"Retirement" (The Major Announcement)

Okay, so I guess I'll go ahead and announce it.  Once I hit Blood Capsule #400, I'll have enough reviews for my second book.  At which point, two things will happen.  1!  I'll commence work on the book.  2!  I will retire as a horror journalist/movie critic.  In effect, I'll be retiring the site, although I'll leave it up for posterity.  This hasn't been an easy decision to reach, but guys, I've been writing about horror movies in some way since 2002.  That's A LOT of reviews.  I've only been doing it "professionally" for a little while, and that brings me to my next point.

My Patreon will remain active because once I'm done with the site, I'll be making YouTube my full-time gig.  You may have noticed my slow transformation into a YouTuber.  I'm not particularly good at it, but I can only get better.  I do plan on upgrading my camera set-up next year.  By my calculations, I won't hit Blood Capsule #400 for at least a few months.  Ideally, I'll have the second book out for the summer.  In the meantime?  Check out that Patreon.  I appreciate the support.  I have to say, I'm definitely ready to hang it up.  You can expect the remaining Capsule reviews to be exceedingly weird and obscure.  Gotta go out with a bang and all that.

I'll be posting this notice at least twice to make sure everyone sees it.  Thanks for reading!

Blood Capsule #349

BLOOD TRACKS (1985)

So you think you've seen every heavy metal horror movie from the 80's, huh?  I thought I had as well, but then I discovered Blood Tracks.  This is a Swedish slasher that only made its debut on blu-ray last year.  The plot borrows tropes from 1984's Monster Dog and even Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes.  A rock group decides to invade a small town in the Rockies to shoot a music video at an abandoned factory.  Band members, along with a motley crew (ha!) of groupies and managers, are picked off one by one in increasingly brutal ways.  The villains are demystified early on, as we are shown a domestic dispute that ends with a (bleeding) woman leaving her home with her children in tow.  Cut to twenty years later.  The children are now bestial hermits who will kill anyone unlucky enough to...well, to shoot a music video at an abandoned factory.  The glam band is designated with the moniker of Solid Gold, although they are played by actual musicians who comprise a Swedish act named Easy Action.  According to IMDb, they later regretted simply not playing themselves.

Between you and me?  I don't think that should have been their chief regret.  The dudes in Easy Action are not actors, but by the same token, the other actors are probably not actors, at least in a professional sense.  You won't remember any of these characters.  Did I remember the faces in Black Roses or Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare?  No, but those flicks have a feral spirit, not to mention tawdry creature effects.  On the upside, the death sequences are often hilarious.  We see a person ripped apart by a booby trap, and I'm still not 100% sure what triggered the trap or how it even works.  This thing would confuse Jigsaw.  Now, Blood Tracks has a theme song of sorts.  However, it was never officially released, so you can't buy it or stream it anywhere.  I suppose you could binge Easy Action tunes if the mood struck you.  Is Blood Tracks worth recommending?  Not really.  Maybe if you're a heavy metal horror completionist.  As a slasher, it barely gets the job done.  I do appreciate the goofball gore.  Watch it if there is literally nothing else to watch.

Announcement postponed...

I realize that I'm supposed to be making a major announcement, but we have family in the hospital right now.  I won't have time to write anything for a few days.  Everything else should be on time and on-point, however.

See you in a few!

Blood Capsule #348

THE TOXIC AVENGER (2023)

I totally get why some people were looking forward to this film.  By the same token, I totally get why some people were dreading it.  Could a big-budget Toxie successfully emulate the D.I.Y. turbulence that fueled Lloyd Kaufman in 1984?  Having seen it, I think that director Macon Blair had his heart in the right place.  I'll even go one step further and say that casting Peter Dinklage was a stroke of brilliance.  Seeing a diminutive Toxie in all of his mop-wielding glory gave The Toxic Avenger a touch of...Charles Band-ism?  It's hard to quantify.  Whatever it was, it worked.  Here, everyone's favorite janitor is named Winston.  He wants to set a good example for his son, but before he gets a chance to do anything terribly noble, a pack of wild goons decides to jettison his 48-inch frame into a vat of neon chemicals.  I'll level with you.  I wanted to like this flick, but I'm not so sure that I did.  There are a couple of reasons for that, and this is where I'll point you in the direction of the second paragraph.

At several points during the 2025 (or 2023, depending on which website you're using as a reference guide) version of The Toxic Avenger, it strains to be vulgar.  It tries too hard to offend you.  The original was effortlessly blue.  It didn't try to be anything; it just was what it was.  As for the bloodshed, yes, the violence is over-the-top.  However, nothing is particularly shocking or rewind-worthy.  As silly as it sounds, I was expecting dead kids.  Where are all the dead kids???  What's more, the polished nature of Toxie '25 ends up working against the film, in my estimation.  It definitely doesn't feel trashy.  The acting is fine.  I dug Kevin Bacon as the villainous Bob Garbinger.  And again, Dinklage does a splendid job anchoring everything.  I'm going to have to go with 2.5 Z'Dars.  By all means, form your own opinion.  To tell you the truth, I've never been a huge Troma fan to begin with.  I do have a few sick Toxic Crusaders comic books in my collection, and no, you can't have them.

Listener DOMination

So Liquid Metal on Sirius XM has a show called Listener Domination where you can send in three "requests" that they might play.  I just sent my e-mail.  If chosen, I'll be asked to record an audio spot for my songs.  It's all incredibly dorky.  Why not, right?  If you're curious, my tunes are Death's "Zero Tolerance," Cannibal Corpse's "Festering in the Crypt," and Dissection's "God of Forbidden Light."

Blood Capsule #347

MY UNCLE THE ALIEN (1996)

1999's Bats is a decent time waster.  I was going to review it until a friend came over and we watched...this.  This flick defies description.  It's not a horror film, but I'm forgoing the necessary criteria for a review subject.  That sort of thing can be waived on the grounds that, well, it's my site.  So there.  You can tell that My Uncle the Alien was never meant to be reviewed.  It was never meant to be dissected or analyzed by mere mortals.  I think director Henri Charr (more on him in a minute) just figured that no one would ever see this uncanny schlock.  And he's right, but I saw it.  I saw what you did, Henri!  The storyline centers around the president's daughter.  It's all very Hallmark, although I can't find proof that Uncle/Alien was made for television.  Anyway, the First Brat has been friends with an extraterrestrial for awhile now.  We are told this right away in a prologue of sorts.  Zero exposition, zero explication, zero elucidation.  This kid hangs out with a visitor from the stars.  End of.  That's all we need to know, I suppose?

After we meet the principal players, little Kelly is kidnapped by a couple of dunderheads.  By the way, most of the adults here are dunderheads.  Kelly and her friends have no problem outsmarting the Secret Service.  So there's an alien, remember?  He resembles Bob Newhart.  You could easily put Bob Newhart in his place, sans make-up, and the film wouldn't be any different.  Does our alien save the day and stymie Kelly's captors?  Nope.  He literally sits and watches as they tie her to a post.  The moppet snatchers have enough time to take a breather and decide how much ransom money they should demand.  Bear in mind, we have seen the alien zap several people with a...um, zapper.  Maybe it can only be used intermittently.  Maybe it saps the alien's strength.  I'm trying to offer an explanation because My Uncle the Alien doesn't.  Spoiler alert!  Actually, I can't even remember how the plot resolves itself.  This may sound like a z-grade affair, but all nonsense considered, this is a cushy production.  At one point, the characters enter a wax museum and interact with loads of intellectual properties that couldn't have appeared in a legal capacity without some stroke behind the camera.

Before helming My Uncle the Alien, Henri Charr dabbled in smut.  My favorite title on his IMDb page would have to be 1995's Cellblock Sisters: Banished Behind Bars.  I ask you, when can we expect 4K restorations?

1K Subscriber Giveaway!!!!!!!

If you haven't noticed, I'm beginning to gain some traction on YouTube.  I've hit a thousand subscribers, so it's time for a giveaway...!  Enter.  Today.

Blood Capsule #346

FIRST MAN INTO SPACE (1959)

This film was produced by the same team that brought us 1958's Fiend Without a Face, a patently ridiculous (or brilliant) b-ticket about atomic flying brains with spinal column tails.  First Man into Space doesn't reach those heights of...um, brilliance, but it doesn't disappoint either.  Test pilot Lieut. Dan Prescott pushes the capabilities of the military's latest aeronautic gadget Y-13 to its limits.  He wants to be the first man into space, and dang it, he isn't going to let science stop him.  Unfortunately, his foolhardy ways lead him directly to hitting the eject button when his craft is stippled with atmospheric debris.  Upon falling back to Earth, Dan finds himself hideously deformed and craving human blood.  It's up to his older, wiser brother (the distinguished Chuck) to locate him and save him from himself.  We get a few stalk sequences out of the deal, although the violence is obviously suggested.  Can this creature be stopped before Y-14 is sent into the skies?  Probably.

I don't want to say that the bulk of First Man into Space is paint-by-numbers, but that's basically where we are here.  That's not necessarily a dealbreaker.  I know I was on board.  Things get a little more interesting toward the finale.  Dan becomes a tragic figure, as entering a high-altitude chamber (and yes, I had to do some digging to suss out the proper terminology) grants him the ability to communicate for the first time since his mutation.  I've got to be honest.  As a regular guy, he was a nettlesome twerp.  As a humanoid blanketed in space dust, he has pathos.  I actually felt bad for him.  I have to give the script credit for sidestepping an unseemly scene where Chuck professes his love for his brother's girlfriend.  I was ready to roll my eyes.  Thankfully, it never happened.  We're close to 4-Z'Dar terrain, but look, I can't lose my cool over every monster movie I run across.  Still, check this one out.

An announcement...announcement!

All I really want in life is Kelly Bundy.  Is that asking too much?  Sorry, I'm off-topic already.  Anyway!  Give me a week or so.  And then!  I'll make a major announcement.  Please note that this is not related to the giveaway I'll be announcing on YouTube in the coming days.  This is something else.  Something big.  Don't worry; you won't miss it.  It's that big.

Blood Capsule #345

CUJO (1983)

Would you believe I had never seen Cujo until last night?  Makes no sense, especially considering how I love dogs and Stephen King adaptations alike.  I haven't read the source material.  Of course, King doesn't remember writing it, so at least we're on level playing field.  He's on record as enjoying this flick, and I'd put it in the top five or so if we're ranking King adaptations from the 80's.  I was taken aback by its intensity.  The effects crew managed to turn a fluffy St. Bernard into a frothing, mud-soused monster.  That couldn't have been easy.  Fan favorite Dee Wallace Stone gives a tense performance as a conflicted mother who can't leave her car for the entire second half of the film.  The "plot," if you can call it that, totally worked for me.  I will say, I didn't care for the adultery subplot.  In the end, it didn't add anything beneficial to the narrative, unless you're really into uncomfortable sex scenes.  I don't mind a flawed protagonist, but it just came off as distasteful.

Danny Pintauro is believable as Dee's son.  I'm sure the characters have names, but I've gone this far without doing any research.  Normally, forgetting names would be a red flag.  However, Dee Wallace is always Dee Wallace to me.  She's too pure for this world, I tell you.  Director Lewis Teague keeps the pace cracking.  He also keeps the fog machine industry afloat.  I almost expected to see Christopher Lee emerge from the shadows, cape and all.  Speaking of Dracula, when are we getting Cujo vs. Zoltan?  And where is the fundraising campaign to stop Netflix from remaking Cujo?  There has to be an anti-kickstarter somewhere.  Anyway, good movie.  That's the review.

Ultra Q

A giveaway announcement...announcement!

Blood Capsule #344

SAWBONES (1995)

The first time I watched this film, I noted that all of the backdrops looked like the inside of my eyelids.  Then I realized I was unconscious.  Yes, I had to sit through Sawbones twice to review it.  It actually wasn't the movie's fault that I fell asleep, although our villain seemed to be snoozing through the death sequences.  I would accuse producer Roger Corman of ripping off Dr. Giggles, but why on Earth would he?  No one cared about Dr. Giggles, this in spite of my push to have Larry Drake's blood-stained smock from the cult slasher accepted into the Smithsonian.  Regardless, Sawbones is no Dr. Giggles.  It tells the tale of a medical student who doesn't react well to being rejected by the admissions department of a prestigious university.  Technically, he doesn't react at all.  Don Harvey's performance as the lunatic William Knapp (I couldn't dream of a more suitable appellation) can only be described as drowsy.  He has the appearance of Patrick Bateman, but he has the personality of Patrick Bateman's ideal business card, even down to the subtle off-white coloring.

Our main character is an aimless lass by the name of Jenny.  She doesn't have her ducks in a row, which I found refreshing.  Moreover, she's easy on the eyes.  Her boyfriend, another doctor, is just as dull as Dr. Not Giggles.  Oddly, the cast is fitted with Mad TV alumni Phil LaMarr (as a co-worker) and Michael McDonald (as a flamboyant metrosexual in handcuffs at a police station).  Aside from Jenny, everyone is either bored or boring.  The kills are nasty in theory, but we don't see much.  Come to think of it, I don't remember Sawbones having any special effects, unless you count a prop skeleton.  And yet somehow, the third act is entertaining.  There is a car chase, and Jenny plays a cat-and-mouse game of sorts with the screwball surgeon.  Eh, three Z'Dars should cover it.  Recommended to fans of waking up in the middle of surgery.

Iron Supplements #9

VERMINOUS KNIGHT

I'm a big fan of Lamp of Murmuur.  That's pertinent information because clicking around on Lamp's Metal Archives page is how I discovered Verminous Knight.  And thus, an Iron Supplement was born.  This project has released one full-length album.  No demos, no EPs, no rehearsal tapes (Satan forbid)...how could it be black metal???  But it is.  And it's rock solid black metal, if you ask me.  There is nothing transformative or trailblazing on Malignant Descent, but after giving it a thorough listen, I can tell that it's going to attach itself to my grey matter and demand repeat visits.  Musically, it's a little more traditional than Lamp.  By that I mean, it relies on dreary tremolo runs and oppressive keyboards.  Right now, my favorite song is "Honorless Hearts, Blood Predators."  Check it out, yo.

Aside from the drums, Verminous Knight is a one-man trip.  Of course, that man (Sanguinous Moth) is in, like, fourteen other bands.  Yeah, it's definitely black metal.

Blood Capsule #343

TROLL (1986)

So I watched Troll last night.  I wasn't going to review it, but I had an epiphany.  "Dom," I said.  "Why not review Troll?"  Okay, so it wasn't quite an epiphany.  When I was a kid, we rented Troll, but I only remember bits and pieces of it.  I recalled Phil Fondacaro emerging from a plant.  And that's about it.  I don't even know that I've seen Troll 2 as an adult, which worries me.  Is there a support hotline for people who haven't seen Troll 2?  All I know is that I had a blast with Troll.  If Claudio Fragasso's embattled sequel is the "worst movie ever," this has to be considered the best.  Doesn't it?  Am I alone on this island?  Let's try to piece a synopsis together.  You've got a family who has just moved into an apartment building.  The dad is Michael Moriarty.  Sidenote...he is friggin' incredible.  His performance here - coupled with his life-affirming turn in It's Alive III: Island of the Alive - has to put him in the running as one of the greatest actors of his generation.  Doesn't it??

Anyway, a random troll appears in the basement.  Magic is afoot, as the insatiable Torok tries to convert each apartment into a frightful Ferngully.  The only person who can stop him is a former princess who conveniently lives in the same complex.  By the way, the role(s) of Eunice is so perfectly casted, I thought we were seeing one actress in aged make-up.  But no, it's the mother-daughter team of June and Anne Lockhart.  Again, they are perfect.  Also perfect?  Phil Fondacaro as the scene-stealing Malcolm.  I thought it was interesting that Torok wanted to help him.  You would expect the main villain to be 100% evil, what with this being a fantasy.  Instead, Troll paints in shades.  Shades of what, I don't know.  The creature effects are fantastic, and I wish that every movie was directed by John Carl Beuchler.  His resume is spotless, if you ask me.  I think I'll watch Troll 2 tonight.  At the very least, I hope it ruins my day.

Random Match Alert

Look, it's Max Moon!  Don't ask questions.  It's Max Moon (versus Rick Martel).