Splatter Farm

I just upgraded to a Blu-ray player, so naturally, one of the first flicks that I popped into this newfangled technology was a shot-on-video monstrosity from 1987. I rented Splatter Farm on VHS about thirteen years ago, and to my recollection, it was my first "extreme" exploitation experience. I couldn't believe what I was watching. The production values were jarring enough, but the necrophilia? The incest? The fisting? Christ in a motorcade! I honestly don't remember whether I liked the film or not. I was preoccupied with my bedroom door, praying that it wouldn't open with a horrified parent on the other side of it.

Splatter Farm was written and directed by the Polonia brothers. They have littered the past couple of decades with one z-grade obsequy after another. This is their most notorious offering, though I have no earthly idea where it stands with regards to the rest of their chrestomathy. Heh, chrestomathy. The "plot" follows twin brothers Alan and Joseph (played by - you guessed it - the Polonia brothers) as they travel to their aunt's house. Because she's lonely. That's the reason we are given. Whatever. Unfortunately, her son is a cannibal who kills/fucks/eats anything that moves.

Splatter Farm is almost impervious to horror critics. The small percentage of gore goons who get off on shot-on-video schlock will buy this title knowing exactly what to expect. The only thing that I can say in favor of this particular exploitation flick is that it's gorier than your average handheld slasher. It's not as fun as, say, Cannibal Campout, but it does break more taboos. Have you ever wanted to see a guy masturbate with the severed hand of a woman that he dismembered? Here is your chance!

A word of warning to the purists out there...the DVD is missing ten minutes of bloodshed. And strangely, the Polonia brothers edited this "director's cut" themselves. What gives? I'm lucky to have seen the uncut version, but I was still disappointed to find that the so-called definitive edition of Splatter Farm was short on actual splatter. Since my memory of the VHS release is hazy at best, my rating reflects my opinion of the DVD release. If you're into shot-on-video b-sewage, it's worth a look, especially if you can track it down on videocassette. Of course, if you're into shot-on-video b-sewage, you probably already own Splatter Farm.

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