Inseminoid

I recently viewed Luigi Cozzi's Contamination, a decent Alien ripoff.  There, the setting was Earth.  1981's Inseminoid is very nearly the same movie, only set in space.  I can't recall if the planet has a name (LV-Sham?), but the idea is that cosmonauts are traversing grottos on a reconnaissance mission for...jewels?  Signs of life?  Signs of jewel-encrusted life?  Something.  Y'know, it's a generic sci-fi scenario where they don't spell too much out.  I say "they," but the screenplay was drafted by the husband-and-wife team of Nick and Gloria Maley.  This is the sole script they authored.  Typically, they worked as make-up artists on cool flicks such as Arena and Krull.

After Inseminoid, they opted to stick to their day job, and it's easy to see why.  Actually, that's not fair; the script isn't the problem.  I don't dislike this wad of cognate crud.  To be completely honest with you, I can't diagnose Inseminoid's ills or finger the infected areas (ew).  They are simply not palpable.  It's hard to describe what makes this a pedestrian film, but I know that it is.  And yet, I dig what it's serving.  Look at the goddamn DVD cover.  Is it any wonder?  In cinephile parlance, this is a monster movie.  Before you jump out of your suspenders, just know that the monster is...eh.  We see a blurry background shot of Daddy Inseminoid and later on, we see his Full Moon-sized grandpups.  It's disheartening.

Essentially, Peepaw Inseminoid (holy fuck, that's an epic band name) rapes and impregnates Sandy, one of the aforementioned cosmonauts.  She doesn't experience contractions or writhe in the throes of parturition until the closing twenty minutes, so until that happens, she's your slasher.  Sandy goes nucking futs.  Credit Judy Geeson for giving a genuinely impressive performance.  I believed that she was losing her mental faculties under duress.  I'm picturing you wrinkling your temples, but it's more nuanced than you think.  Unfortunately, Sandy is alone in the nuanced department.  The other characters are interchangeable, and the fact that two of the men look alike does NOT help matters.

As you can infer, Inseminoid is a patchwork of pros and cons.  Results may vary.  The pace, however, is an incontrovertible quotient.  It's demonstrably fast, and I do mean fast.  The running time was all used up with gas left in the tank.  This baby is a mover, a shaker, a hyperactive undertaker (?).  It's an easy sit, is what I'm trying to say.  I recommend it, but you will have to deal with halfhearted acting (Geeson excluded), flabby creature effects and questionable narrative jukes.  Did she really need to saw off her foot?  I mean, yeah, it looked alright, but you might as well extirpate yourself.  Heh, extirpate.  I'm such an asshole.