THE P.A.C.K. (1997)
Usually, I try to apprehend a screencap to consort with Blood Capsules, if only to mix things up. But The P.A.C.K. is so damn obscure, I couldn't find one. It's an incogitable miracle that I nabbed a thumbnail of the VHS cover. If I'm being honest, that's what attracted me to this flick in the first place. If I've never heard anyone mention it in all of my years as a compulsive, habit-forming horror junkie, I simply must own it. What is The P.A.C.K., you ask? Well, imagine if Syfy spitballed an "original" "film" for network television back in the 80's. I realize that sounds enticing, but trust me when I say that this is an underwhelming viewing experience. What is it with low-budget sci-fi crapcakes and acronyms?
No, really. You've got R.O.T.O.R. (somewhat badass), Syngenor (not badass), B.O.R.N. (I've yet to pick it up; please objectify it for me) and The P.A.C.K. Was this actually a trend? It doesn't matter. Despite a benign prologue of sorts where loutish rednecks are dismembered by a Prefabricated Animalistic Cybernetic Killer, this spaceship crash lands almost immediately and skids across maggot-ridden soil for the next 80 minutes. The plot is a diluted rehash of Critters. Just replace the titular balls of mayhem with a guy in a beggarly android suit and replace the faceless bounty hunters with...a guy. God, The P.A.C.K. is mundane. Even the climactic battle (pfft, a fistfight) is a fucking chore to sit through. It's an errand. It's menial labor. It's scutwork.
I do believe that I've stumbled upon a fitting simile. Enduring The P.A.C.K. is like washing the dishes and preparing a load of dirty laundry. It's the sleeper hit of the summer!
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