Don't watch this match. Don't even read this column. I have unearthed a new low. Ladies and gentleman, your complaints about Sunday's Survivor Series may be valid, but at least the card wasn't blighted by this mishap. From 2005's Survivor Series, I present Eric Bischoff versus Theodore Long. Jesus goddamn Christ. It doesn't take long for the "boring" chants to ensue. I don't know the storyline leading up to this melee, and I don't want to know. It wouldn't make a difference anyway. Cripes, what am I doing with my life? Was I put on this planet to watch Bischoff apply the weakest rear-naked choke in the history of feigned combat? Is this part of God's plan?
So after five minutes of cock-and-ball torture, The Boogeyman appears. I shit you not. Why the fucking Boogeyman? Because...um, he was comin' to get Bischoff. For some reason. In my veridical opinion, this tripe outpaces the debut of The Gobbledy Gooker as the most insulting moment from any Survivor Series. I will concede that random Boogeyman sightings would drastically improve WWE's television product.