98%

At this point, I'd say the book is 98% done.  Right now, I'm typing out the review index.  Manually.  And that sucks, but!  I'm almost done.  Hang in there, folks.

Eleven down, one to go!

I just reviewed Freddy vs. Jason for my upcoming book.  It's been awhile since I talked about it, but um, yeah...I have a book coming out later this year.  And I have one more review to write for it.  Still have quite a bit of work to do, but I'm getting there!

Am I alive?

YES!  I realize I haven't posted here in awhile, but there are reasons.  Like, actual reasons.  As some of you know, my wheelchair is currently a useless hunk of junk, so I've been sidelined.  This is delaying work on the book.  It's delaying everything.  It sucks.  Hopefully, I'll get back to it in September.  We shall see?

Hang in there!

Book cover reveal!

The book won't be finished for a few more months (at the most...I'm trying to go easy on myself), but I got a cover to show you.  And I'm too excited not to show you.  Check her out!  It's a beautiful piece by Lauren Gornik, who also did the (awesome) cover for the first book.  Like I said, I'm not ready to release anything yet, but seeing the cover does inspire the heck outta me.

Stay tuned for more updates!

Progress Report

I just polished off my review of Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood.  That means I'm over halfway through the series, and coincidentally, I'm also over halfway done formatting the book.  We're getting there, troopers!

Blood Capsule #400

TROLL 2 (1990)

So I've seen Troll.  Likewise, I've seen Best Worst Movie.  Until last night, I had not seen Troll 2.  It's one of those weird blindspots that can't be rationalized by conventional science or some other branch of knowledge.  Maybe I brushed it off because I felt like I had seen it.  As a fan of b-movies in the raw, I was more than familiar with the film.  The documentary conveys an appropriate sense of goofball wonder that pervades every scene.  I thought I knew what to expect, but I was still taken aback by the indifferent dialogue, the off-center acting, and the popcorn.  What was that all about?  Michael Paul Stephenson plays Joshua, a constipated child whose family has made an exchange.  What's an exchange?  Apparently, it's where you switch houses with someone else, and it's a totally normal thing to do.  So Joshua is off to Nilbog.  Not Llort.  Nilbog.  Okey-dokey.  Goblins try to eat his family.  Hospitality ensues?

I know that director Claudio Fragasso is a space cadet, but that doesn't explain why most of the cast is seemingly stoned.  Margo Prey as the mom...bless her heart.  Whose favorite song is "Row, Row, Row Your Boat?"  George Hardy is serviceable as the dad, although I don't know why I'm breaking down the acting.  It's Troll 2.  It's extremely Troll 2.  I can confirm that this is nowhere near the worst movie ever.  I was entertained, but the running time is approximately fifteen minutes too long.  Honestly, I had way more fun with Troll.  Troll 2 is rating-proof.  Three-and-a-half Z'Dars should cover it.  The actual trolls - er, goblins - are adorable.  What else can I say?  Recommended to fans of gummies.  Specifically, the ones that make your friend's head turn into a lollipop.  Not that I would know anything about that.

Post-Retirement

Several days ago, I reviewed Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning.  Wanna read it?  I hope so.  You'll be able to ingest it this fall when my second book hits the shelves.  I've gained new readers in the past few months who may not know my gimmick, so to speak.  That's the good news.  The bad news?  In effect, I'm "retiring" the site after the next Blood Capsule is published on Tuesday.  The only other reviews I'm slated to crank out are my write-ups of the Friday series, which again, will be in the book.  What will this place look like after Tuesday?  I've never retired from something before, so your guess is as good as mine.

Having said all that, there will still be plenty of updates and announcements in regards to the book.  I'll also post updates on my band???  Yeah, I actually have a couple of musical projects in the oven.  Busy, busy, busy...don't touch that dial!

Blood Capsule #399

DEVIL'S EXPRESS (1976)

I've written close to four-hundred Blood Capsules, so forgive me if I repeat myself.  I feel like I've said this on numerous occasions, but...did this movie really happen?  I don't know anyone who has seen it.  The star, a would-be blaxploitation luminary named Warhawk Tanzania, only worked on one other project before leaving the business.  Um, co-writer/director Barry Rosen later produced Highlander (the TV series).  Genre?  Martial arts with an underground monster.  That's a new thing, I've just decided.  I don't really know where to begin, which worries me, as I've already begun.  Ol' Warhawk plays Luke, something of a hero in his ghetto.  He's very similar to Snoop Dogg's character in Bones.  Does that help?  Anyway, Luke takes a furlough to China with Rodan.  I'll give you a minute to read that sentence again.  Luke's best friend is simply named Rodan.  No last name.  Alright.  It's unclear why they are in China, but while there, Rodan absconds with a medallion.  I need a drink and a paragraph break.

So this gemstone is somehow tied to a demon.  The demon lurks in New York City's railway system, claiming victims in between random fight scenes.  And I do mean random.  It's almost as if the cast is reacting to a crew member - just off-screen - lifting a sign that reads "FIGHT!" in bold letters.  Mid-conversation?  Doesn't matter.  The sign has been lifted.  Devil's Express is also known as Gang Wars.  Neither title tells you the whole story, but it could be argued that the script doesn't tell you the whole story.  I dug the demon.  It should be noted that this isn't quite a spookshow until the subterranean finale.  The question is, did I enjoy Devil's Express?  I think so!  There is a bit of an identity crisis here, and the plot never truly commits to a main protagonist.  In my mind, however, I keep going back to "martial arts with an underground monster."  I have to recommend this flick, don't I?  Believe it or not, there is an official Blu-ray release.  Region-free.  Have at it.

Blood Capsule #398

SYNGENOR (1990)

It only took nine months, but I'm finally getting around to this quasi-sequel.  Let me catch you up to speed.  1980's Scared to Death was a mediocre feature with an outstanding creature.  Producers liked the creature design so much, in fact, that they wanted to use it in a separate movie.  You could call this a "follow-up," but it's not a true sequel.  Here, our monsters (yes, there is more than one now) are weaponized for the battlefield.  The scientist spearheading the project?  Carter Brown, as portrayed by David Gale of Re-Animator fame.  So here's the thing.  I saw Syngenor twenty-five, maybe thirty years ago.  My memories are bleary, and if you had asked me for my opinion last week, I would have told you that it was forgettable.  Because I had forgotten it.  Good Lord, I'm glad you didn't ask me last week.  Gale's performance is...I'm combing through my grey matter for the right word...it doesn't exist.  The dude is positively unhinged.  Most fans would probably describe his turn in Re-Animator as over-the-top.  Syngenor clears that hurdle without breaking a sweat.

Gale nearly upstages the monsters, which is saying something.  These are nasty-looking varmints, and under the right lighting, they strike a balance between creepy and plain ol' awesome.  Speaking as a freak for practical special effects, seeing the titular bio-mutants bombard soldiers and secretaries lit me up like a Christmas tree.  I'm talking about pure joy, ladies and gentlemen.  There is a caveat.  Outside of David Gale and the SYNthetic GENetic ORganisms, Syngenor is standard fare.  It's lunchbox horror, but I don't think I need to tell you that I collect lunchboxes.  Okay, I only own two.  It matters none.  You should go out of your way to watch David Gale go out of his mind.  Frankly, the first-class creature suits are the gratuity.  That makes director George Elanjian Jr. a gracious tipper.  Thank your waiter.  Wait, how did I get stuck with the bill???

Recommended to fans of The Guyver (why not?) and Scared to Death, I guess.

Blood Capsule #397

THE PEOPLE ACROSS THE LAKE (1988)

Sometimes, I think my friends see me as this impenetrable oracle of arcane horror knowledge, as I'm always talking about movies that no soul has seen.  The truth is less interesting.  Case in point, The People Across the Lake...I found it from flipping around on Tubi.  In a sense, I'm no different from any other nerd who inadvertently uncovers a rare gem.  I won't say that this flick is a hidden masterpiece.  There are blemishes, and I'll get to them in a minute, but it's a fine time at the cinema.  Correction!  It's a fine time in front of the tube.  Lake was made for television (it might have premiered on the USA Network).  Gerald McRaney stars as a businessman looking to escape the rigors of city life.  Naturally, that means he's uprooting the family and heading for lakefront property.  This is basically a "cabin in the woods" movie without a cabin.  The locals seem skittish.  You can probably figure out where this is going.  Bodies begin to surface in the nearby lake, and before you know it, you're watching an exceedingly dark episode of Major Dad.

This is a surprisingly bleak affair.  It's directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman with a stillness.  By that I mean, you can expect to find a lot of slow pans and fluid camera movements.  It's a notch above standard TV, in my opinion.  The mystery angle is orchestrated to perfection.  Unfortunately, the mystery has to be solved at some point.  The third act doesn't quite live up to the preceding hour.  There should be another twist or two.  The teenaged daughter is played by Tammy Lauren.  You may not recognize that name, but for me, she was the main draw.  She is the heroine of Wishmaster, one of the greatest films on God's green earth.  If you don't dig Wishmaster, we can't be friends.  Straight up.  Anyway, she's great.  Is she still active?  Why am I asking you?  I need to bring this capsule home.  The People Across the Lake is not on Blu-ray, so if you want to check it out (and you do), you'll have to stream it.  Good thing it's 2026, huh?

4!

Only four reviews left!  Can you believe it???

Blood Capsule #396

DRACULA (1979)

Ever find yourself in a position where you can't decide on a movie to watch?  Watch Dracula.  Any Dracula.  It's a safe bet.  This is the only major studio Dracula picture that I had not seen in its entirety.  It's a little more amorous than I was expecting, but the all-star cast coupled with the blustery atmosphere won me over.  Normally, this is where I would pitch to a synopsis, but it's Dracula.  Tonally, it felt like Werner Herzog's Nosferatu at times.  The opening credits want you to know that this Dracula is based on the 1931 iteration and the stage play.  It hardly seems necessary to make such a claim, given that the story doesn't take any unexpected detours.  I mean, there is no shadowy soliloquy delivered by the Count.  I'll level with you; I just really wanted to use the word "soliloquy."  How does Frank Langella fare as our vampiest of vampires?  He plays him with decorum.  I do prefer the Christopher Lee approach (all fangs), but there is nothing wrong with the performance.

Donald Pleasance is fun to watch as Dr. Seward, though it's a missed opportunity not unleashing him as Van Helsing.  Apparently, that was his decision.  Laurence Olivier handles the role of the vampire hunter with care.  Missed opportunity or not, I enjoyed the meat of Dracula.  The art direction is superb.  The cut I watched comes equipped with muted colors, an inspired choice by director John Badham (the theatrical cut looks a bit different).  Everything has a Universal flair.  Perhaps I'm stating the obvious, as this is a Universal property.  I'm awarding an extra half-Z'Dar for the multiplicity of bats.  Bats are cool.  I might rank 1979's Dracula above the garish 1992 version.  Is that a hot take?  I admit there is a Keanu Reeves-shaped hole in the script.  But that could be said of any film that doesn't star Keanu Reeves.

Blood Capsule #395

PREDATOR: BADLANDS (2025)

Out of all my friends, I was the only one who had yet to see this movie.  I had a good reason, mind you.  Um, I didn't want to pay for a Hulu subscription.  Thanks to Disney Plus, I'm all out of excuses.  I'm not complaining.  I loved Predator: Badlands.  Expectations are a strange thing.  Most people I knew came away from the film with positive takes, but I was still cautious.  Could the Yautja withstand babyface treatment?  I'm sorry, I'm using wrestling jargon.  A babyface is a good guy.  Personally, I don't know many good guys who will rip out your spinal column at a moment's notice.  And yet, it makes sense for Dek (our main Yautja) to be the protagonist within the context of the plot.  He must prove himself to be a strong warrior and opts to travel to a "death planet" to retrieve his trophy.  That being, the skull of the fearsome Kalisk.  Along the way, he meets the upper half of an android played by Elle Fanning.  Other stuff happens, but if you want a blow-by-blow breakdown of the script, I urge you to...read the script.

I'm running low on Blood Capsules, so I have to be picky when I settle on something to review.  I honestly didn't think I would dig Badlands enough to write about it, but man, I had a blast watching a Yautja essentially play an open-world video game for 107 minutes.  Even the side quests are entertaining.  At first, I wasn't sold on the dynamic between Dek and Thia (the android), but it eventually clicked into place.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss R-rated gore.  This is definitely the wholesome alternative for people getting into the shared Alien/Predator universe.  It's not like 2022's Prey was a grindhouse experience.  If I had to rank them, I'd say that Predator: Badlands is the most accomplished entry since Predator 2.  I wouldn't mind seeing a horror-leaning sequel going forward.  For the record, I also enjoyed Predator: Killer of Killers.

Blood Capsule #394

HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS (1970)

Somewhat famously, this is a pastiche of other works.  Director Al Adamson was a big fan of a Filipino horror film, so he bought the rights to it.  And he released it through his boutique Blu-ray label?  No, he chopped it up and shot footage around it.  Can you imagine if this was still a common practice?  I guess it beats a lousy remake.  Anyway, Horror of the Blood Monsters is miserable.  It's a unique kind of misery, though.  On paper, I should have had a blast with a cheap flick that flaunts crab ghouls, oodles of vampires, bat-winged cave trolls, and John Carradine.  As with the bulk of pictures made toward the end of Carradine's career, you can't really tell if it was filmed before or after his death.  Hold onto something because this is the second consecutive review where I pull out a Spookies reference.  Hey, it's warranted.  Spookies is a cut-and-paste job, but it's edited in such a way that it feels halfway cohesive.  Blood Monsters is...um, what's an antonym for "cohesive"?  It's that.  It's really, really that.

A lifeless battle between warring neanderthal tribes is rudely interrupted by a sex scene in which a couple is somehow governed by chromatic cycles of Christmas lights.  How is that an actual sentence that I just typed?  Better question; how is this an actual movie that I watched?  Despite the fact that things do happen in Blood Monsters, it's a frustratingly dull sit.  What a waste of a great title.  Do I have anything else to add?  Nope.  I did catch a well-crafted sci-fi/horror nugget last night.  I would have reviewed it, but I don't have much to say about it.  It's called Sputnik.  You can check it out on Shudder.  See, it's good, whereas Horror of the Blood Monsters is bad.  My job here is done.

Blood Capsule #393

INVASION OF THE MINDBENDERS (1987)

I'm a man of culture.  What does that mean?  It means that one of my favorite movies of all time is Spookies.  If I could remember my Letterboxd password, it would make my top four.  Easily.  I've defended it on numerous occasions, and I've even defended its (co-)director.  I'm referring to Genie Joseph.  I have long held the belief that Genie is the unsung hero of the Spookies story.  If she wasn't such an inept filmmaker, I don't think the film would have become...what it has become.  On a sidenote, if you're lost, and you haven't apprised yourself of Spookies, get on it.  My devotion to Spookies led me to Invasion of the Mindbenders, one of the few other credits on Genie's resume.  It was made after Spookies, so you'd think there would be a visible uptick in production cost.  Not necessarily.  Dear God, not necessarily.  For most of the running time, the film functions as a teen comedy.  In the eleventh hour, it decides to try its hand at science fiction.

So imagine Disturbing Behavior if it wasn't an actual movie.  There is some semblance of a "mind control" plot, but basically, the kids at Whatever High start acting funny.  The main characters realize that by playing melodic tones over the PA, the principal has been instituting a behavioral modification thingamabob to elicit obedience from his students.  Oh, and there's an alien.  Mindbenders is a chore.  It's not cute, it's not charming, and it's not well-directed (italicized for dramatic effect).  What did I expect?  How about special effects?  There are none until the closing frames.  By that point, I was ready to toss my VCR into the street.  What's worse, everyone - I mean everyone - in front of the camera screams their dialogue at seemingly random intervals.  They just scream.  Maybe it's supposed to be ironic.  Ugh.  I won't say that I regret buying Invasion of the Mindbenders because it's nice to have as a Spookies fan.  Who am I kidding?  I totally regret it. It's horrible.  Horrible.

Progress report?

I won't post here every time I write a review, but I wanted you folks (yes, you folks) to know that I just finished my write-up of Friday the 13th.  You're going to want to read it.  I'll check in with another progress report in a couple weeks.  Oh boy!

Blood Capsule #392

THE WEREWOLF OF WASHINGTON (1973)

This is as close to politics as I'll ever be as a writer.  I want nothing to do with it.  In fact, politics are such a turn-off, I may have subconsciously avoided this flick for years because of the premise alone.  Maybe that's silly (it certainly feels silly to type), but that's where we are.  I'm glad that I swallowed my pride long enough to imbibe The Werewolf of Washington, as it turned out to be a delight.  I've seen it referenced as a spoof.  That's a misnomer, dear reader.  This is horror that takes itself seriously.  It would be more accurate to say that the script is leavened with sharp punches of comedy that never threaten to outstrip or overwhelm the core of the matter.  What is the core of the matter?  Dean Stockwell plays Jack Whittier, the Press Secretary of the White House who also (full) moonlights as the President's speechwriter.  While on assignment in Europe, he is accosted by gypsies and bitten by a sand shark.  Just kidding...gotta make sure you're paying attention.  He's bitten by a quadrupedal werewolf.  Obviously, that complicates his standing in life.  It really complicates the end of this paragraph.

Jack pursues a romance with the President's daughter.  Can he safeguard her well-being, or will he simply tear through her security detail?  The dialogue is full of little quips and barbs.  I liked Jack's response to being warned about the grave implications of a pentagram ("So the Pentagon is behind it, huh?").  Plus, Dean Stockwell is capable as our lead.  As for the look of the lycanthrope, The Werewolf of Washington goes old school.  I love a monster in a suit and tie.  You can enjoy this film as a political satire (there are many allusions to Watergate, which was a fresh wound at the time), but clearly, I was watching from a different vantage point.  Whether it was an advantage or a disadvantage, well, it's hard to say.  On second thought, it's easy to say.  I had fun with The Werewolf of Washington.  It salvaged a lazy Sunday for me, so I'll give it a full-throated recommendation.  If I sound like I'm howling, I'm not trying to be cute.

I lied.  I'm trying to be cute.

Blood Capsule #391

COOL WORLD (1992)

This isn't really a horror film, but it does fall within the parameters of "dark fantasy."  Honestly, I was just in a 90's mood.  I recently watched Ralph Bakshi's Fire and Ice, and it made me anxious to call up this curiosity.  Cool World was originally conceived as a horror ditty.  In the end, it metamorphosed into a darker strain of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?  That includes a sultry sexpot that gives Jessica Rabbit a run for her money.  If you'll pardon the pun, the rules and machinations of our 2D/3D blended universe are a bit inky.  A mad scientist in the "cool world" finds the nexus of reality whereupon doodles (cartoons) can cross over into the brick-and-mortar dimension and interact with noids (humans).  Brad Pitt plays Frank, a motorcycle enthusiast who is zapped to the "cool world" when he is involved in a deadly collision.  Cut to fifty years later.  Frank has adjusted to life amongst the doodles.  Everything is stable until an imprisoned artist taps into the toonscape and threatens life on Earth by copulating with the come-hither Holly Would.

You don't have sex with cartoons.  Everyone knows that.  Why, it's practically the proverb that anchors my existence.  The question is, does Cool World manage to marry live action with wacky animation?  For the most part, yeah.  Many of the backgrounds are downright ugly (too many bells and whistles, sometimes literally), but for 1992, the special effects are adequate.  The storyline attempts to juggle two main characters.  I liked Pitt, although Gabriel Byrne is hit-and-miss as Jack Deebs.  How did he gain access to art supplies in prison?  Needless to say, there are a few questions in desperate need of answers.  That hardly matters.  Cool World serves up a steady ration of screwball entertainment that doesn't do much to earn its PG-13 rating.  8-year-old Dom would have had a field day with it.  Recommended to fans of Kim Basinger in her prime.  I had a crush on her thanks to 1989's Batman.  Good Lord, this flick would have sent me over the edge.

Pairs well with Evil Toons.

Blood Capsule #390

BLOOD & DONUTS (1995)

I had a double cheeseburger earlier, and it's not sitting well with me.  I only mention it because...well, I didn't know how to start this review.  My rule of thumb for situations like these is to state whatever is on my mind.  Thinking about donuts isn't helping matters, I can tell you that.  Blood & Donuts is a Canadian horror/comedy hybrid with a quirky personality.  Its status as an obscure genre film from the mid-90's makes me want to dig it more than I do.  Let's get the plot out of the way.  An errant golf ball awakens a vampire from his self-imposed dormancy.  Must be a light sleeper.  We don't learn too much about him, but we do see him befriend a cab driver in between falling in love with a waitress and scaring off a few gangsters.  That's the synopsis in a nutshell.  Helene Clarkson plays Molly (the waitress), and I just found out that she was in an episode of The X-Files.  Huh.  Louis Ferreira plays Earl (the cab driver).  The script hinges on him being likeable, but um, he grated my nerves.

Gordon Currie is excellent as Boya, our bemused bloodsucker.  He brings a thousand shades to a character that could have been one-dimensional.  I do prefer more monstrous vampires, but a little variety never hurt anyone.  I wasn't sold on the comedic aspects of this flick.  Then again, I'm not sold on comedy in general.  Who are you to try and get me to laugh?  Mind your own business, man.  David Cronenberg cameos as a crime boss.  Blood & Donuts couldn't be any more Canadian if Boya sucked maple syrup directly from a tree.  Almost 4 Z'Dars.  I was entertained.  Again, I want to sing praises from the rooftops, but you'll never get my wheelchair on a roof.  Also, this isn't my favorite relic from 1995.  The double cheeseburger was from McDonald's, by the way.  No mustard.  My stomach hates me like vampires hate sunlight.

My book-exclusive reviews will be...

I really want you to buy my second book when it comes out.  To make it a little more enticing, I'm going to throw in extra reviews that you won't be able to read online.  I wrote exclusives for the first book, but those were eventually published on this very website.  These upcoming reviews will NEVER see the light of day outside of the second book.  So what will I be reviewing?  How about the entire Friday the 13th franchise???  Yes, that includes Freddy vs. Jason and the remake.  Believe it or not, I've never written about these movies in any capacity.  I might have posted an informal assessment of Freddy vs. Jason on a message board when it came out, but that was eons ago.

Now if you'll excuse me, there is a certain box set that I've been impatiently waiting to crack open.  I'll post progress reports from time to time, so stay tuned!