The Soda Jerk Unbound Part 6 of 6


We made it!  Together, you and I.  I'm not saying that I won't disinter this column in the future, but I am putting it to bed for a restful, slumberous autumn's nap.  Winter's nap?  That has yet to be determined.  At any rape, The Soda Jerk will be on the kip.  I must write about Kickapoo Joy Juice first, a distillation of marsupial semen. Everloving Cthulhu, can a review go off the rails before its engine collects enough steam to power the...I'm lost inside of an analogy. And of all locomotives, I pick a steam engine.  They're not trendy at all, doofus (I'm talking to myself; you're not a doofus).  Citrus! Kickapoo Joy Juice is a lemon-lime palm leaf oxygenating your weather-beaten body after a day of slave labor.

No, this drink has nothing to do with Tenacious D.

It doesn't say "lemon-lime" anywhere on the bottle, but that's clearly the objective here.  I'm reminded of Mtn Dew.  I would say Sun Drop, but it isn't nearly as pungent.  The caffeine punch is in attendance, though.  I only mention it because I know some people have to watch their intake.  I used to monitor that shit, but I was pissing calcium buckshot anyway, so all bets are off!  You hear that, kidneys?  You traitors?  Let's see; what other words can I use to describe the flavor of Kickapoo Joy Juice?  Apricate, to bask in the sun.  Rizzar, to dry in the sun.  Turnsole, a type of plant that turns with the movement of the sun.  Um, heliolatry, worship of the sun.

Okay, Dictionary dot com has a cool feature called Rise and Shine: 9 Sunny Words.  This carbonated solar energy tastes like sunshine. It's fucking sunny!  With a slight chance of my balls on your chin! Oh, and it's rather soothing.  It hits the throat without a flyspeck of friction. As you may (not) have noticed, I haven't alluded to an aroma. That's because I didn't smell one.  No, I didn't forget; there simply was no aroma to smell.  Whatev(er).  Hey!  Here is a useless piece of trivia. The name Kickapoo Joy Juice was taken from L'il Abner, a comic strip that ran for 43 years.  It ended in 1977, but I wish I could have read it while it was still in publication.  The title character was a pro-fighter for a spell.  He could beat up wrasslers and boxers alike!

I should clarify.  In L'il Abner, Hairless Joe and Lonesome Polecat concoct a "volatile brew" dubbed Kickapoo Joy Juice.  Apparently, it wasn't supposed to be moonshine, but have you seen Hairless Joe? He's the one on the left in the image below.  Yikes!  I'll close this puppy by formally requesting Donald Trump to send me the other three flavors of Kickapoo.  You've got your Fruit Shine (sangria, baby), Maliblu (pina colada, baby) and Fuzzy Navel (peach, baby). Click HERE to check 'em out.  This is not a sponsored review. However, I recommend the hell out of Joy Juice.  It brings an alpenglow to mind, the coral glimmer that kisses the ridge of a mountain just after a sunset.  Or argent, the silver, yet golden...you're not perfect either, y'know.  Maybe you ARE a doofus!

I'm just saying.  Dude's either downing moonshine or snorting coke.

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