The Soda Jerk Unbound: Part 1 of 6

Did you guess The Soda Jerk?  No one did!  I probably won't keep the series going beyond this six-issue run, unless I happen upon other rare, hard-to-find sodas.  Here's the thing(amajig); I found these bubbly waters at a Cracker Barrel of all places.  I mean, they usually sell sodas in glass bottles, but the last time I was there, I spotted a twat-ton of pops (this will be the only instance where I use that term, Mr. Hakari).  Without further bullshit...


I'm not reviewing the mixed drink.  Nope, I'm reviewing the soda based on the mixed drink inspired by the actress.  Granted, there isn't much of a difference.  Neither libation* is alcoholic.  But Hollywood's Original has their own recipe, which contains a couple of secret ingredients.  It would be funny if one of those ingredients was vodka.  I swear, and this is my doltish tongue speaking, my bottle of Shirley Temple tasted a tiny bit alcoholic.  I know it's not.  See, a lovely pill I am currently taking stupefies my 'buds (that's how cool fuckers write it), and certain brews/vittles taste "off."  So who knows?  More importantly, did I just invalidate this column revival?  My tongue still works 95% of the time, so read on, you bitch-candied bandicoot.

It took 25 years, but my "soda" seeds finally grew.

For starters, why don't you stare at that beautiful label?  Hot pink and turquoise...my two favorite colors.  I'm not kidding.  I've always wanted to see those two colors twined as a result of some kind of promotional contrivance.  Like The New Day's ring gear!  If I ever saw a can in the aluminum flesh, I might faint.  I bet Shirley tastes better from a can.  On a sweltering summer day.  Condensation dripping from her body.  Why do I have an erec--woah, I got carried away there, didn't I?  Anyway, the beverage.  When it hits the palate, there is an initial gust of chilled nip.  A coolness.  Dare I say, a freshness.  The aftertaste isn't as gracious, in my expert opinion.  I enjoyed my experience with Shirley (am I reviewing a female escort?), but she was a tangy broad.

Dirty whores.

The flavor of a Shirley Temple is typically described as "cherry-ish, with pomegranate."  Before imbibing this baby, I had never tried one, so I can't comment on accuracy.  I'm envisioning a bartender producing a half-full glass of generic cherry cola, adding a cup (or whatever) of Sun Drop, mixing in grenadine, and finally, jazzing it all up with a splash of orange juice.  I was hoping for something closer to sarsaparilla, but it...well, it wasn't.  It was fruity and almost acidic.  Again, I'm not mad at it.  A whole big bunch of mortals seem to dig it just fine.  Plus, hot pink and turquoise.  I'm dumb enough to buy a case solely for the color scheme.  Judge me.  I don't care.

*I understand that libations by definition contain alcohol.  I was using the term in a loose, metaphorical way.  I'm full of whimsy.  That's why I'm so goddamn lovable.

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