The Soda Jerk #1


I'm a big fan of Dr. Pepper. If it weren't for my body's predisposition to hammer out kidney stones, I would drink it every day. When I heard that a new flavor was being introduced, I sensually pawed at my genitals and cried the names of my past lovers. So I was happy. Then I heard that the new flavor was...cherry.

JESUS CHRIST STRAIGHTENING A CRAZY STRAW! Cherry??? Isn't Dr. Pepper a cherry fucking soda? Am I missing something? Wouldn't this be like chocolate milk-flavored Yoo-Hoo or tapwater-flavored bottled water? How ignorant do they think consumers are? I can only speak for myself, but I'm pretty goddamn ignorant. I decided to purchase a bottle of Dr. Pepper Cherry. Why? Because I hate myself.

The only noticeable difference between Dr. Pepper and Dr. Pepper Cherry is that Dr. Pepper Cherry is slightly smoother. That's it. The sapor of the cherry-goodness isn't any stronger than usual. If you want your Dr. Pepper to be as smooth as a baby's crotch, just water it down. You don't need to buy Dr. Pepper Cherry. This may be one of the most transparent cases of corporate chicanery in the history of soulless marketing. Unbelievable.

Packaging-wise, I can't say that I'm crazy about the design of the label. When I think of refreshing beverages, the color black doesn't spring to mind. Seriously, how did this idea get past security? I can see it now...

"Let's see, color schemes. Colors, colors, colors. Cherries, ice, cool refreshment, summer, the outdoors, swimming pools, beach volleyball...I've got it! FUCKING PITCH BLACK!"

Look, I still might have a can of Dr. Pepper Cherry every once in awhile. I don't have a backbone. But you might! Send a message loud and clear to the manufacturers of this generic bubbly water. If you're going to launch a new flavor, make sure it's a new flavor!


  1. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing when I saw this. It's like when you go to a restaurant that doesn't have Dr. Pepper, they always say, "but we have Cherry Coke." So Cherry Dr. Pepper = redundant and pointless.

  2. I love that you're reviewing drinks! I haven't tried this. I love cherry coke and cherry pepsi so I would probably like it.