The Mummy Lives

I should have known better. A mummy movie starring Tony Curtis? Released in 1993? Why did I buy this DVD? It's a cross that every completist must bear. The Mummy Lives may not be a part of a series, but I'm on a mission to smoke out every mummy-themed b-reel that wasn't fabricated by Hammer or Universal. I'm finding that the only one worth owning is Dawn of the Mummy, a grindhouse vestige that walks and talks like a zombie flick. The Mummy Lives walks and talks like a stagnant, driveling dress rehearsal for a teleplay co-sponsored by Lipitor and Lifetime Network. If that doesn't spell excitement, I don't know what does.

Just how exciting is this cut-rate flatliner? Tony Curtis was in his late 60's when he shot his scenes, and he plays the villain! We're actually supposed to buy him as a suave, ingratiating necromancer with the devilish charm of Count Dracula (he seduces a hot, young concubine during a flashback). Needless to say, he doesn't pull it off. The role of Aziru was written for Anthony Perkins, but common sense tells me that he wasn't the right choice either. Maybe they should have offered the gig to a Middle-Eastern actor...? Just a thought! Sadly, a miscast Curtis gives the least reprehensible performance here.

There are so many negative things I could say about The Mummy Lives. For starters, the plot is forcibly generic. A mummy is resurrected after an archaeological dig disturbs his sarcophagus. Once rejuvenated, Tony Kharis (get it?) becomes obsessed with a woman who closely resembles a courtesan he had a fling with centuries ago. Basically, he was mummified for dicking someone else's bitch, and now, he wants to dick the reincarnation of said bitch. Or at least that's what it says on the back of my DVD. The sets are cheap, the lead characters are irritating and the pacing is all uphill.

Seriously, The Mummy Lives is a wreck. We get a meandering dream sequence (a.k.a. the first act) and three different narrators to keep us entertained. Oh, and the mummy on the poster? Yeah, it's not in the movie. What a piece of piss. This review is bumming me out. That's how much I loathe this rigmarole calling itself a horror film. Fuck it; I'm killing this paragraph where it stands. Don't watch The Mummy Lives.