Disclaimer! I know the director of 2015's Slimy Little Bastards, but only in an online sense. We are cordial. We fucked ONCE. Once! Dave (or Mr. Parker, if you prefer), I don't even know you that well, and I shouldn't have to defend myself, buuuut the fact that our time together was earth-shattering (both physically and emotionally) does not grant you a license to stalk. Do I enjoy being stalked? Yes. Knock it off anyway, or I'll be forced to contact a constable. That said, this guy is a fan of "'small creature" flicks. You know the type...Gremlins, Critters, Ghoulies, Born on the Fourth of July, Hobgoblins, Beasties, et al. Slimy Little Bastards is his encomium to said features. Parker is well-intentioned, but I found the scene where Mama Bloomer burns an effigy of Harvey Korman to be in poor taste. We get it. No one enjoyed Munchies.
That paragraph was entirely too long. In addition to being a "small creature" vehicle, this jamboree is an anthology. You people know I'm big on dat shit. Bastards is comprised of three vignettes plus the requisite wrap-around story. A man's car breaks down, so he knocks on a door in the hopes of appealing to someone's beneficent nature. Well, he knocked on the wrong door. A mad goon donning a red cape answers, and he doesn't seem to be in a hurry to help our weary traveler. The goon is credited as The Curator. He has a collection of jars that house shapeless things floating in brightly colored liquids. Blue, orange, green...y'know, colors. Why the hell did I list examples of colors? Jesus.
You could probably guess where this is going. The Curator spins a yarn for each container - or rather, the thing IN each container. I'm fucking spooked! All kidding aside, I dig passion projects. It's readily apparent that the cast and crew care about what they're doing. This isn't a masterpiece. I think Parker is aware of that, and he does an admirable job of disbursing the elements at his disposal. I'm underselling the finished product, but a couple of items rocked my tortellini. The soundtrack is marvelous. Of course, it's super-duper "80's," but it's more diverse than one would expect. I must also laud Brandon Salkil for his crazed, enthusiastic performance as The Curator. How can you not respect the decision to channel Vincent Price?
Hmm, I might as well impart a few words on the vignettes themselves. "Organic Shit" is a great title, but if I'm being honest (I said if; I could be lying about everything), it's my least favorite of the slimeball triad. "Brain Busters" handles the tale of a shady, shifty-eyed psychotherapist with pill-popping tact. I'm not sure what that means. The bizarre plot brought Frank Henenlotter to mind (namely Brain Damage). I'd say that "Crusties" is the most well-rounded short here. The evil frog is boss. I don't want to shit on the effects, so...I won't. This is a true no-budgeter. If you purchase Slimy Little Bastards, you know what kind of goop you're stepping into. In a way, this project is review-proof. "Then why review it, Dom?" Because, you yawping shithead, I support the underground where I can. Death to false bastards!
Posted by Dom Coccaro at 4:18 AM