Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction?

This isn't a "review" per se.  I just wanted to talk about this thing.  Y'know, people tend to romanticize the 80's for its innate wackiness.  And if you grew up during that decade, I get how that would be your truth.  But dude, the 90's.  You want wacky?  No one blinked when ostensibly real autopsy footage was aired on network television (in a primetime slot, no less).  Moreover, it pulled great ratings!  This would never fly in the modern zeitgeist.  UFO sightings make headlines once in a blood moon, but Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction? would never find an audience in 2024, assuming it was made at all.

Eventually released on home video by Vidmark Entertainment (as if it wasn't weird enough), Autopsy is a 45-minute pseudo-documentary with a smattering of bold claims up its sleeve.  In addition to eyewitness testimonies, it purports to show the autopsy of an extraterrestrial corpse administered in 1947.  A private investigator is hired to track down the cameraman, although I don't think I need to spoil that one for you.

I love how this special pats itself on the back.  I'm paraphrasing, but we are told by a panel of experts that "if the video is a hoax, it's incredibly well-done."  The audacity!  To be fair, it is incredibly well-done, so I can't say that anyone here is exaggerating.  Stan Winston shows up at one point.  He later claimed that his comments were taken out of context, that he very clearly stated his opinion that the video was, indeed, a hoax.

And yep, it was a hoax, but in 1995, viewers weren't entirely sure.  Some of the interviews are one hundred percent candid.  For example, Frankie Rowe comes across as genuine and somewhat damaged by her experiences.  It's patently obvious that she isn't acting, which only makes Autopsy more engrossing.  The stonefaced delivery of host Jonathan Frakes (he of Star Trek fame) plays a role in substantiating the eerie atmosphere.  I'm not saying that I believe every word that Autopsy launches our way; what I am saying is that it's a cool, creepy nostalgia trip.  I remember watching it as a kid in between episodes of The Simpsons and The X-Files.

I've said this before, but I'm borderline obsessed with mid-90's pop culture, especially 1995.  Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction? scratches that itch for me in a major way.  Even if you approach it as pure bubblegum entertainment, it's worth watching at least once.  Remember, we are not alone!

Blood Capsule #240

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THE DRILLER KILLER (1979)

In theory, I liked this movie.  In execution, it was a polyp gestating on the lining of my colon.  I realize that there isn't much gray area between those two, um, circumstances, but The Driller Killer is a grindhouse feature that you will either love or hate.  It could loosely be called a character study.  The character it studies is an unhinged artist named Reno living in the slummy paunch of New York.  Played by then-fledgling director Abel Ferrara, Reno has a number of issues that vary in terms of human interest.  His girlfriend entertains the advances of an ex, his art dealer employer rebukes his work, and to top it all off, the punk band upstairs won't stop practicing.  A word on the punk band...they are called The Roosters, and they suck.  I suppose that you need an ear for crude, drugged out rock to appreciate them, but we have to sit through way, way too much of their music.

What about the drill-killing, you ask?  It takes awhile for Reno to brandish his weapon of choice.  Yes, there is plenty of blood, but aside from the last ten minutes, the deaths are passionately humdrum.  Hmm, Passionately Humdrum would make for a great band name.  It's better than The Roosters anyway.  Yeah, I didn't get much out of The Driller Killer.  It does have its fans.  I can see the appeal, especially if you pair it up with Frank Henenlotter's Basket Case for a sleazy double feature.  Again, in theory?  It's okay.  Honestly, I'd be in favor of a remake.  Recommended to fans of recreational rotary tools.

Mortis in WWE?

So check this out...I found Mortis dark matches from 2003.  What's more, he's purple!  How awesome is that???  I can't believe that Vinnie Mac never gave this gimmick a fair shot on the main roster.  You have to think that just a few years later, Mortis would have fit perfectly on WWE's ECW.  If you want a random "lol" moment, the first match in this video is against Austin Aries.

Blood Capsule #239

THE KINDRED (1987)

I wanted to end my mad "14 in 14" experiment on a high note, so it's a good thing that I took a chance on this sci-fi/horror sleeper.  Nutshell review?  Rad monster, no other notes needed.  At least that's what I would write on Letterboxd, provided I had the time and energy to maintain my Letterboxd account.  I want to make sure that I don't bury the lede.  This flick is a dream, and I'm genuinely surprised - no, mortified that it remains criminally underseen.  It didn't even debut on disc until three years ago.  Apparently, a swathe of legal red tape safeguarded its status as a VHS rarity for years.  Now that I think about it, I might own it on video, but I'd have to check my haunted closet to be sure.  None of that matters.  The Kindred is based on an original screenplay, though you would swear that it's an adaptation of an H.P. Lovecraft story.  After John's mother dies of a heart attack, he is tasked with canvassing his childhood home (not in the political sense).  You see, Mom was working on a paragraph break.  Hold that thought.

Anyway, it turns out that the matriarch of John's family, herself a scientist, was conducting genetic research of some kind.  It was her dying wish that her experiments be terminated.  Why?  What horrible secrets can be found in the Anthony journals?  And who the hell is Anthony???  My lips are sealed, but I will tell you that the answer involves a cluster bomb of slime, tentacles, and other sweet practical effects.  The climax is a trip, man.   According to the behind-the-scenes featurette on the Blu-ray, co-directors Jeffrey Obrow and Stephen Carpenter were able to play with a budget of $3 million.  It shows.  Moreover, we get to know three-dimensional characters as the horror unfolds.  I don't know who was responsible for the dialogue (there are five people credited as writers, and that includes Psycho scribe Joseph Stefano), but everyone sounds grounded. 

I can't heap enough praises on The Kindred.  It comes dangerously close to 5-Z'Dar territory.  Recommended to fans of awesome stuff.

Taken from the bonkers UK poster.

Blood Capsule #238

STOPMOTION (2023)

I'm a fan of stop-motion animation.  I want to get that out of the way because I'm about to disparage this film.  We're not talking relentless butchery (as the half-hearted rating can attest), but I was definitely disappointed.  The storyline makes clever use of the tried-and-true special effects technique.  A stop-motion artist named Ella is knee-deep in the production of her mother's film.  When Mom is sidelined with dour health issues, Ella is faced with "demons" that threaten to level her mental faculties.  I'm using quotation marks out of selective necessity.  The villain(s) is hard to describe, and truth be told, you probably shouldn't read any reviews of Stopmotion before you press play.  As the running time progresses, the film reveals itself to be a challenge.  To be specific, it reveals itself to be the one kind of horror that I've always struggled to decipher and/or comprehend.  What kind is that?  Arthouse horror.  I shivered just typing the words.

Writer/director Robert Morgan submerges his characters in metaphors, both visual and contextual.  Some are oblique.  Others are more direct.  All of them facilitate painting a narrative that prioritizes creepy imagery over cogent storytelling.  And that's fine if you're in the mood for something offbeat and pretentious.  Those adjectives may carry negative connotations, but I don't want to ridicule Stopmotion for not catering to my tastes.  There are cool moments.  I found Caoilinn Springall's performance as the nameless neighbor to be chilling.  Unfortunately, my mind kept asking questions that were never going to be answered.  Like, how does Ella support herself?  Where are the little girl's parents, and how is it seemingly so easy for her to bulldoze her way through Ella's social circles?  Ultimately, half of this review is going to be meaningless if you haven't seen Stopmotion.  So either check it out on Shudder or...um, stop reading.

Blood Capsule #237

ZOLTAN: HOUND OF DRACULA (1977)

I'm a dog person.  I don't know if that made it easier for me to appreciate this film.  Of course, I wanted to play fetch with Zoltan and give him plenty of cuddles.  The viewer isn't supposed to warm up to the damned Doberman, but it's not my fault that the dog looks cute with vampire fangs.  If you're a dog person, I'm sure you can relate.  This is a pure-bred b-movie of the highest caliber.  A matter-of-fact prologue sets the tone as Communist soldiers inadvertently exhume the remains of one Count Dracula.  They subsequently disturb the caskets of his two servants, the skeletal Veidt and his emotional support animal of sorts.  We follow them as they track down Dracula's last living relative.  Our protagonists - a very vanilla family - have pets of their own.  I'll go ahead and praise the non-human cast members.  I suppose I should praise their trainers, but I have a weakness for German Shepherds.

Obviously, this is a silly flick.  It's worth mentioning, however, that it takes itself rather seriously.  There are copious shots of Zoltan piercing the necks of other canines, and director Albert Band frames them in such a way that they could have been death sequences involving regular people.  You're only going to get that kind of pokerfaced absurdity from the 70's.  On the acting front, Michael Pataki is grounded as Mr. Drake.  Get it?  Don't roll your eyes.  José Ferrer plays Zoltan's equivalent of Dr. Van Helsing with authority.  Try as they might, the flesh-colored thespians are not as compelling as their furry counterparts.  Screenwriter Frank Ray Perilli also wrote Laserblast.  Make of that what you will.  For the record, Zoltan: Hound of Dracula (a.k.a. Dracula's Dog) is leagues above Laserblast.  Recommended to fans of The Pack, Man's Best Friend, and parvo.

NOTE: I was set on 3.5 Z'Dars until the closing frames.  I won't spoil anything, but suffice to say, we were cheated out of a sequel.

Blood Capsule #236

WITCHBOARD 2: THE DEVIL'S DOORWAY (1993)

This one just missed my cutoff for Random Sequel Month.  It was in the running for three main reasons.  1) I dig 1986's Witchboard.  2) I dig director Kevin Tenney.  3) I dig Ami Dolenz.  It should come as no surprise that I dug Witchboard 2.  While it's an in-name-only sequel, it could be argued that it outpaces the original.  To be honest, it's a toss-up.  The plots are fairly similar.  After breaking up with her possessive boyfriend, Paige moves into a cavernous loft apartment.  She finds a Ouija board in the closet, and because this is a horror treat, she decides to put hand to planchette faster than you can say "Here I Go Again."  Wrong actress, I know, but I'm contractually obligated to make a Whitesnake joke in this review.  In any event, it seems that the former tenant of her living quarters was murdered.  Is a disturbed spirit trying to communicate with Paige?

In the distant future, scholars will anatomize Ami Dolenz's filmography.  She was the perfect final girl.  Hell, she made Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings watchable.  Aside from Ticks, The Devil's Doorway might be the best production to utilize her talents.  This isn't groundbreaking cinema, but it's polished enough to stand out from the pack.  The pace is spry, the camera is kinetic, and hey, we even get a car chase toward the finale.  Witchboard III: The Possession was churned out in 1995.  I've seen the trailer, and if it's okay with you, I think I'll pass.  No Tenney, no dice.  Random trivia!  The apartment in the film was later used as Paddy's Pub in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  More random trivia!  David Coverdale was born in 1908 in the far reaches of the galaxy.

Blood Capsule #235

FOREVER EVIL (1987)

This will be a hard movie to describe.  I'm up to the challenge, but forgive me if I sound...conflicted?  I don't know, man.  Parts of Forever Evil are interminably boring, yet other parts recall the resourceful horrors of The Evil Dead.  Of course, there is a caveat.  It doesn't hold a candle to The Evil Dead, nor does it possess the wax required to fashion such a candle.  Aside from sharing similarly miserly budgets, the two films have comparable plots.  Friends gather at an isolated cabin to play cards and discuss high-tech inventions (just roll with it).  It doesn't take long - like, at all - before one of the girls is gutted in the shower.  She was pregnant, but the fetus is missing.  Other characters turn up dead, one by hanging and one by off-camera methods.  The killer?  Well, how about a Lovecraftian god?  I definitely appreciated the film's cosmic bent.

Forever Evil was shot on 16mm, which looks glorious.  Again, there are moments that flirt with brilliance.  The surrogate villain is a ridiculously rotting zombie, and the film just stops at one point so that our baddie can pull out his own eyeball.  That.  I needed more of that.  Regrettably, the exposition is abound with pages upon pages of sardonic dialogue.  The talking never seems to end.  I wouldn't mind the, shall we say, patient pacing (the acting is actually decent), but the running time is...go ahead, guess.  Would you believe 106 minutes?  And the director's cut is even longer!  Somehow, I came away from this b-lark with a dopey smile on my face.  When it goes, it goes hard.  If I were Joe Bob Briggs (oh, let me pretend), the drive-in totals would include occult frippery, demonic baby fu, and gratuitous pyrotechnics.  3.5 Z'Dars.  Joe Bob says...er, Dom says check it out.