Parts Unknown #47: Raw

Now that was two hours of entertaining television. I won't say that this episode of Raw was a homerun (because it wasn't), but I feel comfortable in saying that it was a stand-up double. Let's dive into the melee...

PROS

~ The opening segment. I'm glad that Morrison crashed the party. Unfortunately, he's a dickhead, so you can expect to see him slide down the card. Triple H was able to rebound from backstage heat during the 90's, so maybe JoMo will work his way into the main event. The talent is there.

~ The Kong vignette! I marked out like a madman. For a character introduction, it hit all of the right notes and told us everything we need to know about this Barbie doll destroyer. On a sidenote, I like the fact that there is dissension in the Diva's locker room. They're setting this division up for a major shakedown, which means that they're actually taking an interest in the females on their roster.

~ The Primo/Sin Cara match. Yeah, they botched the finisher, but it's a cool move. On the whole, this was an enjoyable match. The crowd was into it, and it wasn't just a lopsided blowout.

~ A.P.P.L.E.? Okay, I'll give it a chance. I did laugh out loud. Daniel Bryan should have been involved in the gauntlet match, but at least they're doing something with him.

~ The Jack Swagger/Jerry Lawler match was one of those "whatever" moments, but it was salvaged by Jim Ross. He acted as The King's manager at ringside, cheering on his colleague and compensating for Michael Cole's flat performance. I'm dead serious when I profess that Cole is unfit to assume the role of WWE's top heel. He lacks the ability to think on his feet. The next time he tries to adlib, count how many times he repeats himself. On the bright side, Swagger may be turning face at Extreme Rules.

~ Edge's retirement speech. Wow. That came out of nowhere. I'm man enough to admit that I had tears in my eyes by the time The Rated-R Superstar walked back up the entrance ramp. His character has gotten stale in recent years, but I've always respected his work (he gets extra brownie points for name-dropping Demolition). Smackdown isn't going to be the same without him.

CONS

~ And your new Diva's Champion is...Brie Bella? What? I don't understand any of this.

~ Gail Kim, Natalya, Ezekiel Jackson, Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel need to take acting lessons in the worst way imaginable.

~ If you're going to punish John Morrison, then you'll need to elevate someone else. Fine. But don't choose R-Truth! Oh my fucking God. Why not Dolph Ziggler? He was right there! This show was on its way to becoming a contender for "Best Raw of 2011," but the ending killed it.

I'm done. Do you have anything for a headache?