Blood Capsule #192

BLOOD DOLLS (1999)

I probably shouldn't have attempted to watch Blood Dolls last night.  For one thing, it's Blood Dolls (more on that later).  Secondly, my brain was in the process of shutting down during the opening credits.  I was just way too sleepy.  For whatever ungodly reason, I soldiered on, so I'm not 100% sure that I didn't dream this movie.  Not only was I staving off intermittent bouts of encephalitis lethargica, but this flick is also seriously loopy.  Being a Full Moon artifact, it was written and directed by Charles Band.  You'd think that I would be impervious to his brand of singular quirk by now.  But no, I'm struggling to describe this...what is this anyway?  Was it necessary for Band to take another pass at the much-lampooned "killer doll" subgenre?  I suppose I should be thankful that I never have to sit through Retro Blood Dolls or Dollman vs. Blood Dolls.  As if!

Okay, the plot.  Hold onto something.  An eccentric billionaire has found a way - through what kind of gnarled alchemy, I couldn't even begin to guess - to kidnap his enemies and transform them into literal dolls.  There is something about an antitrust lawsuit, but the particulars are neither germane nor do I care to remember them.  So this billionaire.  He wears a comically large Halloween mask, he domineers over two servants (one dwarf, one clown), and he has his own house band.  By the way, it's an all-girl group that he keeps in a cage.  Y'know, the more I write about Blood Dolls, the more credence I give to the theory that I simply dreamed it up.  To add insult to injury, it's not explicitly entertaining.  We do get some mild gore.  Meh.  Like I said, it's Blood Dolls.  I need to take a nap.

Album Cover of the Whatever

To be honest, I wasn't particularly enthused by Anima Hereticae's Descended from the Mountains on a musical level, but look at that cover.  Geez.

Blood Sugar Sex Aliens

Did you know that Flea starred as an alien in 1987's Stranded?  Because man, I didn't until I watched and reviewed it for the book.  Speaking of which, would you like to know which movies I'm reviewing exclusively for the book?  Assuming you responded in the affirmative, I'll post a list of book-only reviews...soon.  Ish.  Yeah, soon-ish.  Maybe in May.  There aren't that many, but I did go to the effort of writing them, so there.

For the record, my favorite Chili Pepper dish is Californication.  And One Hot Minute is underrated.

#@^#%

DO NOT watch 2001's A Crack in the Floor.  Dear God in heaven, it's dreadful.  It pissed me off so much, I'm not even going to review it.  Ordinarily, I would, but no.  I'm reclaiming my life.  #@^#% this movie.  You see all this black space beneath the text?  You're better off staring at it for 90 minutes.  Okay, I've typed too much.  End of.

It's time for another contest!

Boom!  Contest announcement!  Just like that.  And this one is super easy.  All you have to do to enter is join the Facebook Fan Club (it's similar in spirit to the Burger King Kids Club).  There will be a random drawing in two weeks.  The winner will receive a RANDOM REVIEWS CARE PACKAGE!!!  Yes, all caps was a bold choice, but the package will include...

3 Movies (VHS or DVD, maybe both)

2 Comic Books

2 Old Horror Magazines

1 Pack of Super Cool Trading Cards

Probably Candy

And who knows what else I might toss in there!?  I'm thinking of doing this every four months, so be sure to join the Fan Club so you don't miss out in August and December.  U.S. residents only!

Blood Capsule #191

ISLAND OF TERROR (1966)

I have a nagging headache, but I simply must tell you about this daffy sci-fi/horror cakewalk.  Island of Terror pits Peter Cushing against a roving band of silicates.  What are silicates?  They are amoeboid (that's a word, I swear) lifeforms that feed on calcium.  In essence, they drink your bones and leave you a ropy mess of flesh.  It's a fairly brutal death, and I have to heap praises on the special effects department for devising charmingly grotesque models of the jelly-like victims.  Needless to say, the film has a grim tone.  I would comment on the cast, but aside from Cushing, no one really stands out.  I'm not complaining, mind you.  Island of Terror is a bit of an ensemble picture, and as such, a few of the faces are interchangeable.  Likewise, a few of the accents are unintelligible.

For those interested, our amorphous antagonists were created in a laboratory to eat cancer cells.  At times, I was reminded of The Green Slime.  Regrettably, the silicates do not come equipped with their own theme song.  This flick was directed by the ever-dependable Terence Fisher.  Sandwiched in between Frankenstein Created Woman and Dracula: Prince of Darkness, it has the feel of a lost Hammer production.  The pace is rather prompt, save for a dead spot here and there. For example, I don't think we needed lingering shots of the scientists slipping into full-body condoms...I mean, radiation suits.  But hey, it is what it is.  Recommended to fans of bread pudding.

Rassle Inn #49

Well, that was entertaining.  I watched the second night of Wrestlemania 40 with a friend, and we both agreed that it felt like the ending of an epic, grandiose movie.  There were cameos, loose ends were tied up, and of course, we got the satisfaction of seeing the forces of good prevail over the forces of evil.  I want to make one thing clear, however.  This could have happened at last year's Wrestlemania.  The delay was ultimately pointless, and plus, that would have freed them up to chase after Rock vs. Roman (not to mention the fact that people would have embraced it, too).

I'm not trying to be the sole voice of dissension just for the sake of negativity.  But!  The words of a wise man (no, not that wise man) are ringing in my ears on a busy, percolating Monday afternoon.  After Wrestlemania 39 had ended with a whimper, he offered the following: "Just picture over 80,000 frenzied fans waiting for the moment - the tacit permission given by storytelling - to explode into a quasar of cheers, only to be socked in the gut and left flat."  That's what happened last year, and no one can convince me that it was the right move to make.  That's old news, though.  Let's enjoy Cody's run with the belt, even if it only lasts for a couple months.

The rest of Wrestlemania 40 was rock solid.  Jey Uso superkicking the piss out of his brother was really the only weak spot.  We bore witness to El Generico's finisher.  Bayley's redemption arc came full circle.  The Undertaker chokeslammed The Rock...!  Yeah, I'd say it was a fun show.  As a sidenote, be sure to watch the Bray Wyatt documentary that premiered on Peacock.  It's a tough sit (emotionally speaking), but it's definitely worth your two-hour investment.  I guess that's all I have to say.  I suppose I could comment on Tony Khan's latest ratings ploy.  Nah, I'll save it for a future installment of Rassle Inn.

Raw starts soon.  Now that will be interesting.

Blood Capsule #190

ARACHNIA (2003)

If I wasn't such a forgiving horror freak, I would start this review by referring to Brett Piper as a joke of all trades.  Only one problem with that assessment...this dude is no joke.  Shame on the carping critics over on IMDb.  If you weren't privy, Piper wrote and directed Arachnia.  In addition, he spearheaded the special effects department, a weighty task undertaken on nearly all of his films.  Color me impressed.  He isn't the first artisan to wear multiple hats on the set of a b-circus, but he may have been the first to utilize stop-motion animation when it would have been easier (not to mention more cost-effective) to take the rubbery route.  I often wish my parents would have taken the rubbery route.  Hey-o!  Here is the synopsis you ordered.  Actually, now would be a good time for a paragraph break.

Still with me?  So a plane goes down amidst a flurry of meteorites.  The survivors of the crash hole up in a deserted house adjacent to a cowshed of sorts.  The owner of the property has a gun and a well-preserved spider corpse.  Those two things are not related, but I should mention that the spider is the size of a tractor.  Our cast of characters - a professor and his students - theorize that the meteor shower may have awakened a whole host of these varmints.  The death sequences are fantastic.  Doltish dialogue will try your nerves, but when the fit hits the shan, watch out.  I have to tip my typing wand to Piper, mainly for throwing in the most random lesbian sex scene in the history of mankind.  Those two girls.  I don't know their names, but...yeah, they're talented.  Anyway, Arachnia is splendid.  I need to apprehend the rest of Brett Piper's filmography.

FACTOID: 74% of alien spiders turn to a life of crime.  It's sad, really.