Looking at March...

I think I want to do one more theme month before ending this charade.  I think I've settled on the theme, but because I have so much random crap to review, it's going to have to wait until March.  I'll announce it...um, later.  Clue?  No clue.

Blood Capsule #355

GHOULIES (1985)

I don't know if this is common knowledge or not, but Ghoulies was in pre-production well before Gremlins.  If it weren't for the fact that producers ran out of money halfway through principal photography, the film would have beaten Gremlins to theaters.  So really, Gremlins is the knock-off.  Does that change your opinion of Ghoulies?  Probably not.  It still feels like the low-rent surrogate of "tiny monster" vehicles.  I get it, but to be honest, I prefer Ghoulies.  And I'm not just trying to be the contrarian in the room.  I completely understand if you're not a fan.  After all, the creatures themselves are mere bystanders in the story.  Speaking of which, Ghoulies is full of horror tropes, well-worn clichés that are both old-fashioned and familiar to purveyors of 80's popcorn clusters.  Jonathan inherits a regal estate and finds curious books in the basement.  Why, it's a veritable athenaeum of tomes on alchemy and black magic how-to guides.  Y'know, sorcery.  That kind of stuff.

Anyway, ol' Jon decides to conduct an arcane ritual for his friends.  Bad idea, as he unwittingly opens a portal to the netherworld.  It's never clear where exactly the Ghoulies hail from, a frustrating detail that the series refuses to address all the way up to the fourth entry.  Thankfully, this is not the fourth entry.  Every time I watch this flick, I have fun with it.  Peter Liapis is committed in the lead role.  He takes the task seriously, no matter how wacky his surroundings become (and you better believe his surroundings become wacky).  This movie contains the second greatest wizard duel in history.  If you're curious, Vincent Price and Peter Lorre are in pole position thanks to 1963's The Raven.  I also love John Carl Beuchler's special effects.  Maybe I just love John Carl Beuchler.  If you watch Ghoulies hoping to see the little rapscallions act in mischievous ways, you might be disappointed.  Truth be told, they aren't the stars of the show.  I was able to get my fix, however.

Ghoulies comes close to being a 4-Z'Dar firecracker, but hold on.  I'm saving the big guns for the bigger gun.

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Blood Capsule #354

KRAMPUS (2015)

I'm late to the party yet again.  I don't remember why I didn't see Krampus upon its release.  Fact is, I didn't.  Get off my back.  Usually, I don't make it a point to watch Christmas-themed films in December.  For me, it's just another month.  So basically, it's October.  The only downside to enjoying twelve Octobers is you miss stuff like Krampus from time to time.  I will admit, this is an impressive...family movie?  The genius of Krampus is that the first act is indistinguishable from the holiday fare your mother forces you to watch every year.  If this is the spooky alternative to National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the role of Clark Griswold is played by Max.  Incidentally, Max is played by Emjay Anthony.  He would be fine with boughs of holly if he didn't have to endure the scourge of his aunt's family.  His mom's sister's clan has invaded his safe space for a few days, and well, let's just say that Max would welcome the presence of Lampoon's Uncle Eddie.  Notice that I haven't mentioned a monster yet.  There is one, but we don't meet it until the atmosphere calls for it.

Right off the bat, I need to panegyrize the lighting and sound design.  That's a fancy way of saying that everything looks (and sounds) great.  The blizzard that batters and besieges Max's neighborhood will leave icicles hanging from your Blu-ray player.  This is a PG-13 fright flick, but honestly, I didn't notice a shortfall of R-rated intensity.  A side character lets slip an F-bomb, if it means that much to you.  The horror isn't limited to Krampus (y'know, in Krampus), which I appreciated.  We get to play with a mutant teddy bear and a particularly attitudinal drummer boy.  Krampus himself, said to be the very shadow of St. Nicholas, is an effective villain.  I wasn't crazy about the ending.  Unfortunately, that brings us to the end of this capsule, as I wouldn't want to spoil anything for you.  Of course, you've probably already seen Krampus, but still.  Maybe you're as late to the party as I was.  Recommended for fans of egg-based liqueur and pot-bellied chimney dwellers.

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Blood Capsule #353

THE DEVONSVILLE TERROR (1983)

This was an early instance of a film being sent straight to video, despite originally being planned as a theatrical release.  It's kind of a confusing film.  The town of Devonsville is depicted as a backwards settlement full of puritanical menfolk.  During a prologue, three consecutive women are torched at the stake.  Because, y'know, the menfolk say they are witches.  A similar situation comes to fruition in the modern day.  We are supposed to see the authority figures of Devonsville - the rector, the sheriff, the omnipresent store clerk - as antagonists as they impute three women of "consorting with the devil."  There's only one problem; they are right!  As it turns out, the main character, an unassuming teacher, is possessed with witchy powers.  She uncorks a baleful curse that causes one guy's head to explode.  And it's gnarly, but that's not the point.  Are we supposed to empathize with the spooky witches?  Because that would make this flick a forward-thinking exercise in folk horror.

I don't know if I'm ready to admit that The Devonsville Terror is a willful, transgressive gem of a movie.  Director Ulli Lommel isn't exactly known as a maverick.  I won't badger him, as I've only seen one of his other pictures (that would be 1980's The Boogey Man).  I have to hand it to him, though.  He got his wife to co-write the screenplay and star in the thing.  Could it be that The Devonsville Terror, with its assertive feminist streak, anticipated something like The VVitch by a few decades?  I don't mean to insinuate that this was the first of its kind.  Still, it was pretty unique for 1983.  How have I bloviated this much without giving my opinion?  I quite liked it.  The atmosphere is rich with seasonal markers that practically lower the temperature of the room in which you are viewing the film.  Moreover, I'm all about the gonzo gore that christens the climax.  It comes from out of nowhere, man.  An honorable mention goes out to Donald Pleasence.  He gives a fireball performance as a doctor who hypnotizes his patients by screaming at them.  Are his scenes worthy of golf clapping?  Yes.  Yes, they are.

Recommended to fans of Eyes of Fire and burning incense.

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Blood Capsule #352

THEY CAME FROM BEYOND SPACE (1967)

I was going to start this review by calling They Came From Beyond Space an unofficial Amicus production.  But I had my facts mixed up.  This is an official Amicus production, although I doubt the studio would claim it as such.  We have some of the right ingredients here.  The film was directed by Freddie Francis, a dependable journeyman who also dished out The Creeping Flesh and Legend of the Werewolf, among many other drive-in hits.  The pulpy story revolves around a freakish meteor shower.  How freakish?  The meteors land in a "V" formation.  It could be that extraterrestrials are simply big fans of V.  Or it's not a legitimate meteor shower at all.  The phenomenon is studied by scientists who are stricken with the "crimson plague."  As with any decent pandemic, bodies of the victims are shuffled off to the moon.  Yes, the moon.  The first half of the script covers quite a bit of ground.  Dr. Curtis Temple seems to be immune to the space virus, so it's up to him to save the day.

They Came From Beyond Space is only horror-adjacent, but it's too interesting to pass up.  It was based on 1941's The Gods Hate Kansas, a title too good for an obscure novel.  Released as part of a double bill with The Terrornauts, this is sci-fi comfort food that probably should have been produced by a different studio.  The cast is game.  Robert Hutton is believable as our lead.  As an added bonus, we get to see Michael Gough set his phaser to ham as the Master of the Moon.  I love the fact that the de facto leader of an advanced race of energy beings chooses to wear a pink robe.  It should be obvious, but this flick is pretty dry in spots.  It's missing a bizarro beast or a robot humanoid or something.  Still, I'd recommend it for a stagnant Saturday afternoon.  Watch every other Amicus film first, though.  And Island of Terror.  And The Green Slime.  You know what?  Watch anything else first.  That counts as a recommendation, doesn't it?

I am what I am...

Got back from vacation yesterday.  Over said vacation, I watched all three Popeye horror films.  Back-to-back-to-back.  And you know what?  They sucked.  They sucked equally and aggressively.  That is all for now.  I probably have work to do.

Blood Capsule #351

SHADOW ZONE: MY TEACHER ATE MY HOMEWORK (1997)

A year and a half ago, I reviewed Shadow Zone: The Undead Express.  Go ahead and read that.  I'll wait here.  Back?  Okay.  I finally chanced upon a beautiful VHS copy of My Teacher Ate My Homework, the second film based on Shadow Zone, a Goosebumps knock-off series that consisted of thirteen titles.  I don't know if there were more adaptations planned, but only two of these projects saw a green light.  In terms of budget, both picture shows are medium-sized enterprises.  The cast here is leavened with thespians your parents would recognize.  Shelley Duvall plays a wicked teacher named Mrs. Fink.  Jesse can't stand her.  To tell the truth, he's convinced that she goes out of her way to undermine him at every opportunity on top of loading him down with homework.  He seems to gain the upper hand, however, when he finds an eerie doll at a curiosity shop that could pass for Mrs. Fink's doppelganger.  After the doll's arm is "injured," ol' Fink attends class all disheveled with her arm in a sling.  Hmm...

I was expecting this to follow a generic "my teacher is a monster" blueprint (maybe something in line with Tobe Hooper's Invaders From Mars), but instead, I got an evil doll bent on "soul transference."  Yep, this flick borrows from Chucky's playbook.  I didn't see that coming.  Perhaps what's more surprising is the fact that I had a blast watching this thing.  It's super fun.  Compared to The Undead Express, the characters are a little easier to like, and I couldn't figure out where the story was going.  I'm shocked that I've never heard anyone make a passing reference to My Teacher Ate My Homework, not even when collating childhood favorites.  And I've seen people do some serious collating, let me tell you.  I would say it's on par with Goosebumps, but honestly, it's the better product between the two.  Alright, I'm hyping it up too much.  I forgot to mention The Reaper.  Hold on; this calls for a new paragraph.

Each Shadow Zone is hosted by The Reaper, a Cryptkeeper-esque ghoul who I'm now basing my entire life around.  This guy rules!  He's worth an extra half-Z'Dar, and we were already in 4-Z'Dar territory.  Recommended for fans of...Margot Kidder?  Yeah, she cameos as a librarian.  For reasons.

Retirement (Repost)

Okay, so I guess I'll go ahead and announce it.  Once I hit Blood Capsule #400, I'll have enough reviews for my second book.  At which point, two things will happen.  1!  I'll commence work on the book.  2!  I will retire as a horror journalist/movie critic.  In effect, I'll be retiring the site, although I'll leave it up for posterity.  This hasn't been an easy decision to reach, but guys, I've been writing about horror movies in some way since 2002.  That's A LOT of reviews.  I've only been doing it "professionally" for a little while, and that brings me to my next point.

My Patreon will remain active because once I'm done with the site, I'll be making YouTube my full-time gig.  You may have noticed my slow transformation into a YouTuber.  I'm not particularly good at it, but I can only get better.  I do plan on upgrading my camera set-up next year.  By my calculations, I won't hit Blood Capsule #400 for at least a few months.  Ideally, I'll have the second book out for the summer.  In the meantime?  Check out that Patreon.  I appreciate the support.  I have to say, I'm definitely ready to hang it up.  You can expect the remaining Capsule reviews to be exceedingly weird and obscure.  Gotta go out with a bang and all that.

I'll be posting this notice at least twice to make sure everyone sees it.  Thanks for reading!