Geek Out #5

This is one of my favorite wrestling moments of all time. Watch in awe as Hulk Hogan is violated by a mummy.

Philosophy of a Knife

Men Behind the Sun is one of the most notorious exploitation films of all time. It dealt with Unit 731, a top-secret research facility where thousands of innocent people (men, women and children) were brutally killed in the sullied name of science during WWII. I won't get into a history lesson, but if you're ever bored, look up Unit 731 on the web. It's a fascinating, if not disturbing read. Horror buffs consider Men Behind the Sun to be a sickening endurance test, a promontory for the deranged, a landmark in shock cinema. But what does it have to do with Philosophy of a Knife?

Philosophy is a very similar film. The subject matter is the same, the concept is the same, and the target audience is the same. The only difference is that Philosophy is more gruesome. Oh, and it's over four hours long. No, that wasn't a typographical error. This flick delivers four hours of some of the most wicked, depraved violence ever captured in front of a camera. It's so gory, that it's mind-boggling. We see a graphic vivisection, a child exploding in a decompression chamber, a cockroach being forced inside of a woman's vagina, frostbitten skin falling off of bone and other various atrocities.

If that's not crazy enough for you, listen to this...I like this movie! It's a work of art. The jumpy editing, the warm B&W cinematography, and the clever inclusion of archival footage (I love the way that director Andrey Iskanov weaves it into the torture sequences) nudge Philosophy ahead of its competition. As a documentary, it's informative and educational. As a stylish genre film, it's fucking intense. Is it tough to watch? Yeah, but that's the whole point. I don't understand why it was made, though. It doesn't do anything that Men Behind the Sun didn't do. As a matter of fact, it's virtually a remake.

If you're going to sit down with Philosophy of a Knife, view it in two parts. Clearly, it's long-winded. The last 30 minutes are exceedingly dull. Couldn't they find more people to interview? This might have been more effective as a work of fiction that was based on actual events, as opposed to a documentary spliced with re-enactments of the experiments conducted at Unit 731. Still, I recommend this film to extreme gorehounds. It definitely lives up to the hype. I doubt that I'll be seeing it on The History Channel anytime soon.

Parts Unknown #21: Raw

This was the worst episode of Raw that I've seen since August. I didn't understand the point of most of the matches/segments. If it weren't for CM Punk, this would have been an irredeemable bungle of epic proportions.

PROS

~ The Randy Orton/Sheamus match. It doesn't seem like Sheamus has been on a losing streak because of how strong he has looked lately. That flying shoulder slingshot was sick. What I liked about this match (aside from its length) was the fact that there was no interference. Nice.

~ CM Punk becoming the new leader of Nexus. This is going to be good. Punk is the next Chris Jericho. Did you hear those cheers when he slid the black-and-yellow armband up his elbow? We finally have someone who can cut the kind of promo that is strong enough to counter Cena's jokey garbage.

CONS

~ Why is one half of the tag team champions involved in a singles feud? Are you fucking kidding me? Where is Koslov? Where are The Uso's? Where is the goddamn tag team division? Why even bother having tag titles???

~ The WWE Championship match is next week? This could have been a memorable feud, but from the looks of things, John Morrison will be out of the title picture before Royal Rumble. What is Vince thinking? Former tag team partners feud over the only prestigious title left in the company and we're not getting a PPV match out of it? I hope that I'm wrong. I really, really hope that I'm wrong.

~ Why is Jerry "The King" Lawler wrestling so much? His program with The Miz is taking precedence over Morrison's program with The Miz. Makes no sense.

~ Jackson Andrews being pwned by Mark Henry. Isn't this guy supposed to be intimidating? Why is he getting his ass kicked by a midcard jobber before he makes his in-ring debut? Can you imagine if The Undertaker or The Big Show started their WWE careers by being humiliated? Goodbye, credibility and intrigue!

~ Alicia Fox is still horrendous.

~ We come back from a commercial break to see a match between Daniel Bryan and Zack Ryder already in progress...? We don't even get a glimpse at their ring entrances? Fuck off.

Ugh, I'm done.

CM Sucks, Mass Graves and The Bizarre One

This is just a little update. I'll be posting my Raw review later tonight, and tomorrow, I'll be posting a review of one of the most shocking films of all time. Can you guess what it is? I doubt it. It's not as well-known amongst exploitation nuts as Cannibal Holocaust or even A Serbian Film. Speaking of which, I'll be turning my attention to extreme gore flicks over the next couple of months. I haven't seen a lot of these titles, so I'm looking forward to diving into a cesspool of blood, vomit and shit.

By the end of the week, I'll be posting my first ever book review. It's related to wrestling. If you're a real wresting fan, you should be able to identify the tome - an autobiography - by glancing at the name of this blog.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies

Money may not buy happiness, but it does buy special effects. Wishmaster benefited from a decent budget that allowed for insane death sequences and detailed sets. The creative team behind Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies didn't have that luxury. It doesn't have a clever script to fall back on either. This sequel is everything its predecessor wasn't. On the bright side, Andrew Divoff returns as The Djinn. He gives another compelling performance as everyone's favorite evil genie, but it's never explained why The Djinn's human guise looks like Andrew Divoff.

That's what pisses me off more than anything else. I can deal with tacky effects, but this movie just doesn't make sense. Hell, half of the wishes aren't wishes. At one point, a cop yells "freeze." He doesn't ask to be encased in a block of ice, but guess what? That's what happens! Plus, it only takes our heroine a few hours to assume that her friend's death was somehow related to Arabian folklore. Huh??? And why does The Djinn spend so much time hanging out with a repellent sot? Is he that bored? Admittedly, the scenes of Divoff being a complete asshole in prison were pretty funny.

Is Wishmaster 2 gory, you ask? Well, yeah, but not in a "holy shit" kind of way. There are several amusing kills, but this film doesn't rival the original in the bloodshed department. On the casting front, Holly Fields isn't nearly as endearing as Tammy Lauren. None of the characters are developed. If I wasn't so enamored with the first Wishmaster entry, I might be a little more forgiving with the sequels. Before you ask, no! I'm not reviewing the rest of this series. I need to move on with my life.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm taking the day off for obvious reasons, but I'll be back tomorrow with a review of Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies. I'm sure that the anticipation must be killing you.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Parts Unknown #20: Smackdown

The live edition of Smackdown started off with a bang. The midsection was bland, but things picked up in the second hour. The ending didn't work. So this episode was all about peaks and valleys. Let's grab our forks and dig in, shall we?

PROS

~ The opening bout between The Miz and Randy Orton. I liked the fact that the show began with a solid match. The Miz pulled off a few exacting moves that impressed the hell out of me. I have no doubt that thousands of fans detested Orton's dominance after the match, but if you read yesterday's column, you know where I stand on this issue.

~ The Big Santa cracked me up. I could be alone, but I can appreciate a well-timed dose of levity. "Dashing" Cody Rhodes's violent assault on Hornswoggle was awesome.

~ Santino flirting with his Glamazonian ex-girlfriend. Don't hate the player; hate the game!

~ I don't know why they're delaying Ezekiel Jackson's return to Smackdown, but I'm glad that he was traded from Raw. He'll have more success on the blue brand, as its midcard talent is more pronounced.

~ Drew McIntyre's 30-second squash match. Will The Chosen One be receiving a concentrated push? It certainly seems that way. He hasn't done much since his feud with Matt Hardy, so I hope that he climbs back up the card. This guy has all of the tools he needs to become a major player. On a related note, his backstage segment was promising in spite of Kelly Kelly's dumbass facial expressions (try not to look at the camera, honey). I wouldn't mind seeing him turn face.

~ The tag team match between Rey Mysterio/Kofi Kingston and Jack Swaggeer/Alberto Del Rio. I don't care for Mysterio, but he executed a sick tornado DDT.

~ CM Punk saves the day!

CONS

~ A Raw Rewind in the first hour? Fuck that.

~ The handic(r)ap match. It was too slow. Cena's moveset is too limited to keep up with a wrestler like Dolph Ziggler.

Wow, only two cons? That surprises me because this wasn't a first-class episode of Smackdown. It wasn't bad, though. Parts Unknown will be back next week. I've got a ton of random movies to sift through.

Parts Unknown #19: Raw

Last night's Raw pissed off Internet fans because of how The Miz was booked, and while I get where they're coming from, I have to say that I'm okay with how this title reign is being handled. Allow me to explain...

PROS

~ A couple of weeks ago, I was appalled by how weak The Miz was made to look. I'm changing my position. This guy needs all of the heat that he can get. The fact that he is making a mockery of the WWE Championship fits rights in with his character. Yes, he was pinned by Jerry Lawler, but hear me out. When was the last time that we saw a champion like this? Sheamus and Batista were heel champions who should have picked up clean victories. They're typical "tough guy" characters, but The Miz is a different kind of heel. He shouldn't be booked the way that Sheamus would be booked.

~ We finally have fresh faces in the main event. Lawler and Alex Riley stick out like sore thumbs, but this was the first main event in a long time that didn't bore me. It was a great match.

~ Melina's heel turn. The matches between her and Natalya are going to kick ass.

~ The Daniel Bryan/William Regal match. These two need to feud over the United States Championship before Regal retires.

~ The backstage segment featuring Santino, a pig-tailed Tamina and Maryse. Funny stuff.

~ It was good to see Dolph Ziggler getting massive exposure. He should have talked more than Vickie, though.

~ CM Punk's chair shot to Cena's back! This should be entertaining.

CONS

~ The "Christmas ghost" bullshit was ridiculous. I want to rape Michael Cole's mother.

~ Where were The Uso's during the mixed tag match? C'mon, Vince! This is the only credible tag team that can contend for the titles! Shouldn't they feel betrayed by Tamina? Get them off of Superstars, for Christ's sake.

~ Cena's promo. Awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful...awful. Awful.

This was a decent episode. There were several things that I liked about it. Being the tag team mark that I am, the inexplicable absence of The Uso's bothered me more than anything else did. Smackdown is shaping up to be a curious watch.

Where was the dead girl with the condom on her eye?

Okay, that's a terrible TLC joke. Get over it. I thought I'd post a few thoughts on last night's PPV. I think I'll make this a regular feature, but don't expect a clever title or full-length reviews. I just want to jot down whatever comes to mind about the PPV's that I don't pay for (which is all of them). If I'm being honest, I only checked out half of the matches. I mean, we all knew that The Miz was going to retain and that John Cena was going to flatten Nexus. From what I hear, those two bouts weren't particularly enthralling anyway.

The John Morrison/Sheamus match was fucking amazing. That might have been the best ladder match I've ever seen. No joke. The four-way Intercontinental match was decent, but shockingly, it wasn't as good (or as long) as the Diva's match. All four girls worked their asses off. I loved the finish. It seemed improvised, but according to Wrestlezone, the table wasn't supposed to break when LayCool landed on it.

This week, WWE is rearranging their schedule due to Christmas, so I'll be posting Parts Unknown tomorrow and on Wednesday. Laters!

Wishmaster

I'm short on time and long on thoughts. What does that mean? It means that it's time for a bulleted list!

• Wishmaster is one of my favorite movies of all time, regardless of genre. It's an old-school monster mash that was made during the slasher boom of the late 90's. I love it because it's not that old, yet it's so far removed from what's happening in the horror genre today. It has a sense of humor without poking fun at itself. The characters are actually likable. There are no teenagers! But this is just the first bullet.
• When I first saw this flick, I was blown away by the gruesome special effects. Are you a gorehound? If so, you'll heart Wishmaster. In the opening sequence alone, we see a skeleton crawl out of its host. It seems like there is a creative kill every five minutes. Since this is a supernatural film, we're not limited to boneheaded stabbings and decapitations, although there is one nifty beheading by piano wire. Man, violence is cool.
• Tammy Lauren gives one of the best heroine performances of the 90's as the beleaguered Alex. Better than Neve Campbell in Scream. Better than Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween: H20 (yes, I'm that bold). You can tell that she thought about how each line should be spoken. She was given terrific dialogue to work with, not that she needs a good script to sell a performance. Of course, Andrew Divoff rocks as The Djinn. Why didn't this film turn him into the next Bela Lugosi or the next Robert Englund? It's not his fault that Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies was less than stellar (review coming soon).
• The cameos...ah, the cameos. Nowadays, it's commonplace for a b-flick to have a docket of cult actors associated with it, but in 1997, it was a novel idea to have this many cameos in one film. Robert Englund, Reggie Bannister, the voice of Angus Scrimm, Tony Todd, Ted Raimi, Buck Flowers, Kane Hodder and several other genre staples appear before the camera (or in Scrimm's case, behind the camera).
• I might as well use this bullet to say that everything I haven't mentioned (lighting, pacing, score, etc.) is also up to snuff. The whole fucking production is a home run.
• Yes, the image I used is the Spanish poster. I just like the way it looks.

Is Wishmaster perfect? No, but I don't care. I'm giving it a perfect rating anyway. I watched it fifty times in Middle/High School, and it brings back a lot of warm memories. If I was granted three wishes, I would wish for three decent sequels instead of the ones that we're stuck with.

Who Can Kill a Child?

NOTE: I was literally busy all day yesterday, so I won't be reviewing Smackdown this week. Please enjoy this review instead. Please???


Who Can Kill a Child? is an intense thriller about a couple vacationing on a remote island. Upon arriving at the peaceful enclave, they notice that there are no adults to be found. The stores are empty. The hotel is abandoned. Our main character's pregnant wife spots a little girl, but that's it as far as human interaction goes. Eventually, it becomes apparent that this patch of sand has been terrorized by a group of evil kids. Why? I don't know, but I'll bet you anything that He Who Walks Behind the Rows had something to do with it.

All kidding aside, it's never explained why these brats are so fucking demented. The film begins with harrowing footage of children starving and/or dying in concentration camps. Thanks, movie, but what does Auschwitz have to do with your plot? It doesn't make sense. That's the only complaint that I can level at this Spanish spine-tingler. It's quite effective. We get to know the couple before they are caught off guard by Jerry's Kids (or maybe they are Bebe's Kids). The chase scenes are suspenseful, and the last 30 minutes are masterfully composed. Actually, the ending reminded me of Night of the Living Dead, although I wouldn't want to spoil it for you.

Who Can Kill a Child? is a foreign horror film from the 70's, so the dialogue is silly in spots. For die-hards like me, that just adds to the charm. If you're patient enough to wait out the methodical first half, you'll be rewarded when the shit hits the fan. Highly recommended. Watch it as part of a triple feature with Children of the Corn and Beware! Children at Play.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Parts Unknown #18: Raw

This week's Raw was the 2010 edition of the Slammy Awards. I had never seen the Slammy's since I just rediscovered my love for wrestling this year. What did I think of it? To put it vaguely, my reaction was lukewarm at best and disinterested at worst.

PROS

~ Former WCW Champion David Arquette! I liked the fact that he worked as a heel, and from a business standpoint, it was a wise idea to have him present an award.

~ The Wade Barrett/Big Show match. Yes, it made the leader of Nexus look weak, but something about his refusal to finish the match rubbed me the right way. In my opinion, it was solid booking. I'm sure that many of you will disagree.

~ I dig how they are keeping CM Punk relevant as a wrestler. I was awfully intrigued by his promo. Who will he feud with next?

~ The tag team match between Daniel Bryan/Kofi Kingston and Dolph Ziggler/Ted DiBiase Jr. Ziggler is quickly becoming one of my favorite superstars on either roster. The guy is always on point. With a little more practice on his mic work, he'll be the total package (not unlike Daniel Bryan).

~ Angry Miz girl! I didn't care for how her segment was handled (c'mon, let the poor girl get the upper hand), but her mere presence was a nice touch.

~ The Miz/Rey Mysterio match was decent. Honestly, none of the matches stood out, as this episode was centered around comedy and "sports entertainment." I probably won't comment on the other matches, but again, Miz and Mysterio had a strong back-and-forth.

~ It was great to see Edge and Christian together again as faces. Vince, please give them one more run as a tag team. Pleeeeeeease!

~ HBK! I'm not his biggest fan, but as with Christian, his appearance made the show feel extra special.

~ David Arquette being powerbombed through a table.

CONS

~ We all knew it was going to happen, but the "re-hiring" of John Cena was fucking stupid. This whole angle was so poorly executed, that I'm genuinely surprised that it made it past the drawing board.

~ The Holy Shit Moment of the Year should have gone to either John Morrison or Kofi Kingston.

~ The 35-second match between John Morrison and Sheamus. I realize that it served a purpose (congrats to JoMo for landing a number one contender's match), but they could have hyped their PPV bout without teasing a match. I mean, 35 seconds? And why was it stopped anyway? Give me a fucking break.

~ Um, JTG? Pay attention.

~ The Diva battle royale was a misfire. That might have been the worst battle royale I've ever seen.

~ Cena wins Superstar of the Year? Insert a condescending smiley here.

That's all I've got. From where I sat, the 2010 Slammy Awards were half and half. If I used my Z'Dar rating scale for this column, it would receive a 2.5, the quintessential non-rating.

Open House

Considering that real estate is a cadaverous field to be in, it's totally believable that some unstable soul would flip out and hack up a bunch of real estate agents. Foreclosures continue to vitiate the economy, and millions of families across America have been affected by this disturbing trend. So it doesn't surprise me that someone made a horror film that comments on the current state of landholdings. It does surprise me that Open House, a slasher that tackles such topics, was released in 1987.

Don't worry; I'm not going to write a boring thesis on the economy. This is a movie review, and the movie I'm reviewing is a "body count" flick starring Adrienne Barbeau. No one ever talks about it, but it's no worse than any other late-80's slasher. In fact, it's pretty good. The cast is mostly competent. Naturally, Barbeau gives the best performance of the film. We get to see her boobies! Ahem. The production values are sleek, the baddie is intimidating, and the side characters are given a little bit of depth before they are dispatched.

On the downside, the running time is slightly turgid. There are several scenes that putter too long, especially the over-the-top kills. Also, the ending is a letdown. The killer's monologue doesn't reveal any revelations and there isn't even a fight or a struggle to cap the climax off. I kept waiting for the script to connect the nutjob's identity to the intriguing prologue, but that never happened. The first five minutes of Open House are rendered meaningless. Still, I recommend this film to slasher buffs. If you see a VHS copy at a thrift store or a garage sale, you might as well pick it up, if only to see Adrienne Barbeau's delectable cans.

I've got a busy day ahead of me...

Tomorrow, I'll be posting my Raw review in addition to a review of an obscure slasher. Stay tuned!

The Junkyard #1

Welcome to my new snack food column where I write up brief reviews of fattening junk. Here's how it works - I see something that I don't need at the store, I eat it and I construct a poorly-worded description of it. Soup's on!

KAZOOZLES

Fuck, I love Wonka candy. The first time that I had a kazoozle, I flarped in my kreenish jib. What is a kazoozle? Well, it resembles licorice. The pink lemonade variety (which is the only variety that I've tasted) is a lemon rope full of sour paste. There is sugary glitter sprinkled on top. I love the texture of the exterior and the flavor of the interior. This stuff is kind of expensive, but you need to buy it anyway. I mean, if I had the opportunity to buy heaven, I wouldn't complain about the price.

CHEESEBURGER DORITOS

You know what these taste like? Cheeseburgers. These motherfuckers taste exactly like cheeseburgers. You can taste the ketchup, the mustard, the pickles and the meat. You're looking at me funny. I don't think you understand. These chips don't taste like cheeseburger-flavored doritos; they taste like cheeseburgers! At first, they're pretty good, but after a few bites, they make you want to puke. They fucking suck. If I want something that tastes like a cheeseburger, I'll eat a cheeseburger.

Parts Unknown #17: Smackdown

The Smackdown writers have been on the receiving end of Vince McMahon's axe as of late. It's rumored that head writer Michael Hayes is in danger of losing his job, and while watching this week's episode, I could sense that the creative team was, shall we say, distracted.

PROS

~ The Kaval/Jack Swagger match. I almost listed it as a con, but it's not their fault that it was a mess. Kaval was legitimately injured early on in the contest, and as a result, he could barely move for the duration of the match. He couldn't even climb the ropes. I have to hand it to him; he gave everything he had, but it was all for naught.

~ The match between Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston for the Intercontinental Championship. I wasn't too thrilled with the DQ finish. Jack Swagger deserves a title shot, but they should wait until the belt is put on a face to bring him into the picture. This one is half-con/half-pro.

~ Chris Masters wins? Holy shit. It looks like he's going to start a program with "Dashing" Cody Rhodes. Good for him. I wish that the crowd was more enthused (they were dead all night).

~ Santino and Koslov paid a visit to Smackdown! They had a fun match with Drew McIntyre and Chavo Guerrero. Look for Chavo to turn face in the coming weeks.

~ The Diva's match was actually decent. Layla was limber.

CONS

~ Kane's opening promo. Didn't he deliver the exact same promo around Thanksgiving? This angle is so run down. Edge has been pulling the same pranks on Kane for three weeks now. Drop it. No one gives a shit.

~ A leprechaun beat up an eagle in one of the most surreal matches in WWE history. Jesus Christ.

Blegh. I'm done. Vince, hire new writers for Smackdown pronto!

Non-Horror Film of the Week