40 Men Enter, 38 Men Job to Santino

Wow. I was going to do the Smackdown review tonight, but I decided to stay up and watch the Royal Rumble (illegally, of course). So I'll talk about that instead. I can't believe how unsatisfying it was. I'm still in shock, to be honest. I could talk about the two or three things that I liked, but how boring would that be? Seriously, who fucking cares? I will say that John Morrison's acrobatics were unreal. Highlight of the night. Easily. Let's get into the cons...no, wait. These are worse than mere cons. They should be called something else.

THINGS THAT TNA WOULD DO

~ Let me get this straight. Eve Torres, a diva that was not advertised, a diva that no one cares about, a diva that isn't even close to contending for a title, wins the Diva's Championship? Y'know, when the referee counted to three, the commentators' reactions led me to believe that Eve wasn't supposed to win. I'm not trying to be funny. It seemed like the other divas were genuinely surprised, and Michelle McCool isn't that good of an actress. If it's revealed that Eve's title win was a mistake, I'll give Vince a pass on this one.

~ Let me get this straight. The anonymous GM lays down the law at the beginning of the Rumble itself because hey, rules are rules. "CM Punk is the only legal man, so get everyone else out of the ring!" Okay, fine. But when The Miz - an illegal man - eliminates John Cena, it's permissible. When did the Rumble become a free-for-all? Halfway through? Inquiring minds want to know.

~ Let me get this straight. CM Punk, your top heel, doesn't even make it to the final ten, much less the final four? Morrison was eliminated way too early as well.

~ Let me get this straight. Booker T., who got the second biggest pop of the night, only lasts one minute? I know that they're putting over young talent, but one hot minute?

~ Let me get this straight. Diesel, who got the biggest pop of the night, doesn't execute his signature move? If he powerbombs a midcard heel (hell, it could even be a babyface), that crowd freaks the fuck out.

~ Let me get this straight. No Christian? No Awesome Kong? No Triple H? Hmm, I'm trying to think of a wrestler I would replace with one of those three people. Hmm...I've got it! How about the goddamn leprechaun???

~ Let me get this straight. The last two participants are Alberto Del Rio and Santino Marella? There are no words to describe how...I can't even...is this WCW?

~ Let me get this straight. Alberto Del Rio, a guy who has been in the company for roughly six months, is going to main event Wrestlemania? I like the guy, but it's too soon. It's as simple as that. Goodbye, buyrates!

Until next time, dear readers. Until next time.

Parts Known

My Smackdown review has been postponed until tomorrow. Also, my South American farewell tour has been canceled. Tickets will not be refunded.

Geek Out #8

There are two or three worthwhile scenes in The Boneyard. This is one of them. If you've watched the film, you can probably figure out which scene I'm referring to. Now, this isn't the whole scene, so if you want to see it in its entirety, you'll have to find it online somewhere. I wouldn't advise buying The Boneyard, though. It's beyond boring.

Infra-Man

Infra-Man (a.k.a. Super Infra-Man) is believed to be the first Chinese superhero film of all time. Ironic, seeing as how it's a riff on a Japanese creation - Ultraman. What is it about stringy superheroes in bionic suits that drive Asians wild? All I know is that this is an uber-cheesy b-movie that you have to see to believe. There is nothing to the plot. A demonic dragon bat cunt from outer space calls upon her fleet of goofy monsters to torment Earth. A scientist invents an indestructible suit to combat these evil forces and convinces a fit young man to assume the role of Infra-Man, protector of galaxies (or at least China).

Infra-Man melds sci-fi, horror, martial arts, kaiju, psychedelia and basic action. It's fucking insane. I know what you are thinking, and yes, this is essentially a feature-length episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. But this is so much more awesome. Infra-Man sports a breathless pace, garish sets, and impressive fight sequences. Anyone who gets bored with this flick needs to cut downers from their diet. Speaking of narcotics, I'm pretty sure that Infra-Man is crack. Literally! Tell a crackhead to snort the DVD, and I guarantee that he won't be able to tell the difference.

In order to accurately describe this film, I'll have to steal a page from Joe Bob Briggs. That's right; it's time for Drive-In Totals!

Countless dead bodies
Laser guns
Thunder fists
Triffid-esque plant monster (vine tentacles included)
Gratuitous explosions
1 motorcycle chase
2 robots
1 fiery pit
3,672 skeleton warriors
Witch fu
Speedboat fu (see image below)
Earthquake fu
Totally inconspicuous villain hideout in the form of a dragon-shaped mountain

Parts Unknown #28: Raw

This edition of Parts Unknown will be brief. I have a good reason; there isn't much to talk about. Let's see how much blood I can drain from this turnip...

PROS

~ The tag match between Mark Henry/John Morrison and King Sheamus/Alberto Del Rio. A lot of action here. That's something that Raw did right. There was a heavy dose of wrestling (37 minutes, to be exact). That may not sound like much, but this is Raw we're talking about.

~ The Diva's Championship match between Natalya and Melina. I hope that they haven't already given up on this feud. How did LayCool get back into the title picture so quickly? By the way, would someone please inform the "WWE Universe" that Melina is a heel? Years ago (God, I'm old), it seemed so much easier to get a reaction out of the crowd. I guess that's what happens when you murder kayfabe in broad daylight.

~ I liked Dolph Ziggler on commentary.

~ The whole Daniel Bryan storyline is officially hilarious. This just proves that the writers do frequent message boards.

~ The main event breakdown did a great job of setting up the Royal Rumble. Hell, I was almost convinced that this Sunday's PPV would be worth ordering. Almost.

CONS

~ 20 minutes of talking to open the show, backstage interviews, locker room promos, talking here, talking there, talking up my ass...enough already!

~ I saw a picture of WWE's tag team division on a milk carton last night. If I wasn't sick right now, that joke would have been funnier.

Honestly, I dug this episode of Raw. It wasn't awe-inspiring, but I had fun with the matches. Moreover, how could you not smile when Gail Kim insulted The Bella Twins?

Mr. Sardonicus

I have to admit, the only William Castle films that I've seen are The Tingler and House on Haunted Hill. For whatever reason, the bulk of his resume has escaped me. After viewing Mr. Sardonicus, I'm going to make sure that I see the rest of his genre outings. The titular character seeks out the help of a doctor who has made a breakthrough in treating paralysis. Why? Well, I don't really want to tell you, but since every synopsis of this film reveals the reason for Sardonicus's desperation, I'll go against my better judgment. You see, his face was frozen in fear when he disinhumed a winning lottery ticket from the coat pocket of his dead father. This was post-burial, mind you...awkward!

Mr. Sardonicus was released in 1961, but it feels like it came out in the late 30's/early 40's. It shares the mettle of Universal monster movies. In fact, the first act is lifted from 1931's Dracula. This is no ripoff, though. The plot is rather unique. Perhaps my favorite thing about the whole production is the dour atmosphere. We're treated to dead trees, billowing fog, a Gothic castle, a luminous full moon...the works! I love that stuff. Everything is played straight, barring the hammy prologue (delivered with verve by William Castle) and the interactive epilogue (delivered again by Mr. Castle).

At the end of the film, the audience is asked to take a "punishment poll," voting with either a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down. Let's just say that the fate of our lead ghoul lies in your hands. I know that sounds gimmicky, but as I said earlier, the meat of Mr. Sardonicus is stonefaced. That's not to say that it isn't fun. Personally, I had a blast with this flick. The story is compelling, the acting is brilliant (Guy Rolfe and Oskar Homolka give incomparable performances as Sardonicus and the one-eyed Krull, respectively) and the camerawork is sharp. It does move slowly at times, but for the most part, the pacing didn't bother me.

If you're a William Castle fan, then chances are, you've already seen Mr. Sardonicus. So I can only plead with those of you who aren't familiar with Castle's handiwork. This is must-see material.

Geek Out #7

If you haven't seen Black Roses, buy it immediately. It's one of the best cheeseball b-movies of all time. This video is the opening sequence of Black Roses spliced with clips from the rest of the film. All you need to know is that this disasterpiece concerns an evil metal band that brainwashes teenagers. So you get 80's creature effects AND a soundtrack full of 80's metal. What more could you possibly ask for?

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Parts Unknown #27: Smackdown

This week's episode of Smackdown didn't feature as much wrestling as I'm accustomed to, but it was still a strong show. Let's see what transpired...

PROS

~ On one hand, I don't like the idea of Smackdown having its own version of Nexus (this one is called The Corre), but I do like the fact that Wade Barrett is still receiving a main event push. He's one of the few men on the roster with any mic skills. One question, though...why are there two R's in Corre? It doesn't make any sense. Is it an acronym? Is it a typo that slipped by the spellchecker? What the hell?

~ The R-Truth/Alberto Del Rio match. I can't wait to see Ricardo Rodriguez make his in-ring debut.

~ The Layla/Beth Pheonix match. It took awhile, but the Diva division is finally superior to TNA's Knockout division. Those are words I never thought that I would type.

~ The Drew McIntyre/Trent Barreta match. Brutal offense. I have no clue where this angle is heading, but if they don't screw it up, it could be stellar.

~ The ending where Dolph Ziggler stood over Edge's lifeless body in triumph. I was also impressed by Justin Gabriel in his match with Edge. It's too bad that there is no longer a cruiserweight division around to highlight the wrestlers who share Gabriel's build.

CONS

~ The match between Rey Mysterio and Cody Rhodes was too short. Hopefully, it was just a tease of things to come. It seems like these two could work well together.

~ So now we have to wait several weeks (I'm assuming) to find out the identity of Teddy Long's assailant? Ugh, I don't care.

~ The boring amateur wrestling match between Jack Swagger and Kofi Kingston. The crowd's silence said it all. Dear WWE/TNA: No one tunes into Raw, Smackdown or Impact to see amateur wrestling or MMA exhibitions. Knock it off.

That's all, folks. Coccaro out!

The Junkyard #3

PEANUT M&M'S

My name is Dominic Coccaro, and I'm addicted to Peanut M&M's. I've always liked them, but I didn't become obsessed with them until after I had my hip surgery in February of 2010. As some of you know, I was bed-ridden for the better part of two months. Incapacitated. On ice. When you're immobile for a sustained period of time, you get restless. Often times, chewing gum or sucking on hard candy can calm your nerves. Peanut M&M's allowed me to both suck and chew. First, the sugary shell would flake off. Next, the chocolate would melt away. Finally, I would put my teeth to work. Oh my God.

I just woke up in the middle of my bedroom. Must have blacked out. Where was I? Ah, the mastication process. Most people dispense with a Peanut M&M in three seconds. Me, I need at least fifteen minutes. What's that? You want to learn how to properly eat a Peanut M&M? Pull up a chair.

Step one! Wait for the shell to soften. Once your saliva has broken the shell down, you'll need to savor the milk chocolate. Enjoy it.

Step two! Use your tongue and teeth to peel off whatever skin is on the peanut.

Step three! Split the peanut in half. Usually, you will find a dividing line right down the middle of the goober. Trace it with your tongue.

Step four! There is a hard thing in the corner of one of the halves. Keep that half! Eat the other one.

Step five! Carefully remove the hard thing. I like to think of this as "circumcising" the peanut. If this step conflicts with your religious beliefs, skip to step six.

Step six! Split the half in half.

Step seven! Split each half in half.

Step eight! Once you've dismantled your Peanut M&M and made it your bitch, you have the right to call yourself a man. Oh my God.

I just woke up in the middle of my bedroom. Must have blacked out. In summation, I love Peanut M&M's. They are tasty. Hey, everyone is a little OCD, right? There's nothing wrong with me, is there? Is there??? On a related note, Pretzel M&M's are disgusting.

Why there is no review today...

"Boy, I can't wait to watch Prom Night IV."

*20 minutes later*

"God, this movie sucks. Why does it seem like I've watched this flick before?"

*5 minutes later*

"Hey, I have watched this before! And I fucking hated it!

*5 minutes later*

"Fuck this. I'm going to do something else."

Parts Unknown #26: Raw

We're getting closer to the Royal Rumble. What does that mean? It means that Raw needed to be better than it was last week. Let's see how this episode fared...

PROS

~ The opening sequence was long-winded, but it did its job. It got me excited for the upcoming PPV. A 40-man Royal Rumble? Good call, Vince! That leaves plenty of room for young talent, established stars and a few surprises (be on the lookout for a certain son-in-law...no, I'm not talking about Pauly Shore).

~ The John Morrison/Daniel Bryan match. Give these men a 20-minute match at the Rumble. It will be godly. Plus, it's been ages since we've seen a decent feud between two babyfaces.

~ The Dolph Ziggler/Randy Orton match. I don't have much to say about it. It was just another solid match with a clean finish.

~ Maryse flipping out. I've read reports online that WWE officials feel like she is taking away from Ted DiBiase's push. Excuse me? I didn't realize that he was being pushed. If Vince wants The Fortunate Son to look strong, then maybe he should let him win every once in awhile. Don't blame it on Maryse. I would rather watch her than her on-screen boyfriend. At least she has charisma. Hand to God, I've caught the microphone sleeping during Ted's promos.

~ The main event. That was the best Cena match that I've seen since...geez, Summerslam? No doubt, it was because of his opponent - CM "Jesus Christ" Punk. The debut of one Mason Ryan was a pleasant surprise. He is being groomed to fill the void left behind by Dave Batista. Makes sense, seeing as how they could have been separated at birth.

CONS

~ I finally get my tag title match between Santino/Koslov and The Uso's only for it to end in less than five minutes. What a letdown! Is this program over already? Will there be a rematch at the Rumble? Ugh.

~ Let me get this straight. The Bella Twins made a bet to see who can bed Daniel Bryan first? Did I hear that right? I'm hoping that this is one of those Three's Company situations where they're actually talking about something else. I mean, that's TNA stupid.

~ Cena's mic skills. What else is new?

All in all, this was a pretty good Raw. Let's pray to Joe Pesci that a United States Championship bout between Bryan and Morrison comes to fruition.

Projections

Greetings, all. I wanted to drop in and tell you what you can expect to see on the site in the next week or so. I haven't delivered on the book review that I promised, but rest assured, it's definitely in the pipeline. Unfortunately, I haven't had much time to read lately. That's a problem I hope to rectify tonight. Other things I have planned...

A) Another edition of The Junkyard. This time, I'll be reviewing my favorite candy on the planet.

B) Music reviews! I've neglected music for far too long. Since relaunching Random Reviews, I believe that I've only posted one album review. Odd. Granted, I haven't spent a great deal of cash on metal in the past few months, but there are select CD's that I'd like to cover.

7) I'm mulling over the possibility of holding another contest. The last time I held one, I didn't receive an encouraging number of entries, so I dropped giveaways altogether. Should I bother? Let me hear your thoughts.

I'll be back tomorrow with my Raw review. Stay tuned!

Cannibal

Here we have another gross-out exploitation flick. This one is based on a true story. Do you remember hearing about a guy who posted an ad online looking for someone to eat? If not, look it up. A homosexual man wanted to meet up with a fellow homosexual to fuck and eat. But it had to be a willing participant. Apparently, some folks associate cannibalism with sexual gratification. And I thought that I was a pervert (hell, I'm icked out by anything involving an anus). Sure enough, someone stepped up to the plate and offered to be gormandized. That's what Cannibal is about.

In hindsight, I don't know what I was expecting, but I was hoping that this film would dish out gore and psychology in equal measures. While writer/director Marian Dora does make an effort to give Cannibal a smidgen of substance, there isn't much emotional weight beneath the stegocephalic crust of cock stumps and pig intestines. Believe it or not, the script tries to be an artsy love story. I couldn't connect to it. Do I need to be a gay cannibal to relate to the relationship between the two main characters? If so, I question the decision to cater to such a narrow demographic. If not, I might be missing something.

If watching two men grope and penetrate each other makes you the least bit queasy, this isn't the low-budget splatter epic for you. Ironically, more people are offended by the overt sex scenes than the overt gore. The special effects are impressive. I don't know how they pulled off the castration sequence, but something tells me that I don't want to know. It looked too real, if you ask me. Of course, I'm joking, but I did wince once or twice. The violence is the only thing that I can honestly say I enjoyed about Cannibal.

Why the beggarly rating? The storyline is barebones, the pace is comatose, the dubbing is atrocious, and the dialogue is stilted (all ten lines of it). I didn't care about the players. I detested the score. I applaud Dora for taking an intimate approach to the material, but Jesus Christ. It's my opinion that Cannibal should have been a short film. If I had editing software on my computer and I knew how to use it, I could cut this baby down to twenty minutes. Needless to say, I don't recommend renting this "true crime" travesty. I'm going to try watching it as a gay cannibal and see if I change my mind.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Audrey Rose

At first glance, 1977's Audrey Rose looks like a riff on The Exorcist. There are scenes of a little girl acting like she's possessed by a demon, sure, but she isn't possessed by a demon. That's what separates this film from the likes of The Omen and Abby (yep, I totally referenced Abby). In Audrey Rose, there is no demon. There is no monster, no evil spirit, no otherworldly antagonist. This isn't a balls-out horror flick. No, this is a supernatural thriller. Don't get me wrong; Audrey Rose is spooky and suspenseful, but if I had to compare it to another ghost story, it would be The Changeling.

Anthony Hopkins stars as Elliot Hoover, a man who has spent weeks observing a family from afar. He spots a little girl named Ivy who reminds him of someone. Her parents don't trust him, so they won't let him near their daughter. I wouldn't either. But Elliot is adamant about meeting Ivy, and he won't take "no" for an answer. Intriguing synopsis, right? The first hour is gripping. The nightmare sequences are blood-shaking, the acting is superb, and the mystery of the plot is...well, mysterious. Hopkins is empathetic, although he is intimidating when he needs to be. In my humble opinion, this is one of the best performances of his career.

Susan Swift is uneven as the disconcerted Ivy. At times, she is downright amazing, but her delivery is inconsistent. Her turn as a troubled stripling doesn't approach the layered horror of Linda Blair's showing in The Exorcist. Still, it's clear that Swift was a talented kid. Halfway through, the film shifts gears and transmutes into a court drama. It's an abrupt about-face. Truthfully, it doesn't work, but the script picks up during the heartrending climax. The ending is killer. I don't think that this moody motion picture could have ended in a more fitting way.

Did I mention that Audrey Rose was directed by Robert Wise? I didn't? Well, Audrey Rose was directed by Robert Wise. There. Speaking of which, if you love The Haunting as much I do, you'll probably enjoy this film. They are both character-driven, which is refreshing after sitting through all four hours of Philosophy of a Knife. I would also recommend Audrey Rose to fans of Poltergeist, Stir of Echoes, The Exorcism of Emily Rose (Audrey's long-lost sister?), and of course, The Changeling.

Geek Out #6

I found this clip of Jorge Gonzales on an episode of Baywatch. Gonzalez was a wrestler in the early 90's who stood at 7'7. In WCW, he was known as El Gigante, and in the WWF, he was known as Giant Gonzalez. He passed away last year from complications related to his immense size. Obviously, he wasn't the most sinewy athlete, but I loved him anyway. I never knew that he made an appearance on Baywatch. This clip is pure cheese.

On a sidenote, I'm skipping Smackdown so that I can devote a little more time to movie reviews this week. I think that I've finally broken out of my winter-induced dry spell.

Parts Unknown #25: Raw

Um, that was a weird episode of Raw.

PROS

~ I actually liked Nexus coming out and ruining a potential tag match. That's not like me, I know, but since Nexus is being re-established as a legitimate threat, it made sense for them to demonstrate their dominance.

~ Alberto Del Rio made me smile. He's right; Americans have terrible taste in music.

~ The John Morrison/King Sheamus match. These two men have incredible chemistry together, and all of their matches have been spectacular.

CONS

~ The "initiations." I'm okay with the concept, but the execution was just...weird. CM Punk's feigned suicide attempt was too dark and it took up too much time. I mean, no one thought that he was actually going to jump. What was the point? When Punk flashed his harness, it almost seemed like Vince's way of saying, "See? We're all about safety first!" Who is he trying to convince? Martha Hart? The entire segment was awkward and disturbing.

~ Enough with Cole and Lawler hogging the spotlight. There are so many talented wrestlers on the Raw roster that are never given a chance to succeed.

~ Where the fuck is Jackson Andrews? Are you telling me that he was buried by Mark fucking Henry?

~ HBK is going to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame? Already? I thought that him being ranked #1 on the Top 50 Superstars of All Time DVD was ridiculous, but this takes the cake (and eats it). I'm sorry, but in my opinion, the guy is grossly overrated.

After last week, I expected the quality of Raw to dip down a bit. After all, it fluctuates like the stock market. I wasn't expecting it to be this lousy, though. And yet, it's still better than anything that TNA has produced lately.

Oh My Gog

I was going to post something today, but I accidentally slept for 13 hours. I didn't get anything accomplished. I'll be back tomorrow with...stuff.

Parts Unknown #24: Smackdown

Was that an episode of Smackdown or a PPV? I'm not exaggerating when I say that this was the best Smackdown that I've seen since the show debuted in 1999. It was exciting, unpredictable and chalked full of great wrestling.

PROS

~ Some are calling the opening bout between Edge and Kane an early contender for Match of the Year. I won't go that far (it's January, for Christ's sake), but I will say that it was staged exceptionally well. For a "last man standing" match, it was reasonably suspenseful. Both men sold like champs.

~ Kofi Kingston is the new Intercontinental Champion! His match with Dolph Ziggler didn't need to be a 20-minute epic to be entertaining. The flying crossbody that sealed the deal was flawless. It was an ingenious idea to have Vickie Guerrero order a rematch only moments after the title changed hands. This was a brilliant way to prod Ziggler into the main event without compromising Kofi's current push.

~ The Fatal Four Way match to determine the number one contender for Edge's World Heavyweight Championship. I liked the fact that The Big Show dominated early on. It made the match seem realistic.

~ The Diva's match was throwaway material, but I have to give credit to Kelly Kelly. She has managed to work a couple of impressive moves into her most recent match-ups. Drew McIntyre's imminent face turn is going to add interesting dimensions to his character. I know that many die-hard fans are opposed to a lovey-dovey McIntyre, but I believe that he can pull it off. At least the writers are doing something with him. FACTOID: Drew's storyline with Kelly Kelly was originally suppose to involve Tiffany, Drew's real life wife.

~ The showdown between Rey Mysterio and Alberto Del Rio. These guys work together seamlessly. The Mexican J.B.L. brings out the best in Mysterio. Those who know me can attest to my resentment towards Rey-Rey, but I applaud him for performing with such gusto despite a nagging injury.

CONS

~ No Chavo? He was a hit last week.

Aside from one piddling foible, this episode of Smackdown was incredible. It was better than most of the PPV's from last year! Sad, but true. Man, WWE's product kicks ass when Vince gets it right.

Top 50 Superstars of All Time

Any list compiled by a TV channel or a magazine is going to be flawed. VH1, in particular, seems to love to put together bullshit lists for the Bret Michaels fans that watch their hideous programming. Since everyone has their own opinion, there is no such thing as a definitive list. If I posted a list of my top 10 favorite tractors, it would spark a debate. The same goes for my top 10 favorite wrestlers. And wouldn't you know it? WWE just released a DVD counting down the top 50 wrestlers (oops, I mean "superstars") of all time. Even though it would be pointless to argue the merits of this countdown, that's precisely what I'm going to do.

First off, let me just say that I enjoyed watching the main feature that spearheads this 3-disc set. It was fun listening to different wrestlers/managers/commentators give their perspectives on the legends that populate this list. That said, I have major problems with it. I was hoping that the interviews would be in the style of a shoot. While some insider terms are used, there are many instances where kayfabe is protected. For example, John Cena (who appears way too much) intimates that Kane isn't someone you would want to hang out with. Thank you for insulting my intelligence, John. Hell, they don't even mention Kane's real name.

It's obvious that this DVD was geared towards the CeNation (i.e. pre-pubescent fuckstains). Thankfully, most of the wrestlers showcased made a name for themselves before The Attitude Era. One or two guys slipped through for the sole purpose of keeping things topical, though. I'm looking at you, Batista. Is there any reason for his inclusion other than popularity? There are so many worthy wrestlers that didn't make the cut just to make room for people like him. The Ultimate Warrior, Trish Stratus (this one makes no sense), The Road Warriors (apparently, tag teams don't count), William Regal, Paul Orndorff, Tito Santana, Ultimo Dragon...I could go on and on, but you catch my drift.

Saying that this list is controversial is like saying that Maryse is mildly attractive. How controversial is it? Hulk Hogan, the man who single-handedly revolutionized what Vince McMahon dubbed "sports entertainment," is ranked #23. Yeah. Look, I realize that The Hulkster is currently under contract with TNA, but give me a fucking break. Ric Flair is ranked #17. Again, he works over at TNA. What a coincidence. Shawn Michaels is ranked #1, and to me, that's just as sacrilegious. Even if you leave out Hogan and Flair, I don't see how The Heartbreak Kid comes in at number one. I better stop here before I get too frustrated.

Discs 2 and 3 are loaded with matches. I haven't had time to watch them yet, but I know that they're good. Overall, I wouldn't recommend buying this DVD if you're a knowledgeable wrestling fan. I can't justify spending $25 for the matches alone, but I guess that's what I did. If it sounds like something you would get a kick out of, then by all means, go for it. Like I said, I enjoyed the countdown in spite of it being saddled with nonsense. I mean, Triple H in the top 20? If he belongs in the top 20, then so does Bastion Booger and Rad Radford.

Gog

Gog is a sci-fi bender that concerns itself with themes that don't hit home in 2010. In 1954, however, it was all too real for viewers who lived in fear of being nuked by Russians. The plot follows David, a government official sent to an underground research facility to probe what are thought to be hints of espionage. He is given a tour of the four-tiered structure, and while being led around the compound by his main squeeze, he is introduced to two robots. They are named Gog and Magog (I'll give you an order of Wendy's fries if you can pinpoint the biblical reference).

You can see where this is going, can't you? Eventually, the robots attack the humans, but for the life of me, I can't understand why this flick is called Gog. The robots represent one vessel through which characters are dispatched, but there are many others. In fact, the most memorable death sequence doesn't involve Gog or Magog. It occurs during the opening scene where two people are frozen in a climate chamber. Basically, the underground facility has a mind of its own (think 2001, only below the surface).

When compared to other sci-fi classics from this period, Gog doesn't shimmer like a beacon reflecting off of churning waters. It does sparkle like a fiber optic novelty item you might find at Spencer's, though. In other words, I like it. It's a talky, intriguing b-movie with an intelligent script. The way that it took its time exploring its setting reminded me of Forbidden Planet. But Gog (the robot itself) is no Robbie the Robot. It looks cool, but it never seems threatening. Both Gog and Magog are supposed to be scary machines, but they're nothing that a flamethrower can't handle.

The ending is a little out there. I wasn't satisfied with the explanation that I was given. Still, I had fun with Gog. I prefer The Magnetic Monster, which was released a year earlier and directed by the same guy, one Herbert L. Strock. For whatever reason, neither film is on DVD. I'm not sure who owns the rights to these fine genre noodles, but they can suck my balls. By the way, I just named my testicles Gog and Magog.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Parts Unknown #23: Raw

Wow. Last night's Raw felt like a PPV. There were two main events, and each one lasted twenty minutes. It was awesome. I saw a few things that I've been asking for, namely a win for The Uso's. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

PROS

~ The Falls Count Anywhere match between John Morrison and The Miz for the WWE Championship. There were so many killer spots. The crossbody off of the giant logo, the Starship Pain onto a table, the elevated knee to Alex Riley's face...if you'll notice, all of those moves were executed by Morrison. I'm not saying that Mizanin is an inadequate wrestler. Far from it. I'm just trying to call attention to Morrison's tempered athleticism.

~ The Diva's match. I dug Eve's new finisher. Melina shouldn't have been pinned, though.

~ The Uso's beat the champs in a non-title match! This means that they'll probably be getting a title shot (sooner than later, I hope). The writers are finally wising up to the potential behind this feud.

~ The Nexus promo. Have I told you lately that I love CM Punk?

~ The R-Truth/Alberto Del Rio match. Actually, the match was subpar (it looked like Truth tweaked his arm), but I like the fact that Vince is inching closer to unifying Raw and Smackdown. I've never been a proponent of brand extension.

~ The triple threat cage match. All three men worked their asses off. I knew that Randy Orton would become the number one contender, but the match was still exhilarating.

CONS

~ Not applicable.

No joke. This is the first edition of Parts Unknown that doesn't need a "cons" section. Yes, I did say that the bout between R-Truth and Alberto Del Rio was subpar, but nonetheless, I thoroughly enjoyed the show. If there is anything negative to say about it, it's that we don't get shows like this often enough from the WWE.

The Junkyard #2

WENDY'S NEW FRIES

I've always loved Wendy's fries, so it came as a shock when I learned that the senescent fast food chain would be introducing new fries. They didn't need new fries. Sonic needs new fries. Burger King needs new fries. KFC needs new fries (their potato wedges taste like pissfuck). But Wendy's? Nah. What's so special about these new fries? For starters, the skin is left on. They're also baptized in sea salt.

At first, I thought they were too salty. I'm not one to complain about fried food being too salty, but in my opinion, "natural cut" fries don't need buckets of salt. The second time that I tried them, I freaked out. They were delicious! I've since eaten them a third time, and I still think that they're delicious. I can't explain why I flip-flopped, but now, the salt is my favorite aspect of Wendy's new fries. The natural flavor is appetizing, too. Are they better than Wendy's original fries? No. But those are just my two cents.

Seriously, KFC's sides are pathetic.

Parts Unknown #22: Smackdown

This episode of Smackdown was a marked improvement over last week. I'll cut the crap and get straight to the action.

PROS

~ The opening promos did a good job of setting up the main event, a triple threat match for the Intercontinental Championship. I'm surprised that Dolph retained. I don't mind it so much, but if they want Dolph to get over as a heel, they should have him split with Vickie Guerrero. Right now, he's just a heel by association feeding off of his kayfabe girlfriend's cheap heat. He should have his own heat.

~ The Big Show/"Dashing" Cody Rhodes match. Those chops were fucking serious, son! Cody's chest was bleeding as he walked up the ramp. Damn.

~ The Drew McIntyre/Trent Baretta match. Two things...I'm liking Drew's character, and I enjoyed seeing Trent finally work another match on Smackdown. It's too bad that The Dudebusters are dead.

~ The tag match between Edge/Rey Mysterio and Kane/Alberto Del Rio. There were a few inventive double-team moves.

~ Chavo Guerrero is officially a crowd favorite. His segments were funny as hell.

~ The Diva's match! Ever since Natalya won the title, this division has been getting more and more respectable. Last night's contest between Natalya/Beth Pheonix and LayCool actually extended beyond a commercial break. Unreal.

CONS

~ Teddy Long is an awful actor.

Only one con? I can't believe it either.