The High Ate Us

I've been thinking a lot about...life. lolz  Life, maaaaaan.  Time and how it's perceived.  That doesn't make a lick of sense, but basically, I need to work on other stuff.  Non-website stuff.  You know where this is going.  I hesitate to use the word "'hiatus" because that implies that I'll be back at some point.  And I might!  I don't want to scare anyone, but I'm fucking 33 years old.  That's human years!  I need to switch shit up.  If I do decide to come back for the fifth time, I'll let people know.  I'll let you know, bro!


Album Cover of the Whatever

What happens when you can't find the comic book you wanted to review?  Album cover of the whatever, baby!  Count yourself lucky.  I'll keep looking.  That comic is guaranteed to be a slam dunk.  But hey, this is a pretty good album.  The band is Unreqvited (sic) and the album is Stars Wept to the Sea.  It's (mostly) relaxing post-metal with an omnipresent blackness.  I don't know exactly what is happening on the cover, but if the title is prognostic, those are stars weeping...y'know, to the sea.  All I know is that I adore the base color.  I'm positive that "base color" is a hair styling term, but fuck it.  I'm too metal to care!



Rewatching this 90's favorite, I nearly choked on my dry roasted edamame (they were just peanuts) when I realized that Young Sil was played by Michelle Williams.  She was so cute!  So I have personal history with Species.  Seven years ago (!), I reviewed the film's comic book tie-in.  You can read that HERE, but be forewarned, I basically review the movie in the first paragraph.  Er, read this first.  Yeah.  Keep in mind, I read the four-issue comic series before seeing the motion picture.  I was deep in the throes of puberty upon my initial viewing of Species, so it was a flustering experience.  Stupid cock contractions.  I do remember liking the finished product.

Let's get this out of the way.  Natasha Henstridge was a firm 20 years old when she shot this thing.  It was her first acting gig!  Fresh out of the wrapper and all that.  She is a sweltering smokeshow, and due to the convenient skullduggery of the storyline, she spends a disproportionate (or proportionate, depending on how you look at it) amount of screen time either topless or naked.  That is not a complaint.  The feminist chunk of my brain is all, "Bitch, please."  The other chunks find Species to be a rather watchable update of Lifeforce.  Oh, and I enjoy boobs.  Sil could be seen as a feminist villain who goes after what she wants without any regard for men.  Of course, she also rips out the spine of a club chick.  That tends to disrupt the metaphor.

Positives!  Director Roger Donaldson brings a steady hand to the proceedings.  The plum, comfortable budget ensures that everything looks gorgeous.  Man, those opening credits are a sci-fi fanatic's nocturnal emission.  It's clear that MGM wanted this to be a success on the level of Alien.  They even deputized the talents of the late, great H.R. Giger to design their creature.  I dig Sil, but they pissed on her with dated CGI.  Even in 1995, it didn't look convincing.  The non-digital effects rawk, and there are gallons of gore to go around.  Speaking of Night of the Seagulls, it's my top entry in the Blind Dead saga.  Speaking of Chucky Voorhees, that ain't no river!

Sometimes, my marbles trip over themselves.  People get hurt.  The acting is passable, although I doubt that anyone knew why they were in this popcorn collage.  Forest Whitaker tries like hell to carry depth as Dan, an empath who knows which way Sil went.  I really don't think that screenwriter Dennis Feldman knows or understands the capabilities of an empath.  As a matter of fact, I sniffed out boxcars of plot holes.  They didn't bother me much as a teenager, and they still don't.  Species isn't the type of scare flick that is decided by nuance.  It's a fun, fast-paced grotesquery that feels like an R-rated episode of The X-Files.  Robert Z'Dar says, "Titties!"


Go Raptors!

I don't know how many times I've mentioned it (perhaps zero), but I'm an NBA fan.  The playoffs start tomorrow, and unlike most years, the winners won't be obvious.  An upset in the first round is practically guaranteed.  But who will be upset?  And in which conference?  As it relates to basketball, I follow three teams.  My local pick (Charlotte Hornets), my biased pick (Toronto Raptors...I've just always liked them) and my bandwagon pick (Golden State Warriors).  C'mon, we all have a popular team that we don't regard with contempt.  Plus, Steph Curry is a die-hard fan of my Carolina Panthers.

In the first round, the Raptors contend with a nervy, tenacious Wizards squad.  John Wall and Bradley Beal are nothing to scoff at, and in point, these two teams split their season series.  Did I mention that Toronto is the #1 seed in the East and that Washington is the #8 seed?  If you follow pro hoops, you already know this stuff.  I bring it up to underscore the fact that this kind of upset (#8 trouncing #1) has happened quite a few times.  I admit, I'm jittery.  Toronto's legacy reeks of inconsistency, but this is the best crew of carnivorous bipedal dinosaurs ever assembled.  Literally!  Their regular season tally of 59 wins is a franchise record, and head coach Duane Casey (my vote for Coach of the Year), thoroughly reshuffled the offensive M.O. to mirror that of the defending champions - the Golden State Warriors!

And I'm only talking about one series.  Out of eight.  They will all be worth watching, sweetie pie.  Don't worry; I'll get back to reviewing horror films next week.  Had to get this out of my system.  Go Checkers!


Wrestlemania 34 Part II

Let's finish this bitch!

7) D-Bry and Shane/Owens and Zayn ~ We saw a controlled burst of Daniel Bryan's offense on Smackdown, but this was his first match in three years.  Let me tell you, he went full-bore and it was obvious that he was having a fucking blast.  I had a blast, too!  It felt like watching a happy puppy playing in the snow.  Slushy simile, but c'mon.  This was feelgood wrestling.

8) Nia/Alexa For The Raw Women's Championship ~ Storytelling was paramount here.  Honestly, I can't recall many moves or sequences from the contest (trying not to use "match" a billion times), but that wasn't the point.  I did like the terse levity early on when both participants screamed simultaneously.  Alexa's slasher-worthy shriek elicited audible laughter from those in attendance.

9) Styles/Nakamura For The WWE Championship ~ Oh, baby.  This was the fight that I was looking forward to the most.  It was...alright.  Before I grill the meat, how about Nita Strauss jamming on Nakamura's entrance theme?  She rocked it!  Yes, I'm a fan.  So the match brought intense action and a sick heel turn, but for whatever reason, I wasn't feelin' it.  Things never went to that next level.  I'm not explaining myself very well.  One obstacle was the limitation on time (otherwise known as a "time limit").  Not the wrestlers' fault, but dude, it's fucking Wrestlemania.  Why not let them go for a half-hour?  Vince doesn't seem to understand the significance of a match's length.  I'm a stickler for that shit.  On the upside, we'll get more matches out of these two gentlemen.  Bring it, I say!

10) Braun and Nicholas/The Bar ~ I can see the reasoning behind plunking a lighter scuffle in between your main events, but I'm not sure how I feel about brushing The Bar to the side and devalorizing the Raw tag titles.  I'm conflicted.  Hemming and hawing.  Wishy AND washy.  Hey, I'll ease off.  Nicholas is a cute kid, and that's a memory that will never fade from his mental laundry.

11) Lesnar/Reigns For The WWE Universal Championship ~ Yeah, I didn't give a flapping fuck.  The crowd tuned out almost immediately.  No amount of blood (and it was actually too much) was going to change my mind.  Overall, this was a gratifying PPV, so it's a shame that it had to end with a galumph.

I didn't cover the pre-show, but it was adequate.  The women's battle royal was terrible, the cruiserweights were typical (I dug the gymnastics and Mustafa Ali's Max Moon-esque gear) and I missed the Andre the Giant battle royal, though I'm pleased with the results.  Billy goats urinate on their own heads to smell more attractive to females.  Bye!


Wrestlemania 34 Part I

First of all, NXT Takeover: New Orleans was flippin' awesome.  The entire card.  I wanted to get that out of the way before attempting to break down Wrestlemania (yes, I waited until I digested Raw).  Now, where is my silverware?

1) Rollins/Miz/Balor For The Intercontinental Championship ~ A logical choice to open the main show, as it bristled with pluck and vivacity.  In other words, it was energetic.  I have a feeling that were it not for the arrival of Monroe Sky Mizanin, The Miz would have retained and broken Pedro Morales's record for most combined days as IC champ.

2) Charlotte/Asuka For The Smackdown Women's Championship ~ I have given it thought, and I believe that this was the best match of the night.  Should it have been longer?  Yeah.  However, all that these two ladies could do was maximize the minutes in front of them.  They did.  Everything was clean and I can't remember any wasted motion.  Asuka is a polished veteran, while Charlotte's progress from where she was just five years ago is nothing short of remarkable.  Hopefully, this wasn't the last tussle between The Queen and The Empress.  They have SERIOUS chemistry.

3) Jinder/Randy/Bobby/Rusev For The United States Championship ~ There are a few matches here that I had zero investment in tailgating on the road to Wrasslemania.  I'm afraid that this is one of them.  Also, I'm not convinced that the winner wasn't chosen with a dart.  Orton?  I haven't cared about him since 2010.  Roode is fine, but he should never have lost the title.  Rusev has "Rusev Day."  Big deal.  I give this bland bout a Meltzer rating of piss out of shit.

4) Angle and Rousey/Triple H and Stephanie ~ This was way more fun than I was expecting.  That's, in part, due to all of the parties playing their roles to a T.  Say what you will about Trips and Steph, but they know how to be heels.  Plus, it's obvious that Ronda is committed to the craft.  I can't wait to see who she faces at next year's Mania.  How scorching hot did she look in that skirt?

5) The Bludgeon Brothers/The Usos/The New Day For The Smackdown Tag Team Championships ~ God, that's a lot of words.  Invariably, one (or two) of the title matches was going to be pared down, but I'm fine with it.  This fracas didn't need to stretch beyond five minutes.  The Bludgeon Brothers should have been booked this way in their days as Wyatt bondservants.  Better late than never?

6) The Undertaker/John Cena ~ I was against the "build-up" of this match from the jump.  Yeah, I know they'll eventually have to sell a major PPV without either icon, but I don't care.  John Cena cutting promos all by his lonesome for four straight weeks makes for shitty television, even if they were solid promos.  And yet, the match itself put a dense, doltish smile on my face.  It was essentially a classic Superstars showcase from 1992 where 'Taker squashed Cena.  How can I be peeved at that?  I sincerely hope that it was The Phenom's coda.  As a (huge) fan, I want closure.

Hmm, closure.  I'm going to hold off on giving you closure.  It struck me that Smackdown is tonight and the next match on the WM card involves a certain Goat Man.  I'll finish this tomorrow, yo.


Sex with Satan?

It occurred to me that it's been a tiny while since I've posted something, so...um, here's an episode of Tales From the Crypt starring Morton Downey Jr.  An early instance of "found footage" terror, only it's actually creepy in patches.  Boo!


Blood Capsule #88


There are too many Bigfoot flicks out there.  Way, way too many.  Demonwarp gives prominence to a Bigfoot-esque creature, but this isn't your stock, customary Bigfoot flick.  It's...different.  If you plan on seeing Demonwarp in the near future, skip this capsule.  I really need to spoil the shit out of it to make a case for it.  Okay?  Okay.  A spaceship crashes in the forest.  The lead alien (a demon with a scorpion tail) tyrannizes his underlings (rotting zombies) until they mend the identified flying object.  What if a person waltzes into the hollow where the ship resides?  Well, the lead alien injects a fluid into the victim (via scorpion tail) that turns the bastard into a sasquatch.

Let's recap.  Aliens, zombies, a cool cryptid...and those are just the topliners.  We also get boobs and a laughable cult sacrifice on a set built with cardstock.  It's fantastic!  I'm thumbing my nose at the production quality, but the practical effects are impressive.  All of the monsters look swell.  Isn't that what's most important?  Look, I'm not going to bore you by mentioning dinky snags (the superfluous daylight is a buzzkill) or detailing performance minutiae (George Kennedy is very George Kennedy).  Demonwarp is a badass b-movie.  Period.  The second act slumps a speck, but who cares?  What's your man got to do with me?  I'm not tryin' to hear that, see?