McKay's haul!

So I've been a fortunate dude lately.  Maybe I did good deeds in a past life.  Whatever the case, I was in a unique position today where I had a little cash to blow.  I don't say this to brag.  God knows, I'm not bragging.  Things have simply been going well for me.  So well, in fact, I almost feel guilty about it.  I know I shouldn't, but when you're inundated with tragic stories on the news (NOTE TO SELF: Stop watching the news!), you realize how lucky you are.  Maybe this was an unnecessary preamble.  Oblige me, as I wanted to write it anyway.  Because...

...I bought a lot of crap at McKay's.  If you're not familiar, McKay's is the last bastion for physical media.  There might be others, but this one is somewhat local to me.  Well, it's a couple hours.  That's what transportation is for.  It's worth the drive, though.  I went with one of my best friends (thanks, Bobby!) and we had a blast.  First up, check out the movies I bought.  I couldn't believe they actually had VHS to spare.  Not much, mind you.  Yes, I'll be reviewing some of these, either here or on Patreon.  Click to enlarge.

Next, wrestling stuff!

And finally, reading material.  The X-Files book was only a buck.

Not pictured: Yes, there is more.  I grabbed some King's X (Dogman) and Depeche Mode (Songs of Faith and Devotion) on CD.  And a bag of plastic eyeballs.  Why did I buy a bag of plastic eyeballs?  Here's how I see it; the last time you went to a store, why DIDN'T you buy a bag of plastic eyeballs?  Hmm?

Blood Capsule #308

THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN (1957)

On the surface, this film doesn't seem very interesting.  Giants are a hit/miss proposition, but in the capable hands of Bert I. Gordon (that's Mr. B.I.G. to you), this becomes a stark prophylactic that warns us on the dangers of plutonium bombs.  Okay, maybe "stark" isn't the right word.  The Amazing Colossal Man is certainly more affecting than expected.  Glenn Langan turns in a well-mannered performance as Lt. Col. Manning, a serviceman who risks radiation barbecue to save a downed pilot.  He accrues third-degree burns on 95% of his body, but amazingly, new skin cells emerge that wipe out any trace of injury.  Before you send him a cordial greeting card, you should know that just 48 hours after removing his bandages, he grows eighteen feet.  Something about the pituitary gland?  I'm a bit of an expert on Robert Wadlow, the tallest man in recorded medical history.  With boots on, he topped out at nine feet.  I'm familiar with some of the science behind gigantism, so I know that Manning's case is hogwash.  In fact, you might compare it to a bull's fecal deposits.  However!

Despite also being an expert on, um, bull deposits, I had fun watching The Amazing Colossal Man.  It gets pretty dark.  Mind you, it's nowhere near as dark as Johnny Got His Gun, but that didn't stop me from humming Metallica riffs during scenes where our conflicted hero flashes back to his courtship with Carol, an agreeable blonde played by Cathy Downs.  I recognized her from The She-Creature (same girl, different hair color).  The pace is swift.  Writer/director Gordon was adept at spinning tales of stupefying science fiction.  This might be his best effort all told, although I still need to see Satan's Princess and Picture Mommy Dead.  There is a sequel, 1958's War of the Colossal Beast.  I might try to catch it if I stage another Random Sequel Month.  As for this flick, you should check it out if you're a fan of kaiju-sized monsters.  As for Robert Wadlow, I've always wanted to write a biopic for the silver screen.  But who to tag for the lead role?  Is Phil Fondacaro still active?

Rassle Inn #55

The second season of WWE LFG just started (a few weeks after the first season ended).  Is anyone else watching this show?  I'm genuinely curious.  If you're not privy, it's a competition-based reality show that reminds me of The Voice.  I only know how The Voice works because my mom is obsessed with it, but basically, celebrities form teams of hopefuls and they "duke it out."  Replace singing with wrestling.  Same thing.  The Legends are Bubba Ray Dudley, Booker T, Michelle McCool (having supplanted Mickie James), and of course, The Undertaker.  I'll withhold my comments about the term "legend."  I think it's pretty obvious what is happening here.  Yes, The Undertaker is a legend, but ehhhh...

If this show were a shoot, it would be more interesting.  For some reason, they have to fabricate feuds between the rookies.  I would love to see actual training footage.  Plus, it's so rare to see the guys and gals putting matches together, that alone would be an intriguing concept.  But as it stands, it's pretty vanilla.  And they're doing that annoying thing where the winner is obviously NOT the one with the most potential.  If you've been watching, you know that Tyra Mae Steele shouldn't have gone over, so to speak.  I've seen some of the rookies concurrently compete on Evolve, WWE's c-show that streams on Tubi.  So who knows what the plan is going forward?

I described LFG as "vanilla."  That's where we are right now with respect to WWE's main roster.  There are people I like, but geez, why are the shows so boring?  Am I supposed to be looking forward to the Goldberg match? John Cena's heel turn has been a partial success, but they don't seem to know where it's going.  Now, I'm sure they know where it's going, but unless he retires as a heel (which isn't happening), something isn't clicking.  I wished that CM Punk won the title in Saudi Arabia.  That would shake things up, but then again, I keep wishing for A.J. Lee to return.  Speaking of the women's division, Evolution looks lackadaisical.  Again, am I supposed to be looking forward to a Nikki Bella match?

So there you have it.  A bunch of complaining.  That's going to be the title of this post on the Rassle Inn index page.

Blood Capsule #307

PROJECT VIPER (2002)

There is a car chase in Project Viper where a character is being pursued by a helicopter.  I thought it looked pretty upscale for a Jim Wynorski joint, and after doing some research, I found that I was correct.  Apparently, the footage was lifted from Species.  Why Species?  No earthly idea, but man, I can't get that movie out of my hair.  Ol' Jim was aiming at the moon with this sci-fi dive bomb.  Ostensibly, it was made for the tube (Syfy Channel, I'm assuming), but instances of heavy profanity say otherwise.  I don't actually know why this b-venture was produced or where it was supposed to premiere.  I do know that it's not too shabby, all things considered.  The plot deals with a rocketship to Mars.  Ground communication is disrupted by an unseen force, and the astronauts are feared dead.  What happened???  Well, it may have something to do with Viper, an experimental bio-weapon comprised of human DNA and computer chips (because of course).  There are two prototypes.  One of them is in outer space, while the other has been stolen.

Can the FBI track Viper down before it releases...hmm, what should I call it?  The Temu Mind-Flayer?  That's a Stranger Things reference, but in all honesty, it looks like the aliens in Pitch Black, only larger and amorphous.  Hey, I wasn't asking much from Project Viper, and it met my expectations.  I just needed a teensy bit of action, moderate bloodshed, and plenty of quality time with the monster.  The CGI is so pitiful, that it makes a full revolution and becomes incredible.  I'm not fond of the phrase "so bad, it's good."  However, I concede that it describes this flick with punctilious precision.  Patrick Muldoon and Theresa Russell are solid as the lead experts (or whatever they are).  By that, I mean they don't look too embarrassed.  Again, I wasn't asking for much, so I don't feel guilty giving Project Viper my hearty endorsement.  Recommended to fans of the first ten minutes of Species II.

Now Playing #21

Krabathor - Cool Mortification

I guess most people will have heard of Krabathor through their ties to Master.  Paul Speckmann was a member of the line-up for a few years, but that was late in the game.  Cool Mortification dropped in 1993, and I'll be perfectly honest.  This is the only Krabathor record I have consumed.  Why?  Because...because.  No reason really, though I probably oscillated towards the sick cover art.  I'm superficial like that.  The album itself is pure death metal.  It was Krabathor's second long player, and from what I can tell, they made a precipitous leap from the debut in terms of craftsmanship and sheer chops.  Songs such as "The Loop" and "Evil Corners of Mind" don't necessarily do anything new, but they're written so freakin' well, it doesn't matter.  I particularly love the sweet guitar solos.  An honorable mention goes out to bassist/vocalist Bruno Kovarnik for his beastly growls.  Basically, everything here is cool.

I still have a bit of exploration in front of me as it relates to Krabathor, but if I can convince one reader to check them out, I'd be satisfied.  Oh, and they hail from Czechia.  Now you know.

Gruesome - Silent Echoes

I wrote a little about this album before it was released, but since this column is supposed to document what I've been jamming, it looks like I'm going to write about it again.  If you don't know, Gruesome exists to pay homage to Chuck Schuldiner.  Each record is a callback, and Silent Echoes is a chilling tribute to Human.  They NAILED it.  The production, the vocals, the lead harmonies...this thing reeks of mid-era Death.  I realize that some metalheads stopped listening to Death by the time Human came around.  Hell, some folks even stopped before Spiritual Healing came around, but if I wasn't seven years old in 1991, I wouldn't have been one of those folks.  I love, love, love the progressive-minded approach that Chuck took on later records, so Silent Echoes was built for my ears.  It's a consistent listen.  As such, I can't say that I have a favorite track.  Every song is dotted with "woah" moments.  For instance, the double bass patterns in "Frailty."  Woah.

I'm hoping that this means we'll get Gruesome's take on Individual Thought Patterns and Symbolic next.  Maybe The Sound of Perseverance?  I don't want to sound greedy, but c'mon, you know that would rule.

Blood Capsule #306

MONSTER ON THE CAMPUS (1958)

Gamma rays.  You gotta watch out for those gamma rays.  Here, the electromagnetic radiation has polluted the plasma of a coelacanth.  If you'll turn in your textbook to page 4,567, you'll see that the coelacanth is a species of fish once thought to be a sort of "living fossil," a throwback to an age when the earth was just a giant pot of primordial soup.  But that's not terribly important.  What's important is that the coelacanth has infected Professor Donald Blake.  His DNA is dialed back to the extent that he transforms into a raging caveman.  We also catch a glimpse of an oversized dragonfly, but that's not terribly important either.  Monster on the Campus was directed by sci-fi veteran Jack Arnold.  He knew his way around a monster movie, and it shows in the film's buoyant pace.  I love the scene where Blake realizes that he is the one responsible for the rash of deaths in town.  This almost has the cadence of a werewolf story.  Considering its status as a Universal picture, that may not be a coincidence.

Can I get away with cutting this capsule short?  I mean, I've told you everything you need to know about Monster on the Campus.  It's effortlessly entertaining.  Random trivia!  I missed it, but apparently, there is a shot where you can see the side of the Munsters' house.  So y'know, bonus cool points.

R.L. Stine's Man-Thing?

A friend recently gave me the omnibus collection of the five-issue series of Man-Thing that was written by R.L. Stine (thanks, Bobby!).  I didn't know that such a thing existed until, well, recently.  My history with Stine is unbelievably complex.  To me.  Maybe it's utterly, unabashedly normal, but I don't know.  I can't wrap my head around the guy.  To be clear, I love Goosebumps.  Most of the books are bubblegum-scented garbage, but for obvious reasons, they will always hold a special place in my cankered heart.  I spot something branded with the Goosebumps logo, I buy it.  It's a Pavlovian response, you see.

That doesn't change the fact that...how do I put this?  R.L. Stine is a terrible writer.  Reading his run of Man-Thing just solidified my opinion of his style.  And make no mistake, he has one style.  He has no idea how to write anything that isn't It Came From the Pizza Box or whatever.  I could have sworn that Man-Thing was a typically solemn title, but in the hands of Stine, it's replete with juvenile gags and painful one-liners.  Christ, the one-liners have one-liners.  Every villain has something ridiculous to say.  Man-Thing himself has dreams of becoming an A-List actor in Hollywood.  Yeah.

Of course, the artwork is incredible, but that goes without saying.  I'm glad that I read it, but Stine needs to stick to teenaged ghosts and mutant chickens.  I would actually spend money on It Came From the Pizza Box, though.  Don't tell him I said that.

Blood Capsule #305

PUMPKINHEAD: BLOOD FEUD (2007)

While I'm glad that I'm done wading in this septic tank of a series, I have to admit that Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud (apparently, the "4" is optional) is the best sequel of the lot.  Of course, it's a pale imitation of the original, but - eh, no but.  It's just a pale imitation of the original.  That's okay!  There is still a smattering of rancid CGI, but all in all, the creature suit shenanigans look more fearsome this time around.  Tiny alterations have been made to the plot, and in my humble opinion, these permutations have a positive effect on the final product.  Even Haggis, the old witch, is haunted by the ghost of Ed Harley.  That adds an interesting wrinkle to the mix.  It also gives more purpose to Lance Henriksen's presence.  Hate to say it, but he is entirely unnecessary here.  The idea of a vengeance demon being roped into a "blood feud" makes sense, although I don't know if the story of the Hatfields and McCoys would be considered fertile ground for a horror movie.

Yeah, I suppose I can recommend this flick to Civil War buffs.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  No clue, but either way, we see a wagonload of spilled guts and crushed heads.  Like its predecessor, Blood Feud premiered on the Sci-fi/Syfy Channel, so I appreciate the high-octane violence.  Still, this does bear the stench of broadcast television.  The ending is fairly predictable, what with the third act becoming a waiting game.  The cast is...limited.  But they're trying, and again, at least the script doesn't tarnish a pre-existing character.  Man, Pumpkinhead deserved a classy franchise.  Nevermind the fact that I can't name many classy franchises off the top of my head.  You know what I mean.  In essence, Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud holds the distinction of being the nicest guy in prison.  3 Z'Dars.  I'm tapped.

Random Album Alert

There is a new edition of Now Playing in the oven.  In the meantime, however, check out the classic(k) debut by Floridian death metallers Brutality.  Highly recommended to fans of Malevolent Creation and Bleeding-era Cannibal Corpse.  My favorite track is "Crushed," but you should definitely listen to the whole thing.

Blood Capsule #304

PUMPKINHEAD: ASHES TO ASHES (2006)

I thought I had seen this film when it debuted on the Sci-Fi/Syfy Channel, but apparently, I was mistaken.  This misfire is all new to me, so I'm offended nineteen years too late.  Yes, offended.  Where do I even begin?  Ashes to Ashes tries to be a direct sequel to the original.  That's where it falls short.  It repositions - or "'remakes" - beats from Stan Winston's Pumpkinhead without any of the character that made those beats work in the first place.  Within the first ten minutes, we are told that someone has been wronged, a corpse has been defiled by a crooked undertaker.  Naturally, we don't learn anything about these people and we don't have a reason to be invested in their story.  Remember when Ed Harley visited the pumpkin patch and found Pumpkinhead's eerie grave?  Remember how that moment was cloaked in atmosphere?  Here, Pumpkinhead is dug up by some random lunkhead.  That's your cast, by the way.  Random lunkheads.  And a disheveled Lance Henriksen (more on him later).

The script has the audacity to bring back Bunt from the first movie, the only yokel youngin' with street savvy.  Ashes has turned him into a mentally-challenged manchild.  Moreover, Douglas Roberts' performance is putrid.  Speaking of putrid, the CGI...Jesus wept, the CGI.  The creature effects are standard for the most part, but yeah, the digital stuff is tantamount to Sega Genesis horseplay.  Oh, Doug Bradley collects a paycheck as the town heavy.  I'm so impressed.  According to IMDb, Henriksen was so thrilled with the project, he left the film's premiere before he was called on stage for the Q&A.  Y'know, Blood Wings was forgettable, but it didn't piss me off.  Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes pissed me off.  Most men would lay their weapons down at this point, but I'm committed to see this charade through.  Am I just destined to see through this charade?  We shall see.

August will be...

...Random Werewolf Month!  I used AI to generate an image of a werewolf in a wheelchair, thinking it could be a mascot of sorts.  Eh, I'm not feeling it.  Regardless, I'll be tackling seven or eight werewolf flicks in August.  Most decades will be represented.  I've curated a nice mélange of lycanthropictures to weed through.  I'm hitting obscure stuff, mainstream stuff, and two entries in the Howling series.  Which two?  You'll have to wait to find out!

Blood Capsule #303

PUMPKINHEAD II: BLOOD WINGS (1994)

Alright, I've delayed this long enough.  Let's break down the pithy, somewhat puny Pumpkinhead franchise.  Unfortunately, I'm doing this in chronological order, which I don't recommend.  If you haven't read my review of the original film, click HERE.  If you haven't seen Blood Wings and you're thinking of checking it out, click...anywhere.  Just do something else.  That's my advice.  I have a long history with this curiously delayed sequel, a history rife with vexation and disillusionment.  My dad rented it when I was 10, so I actually saw it before the original.  That is sheer lunacy.  Alas, it is my truth.  Essentially, Blood Wings asks us to forget most of what we know in relation to everyone's favorite vengeance demon.  There is a sepia-toned prologue that introduces us to a deformed child.  Of course, the boy is unjustly killed, but is Pumpkinhead called forth?  Nope!  The old witch can't be bothered until she is badgered by "rebellious" teenagers thirty years later.

We learn that Pumpkinhead is the boy's father.  That raises so many questions, I can't even.  The witch's house burns down, but technically, it's her own fault.  Basically, nothing here is based on logic.  The hushed tragedy and forlorn grace of the first film is replaced with Andrew Robinson clunkily reciting a nursery rhyme.  Why is the coroner always at his house?  Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt myself with random questions, but these are things you're going to ponder while you wait for KNB's effects to pop up.  The cast is dreadful, aside from Ami Dolenz.  Poor Ami Dolenz.  Thankfully, Linnea Quigley's boobs make a cameo appearance.  We get a fantastic decapitation, but good luck caring about any of the characters.  Now, my rating may seem high after all of that bellyaching.  I can't help it.  I have a sentimental attachment to this flick, although if I saw it today for the first time, I wouldn't be nearly as forgiving.

Guilty pleasure?  Comfort watch?  Nostalgia?  I'm trying to find some way to rationalize the fact that I've seen Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings more than once.  Okay, maybe more than twice.

Woah...

I've had a miserable four days or so.  I've been dreadfully sick AND my computer went belly up.  Basically, I've been disconnected from the world, but I'm back now.  In addition, I'll be making a super cool, super random announcement soon...!

Blood Capsule #302

TIMESWEEP (1987)

This is my favorite type of Blood Capsule to write.  On some level, I enjoy writing all of them, but I particularly enjoy brushing the dust off of an obscure relic that hasn't found its way to Blu-ray.  I only learned of Timesweep recently, and I've never seen anyone bring it up before, whether online or in casual conversation.  Certainly, it's status as one of the last vestiges of VHS antiquity is befitting, as there is nothing casual about this thing.  I would put it somewhere between Spookies and Waxwork.  Calm yourself!  It's not as glorious as those films, but the similarities will be obvious once I unspool a synopsis.  A professor, his students, and a few other random tradesmen (carpenter, gaffer, etc.) convene at an abandoned studio.  We infer that it was used for TV and movie production, but it hasn't been in operation for decades.  Not long after entering, two ancillary characters are impaled by mystery ghouls.  It soon becomes obvious - and you're going to have to trust me here - that everyone is lost in time.

This is where Timesweep gets nutty.  Each room seems to be populated by different impediments (zombies, a phantom archer, a freakin' dinosaur) sent from different dimensions.  It's referred to as a "time shift," and somehow, there is more to it than I can rehash.  That probably sounds like a blurry headache, but it's actually fun trying to piece together.  I broached Waxwork because of the time travel gimmick.  Spookies...well, there are multiple monsters at play, although we never get a good look at what I'm assuming is a dinosaur.  I suppose it could be a were-lizard.  Or a Kool-Aid mascot.  Does Purplesaurus Rex have an alibi that would stand up to scrutiny?  I mentioned zombies earlier.  That's underselling it.  These are zombies from outer space, and yes, we get a glimpse of their spaceship.  How is Timesweep so obscure???  It wasn't even released on home video in the States.  Unreal.  Ah, but was it worth being released?  I'd say so.  The pacing is tight, and the death sequences are saturated with gore.

I'm not going to leave a link, but if you look for Timesweep on a major video-sharing website, you're going to find it.  Finders, keepers (at least until Vinegar Syndrome grabs it).

A bat-shaped blood stain...

Head on over to my Patreon to read the latest Blood Stain, a mini-capsule of 1946's Devil Bat's Daughter.  You'll also be granted early access to Blood Capsules.  If that wasn't enough, you would be helping the site.  Quite a bit, actually.  So what are you waiting for???

Blood Capsule #301

FRANKENSTEIN REBORN! (1998)

In the late 90's, Charles Band planned to make streamlined, teen-centric versions of classic monster mashes.  The idea was to send four into development, but only two got past the "concept art" stage.  I reviewed the other one - The Werewolf Reborn! - years ago.  If you can stomach my annoying writing style (eh, I tended to use profanity as a crutch), I'd say I gave the film a fair shake.  That's all I can promise to the creative team behind Frankenstein Reborn!, and wow, that exclamation point is already driving me nuts.  At any rate, this little trinket sports an in-house crew for Full Moon.  It was directed by David DeCoteau (under some wonky pseudonym, naturally) and written by Neil Marshall Stevens, a guy who has written...everything.  My expectations weren't exactly high, at least not as high as I probably needed to be in order to enjoy this viewing experience.  All jokes aside, Frankenstein Reborn! doesn't fall flat on its face.

That may not hit you with the same gravity as more conventional compliments, but I was impressed by this flick's ability to present itself as passable entertainment.  The story is easy to follow.  By the end of the first act (I considered using quotation marks there, as the running time barely sneezes over the 70-minute mark), the monster has jettisoned his bandages and escaped the laboratory.  Our main character is a sweet, gullible lass who attempts to befriend the grunting brute.  The make-up effects are strange.  We end up with something that resembles, um, try to imagine if Christopher Lee in The Curse of Frankenstein had a bratty teenaged son.  We do get plenty of spooky ambience.  Reborn! was shot in Romania and the settings are quite nice.  Look, this movie isn't going to change your life.  It certainly won't top any lists of the best Frankenstein adaptations of all time.  I'll recommend it to fans of the lesser titles in the Full Moon catalog.  So basically, I'm recommending it to myself.

Blood Capsule #300

BUG BUSTER (1998)

In Japan, Bug Buster was released as Aberration 2.  Let that sink in for a moment.  As I sit here, I'm undecided on a Z'Dar rating (that usually comes last), but dear God, this was at least better than Aberration.  The contents of my liver are better than Aberration.  I can honestly say that for a straight-to-video jobby that I don't ever remember seeing at the local video store, Bug Buster was acceptable entertainment.  Katherine Heigl (!?) stars as a teenager whose family has just moved to the quaint town of - erm, don't make me look it up.  Oh, Mountview!  The quaint town of Mountview!  I only know that because I happen to live in a town called Mountain View.  The film's credits assure me that the events depicted are entirely fictional, and that any resemblance to living people or places is purely coincidental.  That's a weight off my back, let me tell you.  So dead bodies.  They are piling up, and cockroach larvae are found in every corpse.  Obviously, George Takei - the scientist - steps in to determine that these roaches are unlike any that came before.

That was a haphazard synopsis, but I think you get the picture.  What you may not know is that there is a "mother bug" that squares off against Randy Quaid.  This was right before he lost his everloving mind.  His campy performance (dude goes way over the top) stands in opposition, almost antithetically, to the rest of Bug Buster.  Everything is played straight.  Quaid doesn't barrel his way through the script until the third act.  If I weren't in such a jocular mood, I would complain about the uneven tone.  But!  It kinda works.  We get a decent amount of gruesome make-up effects, and thankfully, digital chicanery is kept to a minimum.  Until the end.  But!  I'm being awfully forgiving today, aren't I?  Perhaps I'm a little blown away that I located another creature feature from the 90's that basically hasn't been seen by human eyes.  For what it's worth, it's what I do.  Three Z'Dars?  Recommended to fans of Katherine Heigl's "no nudity" clause in her contract.

My first impressions of the new Steven Wilson album...

I haven't really been into the last couple of Steven Wilson albums.  Progressive pop is just not for me.  He certainly doesn't owe anything to the heavier music community, his ties to metal being tenuous at best.  Still, when I heard that The Overview was a return to prog rock, my ears perked up.  After one listen through (and it only takes one listen to know if something is anywhere near your paddle box), I dig it.  It's as proggy as the day is long.  In fact, it might be too proggy.  I'm not against repeating a chorus here and there.  But that's trivial speak.  The lyrical focus on space exploration is so very Steven Wilson.  The Overview is comprised of two protracted movements, much like Blood Incantation's Absolute Elsewhere.  Actually, both albums could be seen as companion pieces.  Different moons within the same orbit?  Yeah, that sounds deceptively intellectual.  Heh, I just summed up this entire website.  Deceptively intellectual dot com.

I should caution fans of concept albums such as Hand. Cannot. Erase. and The Raven That Refused to Sing.  This doesn't seem to loiter in that stratosphere.  Okay, I'm running out of space words.  The Overview is groovy.  Full stop.

Blood Capsule #299

BODY PUZZLE (1992)

I've always been curious about Lamberto Bava's post-Demons filmography.  Now that I've seen Body Puzzle, I'm a little less curious.  Cue the laugh track.  Actually, this isn't a bad stab at...the giallo?  I'm not sure which subgenre this film falls under, but it could be compared to Argento's late 80's/early 90's work.  This is no murder mystery, however.  We're immediately introduced to the killer, an ardent classical music aficionado who seems to be targeting organ donor recipients.  Was that a spoiler?  Eh.  The script doesn't treat any of its plot twists with sanctity, so I think I'm in the clear.  We follow a widow who seriously needs some form of home security.  She has a sizeable dog, but whenever it barks, she just tells it to calm down.  If she listened to her dog, well, I suppose we wouldn't have much of a movie here.  I don't have much of a review here.  Let's find out if the second paragraph is more interesting.

Nope!  Body Puzzle is competent.  If it were a masterpiece, I would say that it anticipated the maudlin trail of "serial killer" flicks that cropped up in the wake of Se7en.  Instead, I'll say that it doesn't hold a candle to Demons.  What does?  Three Z'Dars because it's well-shot, although I'm peeved at the third act for flaking out on a potentially cool Frankenstein angle.

My Incantation deep dive...

I don't know what form this piece will take, if you could even call it a piece.  But lately, I've been on a serious Incantation kick.  Dead serious.  I've always enjoyed the band.  I distinctly remember loving 2014's Dirges of Elysium when it came out (more on this banger later).  For whatever reason, I delayed my "deep dive" into their discography until, well, 2025.  Please note that this particular dive is still a work in progress.  My Incantation opinions are still being formed, although obviously, there are albums I dig more than others.  I haven't even heard 2006's Primordial Domination yet.  Some, like 2002's Blasphemy, I've only skimmed on a superficial level.  So let's move on.

Way, way back in 2009, I reviewed 1994's Mortal Throne of Nazarene.  Man, I was just teething.  You can search for it if you want, but hell no, I'm not hyperlinking you to it.  Forget that.  As of this moment, my favorite Incantation long player is 2000's The Infernal Storm.  I love the extra layers of technicality, and of course, the jagged riffs.  My favorite Incantation track is "Carrion Prophecy," which can be found on Dirges of Elysium.  Dude, that might be one of the heaviest songs in the known world.  It's gigantic.  Random observation, but 2012's Vanquish in Vengeance is totally underrated.  It had to be said.

I realize that I haven't typed much about Incantation's vaunted 90's output.  I didn't think I needed to sell it, but if you haven't jammed 1992's Onward to Golgotha, do it right now.

A word on "caverncore," if I may.  First off, that's a ridiculous name for a subgenre.  Secondly, I postulate that most of the bands who embrace a dissonant sound (and there are too many to list here) don't quite grasp what makes Incantation rule.  The influence is there, but Incantation is more than just a flurry of dissonant notes.  There are hooks.  Stop/start dynamics.  RIFFS.  Sometimes, it seems that these bands take a stab at aping the Portal formula, but Portal is never factored into the "caverncore" discussion.  For the life (or death) of me, I don't know why.

For the record, I'm a fan of a few of the disso-death bands that clearly look up to Incantation (and Immolation, for that matter).  Cruciamentum, Father Befouled, and Dead Congregation are all rock solid.  There are more I could name, but you get the point.  Wait, what is my point?  Go listen to Incantation, especially if you're under 30 years of age.  You need all the education you can get, sonny.

Blood Capsule #298

DESERT SHADOWS (2022)

In my review of Witchboard 2: The Devil's Doorway (I promise this is relevant), I made a random David Coverdale joke.  Never in my weirdest dreams did I think that I would one day encounter a monster movie that credited Coverdale as a voice actor, but here we are.  I swear to God.  After doing some lightweight legwork, I found out that director Tyler Bourns manned the camera for a handful of Whitesnake videos.  I can't even.  Here, Coverdale is responsible for high-pitched creature shrieks, but you would never know it was him.  Why was he hired???  I've heard of filmmakers creating roles with certain actors in mind.  That happens.  This...this doesn't happen.  But what do we make of Desert Shadows, you may ask?  At the risk of sounding sentimental, I took a gamble on this flick in the spirit of nostalgia.  Y'know, back in the day, it was common to rent something just because it had a cool cover.  I didn't have to spend four dollars on this b-debris (thank you, Tubi), so I'd say I came out on top.

Donnie's brother is snatched by a quadrupedal demon in the middle of the desert.  What is this fiend, and what does a demure college professor know about it?  The professor is played by Mitch Pileggi, which will intrigue fans of The X-Files.  I'm one of those fans, and I'll admit that he adds a touch of class to the cast.  He's basically in Skinner mode, only a tad more hostile.  I'm resisting the urge to spoil story beats.  The film gets a respectable amount of mileage out of very little, and no, we don't see much of the actual monster.  The ending is exceedingly underwhelming.  On the upside, there is plenty of pointless nudity.  How pointless?  It's on the same wavelength as the inclusion of David Coverdale, if that tells you anything.  Decent gore effects nudge Desert Shadows into 3-Z'Dar territory.  Recommended to fans of the high note in "Here I Go Again."

Selling comics on eBay...

Click HERE, yo.  This is a trial run.  If these books sell, I will probably sell more comics in the future.  I have a metric ton of horror titles and I need to make room for...um, more.

Blood Capsule #297

REVENGE OF THE STEPFORD WIVES (1980)

We may as well end Random Sequel Month (part two) with a made-for-TV flick.  A couple of weeks back, I decided to sit down with 1975's The Stepford Wives, which I had never seen.  I was honestly impressed.  It's a dour quasi-mystery with staid 70's sensibilities all over the place.  I lucked into a copy of Revenge of the Stepford Wives, and considering the hooky concept, I figured this would be a trite retelling of the original.  I was right.  And wrong.  The plot is familiar in that there are plenty of creepy housewives who are way too invested in household appliances, but the facade of the town is at least punctured in a different way.  A reporter checks into a motel with the assignment of doing a story on the idyllic Stepford.  We know what she's going to find, and that's okay.  Sharon Gless is agreeable as our journalist-turned-gumshoe.  She befriends an amiable gal who is new to Stepford herself.  The gal is played by Julie Kavner.

Does that name ring a bell?  The whole time I was watching, I kept thinking that I recognized her voice.  Turns out, she's Marge Simpson.  D'oh!  Again, expectations are subverted, as director Robert Fuest manages to wring some suspense out of a vanilla set-up.  Speaking of vanilla, Revenge looks like a made-for-TV movie.  Eh, it is what it is.  That's true, y'know.  It is what it is, and you can't tell me it isn't.  Random trivia!  Two more sequels followed.  That isn't really trivia, but it was trivial enough to mention.  It's no surprise that Fuest pulled convincing performances out of his actors.  He wrangled Vincent Price for both of the Dr. Phibes films.  This is a solid escapade if you don't need bells and whistles with your spooky entertainment.  That does it for me.  I'm worn to a frazzle on account of shepherding a sequel to Random Sequel Month.  You'll have to tune in to find out if I make this a trilogy.

Happy Memorial Day?

How hot is Stephanie Vaquer???  Don't spoil NXT's PLE from yesterday for me.  I plan on watching it this evening.  There has been a ton of wrestling to watch lately.  You may have noticed a slight dip of wrestling content on ye olde site in the past month or so.  That's halfway intentional, as I wanted to concentrate more on movies and music.  Which brings me to my next point of interest...Random Sequel Month is almost over.  I have an idea for another "theme" month, but I'm not ready to announce it yet.  Stay tuned!

Blood Capsule #296

THE FLY II (1989)

That damn dog scene.  Man, it's even worse when you know it's coming up and you just dread it.  No amount of mental fast-forwarding will prepare you for that level of second-hand suffering, but once you get past the discomfort (it sounds like I'm describing a date with me), there is an above-average sci-fi/horror treat to watch.  It may be an unwritten law that you're supposed to prefer David Cronenberg's The Fly to its inferior sequel, but I think I enjoy them both equitably.  Of course, I'm not going to go out on a (phantom) limb and say that it's the better product.  It's probably not.  But!  The payoff is so rewarding.  Before we get there, allow me to bring you up to speed.  Veronica (Geena Davis in the first film) dies giving birth to a cocoon named Martin.  The Brundlekin is raised in a laboratory setting.  He ages rapidly, and by the time he's five, he looks old enough to drink.  He resents his clinically monitored lifestyle, so for his birthday, his father figure gifts him an apartment.

It's not the apartment that Martin wanted; it's the privacy.  And for awhile, it seems that his wish has been granted.  The viewer knows better, though.  Whether or not you have a nefarious corporation on your bingo card, Martin is about to add "thorax day" to his workout regimen.  I mentioned the payoff earlier.  A little past the hour mark, The Fly II hits the gonzo button and becomes a gooey nightmare that revels in its practical special effects.  It might be gorier than its predecessor, and if what I'm reading is true (as we all know, there is no reason to doubt the Internet), the studio wasn't forced to make egregious cuts to avoid an X rating.  Eric Stoltz is affable as Martin.  Daphne Zuniga fares well as the cute girlfriend.  I didn't notice the fact that the running time sailed past 100 minutes, so that's another check in the "pro" column.  Yeah, I'd call The Fly II a rousing success.  Recommended for fans of maggots and mandibles.

Gruesome!

So Gruesome is gearing up to release a new album.  Hopefully, you already know this, but Gruesome is a "Death worship" band featuring Matt Harvey of Exhumed fame.  For the most part, their music has been written in the style of early Death, which means that for Silent Echoes, they're up to Human.  I'm wondering if they will also attempt to mimic Symbolic and The Sound of Perseverance.  That would rule.  I get that the appeal of these types of acts is limited, but what's the difference between Gruesome doing what they do and some other band simply ripping off Death?  I'll tell you; the difference is that Gruesome is being honest about it.  Besides, Chuck Schuldiner was taken from us waaaaay too soon.  More metal in the vein of Death - from any era - can't be a bad thing.  It just can't.

Blood Capsule #295

SPECIES II (1998)

Has it been seven years since I reviewed Species already?  I can't stand reading my old reviews, but I'm assuming that I spoke highly of it.  It was made during a magical time called the "mid-90's."  I keep threatening to write a book about my favorite decade, and maybe one day, I will.  There was a juncture where big-budget b-movies were squirming their way into wide theatrical releases.  This flick was the last of its kind (for awhile anyway).  Speaking of budgets, Species II commanded expenses north of $35 million, the same amount of money that was spent on Species.  Unlike its predecessor, however, it didn't recoup that money.  Horror was booming at the time, but moviegoers were more interested in killers wearing masks.  Of course, Teenaged Dom had fun with this sci-fi/horror mongrel, and I'm happy to report that for the most part, the years have been kind to Sil/Eve.

Astronauts have returned from Mars.  Unfortunately, they have brought something back with them, something with tentacles.  In terms of monsters, Species II is a double whammy, as Eve (Sil's clone) sees her vitals go haywire when she is clairvoyantly connected to Patrick.  I must admit, I dug the design of our male counterpart, even if the CGI is erratic.  The R rating is pushed to its limits.  Species II outstrips the original where blood and boobs are concerned...quite literally!  It's hard not to be entertained by the sheer audacity of it all.  On the downside, the film is visually plain.  And we don't have many core protagonists to anchor the conflict.  Michael Madsen practically sleepwalks through this thing, although you can't blame him.  I could have used more Natasha Henstridge.  As a general rule, I could always use more Natasha Henstridge.  Two sequels followed, both premiering on television.  I don't comprehend MGM's intentions here.  I mean, why bother?

Recommended to fans of Phantoms, The Faculty, and Ghosts of Mars.  Because Natasha Henstridge.

My thoughts on Final Destination: Bloodlines...

So that was really, really good.  I must confess, I'm not a die-hard fan of this series.  I recently reviewed (and quite liked) the original, but aside from having a thing for A.J. Cook, I could take or leave the sequels.  I don't even think I bothered watching 2011's Final Destination 5.  It is with some consternation then that I hereby decree Bloodlines to be the best of the bunch.  If you're only watching for brutal gore, which I completely understand, it definitely ups the ante.  I mean, it drives the ante into your skull and splits your spinal column into two distinct pieces.  And then it sets the ante on fire.  Seriously, the death sequences are...advanced?  At one point, a couple of characters in the film are seen enjoying a game of Mortal Kombat.  Yeah, that's appropriate.  I almost expected to see the word "FATALITY" pop up on-screen after the bit with the garbage truck.  Sweet Lord.

I realize that I'm only talking about the, um, finality of Bloodlines, but everything else is up to snuff.  I dug most of the cast, even if one or two of the side players came off as cursory.  That's bound to happen with these flicks.  Can I just say that Tony Todd's scene is incredible?  Geez.  I don't have many heartstrings to pull, but I don't mind sharing that I very nearly choked up.  Okay, I did choke up.  On the whole, I had a blast with Final Destination: Bloodlines.  My only real complaint is cosmetic.  No opening titles?  That's a modern trend I could do without.  Destiny prevails, I suppose.