Witching & Bitching

Remember The Last Circus?  I reviewed it back in 1973 years before it was made.  Anyhow, it was a genre-hurdling masterpiece framed by Alex de la Iglesia, a cult filmmaker who has been at it for well over two decades.  I didn't know that he was responsible for 2013's Witching & Bitching when I saw the trailer, but I did know that I was interested.  Like most of Alex's filmography, it's a paste-up of incommensurate styles.  Horror (duh), comedy, heist, romance...it tackles each flake of the cinematic spectrum with respect for the medium.  That's something a professional critic would say, isn't it?  Am I doing well?

There is almost too much plot for one movie.  Two men stage a fairly elaborate jewelry caper, the artifice involving the son of the dude in charge.  It's a risky play, but they pull it off and attempt to vamoose across border lines.  And they come so close to getting away with it, too!  That's just the first act of a 112-minute bijou, so I'm not spoiling anything.  By all means, rent this spooktacular.  It's entertaining as hell, especially if you fell in love with From Dusk Till Dawn.  It's easy to make that connection, as the two flicks are partitioned in the same manner.  For 30 solid minutes, you would never guess that you're watching a witchy wing-ding.

Of course, evil bitches eventually emerge.  They kidnap the little boy, tote him to an underground lair and prepare him to be devoured by The Great Mother.  Christ, wait until you see her (think Dead Alive).  There are also subplots running parallel to the cardinal thread.  Witching & Bitching is a lot to digest, but as much fun as I had scoping its chaos, I had to finish it in two separate sittings.  My eyes were heavy after trying to keep up with the subtitles.  Dialogue is copious, and the Spanish cast gabbles fleetly.  Jerry Seinfeld would call them "fast talkers."  I call them "fleet gabblers."  Hi, my name is Dom Coccaro, and I'm going to die alone.

The acting is first-rate.  It's hard to single out any one performance, so instead, I will adulate Carolina Bang's heat.  Because she is HOT.  She manages to be sultry and intimidating, which isn't easy to achieve.  Believe me; I can recall night after damaged night in front of a mirror to prove it (please don't ask).  For the most part, the special effects are fantastic.  If it weren't for that fucking CGI.  The Last Circus braved the exact same misfortunes, and it's extremely vexatious to have avoidable goofs crimp an otherwise fabulous picture.  Some of the minute details in the action went over my head, but aside from that, Witching & Bitching is rocking.

Shit, that would have made for a perfect closing sentence.  But!  I wanted to mention that the pace is harefooted.  It's faster than a pussycat.  Argh, was that really worth starting a new paragraph?  Review ruined!