The Soda Jerk #7

MOUNTAIN DEW PITCH BLACK

Pitch Black might be the most popular flavor under Mountain Dew's bumbershoot of multi-hued sodas. They seem determined to give consumers as many choices as possible. A new flavor is launched on a regular basis, but most of their libations fail to boost sales. Pitch Black was initially introduced in 2004. It was received well, but it disappeared as soon it began to pick up steam. Fast forward to 2011. Mountain Dew decides to bring back some of their discontinued flavors, and naturally, Pitch Black is one of the first brews to be rolled out. It's back by popular DEWmand. Get it???

I had never tasted this stuff before it rose from its purple, syrupy grave. All of my friends love it. The can design is badass. Could this be my new favorite drink? It has the makings of a product that I could potentially become addicted to. I could easily abuse my addiction. I could see myself lying and stealing to get my hands on a can of this savory sorghum. I could even see Pitch Black dethroning the almighty Vanilla Coke as the soda of the gods. Jesus, I couldn't wait to pour a glass of what was sure to be my latest obsession.

I did just that as soon as I got home from the grocery store. And...I fucking hate it. Wow. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, AMERICA? This is the shit that the public was clamoring for? Are my friends drinking the same Pitch Black that I'm drinking? What the fuck? At first, it's passable. But the aftertaste...goddamn, the aftertaste. Mountain (I'm sorry, I meant to type "MTN") Dew Pitch Black tastes like a mixture of Welch's grape soda, regular Mountain Dew, vodka and Dimetapp. It's more bitter than I was when I was shot down by a cute blonde at a dance in the fifth grade (seriously, fuck that whore).

Do you want to know the worst thing about Pitch Black? I'm stuck with eleven cans of this cock poison! Honestly, I don't like any of the Mountain Dew flavors with the partial exception of Code Red. Mountain Dew Throwback was decent, but it didn't hold a candle to Pepsi Throwback. At any rate, I am not impressed by Pitch Black. I'd rather watch the Vin Diesel film, and that's saying something. Good heavens.