Blood Capsule #372

HORRORVISION (2001)

Remember Feardotcom?  It was stupid, right?  Well, Horrorvision makes Feardotcom look like The Seventh Seal.  God, this movie is terrible.  First of all, I'm only writing one paragraph about this hydraulic press vasectomy (I have no idea how that would work, by the way; I'm feeling my way through this).  Life is too short.  I guess I should get the synopsis out of the way.  Logging onto Horrorvision will zap you into another dimension.  My advice for the characters of this passion play?  Don't log onto Horrorvision.  Problem solved, crisis averted.  Unfortunately, our lead dweeb loses his girlfriend to this...thing.  We do see a cool robot monster in the last ten minutes, but by that point, I was choking on sand.  Oh, the main players drive around the desert for what feels like three hours.  Here is what I don't get.  Horrorvision was co-written by J.R. Bookwalter, a guy who has crafted some magnificent z-grade cheese (I'm particularly fond of 1995's The Sandman).  Maybe he was sick when he contributed to this quandary.

Okay, I'll start a new paragraph to say that Maggie Rose Fleck is a little too talented to be in this motion picture.  She plays the aforementioned girlfriend.  I liked her, but of course, she dies in the first act.  Why couldn't I die in the first act?  Horrorvision gets one Z'Dar.  That's a half-Z'Dar for Maggie and a half-Z'Dar for the robot monster.  Get me out of this review.

Mad Monster Party: The Evidence

This past Saturday, I attended the Mad Monster Party horror convention in Concord, North Carolina with one of my best buddies.  Had a blast.  I might do a YouTube video later on where I go over my haul.  What's that saying?  A fool and his money parted ways?  Yeah, I got a lot of crap.  Here's some pics!  Click to enlarge.

Blood Capsule #371

JOE'S APARTMENT (1996)

The reviews in my first book didn't have an overarching theme.  Likewise, the second book (which is being written, like, right now) doesn't stick to a plan, although I have noticed that a certain subgenre is creeping to the fore.  I guess it's more of an idea than a subgenre, but to what am I referring?  Movies that dance on the periphery of the horror genre.  Joe's Apartment is a comedy first and foremost.  Depending on how you feel about bugs, it could be seen as an outright horror romp.  In the roach arena (dear God, imagine a "roach arena"), I consider 1988's The Nest to be the top dog.  Of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't mention one-fifth of Creepshow.  The gross-out death of Upson Pratt is a high-water mark in my household.  This flick doesn't approach those lofty heights, but it's seriously entertaining.  I'm old enough to remember seeing the original short on MTV in between commercial breaks.  Was there enough meat on that bone to stretch Joe's Apartment into a feature?  Intriguing question.

A fresh-faced Jerry O'Connell plays Joe, an indolent slob who has moved out on his own and chanced into a rent-controlled apartment thanks to the timely passing of...some lady.  Seems too good to be true.  In most cases, that would be the fact of the matter.  But in most cases, Joe wouldn't have to worry about a horde of singing, dancing cockroaches.  My synopsis is far too charming.  The premise of Joe's Apartment tosses believability right out the window.  That only becomes problematic toward the end where it feels like you're watching a cartoon.  But wait!  I did say that I was entertained.  This film is an incredible technical achievement.  The special effects combine CGI, stop-motion animation, and yes, live roaches (there is a "roach wrangler" credited; I sincerely hope he was paid well).  While I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of insects, I'm not immune to heebies or jeebies.  You know what?  Forget what I said earlier.  Put Joe's Apartment directly in the horror section.

Random trivia alert!  There is a one-second cameo by Bam Bam Bigelow.  I'm surprised that his involvement wasn't mentioned in his episode of Dark Side of the Ring.

Blood Capsule #370

EQUINOX (1970)

I've been wanting to review this film for ages.  It's a marvel of low-budget effects wizardry, and it has a kinetic energy that gives me sustenance.  While it's unclear if Sam Raimi ever saw Equinox, it could be seen as a dry run for The Evil Dead.  In both films, four characters discover a strange book.  Here, the spooky tome is unearthed in a cave.  They are even led to a cabin in the woods, although it's been destroyed by a Lovecraftian beast.  I'm getting ahead of myself.  This flick features winged demons, disappearing castles, and a shifty-eyed cop named Asmodeus.  Need I say more?  I won't try to be super cool by suggesting that Equinox is superior to The Evil Dead.  Because it isn't.  But!  It's totally awesome.  Hopefully, I don't have to sell you on stop-motion creatures and psychedelic undertones.  The bulk of the picture is relayed via flashbacks.  I should start writing these capsules via flashback.

A reporter visits a man in a sanitarium who swears that his girlfriend and his professor have been slain by supernatural forces.  He freaks out when the orderlies commandeer his crucifix.  That couldn't possibly mean anything substantial, could it?  Equinox was made for less than $10,000, but honestly, you can't tell.  Aside from the incredible effects (Ray Harryhausen would be proud), the acting is...okay, I admit my standards are low, but I thought these no-name cats were giving it their all.  Apologies if you have actually heard of Edward Connell and Barbara Hewitt.  Oh, there's a green ogre.  I forgot about the green ogre.  Folks, this drive-in hit isn't without its hiccups, but gee golly, it's entertaining as heck.  I don't usually use that kind of language, so you know I mean business.

April, April, April

I've officially started writing the reviews for April.  There is a theme, but I won't reveal it until Random Dinosaur Month has been cooking for a couple of weeks.  All I can say is that it won't be Random Turtle Month.  And yes, Raphael is my favorite.  He's clearly the coolest!

Blood Capsule #369

I, ZOMBIE (1998)

There is some "mockumentary" window dressing around I, Zombie (the film opens with supposed interview footage), but the gimmick is dropped almost immediately.  It pops back up later, but there is no real cohesion.  Truth be told, this might have been a more rewarding sit as a full-on mockumentary.  What we have here is a zombie character study.  I'm not so sure those words should ever appear in a sentence together.  There is plenty of grue to go with it, and the low-budget makeup effects are exquisite at times.  At times.  Where did I leave my synopsis?  Mark is bitten by a zombie.  He tries to make sense of it all as his skin becomes sallow and he develops a hankering for human flesh.  Essentially, you watch Mark decompose for 79 minutes.  Does that sound...fun?

There may be something valid in wanting to create an intimate, small-scale zombie rager, but I don't know that I would have chosen to go that route for the first release on my video label.  That's what Fangoria did.  I was a subscriber to the magazine in the late 90's, and I remember seeing ads for I, Zombie (as well as its follow-up, 2001's Dead Creatures) all over the place.  I didn't take a chance on it until 2026.  Um, I don't know if that's a reflection of the ads or the film itself, but either way, I can't say I had a blast spending time with ol' Mark.  At one point, he rips off his putrescent penis during a cheerless masturbation session.  Yeah, that was a choice.  At best, it's a good example of a questionable decision made by writer/director Andrew Parkinson.  All ribbing aside (pun intended?), there is obvious talent behind the camera, but I don't see myself revisiting I, Zombie.  Like, ever.

Domocracy

YouTube doesn't like Blogger anymore, but click HERE to check out my ranking of every Exhumed album!

Blood Capsule #368

DEAD OF NIGHT (1977)

Dan Curtis is synonymous with TV horror.  As such, I don't think I need to run through his credentials.  Seeing his name on the Blu-ray release of this puppy pretty much guaranteed that I was going to add it to my shopping cart, and that's with knowing very little about the film itself.  So what is Dead of Night?  It's a glorified pilot for a TV series that never came to fruition.  Boy, there were a lot of these situations, weren't there?  It shouldn't surprise you to learn that this is an anthology.  No wrap-around.  We dive right in to "Second Chance," which stars Ed Begley Jr. (at his most Ed Begliest, if I may coin an adjective) as a man who restores an antique car.  The bygone bucket of bolts serves as a time travel device, which means that this segment isn't terribly spooky.  I didn't have any problems with it, but it reads as tremendously dry, especially compared to the other two-thirds of Dead of Night.  "No Such Thing as a Vampire" may or may not concern a vampire.  I'm sure I'll tell you more about it in the next paragraph.

Apart from the goth-leaning atmosphere, this is where I was beginning to droop a bit.  That said, there are excellent performances to be found.  This is not the main event, however.  "Bobby" is up next.  If you see any portion of this picture, make sure it's "Bobby."  Technically, this is a spoiler (it's not a big deal; cool your jets), but "Bobby" is a reworking of "The Monkey's Paw."  If you've seen Bob Clark's Deathdream, you basically know what to expect.  Here, the action centers around a grieving mother who turns to the black arts to bring her son back from beyond the grave.  Utterly fantastic, despite the fact that you know exactly what's going to happen.  If I had seen Dead of Night on television in 1977, the final frames would have given me nightmares.  No question about it.  3.5 feels like a fair rating, considering that we don't gain any real acceleration until the halfway point, roughly speaking.  So watch along this Sunday night on CBS.