Transformations

I'm approaching this review as a writing exercise.  The question is, can Dom bullshit his way through what amounts to being a progress report on a sci-fi lime wheel?  NOTE: I could have said "lemon," but why limit myself to a single citrus fruit to describe a genre as colorful as the b-movie?  If anything, 1988's Transformations is a kumquat, as it's fairly insignificant and hard to find.  For what it's worth, I spotted it on laserdisc while riffling through eBay.  If that's your bag, knock yourself out.  Personally, I had a hard time believing that Transformations would live up to its VHS box art (see for yourself below).  Back in my days as an avid collector, this is a title that would spring up on occasion, but I neglected to take a gamble on it.  Did I make the right call?

Define "right."  Clearly, I threw an undisclosed sum of money at this thing.  In consequence, I do feel a little dirty, but that's a testament to director Jay Kamen.  He must have done something right.  Hmm, how the hell do I define "right" anyway?  Transformations is an omnium-gatherum of ideas, both good and bad.  NOTE: The band Omnium Gatherum is middling.  I just checked out of curiosity, and holy shit, they have issued nine albums.  I mean, they're fine if you're looking for basic melodic death metal, but I...I need to focus.  Our plot will track as familiar territory if you've seen as many Alien(s) ripoffs as I have.  An astronaut has a seriously close encounter with a succubus during one of his hypersleep cycles.  Basically, picture Ripley's cryostasis set-up in Alien, only without the sleek gadgets.

So right off the bat, we have a good idea.  I dig the concept of demons in space.  Sure, Lifeforce touched on these grounds, but here, the naked lady is carrying a pestiferous disease.  Slowly, Wolfgang - the astronaut at hand - transforms (take a shot of your adult beverage of choice) into an ooey-gooey monster.  I'm positive that it was unintentional, but Species II used some of these ideas, right down to a feisty, brazen sex scene that is more uncomfortable than it is arousing.  For the record, I prefer Species II.  And that is a sentence you will never read again for the rest of your life.  Moving on!  Actually, that's pretty much where the synopsis ends.  There is a forced love angle, but why go there?

Transformations looks like it had a budget.  That's primarily because it appropriated sets from Arena and Robot Jox.  Hey, weren't those New World releases?  Yes, and this flick was set to be plastered onto home video via the same company, but it went bankrupt before that could happen.  It seems that nobody was terribly happy with the finished product.  Even Charles Band removed his name from the project, which is f*cking astounding when you consider the stuff he's proud to associate with, y'know?  Transformations isn't monumental, but it's not exactly a hopeless situation either.  The acting is (inter)stellar, relatively speaking.  Professional cutie Lisa Langlois stands out as the love interest.  She's better than she needs to be, and I applaud her for the effort.

It's easy to dismiss the special effects as amateurish, but I didn't have a problem with the latex (or whatever) on display.  I did have a problem with the non-ending.  Come to think of it, Transformations is full of non-kills and non-suspense.  Eh, it is what it is.  How's that for a critic quote?