll announce the book exclusives...that is, the reviews you'll only be able to find in the book.  A) I haven't written them yet.  B) They're a big deal.

Stay tuned!

Blood Capsule #387

THE COMPANION (1994)

A review on IMDb compared The Companion to an episode of The Outer Limits (the 90's version).  Yes.  Exactly.  I'm not even sure that I can describe this film any more accurately than that, but I'll try.  This time, the android is a mock human that you can purchase and reprogram to fit your needs.  Gillian is given a "companion" as a gift.  She names it (well, him) Jeffrey and takes him to a remote cabin where she intends to write her next smutty romance novel.  At first, the cybernetic steward acts as a butler.  He cleans, he chops wood, and he knows every Italian recipe under the sun.  The perfect mate?  Well, hold the phone.  He comes off a bit dry, so Gillian takes it upon herself to reprogram his sexuality.  She also enables an option known as "random data."  Big mistake.  It isn't long before Jeffrey is dispatching anyone he perceives to be a threat, and that includes minor nuisances.  He puts an axe (or some other tapered weapon) into the neighbor, a wormy louse played by the late Brion James.

The Companion was made for the USA Network.  That explains why I hadn't heard of it until scouring the web for any movie involving a cyborg.  You can tell it was sculpted for television, but you know what?  It's good.  Like, really good.  There's my critic quote for the Blu-ray release.  Bruce Greenwood is dialed in as the titular robo-dude.  He knows when to play Jeffrey with humility and when to go into "mecha-mode."  Kathryn Harrold is superb as the heroine, even if her decision-making skills are, shall we say, questionable.  Taking the limits of the medium into consideration, the death sequences are lacking...teeth?  The Companion could definitely use an R rating, but that's a paltry charge.  This is the second best flick I watched for Random Robot Month next to...am I really going to mention Evolver again?  Sorry, it was tubular.  The Companion is tubular in its own way.  Director Gary Fleder later helmed Kiss the Girls, which I might revisit tonight.*

*I don't know why I added the asterisk.  Should I leave it?  Yeah, I'll leave it.

Blood Capsule #386

CLASS OF 1999 (1990)

I must claim ignorance.  I haven't seen the punk-centric Class of 1984.  As far as I can tell, it doesn't have anything to do with battle droids, so I'm okay with missing out on it.  I'm sure it's a dandy picture, but this is Random Robot Month.  Priorities and all that.  Class of 1999 is an amalgamation of The Terminator and Higher Learning.  We're in the future again.  Public schools have become infested with rival gangs and all of the violence associated with rival gangs.  To stem the tide, the government issues cyborg teachers to America's most turbulent high schools unbeknownst to the students.  We settle on Seattle's Kennedy High, which is flagged as a "free-fire zone."  Essentially, cops are taken out of the equation.  Three bots are sent to restore order, two of them being Pam Grier and John Ryan (the father from It's Alive, of all people).  Our warring factions are The Razorheads and The Blackhearts, but of course, both sides find a common foe in the new faculty members.

Bradley Gregg is acceptable as the main character, I guess.  He's supposed to be the tough guy.  I don't know.  I mean, I could probably take him.  Joshua John Miller plays his little brother, and if you're looking for a random bit of trivia, he wrote 2015's The Final Girls (an awesome slasher, that).  At the end of the day, the antagonists are more interesting than the protagonists.  Case in point, Stacy Keach has loads of fun as an albino mad scientist with a killer mullet.  He deserves a spinoff sequel.  This flick is never brilliant, but it's never boring either.  The third act is brimming with explosions and sweet robot gore.  I have no problem recommending Class of 1999 to fans of the films I already mentioned.  And mechanical pencils.  Don't forget mechanical pencils.  Class of 1999 II: The Substitute came out in 1994.  It stars Sasha Mitchell (a.k.a. Cody from Step by Step).  I'm putting it on my list of movies to check out...at some point.  Maybe.

YouTubin'

Click HERE.  That is all.