Blood Capsule #264

BRAM STOKER'S THE MUMMY (1997)

Surely you remember seeing this VHS cover at your local video store in the late 90's.  I don't know why (no one does), but there was a sweltering spate of mummy movies at the time.  With one notable exception, these were all straight-to-video clinkers, and before you ask...no, I'm not reviewing Universal's Brendan Fraser spectacle.  I'm here for the bottom feeders.  Look at me talking down to this flick when, in reality, it could almost pass for presentable entertainment for the "commoners."  Almost.  It does star Louis Gossett Jr., and man, he chews the scenery like he hasn't eaten for days.  More on casting later.  The Mummy was technically adapted from Bram Stoker's The Jewel of Seven Stars, but how faithful is it?  Don't ask me.  I can't be expected to bone up on classic literature, unless we're discussing the merits of R.L. Stine (I typed that with my reading glasses resting on the bridge of my nose).

In doing research for this capsule, I learned that the film was co-written and directed by the same fellow who shepherded The Kindred.  This was his last non-TV feature until 2018.  Most curious.  The lion's share of the action takes place in a fairly humdrum mansion (I mean, as far as mansions go).  A doctor, a detective, and an art historian gather at the bedside of an incapacitated Egyptologist at the behest of his daughter.  The old sod has been tinkering with ancient artifacts, namely a seven-sided ruby that belonged to a deposed queen.  Obviously, iniquitous powers of sand and gauze are unleashed in the form of an unruly mummy hiding out in the basement.  Pros?  We get to see the mummy kill morons in embarrassing ways.  There is even a mummy toddler in a scene ripped straight out of the Charles Band playbook.  Cons?  This is a talky, labored watch.  The running time on the box says 96 minutes, but I swear I was sitting in front of Bram Stoker's The Mummy for at least five hours.

I'm going with three Z'Dars because...eh, it wasn't agonizing, especially compared to the rest of the lineup I've assembled for Mummy Month.  Egads.  Recommended to fans of Home Improvement who wish they could have seen the episode where Al Borland bangs a prostitute.  Yeah, that's what I needed in my life.

Now Playing #17

Evilfeast - Funeral Sorcery

In recent weeks, I've made a conscious effort to listen to more atmospheric black metal.  I went through an atmoblack phase about 10-15 years ago, but at some point, this quasi-genre lost its luster.  There is only so much you can pull from songs that dwell on Carpathian winds.  And yet, I quite like "Carpathian Winds," the fourth track on Evilfeast's second long player.  When I'm in the mood for this kind of stuff, I suppose I could listen to any number of Scandinavian acts.  Here lately, this Polish one-man project has been doing the trick.  There is nothing groundbreaking here.  "I Reach the Winter Twilight," for example, contains plenty of frosty riffs and a flurry of synth melodies.  The production is sensibly raw, meaning you can at least tell it was recorded indoors.  I think.  Evilfeast is listed as "active" on The Metal Archives, but it's worth mentioning that the last studio offering came out in 2017.

Also worth mentioning?  If you want to get into Evilfeast, any record would serve as a righteous starting point.  As far as rad titles go, Funeral Sorcery wins the day.

Blazing Eternity - A Certain End of Everything

I didn't discover this album until earlier this month.  Otherwise, it would have been featured rather prominently on my "Best of 2024" list.  Blazing Eternity peddle a frothy blend of epic doom and melodic death metal.  I've read several reviews that compare them (favorably) to early Katatonia, but if I had to finger a contemporary touchstone, I'd go with Mother of Graves.  You do need to have a taste for "sadboi" music, as it's called.  Expect to hear glum guitar harmonies and occasional clean vocals that approach your ears with the tempered grace of soft rainfall.  Hmm, I only allow myself one saccharine metaphor per paragraph.  I better wrap this up before I go over budget, so to speak.  Let me LINK you to the lead single from A Certain End of Everything.  A fair warning, if I may...it's going to be stuck in your head for the rest of the afternoon (or evening, depending on when you read this).

Blood Capsule #263

DEADTIME STORIES (1986)

I haven't touched an anthology in quite some time.  They tend to be hit/miss propositions, often within the same film.  I have long held the belief that Deadtime Stories had a favorable failure-to-success ratio, and after giving it a rewatch, I can confirm that my assessment was right on the money.  It's always nice to agree with yourself.  There are three "vignettes" at play.  They are relayed to the viewer as bedtime stories being told to a little boy by his tired uncle.  Man, this guy doesn't blink at telling some morbid tales, does he?  He wants the kid to go to sleep, so why give him nightmares?  Anyway, the deadtime stories in Deadtime Stories involve a coven of cagey crones, a modern twist on Little Red Riding Hood, and a darkly humorous take on Goldilocks (the three Bears are escaped mental patients).  The wraparound segments build to a monster reveal, although the curtain closes with a whimper.  Was that thing supposed to look like a Ghoulie?

Now that I've delineated the plots and outlined the core essence of Deadtime Stories, it doesn't sound terribly impressive.  Truth be told, it takes awhile to find its balance, but it does manage to entertain through a mix of sardonic humor and blue-ribbon practical effects (the resurrection of the witch is a doozy).  An honorable mention goes out to Cathryn de Prume who fares well as Goldi Lox.  She is...shapely.  It could be argued that the comedic elements veer too far into "screwball" territory.  Still, I recommend renting Deadtime Stories from your local library.  I'm awarding a bonus half-Z'Dar for the werewolf.  It has an old-school Universal vibe to it, which I appreciate, especially after sitting through Werewolves last month.

Random Match Alert

I'm digging the "Raw is Netflix" era.  It allows me to multi-task now that I can keep up with the latest WWE tomfoolery on my computer while simultaneously absorbing WWF tomfoolery.  Take this match, for instance.  Koko B. Ware versus Repo Man, circa 1993 (please forgive the horrendous audio).

Blood Capsule #262

LEGEND OF DINOSAURS AND MONSTER BIRDS (1977)

So this is what happens when Japan looks to the West for inspiration.  Interesting.  It's true; the brass at Toei Company (a studio that normally dabbled in melodrama and martial arts) wanted to duplicate the success of Jaws.  And the best way to do that was...with dinosaurs?  I'm not going to question anyone.  After all, this gave way to a creature feature, although technically, the creatures are not dinosaurs.  I'll get to that in a minute, but first, a perfunctory synopsis.  A stone egg is discovered by lumberjacks.  This is a pretty big find, and the media jumps on it.  Our main character is a geologist.  When he sees the coverage on television, he drops everything, even going so far as to scratch a plane ticket to Mexico.  He wants to validate his father's research.  His father, I'll have you know, believed in the existence of a Plesiosaur, a marine reptile thought to be extinct.  Could sightings confirm the legend (of the not-dinosaur), or did Nessie decide to visit Mount Fuji?

The first hour is sluggish.  We spend time with our geologist, but we also see questionably-paced attacks.  Deep sea swimmers come face-to-face with a model kit.  Alright, the special effects aren't terrible, but I guess I was hoping for classic kaiju-style action.  There is quite a bit of "aftermath gore," and oddly enough, we see a sliver of nudity during a shower scene (thought I'd placate the perverts out there).  You will detect hints of the supernatural when a Not-Pterodactyl joins the fray.  Apparently, it's a Rhamphorhynchus (thank you, Wikipedia).  Do the monsters battle, you may ask?  Yes!  And it's definitely the highlight of this motion picture.  For most of the running time, Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster Birds is a quiet sit.  That's fine.  For optimal results, throw it on in the background and pay very little attention.  The first act is reasonably entertaining, but things sag in the middle.

Recommended to fans of The Last Dinosaur and the smog in Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster.

My book is now on Kindle!

If you've been waiting for my book to hit Kindle before buying it, wait no more.  If you haven't bought it for some other inane reason, now is a good time to pick it up.  No excuses!  Click HERE.  For the uninitiated, Blood Capsules is a compendium of mini-reviews I've written of (mostly obscure) horror/sci-fi films.  I consider this the second edition.  I've fixed a few typos that plague the physical version, but hey, that version would look dandy on your bookshelf!

Blood Capsule #261

CTHULHU MANSION (1992)

Unknowingly, I have been collecting the works of one J.P. Simon.  That's not a common name in horror circles (maybe in horror trapezoids), but the guy has a fierce resume.  He knocked Slugs out of the park, and ironically, he can be held accountable for Mystery on Monster Island.  I don't know anything about him.  Could be super swell.  I do know that he had a passionate relationship with mediocrity.  Man, I kept waiting for Cthulhu Mansion to enthuse me with a pendulous stroke of spleen-melting b-movie magic, but it just sat there with a stern face.  It was almost as if it wanted me - the innocent viewer - to fill in the blanks.  Some filmmakers will say that the human mind can dream up stuff more terrifying than anything they could show you.  They're either lying or they're lazy.  This film is the latter.  Granted, it scores brownie points for opening at a carnival.  Plot summary incoming!

A drug deal goes haywire, which prods a group of undesirables into taking a magician hostage (with his lovely assistant in tow).  By the way, the magician is named Chandu.  That's kind of important.  Actually, it's not important at all, but be that as it may, we wind up at Chandu's gothic abode.  If you're wondering what that has to do with Cthulhu, I wondered that myself.  The house has vaguely Lovecraftian powers that present as everything from blood showers to hideous refrigerator hands (of course, the hands attach to nothing).  It's a shame.  The ghostly atmosphere means that director Simon fabricated a handful of respectable shots that could have come from a better movie.  To his credit, I wanted to see how Cthulhu Mansion resolved itself.  Meh.  This review is exactly two paragraphs too long.

Announcement in two days!

Rhymes with Glamazon Spindle.

Blood Capsule #260

THE SECT (1991)

Everyone wants Italian weirdo Michele Soavi to return to the horror genre.  It doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon.  And look, I get it.  I love Cemetery Man, too.  But I must admit, the dude's batting average is rather pedestrian.  I've officially seen all four of his fright flicks, and from where I'm sitting, he has crafted one masterpiece.  One.  Stagefright is fun, but would it be worth recommending without the owl mask?  Maybe I'm being hard on Soavi.  Or maybe I'm frazzled because I just watched The Sect, his third stab at it coming off the heels of 1989's The Church.  He seems to have a fixation with women being ravaged by "manimals."  Here, Kelly Curtis (Jamie Lee's sister) is raped and pillaged by a phantom stork.  If I had it my way, that would be the synopsis on the back of every physical release of The Sect.  Too abrasive?  Or too honest?  Hmm, I'm on the verge of a psychological breakthrough.  Let's see what happens in the next paragraph.

A woman is victimized by a doomsday cult after nursing a senior citizen back to health.  A million things happen, including the underwater birth of the Antichrist.  I probably don't need to tell you, but be ready for non-linear storytelling.  And that's fine and dandy.  Your movie can be a morass of oddball symbolism and random (!) bursts of violence.  I only ask that you make the characters palatable, and that's where The Sect falls short.  Miriam (a.k.a. Not Jamie) has to be the dumbest heroine I've encountered in Italian horror.  That's saying something, folks.  I wanted to dig this insanity.  Herbert Lom does turn in a convincing performance as an enigmatic drifter, but I can't say that I cared about him.  At all.  Visually, The Sect is often gripping.  Once it grips you, it slaps you and walks in the opposite direction.  I guess some people are into that?  I gave it my best shot.

Soon...!

I've put it off long enough.  I've been dreading the workload, BUT...my book is finally heading for the Kindle!  Give me a couple weeks.  Because of the nature of the book, it's taking a very long time to set up the Table of Contents.  Details are details, but they probably wouldn't make much sense if you haven't gone through this process yourself.  Just know I'm working on it.  I'll let everyone know when the Kindle version of Blood Capsules is ready to be seen.

Go ahead and get excited!

Blood Capsule #259

MANDROID (1993)

One user review on IMDb calls this film "undemanding."  By God, that's the perfect adjective to describe Mandroid.  Why am I even bothering with this Blood Capsule?  I don't see how I can add anything substantive to reviews that already dissect this detritus.  Actually, that's a bit strong.  This is no less judicious than any other Full Moon flick.  So in other words, I admire it.  I don't know that I would call Mandroid a horror feature, but it's close enough for my purposes.  Scientists have built a robot that mines the potential of Supercon, a newly discovered element so dangerous, it can't be processed by human hands.  Scientist A is levelheaded about the implications of such a tech-epiphany.  Scientist B wants all of the credit for Supercon, and he wants to use it to mass-market android suits that would make our military all the more devastating.  Scientist C couldn't be reached for comment.

The entertainment value of Mandroid is directly proportionate to your tastebuds as they relate to robotics.  Me, I can dig a solid riff on RoboCop.  This one does the right things, but it translates as dull.  Dishwater dull.  The cast is certainly game.  Jane Caldwell is inviting as Zanna (the daughter of Scientist A), while Brian Cousins fares well as the gum-chewing Wade (I think the gum-chewing is supposed to be a character trait).  There just isn't much...pizzazz?  Perhaps Charles Band should have tossed a tiny monster into the script.  Believe it or not, Mandroid was gifted a sequel.  Invisible: The Chronicles of Benjamin Knight came out in the same calendar year.  I guess it would be considered a spinoff, as it followed a minor player in Mandroid.  So it's Full Moon's Frasier.  Honestly, I'm more likely to binge-watch Frasier than I am to rent Invisible.

Recommended to fans of The Guyver and microscope slides.

Site Update

Pay no mind to the Barracuda poster.  I just needed an image and that was the last movie I watched.  Speaking of which, I have completed all of the reviews for Mummy Month!  Yep, they're in the can.  If you're new here, next month is Mummy Month, and I can safely say that it will be cataclysmic.  Brace yourself?  I'm thinking April might have its own gimmick, but I'm not ready to announce it just yet.  So don't get too excited.

I also have new editions of Rassle Inn and Now Playing coming down the pike.  Now would be a good time to promote my Patreon.  Click HERE!  I don't do New Year's resolutions, but I would love to grab some new subscribers in 2025.  Still bracing yourself?  Cool, just keep doing that.

Blood Capsule #258

THE PROJECTED MAN (1966)

I enjoyed this film quite a bit, so I was surprised to learn that it was roasted on Mystery Science Theater 3000.  I was more surprised by the fact that I had not seen that particular episode.  It ran during the Mike era, which is my preferred block of MST3K chicanery.  I'm going to check it out posthaste, mainly because I'm curious as to how the guys/robots approach excoriating what I consider to be "legitimate" science fiction (as opposed to The Prince of Space anyway).  Am I alone on this one?  Has my taste degraded so much over the years, that I can't recognize bilge when it's staring me in the face?  I know it's trash, but these days, I prefer trash.  Hmm, what does it say about me that I'd rather watch The Projected Man than the latest Blumhouse offering?  It's a curious flick that borrows a bit of pseudo-science from The Fly.  Dr. Steiner has developed a laser beam that can transmit molecules from one side of the room to the other.  I'll be using similar technology to transmit the rest of this synopsis to the next paragraph.

The laser is successfully tested on a live subject (a chimpanzee), so Steiner goes under the beam in a bid to validate his experiments to the dodgy fellows who are funding his research.  Of course, something goes awry.  The transmission is interrupted, causing Steiner to materialize elsewhere as a raging, deformed conductor of electricity.  If this sounds like the schematic for a Universal horror film, that's because it's a Universal horror film.  It's too bad that The Projected Man was produced a few decades too late.  It was released stateside as part of a double bill with Island of Terror, and by all accounts, it was pretty much a flop.  But I dug it.  The special effects are fun, as we see Steiner char his victims to a crisp by merely touching them.  I will usually frown on love triangles in vintage b-movies, but here, the writing is sharp.  It doesn't hurt that I liked all of the main players.

Recommended if you thought that The Fly had too many flies in it.

Blood Capsule #257

MYSTERY ON MONSTER ISLAND (1981)

Twenty years ago (or thereabouts), I caught a sliver of this movie on a Saturday morning.  Until last night, all I remembered was the fact that it contained a roving pack of fishmen.  If you know me, you know that's a big deal.  I've made it a mission to see every motion picture that involves a fishman in some way, shape, or form.  Mystery on Monster Island does fit the criteria, but I'm sad to report that these gilled marauders only appear in one scene.  They look preposterous, and I love them very much.  But what about the rest of this island adventure?  Peter Cushing is top-billed.  Of course, he has approximately three minutes of total screen time.  He sends his nephew on an ocean voyage to give him a dose of reality.  Considering the ludicrous twist ending (more on that later), that's awfully ironic.  Along the way, we meet cannibals, dino-goliaths, and cave-dwelling...um, caterpillars?  Don't forget the fishmen.

As my rating indicates, watching Mystery on Monster Island was a pleasant experience.  The pace is brisk, the special effects are charming, and the comedy relief wasn't too vexing (the foppish tutor was a bit much).  There is a stipulation, though.  All of the innocuous good faith that the film accumulates is nearly rendered meaningless by the ending.  This is where I spoil the twist, so look away if you have a sensitive stomach.  All of the monsters on Monster Island?  Toys!  The cannibals?  Actors!  Yes, Mystery resorts to using the "Scooby-Doo rule."  I hate the "Scooby-Doo rule."  Part of me thinks that director Juan Piquer Simon wanted a built-in excuse for shoddy puppetry and unfinished creature suits.  It's supposed to look fake!  That's actually clever, but I'm still peeved.  Three Z'Dars because I have a soft spot for Saturday morning nonsense.  Make no mistake; this is nonsense.

The French one-sheet.

WWF + 1995 = Nostalgia Crack

The second I saw this video, I knew I had to write something about it.  First of all, WWE's "vault" YouTube channel has been killing it lately.  I've shared some of their content before, but this...this is gold.  GOLD!  It's a slice-of-life video from 1995.  Specifically, it's behind-the-scenes footage from the production of Monday Night Raw's iconic "rooftop" intro.  It's only fourteen minutes, but it contains so many incredible things for nerds like me who grew up watching the New Generation era.

We see Goldust and Hunter Hearst Helmsley play an arcade game while The Undertaker watches.  Later on, 'Taker and Razor Ramon protect kayfabe while riding an elevator together.  It's nuts!  Makes me want to revisit certain episodes of Raw in anticipation of the debut on Netflix.

Blood Capsule #256

SOUNDS OF SILENCE (1989)

Here we have a film begging for a Blu-ray release.  Vinegar Syndrome, are you listening?  Actually, any boutique label will do, so I won't be picky.  Sounds of Silence is exceedingly obscure, but strangely enough, it's readily available to stream if you check some of the more obvious platforms.  I didn't think to look before I watched my well-worn VHS copy.  Suffice to say, the picture and sound quality left something to be desired.  I was able to spot an agreeable supernatural thriller beaming through the washed out colors, though.  After inheriting a voluminous estate in Sweden, a photographer - Peter - and his writer girlfriend - Sarah - decide to check the place out.  With Sarah's deaf son in tow, they are met with the kind of acrimony you would expect to find in a small village that was seemingly lifted from Bram Stoker's Dracula (different country, same general idea).  To make matters more convoluted, the deaf son befriends an orphan named Bill.

I don't consider this to be a heavy-duty spoiler, but if you don't want to know anything about Sounds of Silence, stop reading...now.  That Bill bloke?  He's dead!  Oh my God!  Y'know, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that I should have put a little distance between my spoiler and my spoiler warning.  Trust me, friend; this flick is still worth tracking down.  Certain scenes are relayed from the unique perspective of a disabled child.  That raises the stakes a bit.  Plus, director Peter Borg uses every fog machine in Sweden to ensure that the atmosphere is positively unearthly.  In terms of the storyline, most of the plot "twists" are fairly easy to predict.  This isn't a masterpiece, but I'm surprised that I had never heard of it until recently.  Recommended to fans of The Orphanage and handicapped placards.  This is a "no parking" zone, by the way.  Scram!

Random Match Alert

Remember Wrestling Society X?  I don't.  I mean, I never watched it, but it's fun to go back and find bizarro matches like this.  Tyler-Seth Rollins-Black and Jimmy Jacobs square off against Team Dragon Gate, circa 2007.  It's weird.  Enjoy?

Blood Capsule #255

REPTILICUS (1961)

If you look on IMDb, there are two people credited with directing this film.  That's a misnomer, as there are two different versions of Reptilicus.  From what I understand, they were shot together much in the same way that the Spanish version of 1931's Dracula was shot while Bela Lugosi was off brooding in a corner somewhere.  I'm reviewing the American cut.  I have yet to watch the Danish cut, but while the actors are speaking another language, the two movies are virtually identical.  Any discrepancies are negligible, aside from the fact that the monster flies in the Danish version.  Also, the American version adds splashes of "acid vomit," and cripes, I'm tired of typing "version."  Regardless of which Reptilicus you are babysitting, it's a hoot.  Well, it's a minor hoot.  I hate to sound like a world-weary critic, but in my opinion, there are better Godzilla knockoffs out there.

I'm getting ahead of myself.  How about a synopsis?  Mining engineers drill upon well-preserved chunks of a prehistoric giant.  The fossils, varying in (de)composition, are taken to a laboratory where scientists discover that the primordial flesh can regenerate itself.  It doesn't take long for the behemoth - dubbed Reptilicus by the media - to thaw out and begin destroying urban locales in Copenhagen.  As for the special effects, this b-quickie forgoes traditional methods (stop-motion, man in a suit, etc.) in favor of a marionette.  Friends, it's simply adorable.  If Reptilicus emerged from the Atlantic Ocean and demolished skyscrapers on the east coast, my gut reaction would be to ask my mom if I could keep it.  Naturally, anything that doesn't involve Reptilicus (y'know, in Reptilicus) comes across as mundane.  Characters are interchangeable.  On the acting front, the cast isn't anchored by any one performance, unless you're spellbound by old dudes in white coats.

I hate to end things on a downer, so I'll mention that Vinegar Syndrome's 4K/Blu-ray release of Reptilicus is splendid.  I guarantee that no one else is nerdy enough to point this out, but certain scenes are eerily reminiscent of an Outer Limits episode called "Tourist Attraction."  If you know what I'm talking about, we're automatically besties.