The "I Attended Raw" Write-Up

I'll try to post actual pictures tomorrow.

I had a blast!  That's all you need to read, but I worked too hard on this (no, I didn't).  Please read the whole thing, or I'll kick your ass (no, I won't).  In retrospect, I feel a little silly telling friends to tune in and look for me, not realizing I would be behind the camera.  That's where a block of "wheelchair people" were sitting.  I could barely see the TitanTron, and the poor Crips next to me couldn't see it at all.  There were other wheelchairs in the audience.  I can only hope they had more RESPECTFUL seating.  NOTE: I'm not talking about the view of the ring.  Our view was great.  I'm not going to bash WWE here, as it may have been the fault of the venue (in this case, the Greensboro Coliseum).

Let's talk about wrestling, shall we?  I've watched clips on WWE.com, and yeah, that's pretty much what the crowd sounded like.  I'm proud of us.  North Carolina is the fuck-up at state family gatherings.  The other states stop talking when NC walks into the room because they were prattling on our recent arrest, our pregnant stripper girlfriend and our discriminatory bathroom bill.  BUT we're a wrasslin' state.  Right now, as a Carolinian, that's all I have to cling to, aside from campestral mountain ranges and shit.

It is time.  For a list.

~ The crowd loved A.J. Styles.  Early on, they were booing the fuck out of Roman Reigns.  By the end of the Uso/Club match (which was awesome), the crowd was split evenly.  I dug the post-scuffle scuffle.  Styles Clash on a steel chair, bruh!  This feud is working.  I'm convinced that Reigns is the next Cena, but fuck that.  Turn him heel.  Soon!

~ Zayn/Owens versus Miz/Cesaro was the bout of the night.  All four guys understand storytelling...yes, even Mike.  At some point, they will have to make KO a babyface.  That's his only flaw as a heel; he's too likable!

~ The Shining Stars!  And so Raw became mediocre for a spell.  You can only repackage talents so many times before momentum is at an impasse.  Viewers know that these courtly Puerto Ricans are Los Matadores, and they still don't care about them.  Needless to say, the crowd was deceased for this one.  Beg Carlito to come back.  That's Epico and Primo's only hope.  I suppose you could run an angle with their grandfather.  Have him pay off a contract killer to stab Dana Brooke in the shower.  I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

~ Since I'm on the topic, Dana was fine in her match against Becky Lynch, but why did she win?  Why???  I understand that my precious Emma is injured (back surgery...son of a shit), but Dana?  And a roll-up?  Did Becky pay off a contract killer to stab Linda McMahon in the shower?  What the fuck?  If I had to wager a guess, creative wants to send Becky on a losing streak while the title picture sorts itself out.  This would also include beating the women who defeated her on her way back up the ladder.  Hopefully, it ends with Becky taking on Sasha Banks for the WWE Women's Championship.  Hopefully.

~ Jericho and Ambrose.  Whatever.  I'm loving Jericho's heel work.  I'm a fan.  I dig Ambrose.  But...meh.  They're trying so hard to push Dean as the new Mick Foley, the hardcore legend for this generation.  I'm not buying it.  Christ, he revved up a chainsaw in his match opposite Brock Lesnar.  What, was he going to chop him in half?  An Asylum Match.  Because he's crazy, remember?  One of the weapons hanging from the top of the cell was a mop.  Is goddamn Perry Saturn going to pop up out of nowhere?

~ Not entirely sure how it played off on TV, but the crowd erupted after the Golden Truth montage.  They're finally a tag team.  I was skeptical at first, but it clicked.  Okey-dokey, so book a confusion finish where R-Truth kicks Goldust in the face.  Fucking what!?  If they break up in the coming weeks, I will find a random child and remove his/her skeleton.

~ Kofi's callback to his old gimmick was hysterical.  I'm cool with The Vaudevillains standing tall, even though it's painfully obvious that they're not winning the belts on Sunday.

~ A word on the pyrotechnics.  My ears are sensitive, but I basically knew what to expect.  You can brace yourself, unless it's supposed to be a surprise.  Like The Dudley Boys.  They interrupted Big Cass, and my dick jumped into my nasal cavity.  My poor mom almost pissed herself.  There were little kids sitting close to the bang-boom illuminations.  Fuck them, I guess.

~ The ending was a riot.  I couldn't believe I was hearing a "Steph-an-ie!" chant.  In Flair country, of all places!

~ We didn't stick around for the dark match, but I know it was Jericho/Ambrose.  You could hear Y2J shitting on everyone throughout the coliseum.  Heh.

Oh, and Kalisto died.