The Junkyard #1

Welcome to my new snack food column where I write up brief reviews of fattening junk. Here's how it works - I see something that I don't need at the store, I eat it and I construct a poorly-worded description of it. Soup's on!

KAZOOZLES

Fuck, I love Wonka candy. The first time that I had a kazoozle, I flarped in my kreenish jib. What is a kazoozle? Well, it resembles licorice. The pink lemonade variety (which is the only variety that I've tasted) is a lemon rope full of sour paste. There is sugary glitter sprinkled on top. I love the texture of the exterior and the flavor of the interior. This stuff is kind of expensive, but you need to buy it anyway. I mean, if I had the opportunity to buy heaven, I wouldn't complain about the price.

CHEESEBURGER DORITOS

You know what these taste like? Cheeseburgers. These motherfuckers taste exactly like cheeseburgers. You can taste the ketchup, the mustard, the pickles and the meat. You're looking at me funny. I don't think you understand. These chips don't taste like cheeseburger-flavored doritos; they taste like cheeseburgers! At first, they're pretty good, but after a few bites, they make you want to puke. They fucking suck. If I want something that tastes like a cheeseburger, I'll eat a cheeseburger.