Blood Capsule #400

TROLL 2 (1990)

So I've seen Troll.  Likewise, I've seen Best Worst Movie.  Until last night, I had not seen Troll 2.  It's one of those weird blindspots that can't be rationalized by conventional science or some other branch of knowledge.  Maybe I brushed it off because I felt like I had seen it.  As a fan of b-movies in the raw, I was more than familiar with the film.  The documentary conveys an appropriate sense of goofball wonder that pervades every scene.  I thought I knew what to expect, but I was still taken aback by the indifferent dialogue, the off-center acting, and the popcorn.  What was that all about?  Michael Paul Stephenson plays Joshua, a constipated child whose family has made an exchange.  What's an exchange?  Apparently, it's where you switch houses with someone else, and it's a totally normal thing to do.  So Joshua is off to Nilbog.  Not Llort.  Nilbog.  Okey-dokey.  Goblins try to eat his family.  Hospitality ensues?

I know that director Claudio Fragasso is a space cadet, but that doesn't explain why most of the cast is seemingly stoned.  Margo Prey as the mom...bless her heart.  Whose favorite song is "Row, Row, Row Your Boat?"  George Hardy is serviceable as the dad, although I don't know why I'm breaking down the acting.  It's Troll 2.  It's extremely Troll 2.  I can confirm that this is nowhere near the worst movie ever.  I was entertained, but the running time is approximately fifteen minutes too long.  Honestly, I had way more fun with Troll.  Troll 2 is rating-proof.  Three-and-a-half Z'Dars should cover it.  The actual trolls - er, goblins - are adorable.  What else can I say?  Recommended to fans of gummies.  Specifically, the ones that make your friend's head turn into a lollipop.  Not that I would know anything about that.

Post-Retirement

Several days ago, I reviewed Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning.  Wanna read it?  I hope so.  You'll be able to ingest it this fall when my second book hits the shelves.  I've gained new readers in the past few months who may not know my gimmick, so to speak.  That's the good news.  The bad news?  In effect, I'm "retiring" the site after the next Blood Capsule is published on Tuesday.  The only other reviews I'm slated to crank out are my write-ups of the Friday series, which again, will be in the book.  What will this place look like after Tuesday?  I've never retired from something before, so your guess is as good as mine.

Having said all that, there will still be plenty of updates and announcements in regards to the book.  I'll also post updates on my band???  Yeah, I actually have a couple of musical projects in the oven.  Busy, busy, busy...don't touch that dial!

Blood Capsule #399

DEVIL'S EXPRESS (1976)

I've written close to four-hundred Blood Capsules, so forgive me if I repeat myself.  I feel like I've said this on numerous occasions, but...did this movie really happen?  I don't know anyone who has seen it.  The star, a would-be blaxploitation luminary named Warhawk Tanzania, only worked on one other project before leaving the business.  Um, co-writer/director Barry Rosen later produced Highlander (the TV series).  Genre?  Martial arts with an underground monster.  That's a new thing, I've just decided.  I don't really know where to begin, which worries me, as I've already begun.  Ol' Warhawk plays Luke, something of a hero in his ghetto.  He's very similar to Snoop Dogg's character in Bones.  Does that help?  Anyway, Luke takes a furlough to China with Rodan.  I'll give you a minute to read that sentence again.  Luke's best friend is simply named Rodan.  No last name.  Alright.  It's unclear why they are in China, but while there, Rodan absconds with a medallion.  I need a drink and a paragraph break.

So this gemstone is somehow tied to a demon.  The demon lurks in New York City's railway system, claiming victims in between random fight scenes.  And I do mean random.  It's almost as if the cast is reacting to a crew member - just off-screen - lifting a sign that reads "FIGHT!" in bold letters.  Mid-conversation?  Doesn't matter.  The sign has been lifted.  Devil's Express is also known as Gang Wars.  Neither title tells you the whole story, but it could be argued that the script doesn't tell you the whole story.  I dug the demon.  It should be noted that this isn't quite a spookshow until the subterranean finale.  The question is, did I enjoy Devil's Express?  I think so!  There is a bit of an identity crisis here, and the plot never truly commits to a main protagonist.  In my mind, however, I keep going back to "martial arts with an underground monster."  I have to recommend this flick, don't I?  Believe it or not, there is an official Blu-ray release.  Region-free.  Have at it.

Blood Capsule #398

SYNGENOR (1990)

It only took nine months, but I'm finally getting around to this quasi-sequel.  Let me catch you up to speed.  1980's Scared to Death was a mediocre feature with an outstanding creature.  Producers liked the creature design so much, in fact, that they wanted to use it in a separate movie.  You could call this a "follow-up," but it's not a true sequel.  Here, our monsters (yes, there is more than one now) are weaponized for the battlefield.  The scientist spearheading the project?  Carter Brown, as portrayed by David Gale of Re-Animator fame.  So here's the thing.  I saw Syngenor twenty-five, maybe thirty years ago.  My memories are bleary, and if you had asked me for my opinion last week, I would have told you that it was forgettable.  Because I had forgotten it.  Good Lord, I'm glad you didn't ask me last week.  Gale's performance is...I'm combing through my grey matter for the right word...it doesn't exist.  The dude is positively unhinged.  Most fans would probably describe his turn in Re-Animator as over-the-top.  Syngenor clears that hurdle without breaking a sweat.

Gale nearly upstages the monsters, which is saying something.  These are nasty-looking varmints, and under the right lighting, they strike a balance between creepy and plain ol' awesome.  Speaking as a freak for practical special effects, seeing the titular bio-mutants bombard soldiers and secretaries lit me up like a Christmas tree.  I'm talking about pure joy, ladies and gentlemen.  There is a caveat.  Outside of David Gale and the SYNthetic GENetic ORGanisms, Syngenor is standard fare.  It's lunchbox horror, but I don't think I need to tell you that I collect lunchboxes.  Okay, I only own three.  It matters none.  You should go out of your way to watch David Gale go out of his mind.  Frankly, the first-class creature suits are the gratuity.  That makes director George Elanjian Jr. a gracious tipper.  Thank your waiter.  Wait, how did I get stuck with the bill???

Recommended to fans of The Guyver (why not?) and Scared to Death, I guess.

Blood Capsule #397

THE PEOPLE ACROSS THE LAKE (1988)

Sometimes, I think my friends see me as this impenetrable oracle of arcane horror knowledge, as I'm always talking about movies that no soul has seen.  The truth is less interesting.  Case in point, The People Across the Lake...I found it from flipping around on Tubi.  In a sense, I'm no different from any other nerd who inadvertently uncovers a rare gem.  I won't say that this flick is a hidden masterpiece.  There are blemishes, and I'll get to them in a minute, but it's a fine time at the cinema.  Correction!  It's a fine time in front of the tube.  Lake was made for television (it might have premiered on the USA Network).  Gerald McRaney stars as a businessman looking to escape the rigors of city life.  Naturally, that means he's uprooting the family and heading for lakefront property.  This is basically a "cabin in the woods" movie without a cabin.  The locals seem skittish.  You can probably figure out where this is going.  Bodies begin to surface in the nearby lake, and before you know it, you're watching an exceedingly dark episode of Major Dad.

This is a surprisingly bleak affair.  It's directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman with a stillness.  By that I mean, you can expect to find a lot of slow pans and fluid camera movements.  It's a notch above standard TV, in my opinion.  The mystery angle is orchestrated to perfection.  Unfortunately, the mystery has to be solved at some point.  The third act doesn't quite live up to the preceding hour.  There should be another twist or two.  The teenaged daughter is played by Tammy Lauren.  You may not recognize that name, but for me, she was the main draw.  She is the heroine of Wishmaster, one of the greatest films on God's green earth.  If you don't dig Wishmaster, we can't be friends.  Straight up.  Anyway, she's great.  Is she still active?  Why am I asking you?  I need to bring this capsule home.  The People Across the Lake is not on Blu-ray, so if you want to check it out (and you do), you'll have to stream it.  Good thing it's 2026, huh?

4!

Only four reviews left!  Can you believe it???

Blood Capsule #396

DRACULA (1979)

Ever find yourself in a position where you can't decide on a movie to watch?  Watch Dracula.  Any Dracula.  It's a safe bet.  This is the only major studio Dracula picture that I had not seen in its entirety.  It's a little more amorous than I was expecting, but the all-star cast coupled with the blustery atmosphere won me over.  Normally, this is where I would pitch to a synopsis, but it's Dracula.  Tonally, it felt like Werner Herzog's Nosferatu at times.  The opening credits want you to know that this Dracula is based on the 1931 iteration and the stage play.  It hardly seems necessary to make such a claim, given that the story doesn't take any unexpected detours.  I mean, there is no shadowy soliloquy delivered by the Count.  I'll level with you; I just really wanted to use the word "soliloquy."  How does Frank Langella fare as our vampiest of vampires?  He plays him with decorum.  I do prefer the Christopher Lee approach (all fangs), but there is nothing wrong with the performance.

Donald Pleasance is fun to watch as Dr. Seward, though it's a missed opportunity not unleashing him as Van Helsing.  Apparently, that was his decision.  Laurence Olivier handles the role of the vampire hunter with care.  Missed opportunity or not, I enjoyed the meat of Dracula.  The art direction is superb.  The cut I watched comes equipped with muted colors, an inspired choice by director John Badham (the theatrical cut looks a bit different).  Everything has a Universal flair.  Perhaps I'm stating the obvious, as this is a Universal property.  I'm awarding an extra half-Z'Dar for the multiplicity of bats.  Bats are cool.  I might rank 1979's Dracula above the garish 1992 version.  Is that a hot take?  I admit there is a Keanu Reeves-shaped hole in the script.  But that could be said of any film that doesn't star Keanu Reeves.

Blood Capsule #395

PREDATOR: BADLANDS (2025)

Out of all my friends, I was the only one who had yet to see this movie.  I had a good reason, mind you.  Um, I didn't want to pay for a Hulu subscription.  Thanks to Disney Plus, I'm all out of excuses.  I'm not complaining.  I loved Predator: Badlands.  Expectations are a strange thing.  Most people I knew came away from the film with positive takes, but I was still cautious.  Could the Yautja withstand babyface treatment?  I'm sorry, I'm using wrestling jargon.  A babyface is a good guy.  Personally, I don't know many good guys who will rip out your spinal column at a moment's notice.  And yet, it makes sense for Dek (our main Yautja) to be the protagonist within the context of the plot.  He must prove himself to be a strong warrior and opts to travel to a "death planet" to retrieve his trophy.  That being, the skull of the fearsome Kalisk.  Along the way, he meets the upper half of an android played by Elle Fanning.  Other stuff happens, but if you want a blow-by-blow breakdown of the script, I urge you to...read the script.

I'm running low on Blood Capsules, so I have to be picky when I settle on something to review.  I honestly didn't think I would dig Badlands enough to write about it, but man, I had a blast watching a Yautja essentially play an open-world video game for 107 minutes.  Even the side quests are entertaining.  At first, I wasn't sold on the dynamic between Dek and Thia (the android), but it eventually clicked into place.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss R-rated gore.  This is definitely the wholesome alternative for people getting into the shared Alien/Predator universe.  It's not like 2022's Prey was a grindhouse experience.  If I had to rank them, I'd say that Predator: Badlands is the most accomplished entry since Predator 2.  I wouldn't mind seeing a horror-leaning sequel going forward.  For the record, I also enjoyed Predator: Killer of Killers.