Rockula

I can't believe it. Almost all of the reviews for Rockula on IMDb are positive. I was certain that I would find a cluster of suicide notes on the page, but instead, I chanced upon gushing testimonials written by people who loved this godforsaken film. I don't get it. I mean, I get that opinions are like assholes and all that jazz, but Jesus Christ. It seems as though most people give Rockula a pass just because it doesn't take itself seriously. I'm of the mind that even if a b-movie doesn't take itself seriously, it still has to entertain me.

As you can infer from the opening paragraph, Rockula did not entertain me. If it wasn't a horror/comedy hybrid, it wouldn't have been so excruciating. The minute that you decide to make your film a comedy, you best be damn sure that it's funny. I realize that humor is subjective, but unlike the horror genre, comedies live and die by one factor. If a comedy isn't funny, it's unwatchable. If a horror film isn't scary, it can still be something that you could recommend to a friend. There are a multitude of reasons why a horror film might be a cult classic.

Needless to say, I didn't laugh once during Rockula. The jokes are forced, punchlines are nailed into your head with the subtlety of a cumshot, and none of the humor is witty or circumstantial. Oh, the plot (not that it's terribly important). Dean "Kill My Agent" Cameron plays Ralph, a nerdy vampire who is saddled with the task of saving the reincarnation of his former flame from certain doom every 22 years. Why every 22 years? I don't know. The script doesn't explain it. When the time comes, Ralph protects said flame from the reincarnation of a pirate who killed this damsel in distress hundreds of years ago.

That would have been an acceptable plot, only the producers of Rockula tried desperately to make this flick as goofy as possible. For example, the pirate killed Mona (the name of the former flame) with a hambone. Hilarious! Furthermore, the pirate is reincarnated as a lovestruck loser who aims to freeze Mona in captivity with a cryogenic chamber that he happened to have lying around. Did I mention that the cast includes Toni Basil, Thomas Dolby and Bo Diddley? Because it does. Did I mention that Rockula is a musical? Because it is.

That's right. We're treated to a glorified music video every 10 minutes. Keep in mind, this holocaust was released in 1990, which means that I had to sit through some of the worst rock (and rap!) songs on the planet. If you watch Rockula with a buddy, I suppose that these sequences are marginally amusing, but I wasn't in the mood for such fetid cheese. And that's coming from a guy who considers Dr. Giggles to be a diamond in the rough. The bottom line? Steer clear of Rockula. If you're brave enough to give it a whirl, don't say that I didn't warn you.