Sometimes, I enjoy writing movie reviews. Sometimes, I don't. Certain films make the process more laborious than it needs to be. Take Demon Queen, for instance. I dread spending an hour expounding on its panoptic atrocity, but for some ungodly reason, I decided long ago that this website would be updated daily. And I have nothing else to write about. Jesus, why me? Pity me, dear reader. Hold my hand with succor in your eyes as I muster the strength to slobber four paragraphs onto my keyboard. Check my pulse regularly. I have a feeling that it will fade halfway through, but I'll do my best to conserve my puissance. Heh, puissance. What a stupid fucking word.
Okay, so why am I in such a pissy mood? I wanted to dig Demon Queen. It's a shot-on-video cheapie from 1986 that has eluded digital media for over a decade. Earlier this year, Massacre Video (an underground distribution company that re-releases obscure shockers on both DVD and VHS) rolled out a swank version of Donald Farmer's lascivious debut, but you still won't be able to find it on Amazon. It may never be widely available. If you don't get a chance to own a copy, don't worry yourself into a conniption fit. From where I stand, you're not missing an imponderable showpiece. Demon Queen is a 53-minute farrago of shoddy editing and tedious dream sequences. "But Dom, it's low-budget." No, no, no, no, no...you don't understand.
Several shots linger for WAY too long, the audio drops out and the credits are glutted with typographical errors. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's poor spealling. In all fairness, Farmer was smart enough to keep the running time at bay. The "plot" follows Lucinda, a succubus who tantalizes men and kills them after coitus. She inexplicably fixates on a drug dealer and crashes on his couch. Where did she live before she met this dude? I don't know. Anyway, Lucinda's bite victims (yes, bite victims; demons are vampires, I guess) return as melting zombies. How? Again, I don't know.
We are canonized with a couple of bright spots. The special effects are quite convincing, and the last five minutes feel like they were extracted from an honest-to-Satan horror film. I'm a sucker for tacky lighting. Plus, I'd be a bold-faced liar if I said that Mary Fanaro didn't give a poised, hypnotic performance as the titular archfiend. She's a real actress. It's a shame that the leaden pace dashes any hope of engrossing entertainment. Demon Queen isn't the worst SOV production I've endured, but fuck, I wouldn't even recommend it to my enemies. I'm willing to give Donald Farmer a second try, though. I'd love to grab Vampire Cop or Scream Dream. Hey, I survived four paragraphs! Do I win a medal? No? Right.
Posted by Dom Coccaro at 11:00 PM