Retirement (Repost)

Okay, so I guess I'll go ahead and announce it.  Once I hit Blood Capsule #400, I'll have enough reviews for my second book.  At which point, two things will happen.  1!  I'll commence work on the book.  2!  I will retire as a horror journalist/movie critic.  In effect, I'll be retiring the site, although I'll leave it up for posterity.  This hasn't been an easy decision to reach, but guys, I've been writing about horror movies in some way since 2002.  That's A LOT of reviews.  I've only been doing it "professionally" for a little while, and that brings me to my next point.

My Patreon will remain active because once I'm done with the site, I'll be making YouTube my full-time gig.  You may have noticed my slow transformation into a YouTuber.  I'm not particularly good at it, but I can only get better.  I do plan on upgrading my camera set-up next year.  By my calculations, I won't hit Blood Capsule #400 for at least a few months.  Ideally, I'll have the second book out for the summer.  In the meantime?  Check out that Patreon.  I appreciate the support.  I have to say, I'm definitely ready to hang it up.  You can expect the remaining Capsule reviews to be exceedingly weird and obscure.  Gotta go out with a bang and all that.

I'll be posting this notice at least twice to make sure everyone sees it.  Thanks for reading!

Blood Capsule #350

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2025)

I have the World Series on in the background.  It's irrelevant, but I want you to know that I hate the Dodgers.  I tried to come up with a clever baseball metaphor for this movie.  Alas, I got nothing.  I guess I should start by talking about the original.  I dig it!  It's more of an "old school" slasher than the derivatives that followed in its wake.  To be frank, I despise I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, and I feel pretty comfortable saying that I'll never watch it again.  This re-quel...eh.  I admit, I was curious.  Would it simply rehash a proven formula?  Well, kinda.  A new group of almost-teens inadvertently causes a car to tumble down the side of a mountain.  One year later, the bubbly Danica receives a portentous note at her bridal shower.  It reads, "I can't believe how hot Jennifer Love Hewitt is at age 46.  Good for her."  Obviously, our characters are hooked and gutted by a maniac wearing a fisherman's rain slicker.  No spoilers, but there are plot twists galore.

Actually, I'll start there.  This movie has too many endings.  The script seems to be in love with itself.  I'm sure that writer/director Jennifer Kaytin Robinson had pure intentions, but the third act felt like an episode of Monday Night Raw.  That's not a compliment.  And yet, I enjoyed the vapid absurdity of it all.  I was in the mood for a stupid slasher, so I didn't actively hate this flick.  It was cute having Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar return to the...franchise?  Does this count as a franchise?  I don't see where they could go with another sequel.  None of the main characters are interesting enough to carry a follow-up, and try as they might, the hook-handed villain just hasn't connected as a horror icon.  I mean, have you ever seen little fishermen go trick-or-treating?  If you have, how do you know they weren't dressed as the Gorton's fisherman?  Got you there.

"Retirement" (The Major Announcement)

Okay, so I guess I'll go ahead and announce it.  Once I hit Blood Capsule #400, I'll have enough reviews for my second book.  At which point, two things will happen.  1!  I'll commence work on the book.  2!  I will retire as a horror journalist/movie critic.  In effect, I'll be retiring the site, although I'll leave it up for posterity.  This hasn't been an easy decision to reach, but guys, I've been writing about horror movies in some way since 2002.  That's A LOT of reviews.  I've only been doing it "professionally" for a little while, and that brings me to my next point.

My Patreon will remain active because once I'm done with the site, I'll be making YouTube my full-time gig.  You may have noticed my slow transformation into a YouTuber.  I'm not particularly good at it, but I can only get better.  I do plan on upgrading my camera set-up next year.  By my calculations, I won't hit Blood Capsule #400 for at least a few months.  Ideally, I'll have the second book out for the summer.  In the meantime?  Check out that Patreon.  I appreciate the support.  I have to say, I'm definitely ready to hang it up.  You can expect the remaining Capsule reviews to be exceedingly weird and obscure.  Gotta go out with a bang and all that.

Thanks for reading!

Blood Capsule #349

BLOOD TRACKS (1985)

So you think you've seen every heavy metal horror movie from the 80's, huh?  I thought I had as well, but then I discovered Blood Tracks.  This is a Swedish slasher that only made its debut on blu-ray last year.  The plot borrows tropes from 1984's Monster Dog and even Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes.  A rock group decides to invade a small town in the Rockies to shoot a music video at an abandoned factory.  Band members, along with a motley crew (ha!) of groupies and managers, are picked off one by one in increasingly brutal ways.  The villains are demystified early on, as we are shown a domestic dispute that ends with a (bleeding) woman leaving her home with her children in tow.  Cut to twenty years later.  The children are now bestial hermits who will kill anyone unlucky enough to...well, to shoot a music video at an abandoned factory.  The glam band is designated with the moniker of Solid Gold, although they are played by actual musicians who comprise a Swedish act named Easy Action.  According to IMDb, they later regretted simply not playing themselves.

Between you and me?  I don't think that should have been their chief regret.  The dudes in Easy Action are not actors, but by the same token, the other actors are probably not actors, at least in a professional sense.  You won't remember any of these characters.  Did I remember the faces in Black Roses or Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare?  No, but those flicks have a feral spirit, not to mention tawdry creature effects.  On the upside, the death sequences are often hilarious.  We see a person ripped apart by a booby trap, and I'm still not 100% sure what triggered the trap or how it even works.  This thing would confuse Jigsaw.  Now, Blood Tracks has a theme song of sorts.  However, it was never officially released, so you can't buy it or stream it anywhere.  I suppose you could binge Easy Action tunes if the mood struck you.  Is Blood Tracks worth recommending?  Not really.  Maybe if you're a heavy metal horror completionist.  As a slasher, it barely gets the job done.  I do appreciate the goofball gore.  Watch it if there is literally nothing else to watch.

Announcement postponed...

I realize that I'm supposed to be making a major announcement, but we have family in the hospital right now.  I won't have time to write anything for a few days.  Everything else should be on time and on-point, however.

See you in a few!

Blood Capsule #348

THE TOXIC AVENGER (2023)

I totally get why some people were looking forward to this film.  By the same token, I totally get why some people were dreading it.  Could a big-budget Toxie successfully emulate the D.I.Y. turbulence that fueled Lloyd Kaufman in 1984?  Having seen it, I think that director Macon Blair had his heart in the right place.  I'll even go one step further and say that casting Peter Dinklage was a stroke of brilliance.  Seeing a diminutive Toxie in all of his mop-wielding glory gave The Toxic Avenger a touch of...Charles Band-ism?  It's hard to quantify.  Whatever it was, it worked.  Here, everyone's favorite janitor is named Winston.  He wants to set a good example for his son, but before he gets a chance to do anything terribly noble, a pack of wild goons decides to jettison his 48-inch frame into a vat of neon chemicals.  I'll level with you.  I wanted to like this flick, but I'm not so sure that I did.  There are a couple of reasons for that, and this is where I'll point you in the direction of the second paragraph.

At several points during the 2025 (or 2023, depending on which website you're using as a reference guide) version of The Toxic Avenger, it strains to be vulgar.  It tries too hard to offend you.  The original was effortlessly blue.  It didn't try to be anything; it just was what it was.  As for the bloodshed, yes, the violence is over-the-top.  However, nothing is particularly shocking or rewind-worthy.  As silly as it sounds, I was expecting dead kids.  Where are all the dead kids???  What's more, the polished nature of Toxie '25 ends up working against the film, in my estimation.  It definitely doesn't feel trashy.  The acting is fine.  I dug Kevin Bacon as the villainous Bob Garbinger.  And again, Dinklage does a splendid job anchoring everything.  I'm going to have to go with 2.5 Z'Dars.  By all means, form your own opinion.  To tell you the truth, I've never been a huge Troma fan to begin with.  I do have a few sick Toxic Crusaders comic books in my collection, and no, you can't have them.

Listener DOMination

So Liquid Metal on Sirius XM has a show called Listener Domination where you can send in three "requests" that they might play.  I just sent my e-mail.  If chosen, I'll be asked to record an audio spot for my songs.  It's all incredibly dorky.  Why not, right?  If you're curious, my tunes are Death's "Zero Tolerance," Cannibal Corpse's "Festering in the Crypt," and Dissection's "God of Forbidden Light."

Blood Capsule #347

MY UNCLE THE ALIEN (1996)

1999's Bats is a decent time waster.  I was going to review it until a friend came over and we watched...this.  This flick defies description.  It's not a horror film, but I'm forgoing the necessary criteria for a review subject.  That sort of thing can be waived on the grounds that, well, it's my site.  So there.  You can tell that My Uncle the Alien was never meant to be reviewed.  It was never meant to be dissected or analyzed by mere mortals.  I think director Henri Charr (more on him in a minute) just figured that no one would ever see this uncanny schlock.  And he's right, but I saw it.  I saw what you did, Henri!  The storyline centers around the president's daughter.  It's all very Hallmark, although I can't find proof that Uncle/Alien was made for television.  Anyway, the First Brat has been friends with an extraterrestrial for awhile now.  We are told this right away in a prologue of sorts.  Zero exposition, zero explication, zero elucidation.  This kid hangs out with a visitor from the stars.  End of.  That's all we need to know, I suppose?

After we meet the principal players, little Kelly is kidnapped by a couple of dunderheads.  By the way, most of the adults here are dunderheads.  Kelly and her friends have no problem outsmarting the Secret Service.  So there's an alien, remember?  He resembles Bob Newhart.  You could easily put Bob Newhart in his place, sans make-up, and the film wouldn't be any different.  Does our alien save the day and stymie Kelly's captors?  Nope.  He literally sits and watches as they tie her to a post.  The moppet snatchers have enough time to take a breather and decide how much ransom money they should demand.  Bear in mind, we have seen the alien zap several people with a...um, zapper.  Maybe it can only be used intermittently.  Maybe it saps the alien's strength.  I'm trying to offer an explanation because My Uncle the Alien doesn't.  Spoiler alert!  Actually, I can't even remember how the plot resolves itself.  This may sound like a z-grade affair, but all nonsense considered, this is a cushy production.  At one point, the characters enter a wax museum and interact with loads of intellectual properties that couldn't have appeared in a legal capacity without some stroke behind the camera.

Before helming My Uncle the Alien, Henri Charr dabbled in smut.  My favorite title on his IMDb page would have to be 1995's Cellblock Sisters: Banished Behind Bars.  I ask you, when can we expect 4K restorations?