Blood Capsule #378

THE VALLEY OF GWANGI (1969)

Dinosaurs and...cowboys?  Sure, why not?  Actually, there is a quasi-niche that combines the cosmetic properties of the western with science fiction.  You may remember 2011's Cowboys and Aliens.  This film was originally dreamed up to be the follow-up to 1933's King Kong.  After Willis O'Brien died in 1962, producer Charles Schneer decided to revive the project with Ray Harryhausen handling the stop-motion effects.  I'm a Harryhausen nut (it could be argued that I'm a stop-motion nut in general), so The Valley of Gwangi is pretty close to my wheelhouse.  Is a wheelhouse a regular house on wheels?  Or are we talking about a house full of casters and sprockets of all sizes?  Nevermind.  Gila Golan plays T.J. Breckenridge, a rodeo performer looking to spice up her act.  James Franciscus is Tuck Kirby, a jerk who sexually harasses his way into the behind-the-scenes machinations of T.J.'s stage show.  Of course, he's depicted as a heartthrob.  Whatever, man.  Eventually, they stumble upon a wild Eohippus.  What's an Eohippus?  I might tell you in the next paragraph.

An Eohippus is a pygmy horse that went extinct roughly 50 million years ago.  Apparently, it was discovered in the valley of the "Gwangi," a dinosaur that lacks people skills.  To be more specific, it's an Allosaurus - an "almost T-Rex" - that steals/chews the scenery.  Do I really need to comment on the visuals here?  Obviously, the dino scrapes look outstanding, especially the bit where four or five cowboys attempt to lasso the beast.  We also see a Styracosaurus and an Ornithomimus, if that means anything to you.  The human drama pales in comparison to the sci-fi insanity.  Plot holes threaten to undermine the third act, although I advise against watching The Valley of Gwangi as a script supervisor.  It's just silly fun.  Harryhausen's efforts are worth the price of admission alone, but if you're angling to check out his resume, I'd start elsewhere.  Maybe The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms.

Recommended to fans of The Black Scorpion and rodeo-themed bumper stickers that read Buck Around, Find Out.

Blood Capsule #377

PRIMITIVE WAR (2025)

I'm not big on war movies.  Having said that, I like the conceit of tossing dinosaurs into pre-existing templates, the war movie included.  Dog Soldiers succeeded by tossing werewolves into the war movie.  So there is a precedent.  I really wanted to turn my brain off and enjoy Primitive War.  Of course, you can probably tell by that sentence that I ran into some opposition.  First, a synopsis.  The military encounters dinosaurs.  Okey-dokey, now what?  It may sound as though I disapprove of the unpretentious nature of the premise, but that couldn't be further from the truth.  The plot is fine.  Unfortunately, it was an hour into the film before I could identify any of the characters.  We have a mess of troops and Jeremy Piven.  Such random casting.  Even if I learned their names, I couldn't make heads or tails of...well, their heads or tails on account of the dark imagery.  I don't mean thematically; the picture is literally dark, an annoying Hollywood trend that I hereby dub "non-lighting."  It doesn't matter if the action sequences are cool if I can't see them.

As for the dinosaurs, the CGI is clean as expected.  There was never a chance that the special effects department wouldn't hold up their end of the bargain, but with this kind of budget, it's hard to heap praises on anyone for doing their job.  Give Fred Olen Ray millions of dollars.  I'm sure he could turn out a decent monster or two.  I'm not all doom and gloom.  The pace picks up steam after the halfway mark, and at a certain point, I started enjoying myself.  That's bound to happen with a fleet of raptors involved.  We get mild blood, but there are no stand-out bits of gore.  If it weren't for excessive (and quite frankly, pointless) profanity, Primitive War would be rated PG-13.  I don't know, man.  If it's slick dino skirmishes you want, you might as well stick to the Jurassic World circus exhibit.  Maybe this flick just caught me on the wrong day.  I'm gonna go watch something directed by Fred Olen Ray.

{REPOST} April will be...

...Random Robot Month!  I've already written over half of the reviews for it.  It's an eclectic mix as usual.  All robots, all random.  There likely won't be any more theme months as we wind the site down, unless something organically presents itself.  Including the Blood Capsules you haven't read yet, I only have fifteen more to write before beginning work on my second book in earnest.  A little sad, yes, but also exciting!

Blood Capsule #376

PREHYSTERIA! 3 (1995)

If you watch this junk on VHS (and if you have any self-respect, you will), you'll notice that unlike the first two Prehysteria! entries, there is no Videozone featurette after the movie.  No cute "behind the scenes" fluff.  That's by design, dear reader.  By this point, Charles Band had stopped trying with this series.  That's saying something, considering that Prehysteria! 2 saw a precipitous downturn in entertainment value.  3 is still entertaining, but for all the wrong reasons.  Red flag number one?  This flick is directed by David DeCoteau.  Also, the special effects that salvaged the second film are...hold on, let me reach for my thesaurus.  Ahem.  The effects have collapsed.  Withered.  Deteriorated.  Degenerated.  Putrefied.  Worsened.  The tiny dinosaurs barely move, and in some painful instances, they don't move at all.  What's more, the characters react to seeing them as if they are gawking at gerbils.  No one is impressed by the sight of a prehistoric beast trudging about on a golf course.  Yes, a golf course.

Technically, you can put Prehysteria! 3 in the same bracket as The Mighty Ducks or Little Big League.  Ella is a junior golfer.  When she discovers the bite-size dinos, she uses them to turn her dad's failing putt-putt course into a booming business.  Yeah, that's the plot.  The dinos don't really matter.  Fred Willard is the dad, and he essentially plays Fred Willard.  Whitney Anderson gets into the spirit as our lead brat.  She's obsessed with Sean Connery for some reason.  Jesus, Prehysteria! 3 is weird.  The budget must have been miniscule.  Oddly, there are no interior shots of Ella's house, and all of the action takes place at a country club.  The pterosaur - y'know, the flying reptile - is never seen flying.  Oof.  The dinos end up serving hamburgers to golf patrons via the concession stand.  For God's sake, they're called Dino-Burgers.  If I were a dino, I would watch my back.  Um, don't watch Prehysteria! 3.

April will be...

...Random Robot Month!  I've already written over half of the reviews for it.  It's an eclectic mix as usual.  All robots, all random.  There likely won't be any more theme months as we wind the site down, unless something organically presents itself.  Including the Blood Capsules you haven't read yet, I only have fifteen more to write before beginning work on my second book in earnest.  A little sad, yes, but also exciting!

Blood Capsule #375

PREHYSTERIA! 2 (1994)

So the main brat in this film was played by Kevin Connors.  Does that name ring a bell?  It shouldn't.  He was also the brat in Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead.  And aside from a supporting role in Pleasantville, that was the extent of his Hollywood career.  How positively random.  Here, he is Brendan, a spoiled brat who we're supposed to get behind.  Sorry, I couldn't do it.  I knew this was going to be a substandard sequel when it was revealed that Brendan had a bedroom full of expensive toys and games that he didn't play with.  Yeah, he's one of those kids.  He encounters bullies within the first 15 minutes, and you know what?  I was rooting for the bullies.  Jennifer Harte isn't quite as exacerbating as the less fortunate pal, but this is her only screen credit.  EDITOR'S NOTE: I was going to write a joke that involved dinosaurs and sexual assault, but...um, I thought better of it.  Maybe this is the joke.  Pretend these sentences never happened.

The (off-screen) family from the first movie leaves their precious dino-cargo in the hands of their gardener.  Of course, the little beasties are abducted and wind up in the auspices of ol' Brendan.  The dinosaurs are still cute, but I'll level with you.  Prehysteria! 2 is stupid.  The comedy is dumber, the pratfalls are harder to believe (apparently, the dinos are fluent in English), and we don't even get a decent antagonist.  The closest we come to a true villain is a "governess" who acts as a geriatric tyrant.  Blegh.  On the upside, Charles Band's Moonbeam imprint was still able to siphon sweet coin from Paramount, so at the very least, the production values are clean.  All of the special effects remain impressive.  However, the mini-dinos are very nearly relegated to "B" plot status.  You don't put mini-dinos in your "B" plot.  If you're wondering, yes, I'm going to finish the trilogy.  Realistically, I don't know how many more words I can write about these movies, but we'll find out together.

Blood Capsule #374

PREHYSTERIA! (1993)

I know, I know...this isn't a horror film.  Do I really need to explain the b-movie appeal of a Charles Band joint full of pygmy dinosaurs?  Prehysteria! is right up my alley.  As a kid, I was a dino freak, so I don't know how my childhood subsisted without taking in at least one of these things.  I used "pygmy" as a modifier, but truth be told, this is simply a story about miniature dinosaurs that hatch in Jerry's basement.  Haven't we all hatched in Jerry's basement at one point or another?  So Jerry is played by Austin O'Brien.  This was his first major role.  He later starred in Last Action Hero, which I can't believe I haven't seen (love the soundtrack, though).  I'm skittering off-topic.  The miniature dinosaurs!  They're adorable.  We have a class clown Tyrannosaurus Rex, a moody Brachiosaurus, a featureless Stegosaurus (he isn't given much of a personality), a hungry Chasmosaurus (basically, a generic Triceratops), and a flighty pterosaur (pun totally intended).

The special effects are outstanding.  Dino dudes practically jump off the screen through a spiffy combination of stop-motion and rod puppetry.  I realize that I'm focusing on the technical aspects of Prehysteria!, but there is an inviting story being told here.  As can be expected, we see a greasy antagonist get his comeuppance.  Tony Longo is instantly recognizable as a "big lug" type.  He's one of those character actors that pops up in dozens of movies, most of them family-friendly affairs.  Speaking of which, this is something that you can watch with anyone.  I don't review many films that fall into that category, so this was a nice change of pace.  Almost faultless, in fact.  I'm curious to see how the sequels fare.  Famous last words?  Random trivia!  Prehysteria! was the first Moonbeam production.  I'm going to try to collect them all on VHS.  A man should have priorities, shouldn't he?

Don't bury the lede...

So they barely mentioned it on Raw, but my favorite tag team of all time is headed for the WWE Hall of Fame...finally!  Yes, I'm here to remind you that Ax and Smash (and maybe even Crush?) of Demolition will be receiving the honors.  Man, they scared the bejeezus out of me when I was four years old.  Don't believe anyone who tries to sell them as "diet Legion of Doom."  Put some respect on their name!