Blood Capsule #394

HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS (1970)

Somewhat famously, this is a pastiche of other works.  Director Al Adamson was a big fan of a Filipino horror film, so he bought the rights to it.  And he released it through his boutique Blu-ray label?  No, he chopped it up and shot footage around it.  Can you imagine if this was still a common practice?  I guess it beats a lousy remake.  Anyway, Horror of the Blood Monsters is miserable.  It's a unique kind of misery, though.  On paper, I should have had a blast with a cheap flick that flaunts crab ghouls, oodles of vampires, bat-winged cave trolls, and John Carradine.  As with the bulk of pictures made toward the end of Carradine's career, you can't really tell if it was filmed before or after his death.  Hold onto something because this is the second consecutive review where I pull out a Spookies reference.  Hey, it's warranted.  Spookies is a cut-and-paste job, but it's edited in such a way that it feels halfway cohesive.  Blood Monsters is...um, what's an antonym for "cohesive"?  It's that.  It's really, really that.

A lifeless battle between warring neanderthal tribes is rudely interrupted by a sex scene in which a couple is somehow governed by chromatic cycles of Christmas lights.  How is that an actual sentence that I just typed?  Better question; how is this an actual movie that I watched?  Despite the fact that things do happen in Blood Monsters, it's a frustratingly dull sit.  What a waste of a great title.  Do I have anything else to add?  Nope.  I did catch a well-crafted sci-fi/horror nugget last night.  I would have reviewed it, but I don't have much to say about it.  It's called Sputnik.  You can check it out on Shudder.  See, it's good, whereas Horror of the Blood Monsters is bad.  My job here is done.

Blood Capsule #393

INVASION OF THE MINDBENDERS (1987)

I'm a man of culture.  What does that mean?  It means that one of my favorite movies of all time is Spookies.  If I could remember my Letterboxd password, it would make my top four.  Easily.  I've defended it on numerous occasions, and I've even defended its (co-)director.  I'm referring to Genie Joseph.  I have long held the belief that Genie is the unsung hero of the Spookies story.  If she wasn't such an inept filmmaker, I don't think the film would have become...what it has become.  On a sidenote, if you're lost, and you haven't apprised yourself of Spookies, get on it.  My devotion to Spookies led me to Invasion of the Mindbenders, one of the few other credits on Genie's resume.  It was made after Spookies, so you'd think there would be a visible uptick in production cost.  Not necessarily.  Dear God, not necessarily.  For most of the running time, the film functions as a teen comedy.  In the eleventh hour, it decides to try its hand at science fiction.

So imagine Disturbing Behavior if it wasn't an actual movie.  There is some semblance of a "mind control" plot, but basically, the kids at Whatever High start acting funny.  The main characters realize that by playing melodic tones over the PA, the principal has been instituting a behavioral modification thingamabob to elicit obedience from his students.  Oh, and there's an alien.  Mindbenders is a chore.  It's not cute, it's not charming, and it's not well-directed (italicized for dramatic effect).  What did I expect?  How about special effects?  There are none until the closing frames.  By that point, I was ready to toss my VCR into the street.  What's worse, everyone - I mean everyone - in front of the camera screams their dialogue at seemingly random intervals.  They just scream.  Maybe it's supposed to be ironic.  Ugh.  I won't say that I regret buying Invasion of the Mindbenders because it's nice to have as a Spookies fan.  Who am I kidding?  I totally regret it. It's horrible.  Horrible.

Progress report?

I won't post here every time I write a review, but I wanted you folks (yes, you folks) to know that I just finished my write-up of Friday the 13th.  You're going to want to read it.  I'll check in with another progress report in a couple weeks.  Oh boy!

Blood Capsule #392

THE WEREWOLF OF WASHINGTON (1973)

This is as close to politics as I'll ever be as a writer.  I want nothing to do with it.  In fact, politics are such a turn-off, I may have subconsciously avoided this flick for years because of the premise alone.  Maybe that's silly (it certainly feels silly to type), but that's where we are.  I'm glad that I swallowed my pride long enough to imbibe The Werewolf of Washington, as it turned out to be a delight.  I've seen it referenced as a spoof.  That's a misnomer, dear reader.  This is horror that takes itself seriously.  It would be more accurate to say that the script is leavened with sharp punches of comedy that never threaten to outstrip or overwhelm the core of the matter.  What is the core of the matter?  Dean Stockwell plays Jack Whittier, the Press Secretary of the White House who also (full) moonlights as the President's speechwriter.  While on assignment in Europe, he is accosted by gypsies and bitten by a sand shark.  Just kidding...gotta make sure you're paying attention.  He's bitten by a quadrupedal werewolf.  Obviously, that complicates his standing in life.  It really complicates the end of this paragraph.

Jack pursues a romance with the President's daughter.  Can he safeguard her well-being, or will he simply tear through her security detail?  The dialogue is full of little quips and barbs.  I liked Jack's response to being warned about the grave implications of a pentagram ("So the Pentagon is behind it, huh?").  Plus, Dean Stockwell is capable as our lead.  As for the look of the lycanthrope, The Werewolf of Washington goes old school.  I love a monster in a suit and tie.  You can enjoy this film as a political satire (there are many allusions to Watergate, which was a fresh wound at the time), but clearly, I was watching from a different vantage point.  Whether it was an advantage or a disadvantage, well, it's hard to say.  On second thought, it's easy to say.  I had fun with The Werewolf of Washington.  It salvaged a lazy Sunday for me, so I'll give it a full-throated recommendation.  If I sound like I'm howling, I'm not trying to be cute.

I lied.  I'm trying to be cute.

Blood Capsule #391

COOL WORLD (1992)

This isn't really a horror film, but it does fall within the parameters of "dark fantasy."  Honestly, I was just in a 90's mood.  I recently watched Ralph Bakshi's Fire and Ice, and it made me anxious to call up this curiosity.  Cool World was originally conceived as a horror ditty.  In the end, it metamorphosed into a darker strain of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?  That includes a sultry sexpot that gives Jessica Rabbit a run for her money.  If you'll pardon the pun, the rules and machinations of our 2D/3D blended universe are a bit inky.  A mad scientist in the "cool world" finds the nexus of reality whereupon doodles (cartoons) can cross over into the brick-and-mortar dimension and interact with noids (humans).  Brad Pitt plays Frank, a motorcycle enthusiast who is zapped to the "cool world" when he is involved in a deadly collision.  Cut to fifty years later.  Frank has adjusted to life amongst the doodles.  Everything is stable until an imprisoned artist taps into the toonscape and threatens life on Earth by copulating with the come-hither Holly Would.

You don't have sex with cartoons.  Everyone knows that.  Why, it's practically the proverb that anchors my existence.  The question is, does Cool World manage to marry live action with wacky animation?  For the most part, yeah.  Many of the backgrounds are downright ugly (too many bells and whistles, sometimes literally), but for 1992, the special effects are adequate.  The storyline attempts to juggle two main characters.  I liked Pitt, although Gabriel Byrne is hit-and-miss as Jack Deebs.  How did he gain access to art supplies in prison?  Needless to say, there are a few questions in desperate need of answers.  That hardly matters.  Cool World serves up a steady ration of screwball entertainment that doesn't do much to earn its PG-13 rating.  8-year-old Dom would have had a field day with it.  Recommended to fans of Kim Basinger in her prime.  I had a crush on her thanks to 1989's Batman.  Good Lord, this flick would have sent me over the edge.

Pairs well with Evil Toons.

Blood Capsule #390

BLOOD & DONUTS (1995)

I had a double cheeseburger earlier, and it's not sitting well with me.  I only mention it because...well, I didn't know how to start this review.  My rule of thumb for situations like these is to state whatever is on my mind.  Thinking about donuts isn't helping matters, I can tell you that.  Blood & Donuts is a Canadian horror/comedy hybrid with a quirky personality.  Its status as an obscure genre film from the mid-90's makes me want to dig it more than I do.  Let's get the plot out of the way.  An errant golf ball awakens a vampire from his self-imposed dormancy.  Must be a light sleeper.  We don't learn too much about him, but we do see him befriend a cab driver in between falling in love with a waitress and scaring off a few gangsters.  That's the synopsis in a nutshell.  Helene Clarkson plays Molly (the waitress), and I just found out that she was in an episode of The X-Files.  Huh.  Louis Ferreira plays Earl (the cab driver).  The script hinges on him being likeable, but um, he grated my nerves.

Gordon Currie is excellent as Boya, our bemused bloodsucker.  He brings a thousand shades to a character that could have been one-dimensional.  I do prefer more monstrous vampires, but a little variety never hurt anyone.  I wasn't sold on the comedic aspects of this flick.  Then again, I'm not sold on comedy in general.  Who are you to try and get me to laugh?  Mind your own business, man.  David Cronenberg cameos as a crime boss.  Blood & Donuts couldn't be any more Canadian if Boya sucked maple syrup directly from a tree.  Almost 4 Z'Dars.  I was entertained.  Again, I want to sing praises from the rooftops, but you'll never get my wheelchair on a roof.  Also, this isn't my favorite relic from 1995.  The double cheeseburger was from McDonald's, by the way.  No mustard.  My stomach hates me like vampires hate sunlight.

My book-exclusive reviews will be...

I really want you to buy my second book when it comes out.  To make it a little more enticing, I'm going to throw in extra reviews that you won't be able to read online.  I wrote exclusives for the first book, but those were eventually published on this very website.  These upcoming reviews will NEVER see the light of day outside of the second book.  So what will I be reviewing?  How about the entire Friday the 13th franchise???  Yes, that includes Freddy vs. Jason and the remake.  Believe it or not, I've never written about these movies in any capacity.  I might have posted an informal assessment of Freddy vs. Jason on a message board when it came out, but that was eons ago.

Now if you'll excuse me, there is a certain box set that I've been impatiently waiting to crack open.  I'll post progress reports from time to time, so stay tuned!

Blood Capsule #389

SEA FEVER (2019)

So this one was tucked away in Shudder's list of supposed "creature features."  At first glance, it seems like a modern day variant of Deepstar Six or even The Abyss.  In truth, it's a bit more than that.  And less.  Wow, I'm doing a swell job of describing it so far.  You know what sucks about writing reviews of movies that I genuinely like?  Take Sea Fever, for example.  I have to tell you everything about it without telling you anything about it.  Basically, you're going to have to trust me.  Have I steered you wrong before?  Aside from that time when I steered you wrong?  A "sea fever" is a real malady that can befall sailors or anyone who has been out at sea for awhile.  Typically, it doesn't involve aqua parasites, though.  Full transparency!  I have a color bias.  No, I'm not racist; my favorite color is turquoise, so our maritime menace is cosmetically pleasing.  Now is a good time to mention that the underwater photography is absolutely stunning.  Hats off to director Neasa Hardiman for capturing the pulchritude of the ocean while still keeping it spooky.

Sea Fever's secret weapon?  Dependable acting.  It's worth noting that this is an Irish production.  You may need subtitles to catch all of the dialogue, as accents tend to be heavier than anchors.  Hermione Corfield delivers a focused performance as the somewhat somber Siobhan.  It's always helpful if your main protagonist is likeable.  Apparently, Toni Collette was slated to join the cast, but scheduling issues meant that the character of Freya would be played by Connie Nielsen.  The whole troupe is game.  I just realized that I haven't provided you with a synopsis.  All you need to know is that a fishing trawler runs afoul of a...I want to type "sea monster," but that's a little misleading.  Here's something that isn't misleading - the first half of Sea Fever borrows liberally from Alien's playbook.  I'm thinking of a certain scene in particular.  Of course, I shouldn't reveal too much.  This is an engrossing film that you'll want to discover on your own.  Strongly recommended to fans of 2020's Underwater and bioluminescent phytoplankton.  And juniper berries.  Don't forget juniper berries.