SANTA'S SLAY (2005)
Happy Halloween! That joke won't land as well in the future as it does now, but I could say the same thing about Santa's Slay. Actually, this boisterous slasher didn't make much sense in 2005. "Dead teenager" flicks were antiquated relics by this point. An iniquity of antiquity? If it had been released just five years earlier, I guess I could rationalize its existence. It matters not. Bill Goldberg stars as Santa. In this film's universe, the righteous roly-poly is a demon. You see, he lost a bet (in a game of curling, of all things), and as such, he must give presents to children on the 25th of December every year. Apparently, this bet is subject to a statute of limitations, which has expired. Paragraph break!
Santa reverts back to his impish ways. For the record, that includes impaling idiots with fireplace pokers and stealing kisses from strippers. I will say, the basic premise is novel. The minutiae of the backstory is relayed in a darling little stop-motion sequence. It's most fetching. The rest of Santa's Slay? Comme ci, comme ca. That's French for "not so good," and it's the only French I remember from high school. I knew it would come in handy someday. On the bright-ish side, the body count is high, the fake boob count is higher, and everything is resolved in a tidy 78 minutes. You can't ask for much more, really, though I would have liked to see Santaberg hit a jackhammer on Chris Kattan. That's a wrestling move, for those of you scratching your head right now.
Recommended to fans of WCW Thunder and the third act of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.
I fucking love this movie. Unhinged and stupid in the best possible way.
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