Blood Capsule #380

REPTILIAN (1999)

For years, I confused this flick with 1998's Gargantua.  An easy mistake, as both endeavors attempt to piggyback off of the fleeting success of Roland Emmerich's Godzilla.  I have a confession to make; I have a soft spot for 98's 'Zilla.  Can't help it.  I was 13 at the time, and I was on a voracious Godzilla kick.  Toys, movies, comic books...I had to have all of it.  It could be argued that I haven't matured since then.  Case in point, I was bound and determined to end Random Dinosaur Month with Reptilian.  And yes, it counts.  We open on an archeological dig where journalists and scientists alike wax philosophical about the discovery of a giant dino fossil.  Hold that thought.  A fringe paleo-savant has also found prehistoric hieroglyphics that seem to denote extraterrestrial intervention.  Sure enough, we cut to the cosmos and yahtzee!  Wicked-looking aliens (in comparably wicked-looking spaceships) have designs on the colossal skeleton.  One concentrated laser blast later, Yongary Jr. sprouts flesh and stomps his way to Los Angeles.

That's not just a kaiju allusion.  This film is known as Yong(g)ary overseas, though it doesn't appear to be an official remake.  It's a South Korean production with a mainly American cast.  For what it's worth, it's very possible that I'm still a teenager because I really enjoyed this twaddle.  The blocky CGI leaves much to be desired, but eh, I'll allow it.  The third act busts out a second monster, an Anguirus clone named Cycor.  Expectations exceeded?  I think so.  I don't need to tell you that the human characters aren't terribly fascinating.  Reptilian compensates for its lack of profundity with plenty of dumb explosions.  I like dumb explosions.  When you couple the brisk action with a quick pace, you get a fun viewing experience.  By the way, the version I watched (and indeed, it's the only version available) includes story tweaks and fine-tuned special effects that were added two years after Reptilian's release date.  Almost 4 Z'Dars.  Let's not get too crazy.

10 (repost)

I just filed away Blood Capsule #390 (see the Upcoming Review Schedule to the right).  That leaves ten reviews to be written.  And then?  And then.  I will let you guys know when I actually start the process of putting the book together.  That's probably when I'll announce the book-exclusive reviews.  Yes, I'll be writing something special just for the book, and unlike the exclusives in my first book, these will NEVER appear online.  So I still have plenty of work to do.

PS-Buy the first book HERE.

Blood Capsule #379

DENNIS THE MENACE: DINOSAUR HUNTER (1987)

I...have been burned.  It's my own fault.  I bought this movie without doing any research on it.  If I had done my due diligence, I would have discovered that Dennis the Menace: Dinosaur Hunter doesn't contain any dinosaurs.  There are dinosaur bones, and one of the characters is a paleontologist, but that's about it.  So why am I writing this review?  To punish myself, mainly.  I can't believe that I thought Dennis the Menace not only hunted dinosaurs in this thing, but that some studio went out of their way to create dinosaurs for Dennis (y'know, the menace) to hunt.  Victor DiMatteia stars as the troublesome tyke.  He finds a fossil in the front yard, so his father has an old college buddy take a look at it.  The buddy turns out to be a parasite.  Not literally, although that would have been an interesting plot twist.  Eventually, the Menace clan runs afoul of an evil corporation (dear God) who wants to convert their neighborhood into a dino-themed amusement park.

Guess what?  This was a pilot for a potential series.  You don't have to believe me, and I don't blame you if you don't, but it aired on September 11th.  That makes so much sense.  Actually, it's not terrible.  I remember the 1993 version of Dennis the Menace being more cartoonish.  Here, Dennis is a pain, but he doesn't seem worthy of a comic strip.  Mr. Wilson is given a fairly involved subplot.  His wife goes to work at a candy store to pay for their second honeymoon.  It's high drama.  Yeah, I don't have much to offer on Dennis the Menace: Dinosaur Hunter.  Random trivia!?  The little girl who plays Margaret grew up to be a porn star.  I wish I didn't know that.

10

I just filed away Blood Capsule #390 (see the Upcoming Review Schedule to the right).  That leaves ten reviews to be written.  And then?  And then.  I will let you guys know when I actually start the process of putting the book together.  That's probably when I'll announce the book-exclusive reviews.  Yes, I'll be writing something special just for the book, and unlike the exclusives in my first book, these will NEVER appear online.  So I still have plenty of work to do.

PS-Buy the first book HERE.

Blood Capsule #378

THE VALLEY OF GWANGI (1969)

Dinosaurs and...cowboys?  Sure, why not?  Actually, there is a quasi-niche that combines the cosmetic properties of the western with science fiction.  You may remember 2011's Cowboys and Aliens.  This film was originally dreamed up to be the follow-up to 1933's King Kong.  After Willis O'Brien died in 1962, producer Charles Schneer decided to revive the project with Ray Harryhausen handling the stop-motion effects.  I'm a Harryhausen nut (it could be argued that I'm a stop-motion nut in general), so The Valley of Gwangi is pretty close to my wheelhouse.  Is a wheelhouse a regular house on wheels?  Or are we talking about a house full of casters and sprockets of all sizes?  Nevermind.  Gila Golan plays T.J. Breckenridge, a rodeo performer looking to spice up her act.  James Franciscus is Tuck Kirby, a jerk who sexually harasses his way into the behind-the-scenes machinations of T.J.'s stage show.  Of course, he's depicted as a heartthrob.  Whatever, man.  Eventually, they stumble upon a wild Eohippus.  What's an Eohippus?  I might tell you in the next paragraph.

An Eohippus is a pygmy horse that went extinct roughly 50 million years ago.  Apparently, it was discovered in the valley of the "Gwangi," a dinosaur that lacks people skills.  To be more specific, it's an Allosaurus - an "almost T-Rex" - that steals/chews the scenery.  Do I really need to comment on the visuals here?  Obviously, the dino scrapes look outstanding, especially the bit where four or five cowboys attempt to lasso the beast.  We also see a Styracosaurus and an Ornithomimus, if that means anything to you.  The human drama pales in comparison to the sci-fi insanity.  Plot holes threaten to undermine the third act, although I advise against watching The Valley of Gwangi as a script supervisor.  It's just silly fun.  Harryhausen's efforts are worth the price of admission alone, but if you're angling to check out his resume, I'd start elsewhere.  Maybe The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms.

Recommended to fans of The Black Scorpion and rodeo-themed bumper stickers that read Buck Around, Find Out.

Blood Capsule #377

PRIMITIVE WAR (2025)

I'm not big on war movies.  Having said that, I like the conceit of tossing dinosaurs into pre-existing templates, the war movie included.  Dog Soldiers succeeded by tossing werewolves into the war movie.  So there is a precedent.  I really wanted to turn my brain off and enjoy Primitive War.  Of course, you can probably tell by that sentence that I ran into some opposition.  First, a synopsis.  The military encounters dinosaurs.  Okey-dokey, now what?  It may sound as though I disapprove of the unpretentious nature of the premise, but that couldn't be further from the truth.  The plot is fine.  Unfortunately, it was an hour into the film before I could identify any of the characters.  We have a mess of troops and Jeremy Piven.  Such random casting.  Even if I learned their names, I couldn't make heads or tails of...well, their heads or tails on account of the dark imagery.  I don't mean thematically; the picture is literally dark, an annoying Hollywood trend that I hereby dub "non-lighting."  It doesn't matter if the action sequences are cool if I can't see them.

As for the dinosaurs, the CGI is clean as expected.  There was never a chance that the special effects department wouldn't hold up their end of the bargain, but with this kind of budget, it's hard to heap praises on anyone for doing their job.  Give Fred Olen Ray millions of dollars.  I'm sure he could turn out a decent monster or two.  I'm not all doom and gloom.  The pace picks up steam after the halfway mark, and at a certain point, I started enjoying myself.  That's bound to happen with a fleet of raptors involved.  We get mild blood, but there are no stand-out bits of gore.  If it weren't for excessive (and quite frankly, pointless) profanity, Primitive War would be rated PG-13.  I don't know, man.  If it's slick dino skirmishes you want, you might as well stick to the Jurassic World circus exhibit.  Maybe this flick just caught me on the wrong day.  I'm gonna go watch something directed by Fred Olen Ray.

{REPOST} April will be...

...Random Robot Month!  I've already written over half of the reviews for it.  It's an eclectic mix as usual.  All robots, all random.  There likely won't be any more theme months as we wind the site down, unless something organically presents itself.  Including the Blood Capsules you haven't read yet, I only have fifteen more to write before beginning work on my second book in earnest.  A little sad, yes, but also exciting!

Blood Capsule #376

PREHYSTERIA! 3 (1995)

If you watch this junk on VHS (and if you have any self-respect, you will), you'll notice that unlike the first two Prehysteria! entries, there is no Videozone featurette after the movie.  No cute "behind the scenes" fluff.  That's by design, dear reader.  By this point, Charles Band had stopped trying with this series.  That's saying something, considering that Prehysteria! 2 saw a precipitous downturn in entertainment value.  3 is still entertaining, but for all the wrong reasons.  Red flag number one?  This flick is directed by David DeCoteau.  Also, the special effects that salvaged the second film are...hold on, let me reach for my thesaurus.  Ahem.  The effects have collapsed.  Withered.  Deteriorated.  Degenerated.  Putrefied.  Worsened.  The tiny dinosaurs barely move, and in some painful instances, they don't move at all.  What's more, the characters react to seeing them as if they are gawking at gerbils.  No one is impressed by the sight of a prehistoric beast trudging about on a golf course.  Yes, a golf course.

Technically, you can put Prehysteria! 3 in the same bracket as The Mighty Ducks or Little Big League.  Ella is a junior golfer.  When she discovers the bite-size dinos, she uses them to turn her dad's failing putt-putt course into a booming business.  Yeah, that's the plot.  The dinos don't really matter.  Fred Willard is the dad, and he essentially plays Fred Willard.  Whitney Anderson gets into the spirit as our lead brat.  She's obsessed with Sean Connery for some reason.  Jesus, Prehysteria! 3 is weird.  The budget must have been miniscule.  Oddly, there are no interior shots of Ella's house, and all of the action takes place at a country club.  The pterosaur - y'know, the flying reptile - is never seen flying.  Oof.  The dinos end up serving hamburgers to golf patrons via the concession stand.  For God's sake, they're called Dino-Burgers.  If I were a dino, I would watch my back.  Um, don't watch Prehysteria! 3.