Night Train to Terror

1985's Night Train to Terror reminded me of a couple of things.  For one, it reminded me of 1957's The Story of Mankind, a morality piece where Vincent Price (as Satan) debates whether or not humanity is inherently pernicious in a court setting.  It's a duffer.  Secondly, it reminded me of my uncle Slobberberry.  The last time I saw him, he shit on his foot to put out a "political fire."  Ol' Slobber spends his days in a madhouse.  He's also not real, but Night Train to Terror is evocative of a mental patient.  It's goddamn wobbly.  You know how Spookies is a composite of two different shoots?  Well, this flick feels like ninety different movies edited together.  In reality, director John Carr united three fright cheapies into a single ludicrous viewing experience.

Carr didn't have to worry about a running narrative; this is an anthology.  We get three "cases" and a wrap-around segment starring God and Satan as themselves.  On a train.  In outer space.  Basically, they are locking horns to see who will collect the souls of people on a night train to terror (sorry, I had to) that is fixing to crash.  So many questions.  Answers?  Yeah, right.  Let's do this!

"The Case of Harry Billings" ~ After an auto-accident, Harry wakes up in a hospital bed.  The nursing staff inoculates him at odd hours, and eventually, he is used in a grisly plot to corral cadavers.  I would say that this is a weird vignette, but they're all fucking weird.  You can tell that there are scenes missing.  On the bright side, the pacing is breakneck.  Richard Moll sighting!

"The Case of Gretta Connors" ~ This is where the b-fun kicks into superlative spurwheels (just roll with me, kids).  Some dude and a porn star are decoyed into an underground death club.  It's a group of rich folks playing outrageously dangerous games, games that involve wrecking balls and Tanzanian stop-motion dragonflies.  Gore is ramped up, though the ending is gloriously daft.  The story simply ends, and we're told that the main couple lived happily ever after.  Okay?

"The Case of Claire Hansen" ~ Um, a Satanic...evil guy attacks various people.  I try to write a synopsis that matches the film, and this shit is brainless.  But fun!  I spotted three stop-motion beasties (!), and on a sidenote, Robert Bristol is AWESOME as Evil Satan Guy.  I'm positive that the character has a name.  Here again, the ending is hysterical, but I wouldn't dare spoil it for you.  Bonus Richard Moll sighting!

"The Night Train" ~ This is the framing device you ordered.  It's fine.  However, it keeps cutting back to a pop/rock music video on the train itself.  We bear its hardships on at least four occasions throughout Night Train to Terror, and each time, it's the same fucking song.  You're telling me that Mama's shoppin' for shoes, huh?  Fuck you!  And fuck your mama!  I don't care where your daddy is, you Loverboy-sucking tosspot!  Man, I'm riled up.  I didn't expect to get angry because I dug this motion picture.  That fucking song.  Great, now I want to fuck.  I really hope my mother doesn't read this review.  Where the hell was I???

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