Blood Capsule #209

ISLAND OF THE FISHMEN (1979)

I think I've made it clear that I have a well-documented admiration for "fishman" movies.  The last time I took a swim in these muddled, crepuscular waters, I encountered mediocrity in the shape of The Presence.  Just how many more "fishman" follies are snorkeling around out there?  You'd be surprised.  I have other titles in my sights, but for now, let's talk about Island of the Fishmen.  First off, you may have seen this film under a different designation.  In 1981, Roger Corman and Jim Wynorski released it as Screamers for American audiences.  It was refashioned and essentially repackaged, containing over fifteen minutes of new footage, some of which was added gore.  I peeped this version years ago, but my memories are hazy at best.  You may prefer the domestic cut.  Personally, I...need a paragraph break.

Borrowing elements from The Island of Dr. Moreau, the plot follows a prisoner ship that washes ashore onto a remote island.  The military doctor and his convict shipmates run afoul of a demented sportsman type who seems to hold authority over a (mad) scientist.  We also meet the scientist's beautiful daughter and the ichthyoid creatures that protect her.  Could these deep-sea customers be the descendants of the indwellers of Atlantis?  I hesitate to reveal much more.  This droning kind of synopsis might turn viewers away from Fishmen, but you know what?  I was entertained.  The sets are impressive, and while it does take time to start bubbling, the action is explosive.  Literally!  An erupting volcano turns the backdrop into a near-apocalyptic scene of falling stalactites and roving fishmen.

Island of the Fishmen is divested of the sleaze and bloodshed you'll find in Screamers, but I still found a way to have fun with it.  Believe it or not, there is a sequel, and yes, I'm going to grab a copy.

You can decide the fate of the universe!

If you head on over to the Random Reviews Fan Club, you can help me decide what to review in September.  The poll is currently tied...it's either going to be Random Sequel Month or Mummy Month.  As for August, it's going to be the usual stack of random nonsense.  And October, well, I have something planned, but I'm not ready to announce it yet.

Rock the vote!

Blood Capsule #208

8 MAN (1992)

Do "Robocop ripoffs" count as a subgenre?  I'm reorganizing my VHS collection, and I need to know where to put R.O.T.O.R.  No, actually, today's movie was only partially inspired by Alex Murphy.  Based on an anime and a manga, 8 Man tells the story of a cop who is gunned down on duty.  His remains may have been perforated with lead (or an alloy of zinc and copper; some metalhead I am), but the police chief believes that he is a perfect candidate for an experimental scientific procedure.  Yes, a supercop is born.  The department he works for contains seven subdivisions, so he is dubbed 8 Man.  It should be noted that this b-machine takes just as many cues from Ultraman and other Kyodai Hero crusaders as it does from Robocop, but the similarities are hard to miss.  Still, apart from a couple of squibs here and there, this is no bloodbath.

The 83-minute running time is deceptive.  While the film does start with zippy action sequences, it takes awhile to get to the pith of the plot.  Efforts are made to establish a love triangle.  I wasn't feeling it, but to be fair, I don't feel human emotions.  In a sense, I could relate to our protagonist.  There is a steel rod affixed to the lower half of my spine.  Scoliosis be damned, I tell people that I was gunned down on duty.  Back on topic!  The lion's share of 8 Man is nothing but nighttime exteriors, and it's constantly raining.  I mean, it's coming down in sheets.  Credit director Yasuhiro Horiuchi for making everything cinematic and streamlined.  All in all, this was an acceptable way to spend a Friday night.  The climactic showdown between dueling 8 Men is fun, although I didn't have much investment in the outcome.

Superior to Robocop 3, yet inferior to R.O.T.O.R.  Recommended to fans of 8 Mile and The Hateful Eight.  Oh, and Octaman.

Image taken from the arcade game, a side-scroller published in 1991 for the Neo Geo MVS.

Freddy Speaks: A Cool Random Find

I remember catching this documentary (or something very similar) when I was 9 or 10 years old.  It scared the bejeebles out of me!

Blood Capsule #207

THE BELIEVERS (1987)

Santeria is a vaguely (or not-so-vaguely, depending on the person practicing it) occult religion that came to prominence in Cuba in the late 19th century.  It's also an overplayed Sublime song.  For our purposes, we'll focus on the esoteric kind of Santeria that gets bandied about in today's subject.  Typically, it's synonymous with Haitian voodoo, but while this film would make a sweet double feature with The Serpent and the Rainbow, that's technically a different thing altogether.  I wouldn't use The Believers as a reference guide, however.  It doesn't portray these beliefs in a particularly positive light, and when it comes down to it, I don't know many Cubans who are big proponents of child sacrifice.  Of course, I don't know many Cubans.  What the hell happened to this review?

All you need to know is that this is an incredibly effective piece of work.  Martin Sheen turns in a believable performance as a distraught therapist.  Everyone else is dialed in, from a sympathetic Helen Shaver to an immeasurably creepy Harris Yulin.  The pacing is even-keeled.  I didn't notice that this was a two-hour ordeal.  And that holds water coming from me, as I can be a bit of a fussbudget when it comes to anything that runs for more than 90 minutes.  Hey, I'm a busy man.  I'll have you know that I'm scheduled to listen to death metal later this evening, and after that, um, I might watch an old episode of The Outer Limits.  My time is valuable!  Anyway, do yourself a favor and check out The Believers.  Recommended to fans of Papa Shango and dead chickens.

Blood Capsule #206

This review was requested via Patreon.  If you'd like to request a review (and please do show mercy on me), click HERE.

MIDNIGHT (1982)

I need to go on a diet.  I only mention it because this film comes off like a diet version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Granted, it's missing cannibalism.  It's also missing a pervading sense of trepidation and that overall queasy feeling that permeated the Tobe Hooper classic.  In writer/director John Russo's defense, he claims that he never saw TCM before concocting this backwoods...slasher?  I guess it could be labeled as "survival horror," but then again, so could my ex-girlfriend's post-coital facial expression.  After a portentous prologue, we meet Nancy.  She runs away from home to circumvent her scumbag stepfather and winds up hitchhiking with a couple of petty thieves.  Along the way, our merry cast of ne'er-do-wells stumbles into a Leatherface-sized moonling and a pair of crooked cops.

Let me fast-forward a bit.  We find out that a Satanic cult is picking off civilians, and I don't consider that to be a spoiler.  I mean, that's your basic premise.  "Basic" is probably the most fitting adjective I could use to describe Midnight.  This is a meat-and-potatoes kind of flick, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  To the contrary!  I found the character-focused script to be refreshing.  For about an hour anyway.  The payoff doesn't land, although I got a kick out of Tom Savini's splatter effects.  Apparently, he turned down Friday the 13th Part 2 to work on this film.  There is a sequel floating around out there somewhere.  I doubt that I'll be able to nab a copy.  I shouldn't say that, as I've spent questionable amounts of money in the name of VHS collecting.  How much is questionable?  Mind your own business, partner.

Album Cover of the Whatever

I can't say that I'm a huge fan of Limbonic Art.  I like symphonic black metal, but...meh.  For those who are interested, this record came out last month.  And that cover...space dragons?  Okey-dokey.

Random Match Alert

Have I posted a Doink match lately?  If not, I apologize.  Here he is grappling with Bob Backlund!

Check out my Patreon!

So I've been posting every other review to my Patreon to give those folks early access.  As of today, I'm going to start posting all of my reviews on Patreon a full week before they show up here.  And I just posted one, so the next week might be a little slow.  I have to support my horrible habits somehow!

A fool and his money...

I'm just vain enough to fall for "colored cassette" gimmicks.  While I wish I was a little more frugal, I have to admit that these things are cool.  Can you blame me for wanting to show off the latest additions to my collection?  These tapes aren't particularly rare (at least I don't think they are), but again, look at the pretty colors!  Dark Roots of Earth comes in midnight blue.  It's actually my favorite Testament album.  Does that count as a hot take?  Because it really shouldn't.  The Legacy is purple, and I'm looking forward to getting more acquainted with it.

That's all for now.  Hey, it's my site; I can post whatever nonsense strikes my fancy.

My latest wrestling crush...

This just in - Stephanie Vaquer is on her way to NXT!  She was last seen at AEW's Forbidden Door where she wrestled Mercedes Mone.  It's clear that she has something, and quite frankly, she outgunned the former Sasha Banks.  Now, you may be wondering how I can balance so many crushes.  While it may be true that I'm beginning to lose count, it's totally cool.  I can handle it.  Totally.

Blood Capsule #205

THE MONSTER MAKER (1944)

I watched a VHS reissue of this cozy b-quickie, a joint release by Lunchmeat and The Video Pharmacy (check down below for more info on Lunchmeat founder Josh Schafer).  This isn't a paid advertisement, although I'm still waiting for a company like Hostess to sponsor my reviews.  Did you know that twinkies are the official snack cake of Random Reviews Incorporated?  But I digress!  If The Monster Maker was produced today, it would exist in a space far removed from the studio system.  While technically not an independent feature, it was hatched on "Poverty Row," a humble enclave within Hollywood that pottered around with low-budget projects.  You may have heard of PRC.  They were also responsible for The Devil Bat starring Bela Lugosi.  I'm getting mired in trivia.  Let's cut to the brass tacks, the nitty-gritty, the sum and substance of the matter.

The storyline follows Dr. Ivan Markoff, a deliciously mad scientist who has brewed a serum that cures acromegaly, a disorder of the pituitary gland that causes disproportionate bone growth.  He has also brewed a serum that spreads acromegaly.  When a renowned pianist spurns Dr. Markoff's advances toward his daughter, the brilliant bedlamite sees an opportunity to use his discovery as a bargaining chip.  This results in some pretty gnarly make-up effects that would make Jack Pierce proud.  The methodical pacing did test my patience, but this whimsical artifact only runs for 62 minutes.  I didn't get a chance to say that I was ever truly bored.  There is a subplot involving a caged primate that doesn't go anywhere.  Eh, you can't win 'em all.  Recommended to fans of neurotoxins.

Josh has released a VHS-themed joke book...buy it HERE!

Do you like death metal and H.P. Lovecraft?

If so, I've got the album for you.  I will say, I don't think I'm cluing many people in on Unaussprechlichen Kulten.  They have been around since the early 2000's.  Haxan Sabaoth is album number six, and it's a monster.  Something cosmic with tentacles, I imagine.  Each (de)composition is thronged with dank, smelly riffs that are broken up by intermittent blastbeats and inoculated with a heavy dose of occult atmosphere.  There is something to be said for a well-placed pipe organ.

Now that I think about it, this might be Unaussprechlichen Kulten's best album to date.  Zoth-Ommog* would approve.

*The third son of Cthulhu.  C'mon, everyone knows that.

My book is out! My book is out!

See up top where it says BUY MY BOOK?  Click that.  Or just click HERE.  I've highlighted TWO WAYS you can read my book.  It's been a long road, folks.  Or is this just the beginning???

Blood Capsule #204

DEATH MAGIC (1992)

I don't make a habit out of dipping my toes into shot-on-video waters.  As much as I love unmitigated masterstrokes such as Video Violence and Cannibal Campout (that sounds facetious, but I'm totally here for those flicks), my micro-budget batting average has been miserable as of late.  Will Death Magic spark a hot streak?  Sticking with a baseball analogy, will this supernatural slasher signal a feverish spate of home runs, or at least ground-rule doubles?  I'm afraid I'm not making it out of the infield.  'Tis a shame, as I like a lot of the elements here.  The set-up is a breeze.  Five necromancers summon the spirit of a confederate soldier, a nasty rapscallion who was put to death for senselessly butchering Native Americans.  Within the first twenty minutes, our villain is called forth and blood is spilled.  Yay?

I think that's the problem.  Death Magic blows its load in the first act, which only leaves running time for repetition and strained character development.  Obviously, I don't remember names or faces.  I do remember boobs, and I suppose I should be grateful for the drive-in totals.  The gore gags are so simple, and yet, so charming.  Lamentably, the pace isn't industrious enough to support the bare essentials.  I wanted to dig Death Magic, too.  I'm awarding one Z'Dar for effort and another Z'Dar for licentious nudity.  There are eight breasts total, so that comes to...um, I'm terrible with fractions.  I knew I should have majored in algebra instead of forensic pathology.  By "forensic pathology," I mean "I dropped out of community college."  Yay?

"Oh, alright.  You're too cool to lock up."

A sneak peek at the cover of my book!

How awesome is that???  The cover of my upcoming book was designed by Lauren Gornik.  Huge thanks to her!  You know what this means, don't you?  It means that we are creeping ever closer to the book's release.  I'll let everyone know when I pencil in the actual date.  It's hitting paperback first with an online version following soon after.  Get stoked!