McKay's haul!

So I've been a fortunate dude lately.  Maybe I did good deeds in a past life.  Whatever the case, I was in a unique position today where I had a little cash to blow.  I don't say this to brag.  God knows, I'm not bragging.  Things have simply been going well for me.  So well, in fact, I almost feel guilty about it.  I know I shouldn't, but when you're inundated with tragic stories on the news (NOTE TO SELF: Stop watching the news!), you realize how lucky you are.  Maybe this was an unnecessary preamble.  Oblige me, as I wanted to write it anyway.  Because...

...I bought a lot of crap at McKay's.  If you're not familiar, McKay's is the last bastion for physical media.  There might be others, but this one is somewhat local to me.  Well, it's a couple hours.  That's what transportation is for.  It's worth the drive, though.  I went with one of my best friends (thanks, Bobby!) and we had a blast.  First up, check out the movies I bought.  I couldn't believe they actually had VHS to spare.  Not much, mind you.  Yes, I'll be reviewing some of these, either here or on Patreon.  Click to enlarge.

Next, wrestling stuff!

And finally, reading material.  The X-Files book was only a buck.

Not pictured: Yes, there is more.  I grabbed some King's X (Dogman) and Depeche Mode (Songs of Faith and Devotion) on CD.  And a bag of plastic eyeballs.  Why did I buy a bag of plastic eyeballs?  Here's how I see it; the last time you went to a store, why DIDN'T you buy a bag of plastic eyeballs?  Hmm?

Blood Capsule #308

THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN (1957)

On the surface, this film doesn't seem very interesting.  Giants are a hit/miss proposition, but in the capable hands of Bert I. Gordon (that's Mr. B.I.G. to you), this becomes a stark prophylactic that warns us on the dangers of plutonium bombs.  Okay, maybe "stark" isn't the right word.  The Amazing Colossal Man is certainly more affecting than expected.  Glenn Langan turns in a well-mannered performance as Lt. Col. Manning, a serviceman who risks radiation barbecue to save a downed pilot.  He accrues third-degree burns on 95% of his body, but amazingly, new skin cells emerge that wipe out any trace of injury.  Before you send him a cordial greeting card, you should know that just 48 hours after removing his bandages, he grows eighteen feet.  Something about the pituitary gland?  I'm a bit of an expert on Robert Wadlow, the tallest man in recorded medical history.  With boots on, he topped out at nine feet.  I'm familiar with some of the science behind gigantism, so I know that Manning's case is hogwash.  In fact, you might compare it to a bull's fecal deposits.  However!

Despite also being an expert on, um, bull deposits, I had fun watching The Amazing Colossal Man.  It gets pretty dark.  Mind you, it's nowhere near as dark as Johnny Got His Gun, but that didn't stop me from humming Metallica riffs during scenes where our conflicted hero flashes back to his courtship with Carol, an agreeable blonde played by Cathy Downs.  I recognized her from The She-Creature (same girl, different hair color).  The pace is swift.  Writer/director Gordon was adept at spinning tales of stupefying science fiction.  This might be his best effort all told, although I still need to see Satan's Princess and Picture Mommy Dead.  There is a sequel, 1958's War of the Colossal Beast.  I might try to catch it if I stage another Random Sequel Month.  As for this flick, you should check it out if you're a fan of kaiju-sized monsters.  As for Robert Wadlow, I've always wanted to write a biopic for the silver screen.  But who to tag for the lead role?  Is Phil Fondacaro still active?

Rassle Inn #55

The second season of WWE LFG just started (a few weeks after the first season ended).  Is anyone else watching this show?  I'm genuinely curious.  If you're not privy, it's a competition-based reality show that reminds me of The Voice.  I only know how The Voice works because my mom is obsessed with it, but basically, celebrities form teams of hopefuls and they "duke it out."  Replace singing with wrestling.  Same thing.  The Legends are Bubba Ray Dudley, Booker T, Michelle McCool (having supplanted Mickie James), and of course, The Undertaker.  I'll withhold my comments about the term "legend."  I think it's pretty obvious what is happening here.  Yes, The Undertaker is a legend, but ehhhh...

If this show were a shoot, it would be more interesting.  For some reason, they have to fabricate feuds between the rookies.  I would love to see actual training footage.  Plus, it's so rare to see the guys and gals putting matches together, that alone would be an intriguing concept.  But as it stands, it's pretty vanilla.  And they're doing that annoying thing where the winner is obviously NOT the one with the most potential.  If you've been watching, you know that Tyra Mae Steele shouldn't have gone over, so to speak.  I've seen some of the rookies concurrently compete on Evolve, WWE's c-show that streams on Tubi.  So who knows what the plan is going forward?

I described LFG as "vanilla."  That's where we are right now with respect to WWE's main roster.  There are people I like, but geez, why are the shows so boring?  Am I supposed to be looking forward to the Goldberg match? John Cena's heel turn has been a partial success, but they don't seem to know where it's going.  Now, I'm sure they know where it's going, but unless he retires as a heel (which isn't happening), something isn't clicking.  I wished that CM Punk won the title in Saudi Arabia.  That would shake things up, but then again, I keep wishing for A.J. Lee to return.  Speaking of the women's division, Evolution looks lackadaisical.  Again, am I supposed to be looking forward to a Nikki Bella match?

So there you have it.  A bunch of complaining.  That's going to be the title of this post on the Rassle Inn index page.

Blood Capsule #307

PROJECT VIPER (2002)

There is a car chase in Project Viper where a character is being pursued by a helicopter.  I thought it looked pretty upscale for a Jim Wynorski joint, and after doing some research, I found that I was correct.  Apparently, the footage was lifted from Species.  Why Species?  No earthly idea, but man, I can't get that movie out of my hair.  Ol' Jim was aiming at the moon with this sci-fi dive bomb.  Ostensibly, it was made for the tube (Syfy Channel, I'm assuming), but instances of heavy profanity say otherwise.  I don't actually know why this b-venture was produced or where it was supposed to premiere.  I do know that it's not too shabby, all things considered.  The plot deals with a rocketship to Mars.  Ground communication is disrupted by an unseen force, and the astronauts are feared dead.  What happened???  Well, it may have something to do with Viper, an experimental bio-weapon comprised of human DNA and computer chips (because of course).  There are two prototypes.  One of them is in outer space, while the other has been stolen.

Can the FBI track Viper down before it releases...hmm, what should I call it?  The Temu Mind-Flayer?  That's a Stranger Things reference, but in all honesty, it looks like the aliens in Pitch Black, only larger and amorphous.  Hey, I wasn't asking much from Project Viper, and it met my expectations.  I just needed a teensy bit of action, moderate bloodshed, and plenty of quality time with the monster.  The CGI is so pitiful, that it makes a full revolution and becomes incredible.  I'm not fond of the phrase "so bad, it's good."  However, I concede that it describes this flick with punctilious precision.  Patrick Muldoon and Theresa Russell are solid as the lead experts (or whatever they are).  By that, I mean they don't look too embarrassed.  Again, I wasn't asking for much, so I don't feel guilty giving Project Viper my hearty endorsement.  Recommended to fans of the first ten minutes of Species II.

Now Playing #21

Krabathor - Cool Mortification

I guess most people will have heard of Krabathor through their ties to Master.  Paul Speckmann was a member of the line-up for a few years, but that was late in the game.  Cool Mortification dropped in 1993, and I'll be perfectly honest.  This is the only Krabathor record I have consumed.  Why?  Because...because.  No reason really, though I probably oscillated towards the sick cover art.  I'm superficial like that.  The album itself is pure death metal.  It was Krabathor's second long player, and from what I can tell, they made a precipitous leap from the debut in terms of craftsmanship and sheer chops.  Songs such as "The Loop" and "Evil Corners of Mind" don't necessarily do anything new, but they're written so freakin' well, it doesn't matter.  I particularly love the sweet guitar solos.  An honorable mention goes out to bassist/vocalist Bruno Kovarnik for his beastly growls.  Basically, everything here is cool.

I still have a bit of exploration in front of me as it relates to Krabathor, but if I can convince one reader to check them out, I'd be satisfied.  Oh, and they hail from Czechia.  Now you know.

Gruesome - Silent Echoes

I wrote a little about this album before it was released, but since this column is supposed to document what I've been jamming, it looks like I'm going to write about it again.  If you don't know, Gruesome exists to pay homage to Chuck Schuldiner.  Each record is a callback, and Silent Echoes is a chilling tribute to Human.  They NAILED it.  The production, the vocals, the lead harmonies...this thing reeks of mid-era Death.  I realize that some metalheads stopped listening to Death by the time Human came around.  Hell, some folks even stopped before Spiritual Healing came around, but if I wasn't seven years old in 1991, I wouldn't have been one of those folks.  I love, love, love the progressive-minded approach that Chuck took on later records, so Silent Echoes was built for my ears.  It's a consistent listen.  As such, I can't say that I have a favorite track.  Every song is dotted with "woah" moments.  For instance, the double bass patterns in "Frailty."  Woah.

I'm hoping that this means we'll get Gruesome's take on Individual Thought Patterns and Symbolic next.  Maybe The Sound of Perseverance?  I don't want to sound greedy, but c'mon, you know that would rule.

Blood Capsule #306

MONSTER ON THE CAMPUS (1958)

Gamma rays.  You gotta watch out for those gamma rays.  Here, the electromagnetic radiation has polluted the plasma of a coelacanth.  If you'll turn in your textbook to page 4,567, you'll see that the coelacanth is a species of fish once thought to be a sort of "living fossil," a throwback to an age when the earth was just a giant pot of primordial soup.  But that's not terribly important.  What's important is that the coelacanth has infected Professor Donald Blake.  His DNA is dialed back to the extent that he transforms into a raging caveman.  We also catch a glimpse of an oversized dragonfly, but that's not terribly important either.  Monster on the Campus was directed by sci-fi veteran Jack Arnold.  He knew his way around a monster movie, and it shows in the film's buoyant pace.  I love the scene where Blake realizes that he is the one responsible for the rash of deaths in town.  This almost has the cadence of a werewolf story.  Considering its status as a Universal picture, that may not be a coincidence.

Can I get away with cutting this capsule short?  I mean, I've told you everything you need to know about Monster on the Campus.  It's effortlessly entertaining.  Random trivia!  I missed it, but apparently, there is a shot where you can see the side of the Munsters' house.  So y'know, bonus cool points.

R.L. Stine's Man-Thing?

A friend recently gave me the omnibus collection of the five-issue series of Man-Thing that was written by R.L. Stine (thanks, Bobby!).  I didn't know that such a thing existed until, well, recently.  My history with Stine is unbelievably complex.  To me.  Maybe it's utterly, unabashedly normal, but I don't know.  I can't wrap my head around the guy.  To be clear, I love Goosebumps.  Most of the books are bubblegum-scented garbage, but for obvious reasons, they will always hold a special place in my cankered heart.  I spot something branded with the Goosebumps logo, I buy it.  It's a Pavlovian response, you see.

That doesn't change the fact that...how do I put this?  R.L. Stine is a terrible writer.  Reading his run of Man-Thing just solidified my opinion of his style.  And make no mistake, he has one style.  He has no idea how to write anything that isn't It Came From the Pizza Box or whatever.  I could have sworn that Man-Thing was a typically solemn title, but in the hands of Stine, it's replete with juvenile gags and painful one-liners.  Christ, the one-liners have one-liners.  Every villain has something ridiculous to say.  Man-Thing himself has dreams of becoming an A-List actor in Hollywood.  Yeah.

Of course, the artwork is incredible, but that goes without saying.  I'm glad that I read it, but Stine needs to stick to teenaged ghosts and mutant chickens.  I would actually spend money on It Came From the Pizza Box, though.  Don't tell him I said that.

Blood Capsule #305

PUMPKINHEAD: BLOOD FEUD (2007)

While I'm glad that I'm done wading in this septic tank of a series, I have to admit that Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud (apparently, the "4" is optional) is the best sequel of the lot.  Of course, it's a pale imitation of the original, but - eh, no but.  It's just a pale imitation of the original.  That's okay!  There is still a smattering of rancid CGI, but all in all, the creature suit shenanigans look more fearsome this time around.  Tiny alterations have been made to the plot, and in my humble opinion, these permutations have a positive effect on the final product.  Even Haggis, the old witch, is haunted by the ghost of Ed Harley.  That adds an interesting wrinkle to the mix.  It also gives more purpose to Lance Henriksen's presence.  Hate to say it, but he is entirely unnecessary here.  The idea of a vengeance demon being roped into a "blood feud" makes sense, although I don't know if the story of the Hatfields and McCoys would be considered fertile ground for a horror movie.

Yeah, I suppose I can recommend this flick to Civil War buffs.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  No clue, but either way, we see a wagonload of spilled guts and crushed heads.  Like its predecessor, Blood Feud premiered on the Sci-fi/Syfy Channel, so I appreciate the high-octane violence.  Still, this does bear the stench of broadcast television.  The ending is fairly predictable, what with the third act becoming a waiting game.  The cast is...limited.  But they're trying, and again, at least the script doesn't tarnish a pre-existing character.  Man, Pumpkinhead deserved a classy franchise.  Nevermind the fact that I can't name many classy franchises off the top of my head.  You know what I mean.  In essence, Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud holds the distinction of being the nicest guy in prison.  3 Z'Dars.  I'm tapped.