THE ETERNAL (1998)
Ultimately, your enjoyment of this film hinges on what you bring into it. That's probably true of every film, but I needed a first sentence and that's what came out. Typically, I'll do a certain amount of research before writing a capsule. Information on the cast and crew, the general consensus of the audience (assuming there is an audience)...y'know, the usual particulars. Nothing too abstract. In the case of The Eternal, I absquatulated* without performing my due diligence. I just didn't care. If you're looking for someone to blame, don't look at me. I was ready to have fun with this quasi-mummy flick. "Quasi-mummy, you say?" Yep. Technically, we're dealing with the revivified remains of a druid witch, but she's an Egyptian druid witch. You say tomato, I say straight-to-video.
Speaking of which, the late 90's were kind to horror movies with a limited release. That's a euphemism for "straight-to-video," although today, I guess The Eternal would bypass theaters by going straight to streaming platforms. Some of my favorite time-wasters from my adolescence fall under this umbrella. I managed to avoid this one upon its release. If I had known that the plot borrowed scraps from Tale of the Mummy and Under Wraps, I would have...been disappointed just the same. In terms of pacing, our exposition shambles in slow-motion. The artsy-fartsy script treats its characters and their relationships as precious commodities, but in truth, you couldn't begin to care about these people. At least I couldn't.
Christopher Walken has a supporting role as a professor, which is supposed to impress you. He goes through the motions. Meh. There is a scene where a guy is harpooned by a phonograph record. That was kind of funny.
*To steal the balls of a sasquatch. Wait, that can't be right.
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