Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice

It doesn't get much more random than this. Children of the Corn is generally considered to be one of the better Stephen King adaptations. Personally, I didn't think that it was much to write home about. An intriguing premise was ensnared by dull characters and shiftless pacing. The fact that it spawned six sequels and a remake is mind-boggling. No, I haven't seen the remake, and no, I don't intend on adding it to my Netflix rental queue. I am, however, curious about some of the sequels. Ever since watching Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II, I've been eager to explore the horror franchises that failed to set the world ablaze.

I can't imagine why this series didn't shatter records at the box office. I had always assumed that Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice was sent straight to video shelves, but as it turns out, it received a humble theatrical release. Eight years after the original. Whatever. It's funny; there are seven of these damn movies, and the first sequel is "final." We should be so lucky. Sacrifice takes place immediately after the events of the first film. The children (y'know, of the corn) are dumped into foster families. Naturally, they all live in the same town, and it isn't long before they are taking orders from He Who Walks Behind the Rows.

There is just enough plot here for 30 minutes. Unfortunately, Sacrifice insists on kicking and screaming for 90 minutes. On second thought, those aren't the right verbs. This flick doesn't kick or scream; it whimpers. It's a button-down slasher that never colors outside the lines. The hilarious death sequences keep this crapduster from being unwatchable (I was torn between "crapduster" and "sharecrapper"). He Who Sucks Behind the Rows must have something against elderly women because two blue-haired matriarchs meet their maker. The first fossil is crushed beneath a house.

The second fossil deserves its own paragraph. Micah, the leader of the evil brats, uses an RC car controller to steer a woman's scooter (how he gains access to the wheelchair's circuit board is anyone's best guess). He drives her into the middle of the road where she is hit by a truck. The old lady - still attached to the fucking scooter - crashes through the window of a bingo hall. This scene must be seen to be believed. The film itself? You don't need to see it to believe how mediocre it is. I may check out Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest, but that's as far as I'm willing to go. The rest of this saga can go shuck itself.