Happy Birthday To Me

I know, I know...you're embarrassed because you didn't get me anything for my birthday.  It's totally cool.  You can always support the site through Patreon.  Or flowers.  You can always get me flowers.  I'm taking the weekend off (from something, I'm sure).

Considered Live

Death Metal Parking Lot

It's a good thing I don't have a traditional 9-to-5 job to attend every morning because I slept in like a champion.  Obviously, I had a late night.  Went to a rad show with my cousin (pictured above).  I mentioned the bill on Friday, but if you weren't paying attention, the bands in question were Blood Incantation, Gorguts, Mayhem (with and without cloaks), and the mighty Cannibal Corpse.  This was my third time seeing CC, and yep, they were predictably awesome.  They opened with "Evisceration Plague."  Man, I can appreciate how hard it must be putting that setlist together, as the guys are now sixteen albums deep.  They did manage to throw in a few curveballs among the staples, namely "Disfigured" and "Pounded into Dust."

My neck is dead.  George isn't kidding when he tells the crowd that they will fail (miserably) to keep up with his headbanging.  He should donate his neck muscles to science, though I suppose he would want his corpse to be destroyed in the most violent way possible.  As for the other bands, everything sounded fantastic.  Of course, I picked up merch.  After I bought a Blood Incantation shirt, the dude behind the table gave me a Gorguts shirt for free (!).  I also grabbed a signed copy of Corpsegrinder's solo album and popped it in on the way home.  All in all, 'twas a grand evening.

Blood Incantation

The Corpse

Be good...

Random Vincent Locke artwork.

I've got Locke on the brain since I'm staring at the cover of Chaos Horrific, the new album by Cannibal Corpse.  Yes, there will be a review in time.  Before the review, I'll have other words to write about the legendary death metallers, as I'm seeing them live tomorrow night...!  The bill is full of badass.  Also appearing?  Blood Incantation, Gorguts, and Mayhem.  Yeah.  My neck is going to be incredibly sore when I return home.  See you later!

Random Match Alert

Apropos of nothing, here is Sting/Muta vs. The Steiner Brothers...!

Rassle Inn #45

What a difference a day makes.  Take Friday, for example.  WWE Smackdown has become appointment television on account of Bloodline drama and the career renaissance of L.A. Knight, not to mention what happened last week.  If you weren't paying attention (and I can hardly blame you for growing disenchanted with the blue brand of old), The Rock made a surprise appearance and verbally trounced poor Austin Theory, who has now been upbraided by both Rocky and John Cena.  Time will tell if this kind of treatment will help the still-sprouting Theory, but at least he can say that he played a part in a segment that "did a number."

I wasn't joshing about Smackdown being appointment television.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually look forward to tuning in each week.  The same cannot be said for AEW's Dynamite, a flagship show bereft of a flag or a ship.  It's strange to cling to nostalgia when it comes to a company so young, but four years ago, AEW was a buzzword.  It had been two decades since Vince McMahon had to worry about a rival promotion, and while the roster was thin at the time (Chris Jericho notwithstanding), prospects presaged a new alternative that fans could feast on.  A TV deal meant that there was room enough at the dinner table for such an enterprise.  Would competition beget better wrestling?

Man, I was on board for AEW.  I attended a couple of Dynamite tapings, I bought the merchandise, and most importantly (for the purposes of this column anyway), I watched the shows religiously.  Ever since CM Punk was expatriated from the premises, I have lost a lot of the zeal I once held for Tony Khan's pet project.  It has become clear that the snake has no head, to steal a Corrosion of Conformity songtitle.  The worrying lack of structure behind the scenes brings WCW to mind.  And I want to be optimistic.  I want to root for the underdog, but good heavens, recent events have made it hard for me to keep my chin up.

It's pretty simple.  On one channel, you've got The Bloodline, you've got Judgment Day (and all of Dirty Dom's heat that comes with it), you've got perennial babyface Cody Rhodes, you've got a respectable tag team division, you've got NXT on the rebound (watch out for Bron Breakker), you've got Io everloving Sky, and you've got The Rock.  On the other channel, you've got Orange Cassidy saying that he's tired.  You know what, dude?  So am I.

The Haunted Sea

I don't know where to begin with this one.  Maybe the beginning?  You know that I have a thing for monsters, especially those of the "rubber suit" variety.  Well, The Haunted Sea, which I somehow missed upon its street date in 1997, sports a serious ripsnorter.  A ghost ship is discovered near the Yucatan Peninsula, and I've already spilled more details than is necessary.  Be patient with me.  Our crew of windjammers ferrets out a sheaf of Aztec treasure.  After requisite character introductions and a liberal tinge of gratuitous nudity (thank you, Krista Allen), one of the mariners is optically jolted by a statue of Quetzalcoatl.  Yes, the same deity that assails New York in Larry Cohen's Q: The Winged Serpent.

This is a New Horizons picture, so it shouldn't surprise you to learn that it misappropriates Aztec mythology.  First of all, Quetzalcoatl is a winged serpent.  The creature in this movie is essentially a were-snake that has the ambulatory properties of a raptor.  I did some reading, and sure enough, The Haunted Sea repurposes dinosaur effects from Carnosaur 2.  Roger, you crafty son of a bitch.  Make no mistake, Mr. Corman's fingerprints are all over this flick.  I, for one, wouldn't have it any other way.  For being direct-to-video swill, it's remarkably easy to watch.  The 73-minute running time helps matters.  I didn't get too many chances to cantankerously look at my watch and sigh like a self-respecting jackhole critic.

Have I mentioned the gratuitous nudity yet?  Oh, I have?  Because I think director Dan Golden wants me to mention it again.  We see stupidly large breasts within five minutes of the opening credits.  If I didn't know any better, I'd wager that Golden shot the nude scenes first just in case his starlet had second thoughts.  Oh, wait.  That was actually what happened.  Have you no shame, Quetzacoatl?  Elsewhere, the death sequences are plenty bloody.  They have the adverse consequence of showing us endless footage of people walking down shadowy corridors.  Oh, I can't get enough people walking down shadowy corridors.

In summation, I can't say that I was terribly offended by The Haunted Sea.  It's not exactly praiseworthy, but it gave me what I wanted.  "An unofficial Carnosaur sequel?"  Yes.  I mean, no.  It gave me wacky monster action in less time than it takes Roman Reigns to enter a ring.  Seriously, 73 minutes?  That's downright scrupulous.  Why, it's kind.  Recommended to fans of naked women and James Brolin's general indifference.

  

Geek Out #166

So I was watching an old episode of WCW Saturday Night that someone taped off television and charitably uploaded to YouTube with commercial breaks intact.  Then I saw this beautiful thing.  I have vivid memories of renting Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 as a wee lad (it scared the shit out of 6-year-old Dom), but I have never seen this particular TV spot.  We see 'ol Leather standing before a lake of some description.  A chainsaw clasped in presumably ghoulish hands rises from the water and twirls in the sky, landing in the butcher's custody.  He spins around and faces the camera.  "The most controversial horror film ever starts Friday, January 12th."

How badass is that???  It's too bad that the studio-mangled movie didn't live up to its advertising.

Album Cover of the Whatever

Hinduist black metal?  Sure, why not?  Here we have the cover of Rahu's The Quest for the Vajra of Shadows.

Now Playing #7

Draconis - Overlords of the Greying Dawn

I play in a lot of online golf tournaments.  I just realized how nerdy that sounds, but hey, everyone else is freaking out over Starfield.  We're all nerds, aren't we?  Anyway, I bring it up to mention the fact that here lately, my rounds at some of the most tranquil courses on the globe have been soundtracked by this album.  There's nothing quite like hitting a booming drive into the fairway at say, Augusta, while listening to melodic black metal.  Draconis deal in breakneck, expeditious material that recalls their Swedish counterparts.  Overlords is their 1998 debut, a brushwood-burning set that could be favorably compared to Sacramentum or Lord Belial.  Somewhat stunningly, the band calls California home.

Favorite tracks?  Get acclimated to "Descending the Shadowed Passage to Nocturnal Realms" and "Unseen Reflections of Interdimensional Transfixions."  Badass songtitles, no?  Unfortunately, Draconis is no longer active, but they released music as recently as 2010.  Do you think the hooded figures on the cover are playing an intense game of Crossfire?

Spirit Adrift - Ghost at the Gallows

When this band crept onto the scene, they were casually convulsed into the modern doom category (Khemmis, Pallbearer, et al.).  I suppose that was appropriate if you listen to their first two albums, especially the expansive Curse of Conception.  Since then, they have cordoned off other influences, namely Bay Area thrash and traditional heavy metal.  Gallows puts all of their records into a blender and hits "shred."  I don't...I don't actually know how blenders work, but my point stands.  Somewhere.  This is a fine collection of harmonized leads, anthemic choruses, and of course, muscular riffs.  I'd say this is easily Spirit Adrift's best work since Conception, EP's included.  Plus, there's an owl on the cover.  The jury's out on whether or not it's playing a 90's board game.

Busy, busy, busy...

You wouldn't know it from checking on the site, but I've been ridiculously busy (and a little bit stressed out) this past week.  I've had zero time to write.  Hopefully, my schedule will clear up soon.  I do have ideas for...stuff.

Blood Capsule #159

THE ETERNAL (1998)

Ultimately, your enjoyment of this film hinges on what you bring into it.  That's probably true of every film, but I needed a first sentence and that's what came out.  Typically, I'll do a certain amount of research before writing a capsule.  Information on the cast and crew, the general consensus of the audience (assuming there is an audience)...y'know, the usual particulars.  Nothing too abstract.  In the case of The Eternal, I absquatulated* without performing my due diligence.  I just didn't care.  If you're looking for someone to blame, don't look at me.  I was ready to have fun with this quasi-mummy flick.  "Quasi-mummy, you say?"  Yep.  Technically, we're dealing with the revivified remains of a druid witch, but she's an Egyptian druid witch.  You say tomato, I say straight-to-video.

Speaking of which, the late 90's were kind to horror movies with a limited release.  That's a euphemism for "straight-to-video," although today, I guess The Eternal would bypass theaters by going straight to streaming platforms.  Some of my favorite time-wasters from my adolescence fall under this umbrella.  I managed to avoid this one upon its release.  If I had known that the plot borrowed scraps from Tale of the Mummy and Under Wraps, I would have...been disappointed just the same.  In terms of pacing, our exposition shambles in slow-motion.  The artsy-fartsy script treats its characters and their relationships as precious commodities, but in truth, you couldn't begin to care about these people.  At least I couldn't.

Christopher Walken has a supporting role as a professor, which is supposed to impress you.  He goes through the motions.  Meh.  There is a scene where a guy is harpooned by a phonograph record.  That was kind of funny.

*To steal the balls of a sasquatch.  Wait, that can't be right.

Random Match Alert

Here we have a young, hungry CM Punk facing off against a late-in-the-game Val Venis.  Ironically, the commentators mention Punk's work on the "independent circuit."  You can tell that the office likes him, as this is anything but a squash.