Unlucky Charms

I don't know if this warrants a disclaimer, but I've been sick for a few days.  I believe I may be coming out of the "bug fog."  Congestion persists, as does the loblolly (it's a word, I swear on my own grave) secreted by my mucous membranes.  I mention these yucky details to point out that my dragging condition could very well color my opinion of 2013's Unlucky Charms.  I'm fucking irritable.  However, it's likely that a healthy Dom would find the exact same faults.  I thought it might be nice to conclude my Full Moon Five experiment with a recent production minted by the b-budget studio.  This one was directed by Charles Band himself.  We can blame him, just like I can blame myself for deciding to watch. Because I thought it would be "nice."  Hold up; I need my DayQuil hit.

On Full Moon Streaming, the running time is 70 minutes.  On IMDb, there is an uncut version listed at 80 minutes.  In fact, it's the only version listed.  What gives, Charlie?  Are you holding out on us?  The cuts would have to be related to the plot, as the death sequences don't leave room for extra gore.  Maybe extraneous characters crop up only to be carved up (think F13 Part IV...the hitchhiker).  Either way, I'm fine with Unlucky Charms being a spuddy, abbreviated sit.  It was marketed as yet another "killer leprechaun" romp and Mr. Band had the foreskin to sell Special Edition copies in a cereal box.  He's one hell of a huckster, you have to give him that.  As it turns out, the lep-dude is one of four "villains."  Quotation marks denote sarcasm, which means...

They're the good guys!  Look at the poster again.  Those are the good guys.  They lost their precious gemstones above ground (on Earth), and that's terrible news for humankind.  Whomever possesses said bangles wields power over the four sprites, and of course, the current owner happens to be a miserly narcissist.  Farr Darrig (the red leprechaun) doesn't want to commit acts of evil, but is his will strong enough?  Is he strong enough to be my man?  For some Band-y reason, this cinematic picador is known as Miscreants on Full Moon Streaming.  He has done that with more than a couple of flicks, I've noticed.  "Which title shall I change today?  I'm goddamn God!"  Oh, is it worth watching?  I forgot that part.

It's enjoyable to a certain extent.  The bulk of the acting is wretched, but Jeryl Prescott gives a standout performance as a Tyra Banks type.  She's the true antagonist.  It doesn't surprise me to learn that she was on The Walking Dead because I kept thinking that she was too talented for Unlucky Charms.  The make-up effects are weak.  Farr Darrig does not - I repeat - DOES NOT resemble the imp on the cover.  He's merely a guy with bad acne.  We are treated to bare flesh, though the lovely Anna Sophia Berglund seems to cover her breasts during a sex scene after we've seen her breasts.  It's odd.  She's on top.  There is no conceivable reason for her to obscure her nipples with one arm.  What the cuntiferous jizm???

To top it all off, the pace...actually, the pace is dandy.  There are plenty of lapses in logic I could dislimb, but I've reached my flagellation quota for the day.  Unlucky Charms is stunningly average.  The ending is rushed, so taking the running time misinformation into consideration, I'm willing to bet that a "Director's Cut" will surface, if anyone gives two fickle fucks.  And that!  Was!  The Full Moon Five!  I hurt!  Inside!

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