Wrestlemania 34 Part II

Let's finish this bitch!

7) D-Bry and Shane/Owens and Zayn ~ We saw a controlled burst of Daniel Bryan's offense on Smackdown, but this was his first match in three years.  Let me tell you, he went full-bore and it was obvious that he was having a fucking blast.  I had a blast, too!  It felt like watching a happy puppy playing in the snow.  Slushy simile, but c'mon.  This was feelgood wrestling.

8) Nia/Alexa For The Raw Women's Championship ~ Storytelling was paramount here.  Honestly, I can't recall many moves or sequences from the contest (trying not to use "match" a billion times), but that wasn't the point.  I did like the terse levity early on when both participants screamed simultaneously.  Alexa's slasher-worthy shriek elicited audible laughter from those in attendance.

9) Styles/Nakamura For The WWE Championship ~ Oh, baby.  This was the fight that I was looking forward to the most.  It was...alright.  Before I grill the meat, how about Nita Strauss jamming on Nakamura's entrance theme?  She rocked it!  Yes, I'm a fan.  So the match brought intense action and a sick heel turn, but for whatever reason, I wasn't feelin' it.  Things never went to that next level.  I'm not explaining myself very well.  One obstacle was the limitation on time (otherwise known as a "time limit").  Not the wrestlers' fault, but dude, it's fucking Wrestlemania.  Why not let them go for a half-hour?  Vince doesn't seem to understand the significance of a match's length.  I'm a stickler for that shit.  On the upside, we'll get more matches out of these two gentlemen.  Bring it, I say!

10) Braun and Nicholas/The Bar ~ I can see the reasoning behind plunking a lighter scuffle in between your main events, but I'm not sure how I feel about brushing The Bar to the side and devalorizing the Raw tag titles.  I'm conflicted.  Hemming and hawing.  Wishy AND washy.  Hey, I'll ease off.  Nicholas is a cute kid, and that's a memory that will never fade from his mental laundry.

11) Lesnar/Reigns For The WWE Universal Championship ~ Yeah, I didn't give a flapping fuck.  The crowd tuned out almost immediately.  No amount of blood (and it was actually too much) was going to change my mind.  Overall, this was a gratifying PPV, so it's a shame that it had to end with a galumph.

I didn't cover the pre-show, but it was adequate.  The women's battle royal was terrible, the cruiserweights were typical (I dug the gymnastics and Mustafa Ali's Max Moon-esque gear) and I missed the Andre the Giant battle royal, though I'm pleased with the results.  Billy goats urinate on their own heads to smell more attractive to females.  Bye!