Parts Unknown #33: Raw

Okay, I have a lot of ground to cover (for reasons that should be obvious), so I'm going to jump right into last night's Raw.

PROS

~ I like it when Raw kicks off with a match instead of 15 minutes of talking. Yes, John Cena cut a promo, but he didn't ramble on for too long. This was a solid match. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. CM Punk can wrest a dynamic, involving match out of anyone, even a superhuman character with a limited moveset. We're off to a running start.

~ Vickie Guerrero's promo was concise and effective. She made me want to tune into Smackdown. I was going to tune in anyway, but she may have convinced a few viewers who don't watch the blue brand on a regular basis. That's her job. How much do you want to bet that Edge was responsible for taking out Teddy Long? I smell a heel turn. Think about it; Dolph Ziggler is too obvious, as is Wade Barrett or any other member of The Corre. The only other possibility is Michael Tarver, a former Nexus grunt who has been hanging around the backstage areas of both shows.

~ The all-too-brief match between Natalya and Eve Torres for the Diva's Championship. It would have been better without the lumberjills. Michael Cole and Josh Matthews nearly ruined this bout, but I'll get to that later.

~ Sheamus killing Mark Henry.

~ The Miz/Daniel Bryan match. Excellent work by both competitors. Mizfits will be delighted to know that he picked up a clean victory and subsequently delivered a nice promo.

~ John Morrison was on fire...damn! Just yesterday, Chris Jericho mentioned in an interview that JoMo needed to work on connecting with the crowd. Morrison must have heard the interview because he went above and beyond the call of duty. In my opinion, that's the first time that he looked like a legitimate headliner. Kudos to Michael McGillicutty for selling like a champ. I am told that this match also featured R-Truth and David Otunga. I couldn't tell.

~ The Randy Orton/King Sheamus match. I hope that Sheamus is given a chance to shine at Wrestlemania.

~ I dug the swerve right before The Rock was announced as the host of Wrestlemania 27. Who was the girl in the limousine? I have a theory, although it doesn't seem like much of a mystery. I mean, c'mon. Who do they think they're fooling? In case you haven't figured it out, I won't spoil it for you, but I will say that she's banging a certain chaperone. Hey, you never know. I could be wrong. After all, we've seen a number of shockers in the world of professional wrestling.

~ Which brings me to The Rock. I read the rumors, but I still didn't believe it. Suffice to say, I had goosebumps the size of Maryse's milk pillows. This will go down as one of the most amazing moments in the history of sports entertainment. And that promo...that fucking promo! I was reminded of the promo that "Rowdy" Roddy Piper brandished on the old-school Raw last year. He schooled the entire roster and made men like Cena and Orton look amateurish. That's what The Rock did last night. Tenfold. He has more charisma in the tip of his penis than the "youth movement" has in its collective body. I'm not knocking WWE's fresh faces. The "youth movement" is necessary, and many of these young talents have wonderful careers ahead of them. However, the sad truth is none of the people that I'm talking about have the ability to control an arena full of rabid fans the way that The Rock does. I've already typed a novel, so I won't break down the specifics of what Dwayne said. Watch it for yourself.

CONS

~ Michael Cole is the worst commentator that I've ever heard. His official title is "play-by-play announcer." But does he call the action? No. Earlier, I affirmed that the Eve/Natalya match was nearly ruined by awful commentary. The match itself consisted of stellar mat wrestling, and if either Jim Ross or Vince McMahon (circa '93) had been sitting at the announcing booth, the skilled women in the ring would have been put over. Way over. Instead, I was forced to listen to Michael Cole arguing with a bland, disinterested Josh Matthews about...well, it doesn't really matter what they were squawking about. Actually, I take that back. It does matter because they were squawking about everything but the match at hand. When paired with Matt Striker or Booker T., Matthews is tolerable. Cole is corrosive. He must be stopped. Fuck you, Michael Cole. Fuck you.

~ I can't buy The Bella Twins as tough and intimidating.

~ Hornswoggle is 24. Ariel Winter is 13. Do I really need to explain why their cutesy V-Day segment was disturbing?

~ The Khali Kiss Cam. Vince, please fire this botch on two legs. On the upside, Yoshi Tatsu was on the receiving end of Maryse's mouth. That made me smirk.

Finally...finally...finally! I'm done.