FUNERAL HOME (1980)
If I had my druthers, I would have watched this movie on VHS. I've been after the Paragon big box version for years. You could say that it's one of my holy grails, along with other choice heirlooms that are out of my price range. Of course, I only want it for the artwork* (pictured below). The movie itself is almost inconsequential. It's certainly not atrocious, but it's not something I've been dying to write about. An early instance of "hick horror," Funeral Home follows 16-year-old Heather. She's staying with her grandmother for the summer and helping out with the family business. To wit, they run a bed and breakfast, but the domicile used to be a funeral parlor. It isn't long before guests begin to disappear. So we have a slasher on our hands. Who is doing the slashing?
No, it's not Wink Martindale. Is he still alive? I digress; the killer's identity is exceedingly easy to predict. The lack of any real twists hinders the final product more than anything. If I had to smoke out a silver lining, it would be the menacing atmosphere. Director William Fruet does a swell job of framing an otherwise uneventful exposition. Trivia! He also shot Blue Monkey, Killer Party, Spasms, and upwards of 27 (!) episodes of Goosebumps. That's a lot of Goosebumps. If Funeral Home was written by R.L. Stine, maybe we would find out that the title location resided in outer space. Yeah, that's what it needed. A little spice. As it stands, it's just a 3-Z'Dar affair, and that's being generous. Nothing to see here, folks.
*The Blu-ray is adorned with the same image, but pfft. Where's the fun in that?
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