Halloween Ends

I feel like I begin every review by recusing myself and asking the reader to pardon my flighty, rattlepated state of mind.  I'm belaboring the point, but at the same time, my temperament is going to affect the way I perceive a film.  Halloween Ends might be the exception to the rule.  No matter the conditions under which you see this redundant sequel, it's going to come off as a turgid, dispiriting drag.  Now, I have purposefully avoided the opinions of friends and strangers alike.  So I'll ask you.  Is anyone stumping for this jumble of derisory ideas?  Has it been sanctified by a hallowed member of the clergy?  Are there any copies available at Blockbuster?

Halloween Ends is a depressing movie on many levels.  God, where do I even start?  Laurie Strode has been given a complete overhaul.  Well-intentioned, I'm sure, but her permutation from gun-toting model of reprisal to apron-assuming coquette (imagine Laurie crowing about her "fucking tits" in 1978) is a little hard to swallow.  I digress!  Everything is dampened when her granddaughter moons over a bespectacled bad boy, a real blackguard established as the town pariah.  Okay, this motherfucker.  I despised him from the second he appeared on screen.

Not for nothing, but this flick volunteers a smattering of dating tips.  Looking to get laid?  Try dropkicking a child down a spiral staircase.  You'll be swimming in snatch fur in no time!  Why screenwriter Paul Brad Logan decided to focus on Corey, the threadbare muff diver in question, is anyone's best guess.  A great deal of the script's energy - a finite source - is funneled into a fuckwit who exhibits zero energy.  It's impermissible.  Seriously, I don't get it.  Rohan Campbell gives an adequate performance, but cadberry Christ, was he instructed to act like twice-baked cheddar potato casserole?

If Corey's specious coronation (I don't know what else to call it) isn't offensive enough, poor Mikey has been reduced to...remember Maniac Cop 2?  You know how Matt Cordell transiently teams up with a bum until he finally dispatches the dude?  That's what happens here, only it takes Mikey way too long to ice his short-lived accomplice.  There is one other difference between the two slashers; Maniac Cop 2 kicks ass!  Halloween Ends is stymied by a listless pace, a surplus of dull characters, and goddamn Corey.  I had another paragraph in me, but I became so preoccupied with you-know-who, that it has escaped my clutches.

Well, I lied.  Here is a brand new paragraph.  Fuck Halloween Ends.