12/25/24

Blood Capsule #253

JACK FROST (2022)

People, people...have we not learned from our mistakes?  Wasn't 1997's Jack Frost enough of a blight on mankind to prevent something like this from ever happening again?  I am writing this review for one reason and one reason only - to save your eyeballs from taking a chance on Jack Frost (alternately known as Curse of Jack Frost) because of the innocuous title.  After all, could it be any worse than the "killer snowman" romp of the same name?  Yes.  Yes, it could.  Perhaps I was naive for plucking it out of the discount bin.  Regardless, I watched it.  And I suffered.  You can tell that the premise thinks it's cute.  We learn from an animated prologue (easily the least offensive part of this viral infection) that Santa once cast ol' Jack out of his kingdom.  The biblical dichotomy is just...it's just too much.  As such, our villain is characterized as a cross between a jester and a scorned elf.

How is it possible that Funnyman is still the best "evil jester" movie nearly thirty years after its release?  Why can't anyone figure out how to crack the code?  At any rate, we meet a family who never celebrates Christmas.  When they decide to make an exception for a visiting relative, Grandma gets pissed (angry, not drunk).  Her parents were slaughtered during the yuletide season, but the rest of the household brushes off her trigger warnings.  Y'know, I side with Grandma.  Her kids are being disrespectful little twits.  They deserve to be flash-frozen by an ice demon, and that's precisely what happens.  By the way, Mr. Frost is an improbably ineffectual monster who delivers cornball dialogue before wrapping his victims in colored lights.  He's stupid.  I feel stupid for having wasted three bucks on Jack Frost.  Recommended to fans of hypothermia.



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